When Dreams and Reality Refuse to Align!

According to an article Daily Mail today, nearly a fifth of British women in their late 30's early 40's struggle to conceive (read the article here).

I certainly fit in this bracket, approaching the big 4-Ohhh next year. While the article suggests that one of the reasons for this is down to more women focussing on their careers above starting a family, I disagree that this can be attributed to most of us with a degree! 

I didn't choose to focus on getting my career sorted before starting a family. Life has just worked out that way. I would have loved to have had the chance to settle down with the right guy, and start a family much, much sooner. But alas, our dreams and our reality rarely collide in beautiful alignment, like they seem to do in films! 

In my case - reality was as far apart from my dream, as the east is from the west! But sure, oh great science boffins. Blame women for wanting to have a better life while she waits for the right man to enter stage right, whisk her off toward marriage and to start a family. 

I mean seriously - what is one more element of blame for a woman who is already struggling to come to terms with the fact she seems unable to accomplish the most basic of functions for the woman's body!

The other aspect of the article, which really strikes a chord with me is this - if a fifth of women in our society are struggling / have struggled to conceive, how many women in our Churches are grappling with this reality? 

Swap Mornings

The other night, I was texting a friend of mine about a convenient time for us to call and speak to each other the next day about a project we are both involved in. When I say friend, he's not someone I know locally or meet up regularly, more as a result of Church projects we have both been involved in over the years; but he did buy a box of Krispy Kreme donuts and so was the start of our new beautiful friendship! 

So, the conversation went a bit like this:
Him: "You could call around 8:45am."
Me: "Hahahahaha!!! Seriously? No later slot??? #OffWork"
Him: "lightweight! I have 3 kids.... That's not early! 😅😅"
Me: " I don't have any excuses for losing out on a late start!!! Hahaha!!!"
Him: "So jealous!! ☺️"

I know he wouldn't change his situation just for the sake of a lie-in, he absolutely adores his kids, and even when he's doing stuff on stage, he will show off pictures and tell stories about them within his presentation. 

I, on the other-hand, would give up all the lie-ins for the joy of having a family....and I am, genuinely, "so jealous!!"

Not Your Traditional Christmas

Last weekend, with Christmas just around the corner, I suggested to Hubby that we take his son into London to experience the lights and sounds of Christmas in our capital.... and what better way for him to experience his first ever trip to London. 

So, after a later than anticipated start, we made the three hour car journey south and took Hubby's son on his first ever underground tube ride. He was fascinated when we went underground, and was literally trying to take everything in, but also a little anxious with the newness of the adventure. 

Now there is no denying who My gorgeous stepson belongs to. He is definitely his father's son, and as we experienced the day trip in London with him, there were many things I wanted to linger over, like the Harrods Christmas window displays, which neither Hubby nor his son were interested in. And there were many things they were easily excited by, which I'd have happily done without, like eating in McDonalds, and looking at snow globes! Of course, I completely understood why they would want to get to Hamleys toy shop as soon as they could!

I really tried to get into the Christmas mood, playing Christmas songs on the way down (which neither males wanted to join in with), and stopping for eggnog coffee (which both Hubby and I have become addicted to!), but as always, at this time of the year, little things start to creep in to remind you that although Christmas is a time for children and family, there was a huge aspect of this missing in my life. 

Actually, it was while I was studying the miniature displays Harrods had created, and observing parents with their children, lifting them up to view the displays, while pointing different aspects out to them, that it hit me hardest. Especially as Hubby and Gorgeous Stepson had, by now, become bored and were sitting out of the way on some railings to wait for me. For a split-second, I imagined lifting my own child to look at the miniature mice in various Christmas poses, and both of us exclaiming in total awe and admiration, "Oh wow! Look at that!"

Children are miniature versions of their parents, and I can't help but wonder whether my own Bubba will reflect any of the excitement, joy and wonder I usually (or used to) feel around Christmas? In the past, I have loved it when my parents used to get me and my brothers a bag of chips and we would drive or walk around looking at the different light displays in town high streets, in the front gardens and walls of private home, as well as a special trip to London Town! Hubby and his son are both underwhelmed by this aspect of Christmas tradition, as much as I was enamoured by it all. 

I know Christmas is about more than that - it's actually about Jesus and the act of love He demonstrated when He gave up His throne in heaven and became like one of us.
But looking at it from an infertile perspective it's about what I haven't had yet.... A pregnancy. A birth. A baby. 


Father God, I pray that You would help me, and anyone like me, to focus on the love you demonstrated in such a powerful way. This is what should be important to me. Even though it's a bit of a struggle. Even though I am still childless another Christmas. Even though I don't have the opportunity to create family traditions, or carry on family traditions, or create family memories. Even though it will be just the two of us on Christmas Day, please Lord, help me to enjoy the day... with You as well as with Hubby. I pray You would ease the tension and pressure many childless couples feel at this time, especially those who know you. May this actually be a time of true Shalom during our own Journey for Bubba. And Lord, may You grant some of us the gift we so desperately desire - so that next Christmas, we might enjoy a different kind of day altogether. 

Step Into My World

Over the weekend, I spent some time with some friends I haven't seen for years, since I moved out of London, actually. It was really good to catch up with them, and we had plenty of time to really share what was happening in our lives, and what God was doing! You know, them late night chats over a glass of wine and a few bars of chocolate!!

At one point during the weekend, someone asked me, "How do you handle not being able to handle a baby? Is it a bit like, you know when you're single and you're longing to be married, and you're crying out to God to bring you a husband... that kind of thing?"

I loved this question! It meant my friends were genuinely trying to understand what it is like to live with infertility.

And so it opened up an opportunity to share with them the reality of what it's like.

It's not really like the "singleness issue", because when you're trying for a baby and not able to have one, your body is not behaving in the way it naturally should be as a woman, that it creates a huge empty ache within your heart which matches the emptiness of the arms which so want to hold a baby of your own. It's something which underpins every aspect of your life, challenging your very faith in God and in the plans He has for your life. Whenever you see a pregnant woman, a newborn, a family, even if they are close friends or family you love, it smacks you in the face with the reminder of what you don't have. Hanging out with friends can be incredibly lonely, especially if you are the only one who doesn't have children, because it is so natural for women to discuss their families and challenges of being a mother. No matter how much you try to not think about what your body is failing to do, every single month you are reminded of what you're failing at, because you are so aware of your body's cycle, you know when you might have caught it in any given month, and a quiet hope slowly builds within you each and every month that happens, thinking, hoping, praying, believing, trusting that THIS MONTH might be the one you have conceived... and as the day of your period draws closer, you become more stressed, more anxious, more watchful for any sign you might be pregnant, and when your period starts, your hope comes crashing to the floor, and you literally don't feel as though you can face that day, don't feel that you can face the next cycle, don't feel that you will ever have your own baby, that you begin to question whether God really does have a plan for your life, or if He has forgotten where you live - because it seems that even that girl down the road who isn't married and doesn't have a partner can manage to get pregnant. And yet, the cycle has already started again, and takes you on another roller-coaster journey, whether you are ready for the ride or not.

Then there are the emotions... The guilt that you can't give your husband what you both want, the guilt that you maybe don't have enough faith, the guilt that you're doubting God even cares about you or your future, the fear of the future, the fear of never having your own child, the fear that you'll die a lonely old woman without family, the anxiety, the stress, the heartache, the isolation, the emptiness, the frustration, the anger, the torment, the hurting, the longing, the deep overwhelming sadness, the grief at another egg wasted - another potential life that could have been a beautiful son or daughter, and with it the hope for the future... and soooo much more!

And the spiritual impact as a Christian woman who has been in the Church since the day I was born... how much this has affected my relationship with God, and the foundation I had built upon Him: About how you can read passages from the Bible and it hits you about what you are missing, that if God blesses people through children, why is He not blessing me, why does He bless someone who is preparing to abort their baby, but withholding the blessing from people like me who desperately want our own child, that maybe I have done something wrong, and this is His punishment, that if God blesses to the generations beyond... does that mean His plans and blessings for my family stops with me because there will be no generations to come??

And then there's the stuff people say!!! Oh those wonderful, well-meaning Christians who glibly proclaim to have all the answers... Just relax it'll happen, God will bring you a huuuuge family in one go when the time is right, God is building your character, you could adopt, at least you have your nephews close-by, at least you are a step-mum, you could get a pet, go on holiday together and let God make it happen in His timing...! And sooooo much more!!

So yes, I really did appreciate these friends actually stepping into my world, in an attempt to understand what it is like. And I hope that God opens the dialogue more and more for those of us walking the infertility journey, that more people will take the time to step onto the path with us, because there are times when it is so overwhelming, to know someone is silently walking beside you, supporting you, without pretending they have the answers, without being so super-spiritual they miss your pain, is a comfort.


Father God, Your word says, "When one part suffers, we all suffer" as well as "when one part rejoices, we all rejoice". I pray that we would take the time to really step into each others worlds, so that when someone you have placed in our life is suffering, we can walk alongside them, as well as allow others to walk alongside us. I pray that somehow, we would learn to be more authentic, and take the time to really understand what people are going through, instead of glibly giving them our understanding of their problem. In Jesus name.

Unfulfilled Nurturer

Within most of us women who are TTC, I think there is a deep-seated desire to nurture. To be a Momma is to put this ability God placed in us into action, and the fact that we don't yet have our own Bubba means this desire is largely unsatisfied. 

It's just another aspect of our Journey to become a Mumma which is missing among the fanfare of IVF or hospital investigations. Another one of those things which doesn't really gt discussed unless you are in the journey yourself.

I recently noticed this desperate longing to nurture becoming more prominent, when one night Hubby, in his half-asleep wanderings to the kitchen for a midnight snack, slipped down the stairs. I didn't realise he'd actually left the bed til I heard him falling, then I was straight up to check on him. Clearly a grown man doesn't want to be nurtured or comforted or kissed better. He wants to be a man about it. To get up, hide in his cave and lick his wounds.

I found myself feeling ridiculously rejected by his pushing me away, and finally recognised that what I'm missing, is having that opportunity to care for someone. Not that becoming a mother is all about me fulfilling that part of womanhood, but as I said from the outset, there is a deep longing to care, to comfort, to nurture.

Having my nephews live close to me is great. There's a bit of an outlet when  we go on one of our 'aunt dates', or with my stepson when he stays with us. And maybe that should be enough for me right now. But as the boys grow older, this will lessen. Will my desire to be a nurturer lessen too?  Or will the Unfulfilled Nurturer 'sub-heading' of infertility grow more intense with each month that passes?

Was part of the anguish women like Hannah in the Bible felt, a result of having some opportunity to nurture with having her husband's children around the home, and intensified longing of her heart to fully nurture her own child? To be fully Mumma?

Father God, help me not to feel rejected. Help me to recognise the moments You give to me, to offer comfort and care to those around me. In Jesus name.

A Wasted Month

Recently, my doctor's surgery has closed down, and all we patients were "merged" with a local medical centre. It's a swanky new build, with a "cheese counter" ticket machine and visual flashy thing to let you know when the Doctor is ready to see you, to save the Receptionist from shouting over the counter.

Having recently recovered from tonsillitis, I have realised why starting with a new doctor, is like starting the whole fertility journey from the beginning. Had he been aware that Hubby and I are TTC, I wouldn't have been prescribed the antibiotics which clearly states on the information leaflet "do not take if you are pregnant, breast-feeding, or trying to conceive". Had I not been rendered incapable by the tonsillitis, I might have thought to say something when asked, "are you allergic to anything" like, "No, but I am TTC".

So here's to a wasted month... Who knows what could have been - though probably wouldn't have been!

This Journey of Bubba involves a complete change of life-style, and a deepened awareness of so many things, which most people who "fall" pregnant so quickly have no idea about. It's not a temporary thing either - it's an on-going decision, at every stage, in every situation to make choices, and often be open about what we are trying to achieve in our marriage. For an indefinite length of time. Sharing with complete randoms the private and personal life of our marriage.

That's not easy.


Father God, I pray You would give us strength for the long-haul of this Journey for Bubba, because without You sustaining us, we could so easily become overwhelmed by it all. In Jesus name.

Does God Know When..?

I was praying for a friend at our Church Prayer Meeting the other night, she is on a similar journey with her Hubby, although they have been on the road for many years. The reason we ended up praying together was because someone had just brought a Word of knowledge, and the the Pastor asked us to "seal the Word of God" and to pray in pairs, specifically for God to break-through where we individually need God to move in our lives. So because my friend and I are closely supporting each other, she suddenly appeared next to me while the Pastor was still speaking.

Now, I'll be honest, I was still in that frame of mind which had affected my weekend, where I still trying to find God in this leg of the journey, nevermind having the faith to pray anything coherent!

But, God literally worked through my brokenness and the Holy Spirit prayed through my mouth for my friend. She looked at me, with tears on her cheeks and said, "Wow! That's God!" and I was like, "It must have been, I've literally got nothing!!" That's when you know God IS walking by your side, when you somehow find the words to join your faith with someone else and pray.

One of the things I prayed for them, was about God being with them to the point where they can literally hear His voice telling them the right time, the right moment, for the seed to be fertilised. This has lead me to wonder, "Just how much does God actually care about our daily lives?" Obviously He knows our bodies intimately, and He knows how the development of Bubba will occur but can He, through His Holy Spirit, lead us to the when? The when for a Hubby and wife to make love and release the seed which is needed?

If He can... then I pray that our ears will be tuned into His voice so that we will know that one moment needed for that one egg to be fertilised. I pray that every Hubby and wife who knows the Lord, and can hear His voice, will learn to recognise His voice, even in that one moment. And may He fill our empty arms with the much longed-for Bubba. In Jesus name.

This Corrupted Life!

I'm sorry, but this is all getting ridiculous...

There's a headline in tonight's Daily Mail (I can't even bring myself to write it out) about a lesbian woman fighting with her ex-"partner" in court over the "parental right" to a child she had NO PART in creating (Read it here if you want). This is about the third such story I have read in as many weeks! And I was soooo frustrated at reading just the headline I nearly posted about it on FB... changed my mind 2 sentences in because my Journey for Bubba is not a public one!

It really does make my blood boil that so may babies are being in this "strange" situation - I use the word "strange" because God designed men and women to procreate. Full stop. So the fact that this woman is claiming to be the baby's "mum" just because she breast-fed the child while the actual mother was ill... well, this sets a whole new precedent of what makes a parent! All those wet-nurses who have been used throughout history, be prepared to fight for your parental rights, and get your cheque books out to pay the maintenance while you're at it!! Where will it all end?? When will we stop trying to re-define "parents"??

Children are a GIFT from God and I'm tired of reading about gay "couples" who create life outside of God's natural order, when there are decent couples who would make great parents, but who are struggling to conceive - even with the help of IVF, or IUI or all those other things being used to bless men and women with their baby. But to then use the child as a bargaining tool, as a weapon or means of eking out your anger and hatred is just incomprehensible!

And I've not even started on all the political stuff of the great "POSTCODE LOTTERY" - who is "acceptable" in the eyes of the great NHS gods who sit and make the judgement that in this county I'm not entitled to funding because I'm a step-mum... a Step-mum - for crying out loud - is NOTHING like being an actual, full-time, hands on, living, breathing, natural, there-through-the-good-times-and-the-bad, watching your baby grow through each life stage MUM!!! NOT THE SAME! I have God to walk me through this, but what of all the other step-mums who desperately want their own child, but have been told by the NHS they're not entitled to free IVF just because another woman's child calls their husband "DADDY"! And yet, according to the NICE guidelines, a "same-sex" couple ARE entitled to funding??!!! HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?????!!!!

Aye aye aye! This life! This corrupted life! This unjust life! This unfair life!

Grrrrrr!!!!

Rant over!!!


...and breathe!

A (Very) Brief IVF Journey

At the beginning of the year, Hubby and I visited his Nan. We do quite regularly anyway, so it wasn't a special Christmas / New Year visit or anything. On this occasion though, she was really excited to see us and said she wanted to speak to us, but not in front of Hubby's son... She did anyway because the excitement was too much for her!

She'd been speaking to Hubby's uncle about what we are going through, and decided that "the worst thing I could ever imagine is to not have my children and grandchildren; so I want to pay for IVF for you both."

After putting the dream of having Bubba to the back of my mind for a while, this kinda knocked me for six! Surely this was a gift from God?? Wasn't it?? A new hope for a new year??!!

So, I arranged for Hubby and I to attend an open evening at our nearest CARE Clinic, as I thought this would give us an overview of what to expect, and would answer some of the questions I had. As I'd had such a bad reaction to Clomid, I had already decided I wanted to go for "Natural" IVF rather than the full-on drug induced IVF, but wanted to find out what exactly this would entail and whether it was the right thing for us. Hubby was his usual, "Whatever you decide, I'll support", which actually wasn't helping me, as it's such a huge step to take with someone else's money.

I struggled to comprehend what this could mean for us, and whether this was really what God was leading us into.

The day of the open evening arrived, and Hubby and I booked the full day off work, so we could spend some time together to talk about our hopes and whether this really was the way forward for us.

When we arrived at CARE, we were ushered into a "school room" which had been set-up for the presentation, with lots of other couples... I think there were about 20-25 couples in total, well not just couples, there were people there in three's looking for information about surrogacy, as well as a couple of gay pairings.

The consultant led us through her presentation, which focused on full IVF, which I knew would be the case. I did learn some interesting things which I'd not considered in the past - although this led to momentary panic rather than security of the situation!! Such as how there are immune aspects which can affect the implantation... It made me wonder about during the cycles when I had been sooo late, whether this had been a factor. Anyway... I have no way of knowing, so best to bury that one deep in my brain somewhere!

After the 40 minute presentation, there was an opportunity to ask questions. Now normally, I would shy away from such public arenas, preferring to vocalise my personal questions after, when I can speak to the lecturer in private. But on this occasion, I needed to know! So up went my hand and out came my questions about Natural IVF. She went through the process of what would be involved... BUT... She made a point of saying that she wouldn't necessarily be happy carrying out natural IVF on me. She went on to explain about how high the risks of failure were, because the clinic would have no control over when the egg would be ready to release from the ovaries. This means there would be a greater chance of missing the moment, so to speak, that when they tried to collect my one egg released in my natural cycle, that the egg might have already released, leaving nothing to collect. Add this to the normal risks of that egg not fertilising, or not implanting once it's put back in, and there we have an excruciating decision to make. It didn't help that I didn't actually feel as though I'd been properly heard when I spoke about what we wanted, feeling like we were another avenue to the more expensive revenue of full IVF. Maybe that's just my perception.

I had gone to the open evening hoping to have a clear sense of what our next step was, but instead I left with a huge sense of sadness, and feeling no peace whatsoever. As we made our way home, Hubby and I spoke. He wasn't comfortable with any of what he had heard, especially with the huge risks of failure involved - for my sake, because he isn't sure I could handle the disappointment of failure; and also for his Nan's sake, as it is her money being invested in something which may or may not work, even though she had told us she knows of the risks and doesn't mind losing the money to give us the chance to try.

Over the next few weeks, I prayed, I spoke to a couple of women I trust as I tried to work out what to do. Hubby was still saying he would support my decision, but I know God well enough to know that if this was really the right step for us, Hubby and I would be in agreement. And we would have a sense of peace about embarking on this path. We didn't.

In fact, one Sunday Morning, a couple of weeks before the open evening, I was part of the Worship Team when I had a clear phrase come to mind - right there on stage, right in the middle of worship: "I don't want another person involved in the making of Bubba". Whether this was my voice, or God's voice, I don't really know for certain, but I do believe that I have to put my trust in God and in Him alone for the making of Bubba. We are a three-stranded chord. We clearly don't need another person involved in the process. As hard as this decision was to make, I know that I hope, that I believe this is right for us.

So as suddenly as the opportunity had presented itself, it disappeared, slipping out of my fingers, out of my life, and out of my future. So endeth my (very) brief IVF journey.


Father God, help me to trust you. I don't know where else I can turn to for help - except to You, the Author and Creator of life itself.

Above The Doctor's Report

While he was still speaking to her, messengers arrived from the home of Jairus, the leader of the synagogue. They told him, “Your daughter is dead. There’s no use troubling the Teacher now.” But Jesus overheard them and said to Jairus, “Don’t be afraid. Just have faith.” Mark 5:35-36

Ahhh... the voices of doom and gloom! The messengers of discouragement, who tell you what you really didn't want to hear! No one wants to know that what you are hoping for has died, especially in the battle of fertility! 

I'll be honest, when the doctors dismissed me with a handshake and a courteous "good luck", it actually felt like the hope for Bubba had died. It was like in that moment, as the Consultant's office door closed, all I heard was, "There are no other avenues, no further options, we are writing you off and don't hold out much hope for you chances."

The messenger had declared to me, "Your desire for a son or daughter is useless, your chance of becoming a Mumma is dead."

But as I was reading this passage in Mark, it was like the Spirit of God was actually speaking over me, "Don't be afraid. Just have faith." He was combating the thoughts of death and hopelessness with His truth, giving me back a sense of hope, of reassurance and keeping the dream for Bubba alive. 

It isn't an easy process. It has taken me, what, six months to hear Him say, "Don't be afraid. Just have faith." And now I have to begin to implement that in my Journey - the first stage involves me to stop being afraid that I won't ever know the joy of becoming a mum. The second involves me once again having faith that it will happen. 

Whatever doctor's report has been spoken over your life, hold onto the Word of God... "Don't be afraid, just have faith." 

Lord, If You Are Willing...?

I am reading through the Gospels in preparation for a teaching I will be giving on "The Attitude of Christ" at the end of the week. Even when we think we are reading the Bible with one purpose in mind, the Holy Spirit can speak to us about something we weren't expecting, which is what has happened! In case you can relate, let me share what has been whispered into my spirit.

Matthew 8:2
...a leper came and worshipped Him, saying, "Lord, if You are willing, You can make me clean."

I'm not likening my situation with leprosy, but the attitude of the one who approaches Jesus. When I come to Jesus and ask Him for healing, I know He can, "You can make me clean". This is the faith element which urges me to pray for my body to be healed so I can conceive a healthy Bubba, carry the baby to full term and receive the gift of a child. I know that I know God can heal my body. I have no doubt in this regard. After-all, He is Creator of life itself!

And I'm sure many of you would agree with this.

But, what I have just realised, is that like the leper who approaches Jesus, I am not sure if Jesus is willing to heal me: "Lord, if you are willing..."

There have been times when I pray for this one specific desire of my heart for Bubba, that I have become hesitant in my expectation that Jesus might be even willing to reach into my situation and touch my body with His hand of healing. This is different from doubt, doubt is the unbelief in Jesus' ability to heal. This is something else. I'm not sure what it is, but I know it's different.

Maybe this has arisen over the years of my unfulfilled dream for motherhood? Maybe it stems from how I perceive God sees me - after-all, we have all sinned and fallen short of His standard, from the beginning of creation? Maybe it stems from a sense of unworthiness and lack of confidence that I would be worthy of God being willing to answer this one particular prayer?

The leper would have received the message from society that he wasn't worth being a part of society. He was an outcast. He was unclean. He had to ring a bell to warn people if he was walking by. This may have caused him to approach Jesus with the sense of uncertainty that He was worth being touched by the Messiah. Not that I have received this same message.

But the fact remains... "Lord, if You are willing, I know You can heal me; but what I don't know, is if you actually want to."

Working Through Unanswered Prayer

It can be easy to think that if God isn't answering our prayers that He isn't listening… and if He isn't listening, then there’s no point in praying. But what is the purpose of prayer? Is it to get God to conform and do what we want Him to do, or is there something more to it?

The fact that 2013 drew to an unsuccessful close and 2014 has kind-of limped into it's place, one could argue that in this respect God has switched off to my voice. 

It's easy to read Hannah's story at the beginning of 1 Samuel and think that God was really tuned into her cries and stepped in quickly to answer her request for a child; it's easy to compare ourselves to her, and to think we must be doing something drastically wrong to have reached the end of another year and STILL not have the emptiness of our womb filled with the hope and joy of a successful pregnancy. To think that maybe we have not cried hard enough, pleaded hard enough or become so despondent in our hopelessness that we are mistaken for a drunkard. But what we are not privy to, in Hannah's story, are the years prior to that one moment in the Temple. The years she, like you and me, spent crying out to God to take away the reproach of her barrenness, and to grant her the opportunity to bear a child of her own. 

It is hard to understand how to pray at times, when it seems like this one simple request is being unmet - it can have huge impact on our overall opinion of what prayer is all about. How often have I heard it said, or even said it myself, “prayer doesn't work”. In what sense is prayer “not working”? Well surely that depends on your theology of what prayer actually is. It's easy to come out with the Christian jargon, "Prayer is our way of connecting with God", or "Prayer is about laying our hopes and dreams before God in submission to His plan for our life", or "Prayer is about listening to God, as well as presenting what is on our hearts". How easily these appear to roll off the tongue, and yet how many women (and men) in the long drawn-out, no guarantee, Journey for Bubba actually feel connected to God in prayer? In the beginning, sure, we are full of hope and excited anticipation of what God is going to do in our "little family", but as the years roll by, hope diminishes and hearts become hardened.

If we were going to "keep it real", many of us can quote the verses like "Ask and you shall receive" or, "the fervent prayers of a righteous man avails much"! So when we struggle to pray we feel the added guilt of obviously not being "righteous" enough, or of not "asking in the right way" because we also know the Bible says, "You have not because you ask not, and when you do ask you ask amiss"!

I don't believe these verses are in the Bible to condemn people like us whose prayers seem to go unheard from one year to the next. I don't believe God means for us to feel that we are not righteous enough, or not holy enough, or not praying right, or any of these things, because through Jesus we are made righteous, we are made holy and a way is offered where we can approach our heavenly Father about anything at any time. The enemy would love to make us feel worthless and condemned, and he uses unanswered prayers to trick us into thinking God doesn't care. Especially in long-term struggles like trying to conceive.

Maybe the start of 2014 is the perfect opportunity for us to truly understand what prayer really is about, rather than to mistakenly start to accept the lie that "prayer doesn't work". Otherwise we might as well start to believe that conversation, in general, is pointless. 

We know that conversation "works" in the sense that it allows us to share ideas, share hopes, plans, dreams, thoughts, opinions etc... but if someone doesn't start to do what we think they should be doing, we don't suddenly decide that person doesn't listen to us, or doesn't care, because they aren't doing what we told them to do, when we have told them to do it! Yet we do this of God. Prayer should be like our conversation with God, and this involves going to Him with the disappointments and hurts, as well as with the other stuff. He cares enough to listen.... ALWAYS. Whether we recognise it, feel it, sense it, hear it or not, God always listens. To stop praying because we aren't being given the answer we desperately seek causes resentment and bitterness to spring up between us and our Heavenly Father - causing us to feel isolated, distant and alone - as if this journey isn't isolating and lonely enough!

I wish I had the answers to give you, as to why this area of your life appears to be beyond God's hand, I wish I had the answer to my own questions too. And my understanding of prayer may be being challenged, but this is all in God's plan and I have entrusted my life into His hands. He promised to hear me, to listen when I call on Him, and He has promised He is is faithful, so as I bid farewell to a difficult 2013, I choose to hold onto God, in the hope that through 2014, whether my prayer for Bubba is answered or not, I will gain a deeper understanding of God and His conversation with me. Even if this means small steps back into His arms.

God's Whisper Into My Broken Heart

I wasn't sure about sharing this, but I would like one day, when Bubba is conceived, I would like to use this to reflect on the Journey the Lord has led me on with Bubba when he or she is old enough to understand how God has planned him or her. 

A few weeks ago, a member of the Church, who is in the same Home Group, called me one Sunday morning, as she'd had a word from the Lord for me. I was going to Church in the evening, and as I was still recovering from the op, I'd decided to only attend the one service. Anyway, she called me after lunch and blew me away with what she shared with me:

She told me she had been praying for me during the morning while she was getting ready for Church, and while she was praying the Lord gave her a picture - a revelation. She said she saw me watching TV, watching the news reports of the new Royal baby's arrival. She said that as she watched me, watching TV, I was wiping tears from my eyes. She said she was taken back to the time in her life when she was trying for a baby, for a son she had been told she would never had, and experienced an overwhelming grief with me as she had felt back then. Then as the reports came to and end, and another programme came on, I shook my hair and wiped my face as if to say "Right then. That's it! Time to just move on with things."

She said after showing her this picture, He told her to tell me two things. One: He is Creator, and His speciality is in new creation. Two: He has not taken me off the mother list.

What this lady didn't know was that Hubby and I were trying for Bubba, and that I had just had an operation to unblock my Fallopian tubes, which had failed. When I said this to her, she said she had always seen me as a career woman with goals and ambition, and had not been confident enough to share the picture with me, without first checking it with our Home Group leader (who knows our situation). 

Neither did she know that the picture the Lord had shown her was EXACTLY how I had been during all the wall-to-wall news reports were being broadcast about the new royal arrival. As I prayed for the new baby and his royal parents, I felt overwhelming grief about my own situation, as I tried to come to terms with the abandoned op I'd had a few days earlier. 

And only the Lord knew how close I was to giving up hope of ever becoming Mumma to our own Bubba. Where science has failed me, God won't. He restored my hope for the future of having Bubba...and my hope for a future, full stop. 

I don't know how long we will have to wait - because God doesn't always reveal a time frame. But He has given me a glimpse into the work He is doing behind the scenes for Hubby and me. God IS the Creator of life - and where my Fallopian tubes have become blocked and are failing at this moment in time, God knows how to bypass this and to make a way for Bubba to be conceived where there seems to be absolutely no way. He is God. He will make a way through for the right sperm to connect with a healthy egg, and for a healthy Bubba to be conceived, implanted and develop. 

Thank You Lord for for whispering Your words of comfort and love, of a hope and a future into me broken heart. Thank You for the faithfulness of women like this who You are able to bring revelation and prophecy to, because they seek Your face. I pray for anyone reading this who needs this kind of encouragement for their own Journey for Bubba, that You would also whisper Your love, comfort, hope and future into their broken hearts, in Jesus' name.

Slamming Doors, But The Still Small Voice Whispers

So as I was talking to God one morning, I was asking Him whether what I had gone through actually had a purpose. The laparoscopic salpingostomy hadn't worked, and it feels like the whole Journey for Bubba is coming undone. I don't know how to rescue the hope for Bubba. 

I listed the various doors which had been slammed shut in my face:

• I'm over 35. SLAM!
• Hubby and I have been trying for our own child, but after two years, are still childless. SLAM!
• I have a blocked Fallopian Tube. SLAM!
• The laparoscopic salpingostomy which was supposed to unblock it was abandoned. SLAM!
• I tried to take the fertility drug Clomid to stimulate development of the eggs, but had a severe allergic reaction to it. SLAM!
• The Consultant had told me that my only option, really, was IVF. SLAM!
• If IVF was ethically an option for me, if Hubby hadn't already had a son and I was eligible for the free treatment, I wouldn't be able to anyway because of my allergy to Clomid. SLAM!
• Natural IVF is still expensive, and doesn't have a hugely successful live birth rate. SLAM!

OK, seriously God, what is going on here?????????

A still, small voice whispered, "I am clearing the way to demonstrate My power and authority over your situation."

When there are no other doors open, this has to mean God, who is able to do the impossible, HAS to step in to do what only He can do. I have no other options to take. No other routes to travel. No other doors to walk through. Only God can make it possible for me to meet my own Bubba. I just need to find the door that leads to the faith and hope that God will do what is impossible.

Many have said to me, "what about adoption?" Bt to be honest, I don't want to be a Mumma for the sake of being  a Mumma. I want to be Mumma to Bubba who is born out of the love and committment Hubby and I share in our marriage. That's the only kind of Mumma I want to be.

Now, where is that open door!

Infected Wound.. Hope Restored

When I took off the dressing, I knew something wasn't right. Maybe it was the unpleasant aroma. Maybe the crusty yellow stuff. Maybe it was the weeping stuff. Either which way, I knew I had to go to the doctor to get it checked.

And yep, my suspicions were correct! One of the wounds from the surgery had become infected. Lovely! At least this explained the prolonged pain in that particular area! Although, following the news reports the day after I was discharged from the hospital about 14 hospitals being put on special measures, I shouldn't have been surprised... mine was one of the four which had been placed on the extra special emergency measures!!!

Anyway, the doctor I saw nearly had me in tears. He was a new or temporary doctor who I hadn't seen before. When he realised what I'd had done, and the fact that the surgeon had had to abandon the procedure, he kindly asked me what they had advised they could do for me now. I told him about my allergy to Clomid and that IVF was off the table. We spoke about Natural IVF (me explaining what it was to him!!) for a while, and then he prescribed me with antibiotics to clear the infection.

In talking to him, I realised how dangerously close to feeling depressed I was. Not the sadness at the situation, but at my sense of hopelessness at it. I am sad, of course, at the failed surgery, and the apparent hopelessness of the future chances for Bubba. But if I know God, and I do, then He has promised He has a hope and a future for me. At this stage, I have no idea what it looks like. But in the midst of my hopelessness, I have to hold on to the hope I have in Him.

Phew... this faith thing is hard! I don't know what to hope for, at this stage. But I do know God is upholding me as He gently leads me. He is my hope. He is my shalom. He is my future.

Guest Post - When The Doctor Said "No"... God Said "Yes"!

I was recently at a women's event in my local Church where a friend of mine had been asked to share her testimony. As I listened, encouraged by what the Lord had done for her and her Hubby, I knew I had to ask her if she would share her story. So here is a Guest Post from my friend Pam:

My husband and I had a very big year in 2004. It was one of those years where quite a few life changing events took place and it didn't stop until….. well, it hasn't stopped yet! The catalyst year though was definitely 2004. We were married in April 2004, but then had to say goodbye to three close family members. My gran and also my great-aunt, along with my mother-in-law all passed away within a few weeks of each other. My mother-in-law left the biggest hole in our lives. Her name was Mary and she was an amazing prayer warrior – always interceding for us and always so full of love for everyone. I tolerated the “Christian” aspect of her life because, unlike so many other Christians I had met, Mary’s faith was helping people around her.

At this point I think it would be useful for you to know where I was in my walk with Jesus – I hadn't even put my sandals on! No, at this point in my life I was still a proud atheist who didn't need the crutch of religion to help me deal with life. I was a strong, independent person who took control of her destiny and I had stopped believing in things like the Easter bunny and Santa when I was a child. My thoughts towards anyone who believed in a higher power were not complimentary and (in short) I felt that they should all stop messing about and get on with life in the REAL world. My husband was (and still is) a Christian, but he had wandered away slightly. He was still aware of Jesus and the love of God, but chose to ignore them. It was just before his mum died that he made the decision to go back to Church and live again for Jesus, but that is a testimony for another day – back now to other interesting things that happened in 2004!

This was also the year we decided to start trying for a baby. We started in January of 2004 (thinking that as we were getting married in April anyway that it was OK! ). By November I still wasn't pregnant, so I went to my doctor for some routine checks. I think now is probably a good time to tell you about my health in general. My health in general was good, especially now that I had quit smoking, however – despite losing around five stone for the wedding, I was still around 28 stone. Yep – 28 stone and wondering why I wasn't pregnant yet (d’oh!). Despite my weight, the doctor was amazing and checked everything rather than simply dismissing my lack of babies to my size. She asked me lots of questions, gave me a smear and a quick internal exam and even offered to refer me to a dietitian (which I declined because I wasn't fat!).

About a week later, the doctor called me at home and told me that my smear test had come back as abnormal and I would need to see someone at the hospital for a colposcopy (This is a procedure to examine an illuminated, magnified view of the cervix and the tissues of the vagina and vulva, using a machine which magnifies the area to be examined in a similar way to a pair of binoculars on a pole!). I had no idea what was going on. I felt frightened and had to wait over Christmas before my appointment at the hospital in January 2005. 

When January came around, I was completely unprepared. I thought colposcopies were simply a longer smear test. No-one said there might be cutting. I managed to hold it together while I was in the hospital, but as soon as I saw my husband, I broke down. I knew the doctors were doing what they needed to do and I trusted them completely. They explained that because of what they could see, they would need to do a biopsy. The nurse was comforting and compassionate – everything in that room was done with the upmost care and consideration, yet I still felt I had been violated. I took a few days off work and just sat in front of the telly. I didn't really talk to anyone for those few days but gradually I came out of it and went back to work. 

On 14th February 2005, I was diagnosed with 2a2 cervical cancer. This means that the cancer is over 4cm and is trying to spread. The consultant said he needed to remove the cancer with surgery then he would formulate a plan of treatment. The rest of the year consisted of surgery, recuperation, more surgery and recuperation and plenty of waiting. During my birthday and our first wedding anniversary I was recovering from surgery and my poor husband would have had
more fun in the bedroom if he’d had stayed single! Then in July 2005, my consultant called me at work and said he needed to see me ASAP. My boss overheard the conversation and insisted she come with me. I was so glad that she did. At the time I thought it was probably my consultant being overprotective, but at least my boss would know I wasn't lying about having cancer and needing lots of time off! 

My consultant said that my latest blood results were through and the result of an MRI scan. He said that they had found tumours in my blood and the MRI showed my lymph nodes in my groin were enlarged. These things together meant they had not been successful in removing the cancer before it spread; I would need to have the lymph nodes removed from my groin; I would need chemotherapy and possibly radiotherapy; my chances of survival were not good.
My consultant booked surgery for me to take place in August 2005 – my husband and his Church started praying.

After the surgery my consultant was astounded. The surgery, although difficult, was a success; He had held the inflamed lymph nodes in his hand and saw how swollen they were – yet, results had come back to say that there was no cancer in ANY of the nodes. They checked my bloods again and the tumours had gone! I had been spared! Saved by the hand of God, but it still wasn't enough to make me believe.

During 2005, when my husband was going to Church and re-kindling his relationship with Abba, something was changing in him. Something good, and I started to ask questions about my husband’s faith and who God was to him. This change also prompted me to read lots of books while I was recovering from surgery. I chose books about God and religion (for and against) but the best book I read was “Word on the Street” (A paraphrased Bible, written by a man with terminal cancer). For the first time ever, I had read the Bible and not felt immediately bored, lost and confused! I could read this book like, well, a book! And my favourite book inside my favourite Book was Job. Yes – Job. It is still my favourite book of the Bible today, but back then it was because I identified with the suffering and the isolation of Job. I started to study Job and his actions. I looked at the council he was receiving from his friends and his wife. I started to think about how much I loved my own husband and how much pain would my husband have to be in for me to want him to die? And then I began to think about Job’s refusal to curse God. I came to the conclusion that Job must have had a REAL encounter with God in his life. That “God” for Job was something more than a story. Real enough for him to endure suffering and choose God over his wife.

The removal of my lymph nodes in August 2005 was to be my last cancer surgery, so I asked my consultant if I could start trying for a baby again. The news he gave me was awful. My consultant said that due to my size, I would find it very difficult to conceive, but not only that, the cancer was so big that what was left of my cervix would not be enough to support a baby. If I did manage to get pregnant, I would miscarry.

We needed a holiday. So in April 2006, my husband and I went on a second honeymoon to the Maldieves – bliss! We had talked about the baby situation and decided that we would keep trying for a baby, but neither of us really held out much hope. Plus, my periods since surgery had become so painful I often ended up in hospital on morphine! I really wanted to go on the pill and stop my periods so, two months was the time-frame. If I wasn't pregnant by then, we would stop trying.

The holiday was amazing, but I couldn't get Job and God out of my head; so one night, when Hubby was asleep, I prayed. In my head I said this “God – I have read everything for and against you, I have seen the change in my husband’s life and I am in no doubt that if you are real, you are a loving God. That is my issue though. IF YOU ARE REAL. No-one can prove or dis-prove your existence. If I am going to live for You, I need to know You are real. So I am going to stop doing something that I know you don’t like and in return You are going to prove to me You are real. Amen”. I am laughing my head off writing this! It’s a good job God can see our hearts – I'm not sure I would get away with a prayer like that now! 

God is a loving and generous God – the perfect Father. We are not exactly sure if our baby was conceived on that night or the following night but it was by the grace and generosity of God that our baby was made.

Obviously I didn't know I was pregnant at that point – I found out a couple of months later. Because of my size, my periods were not regular and I felt that it would be better for me to start the contraceptive pill after I had one final, natural, extremely painful period. So, two months passed – and still no visit from Aunt Flo, hmmm. My first thought was “Oh-no, the cancer is back.” So I made myself an appointment with the doctor and as per procedure, I do a pregnancy test (because when doctors are fiddling in that area, they like to know you are not pregnant and unless you tell them you took a test yourself and you know you are not pregnant, they will make you wee in a jar and test you themselves!) but the result is unfamiliar to me. There should be one line, not two. I don’t know what two lines mean and I think I may have stuffed up the test, so I do another one. Two lines again. I call my Hubby and ask him to bring the instructions in from the bedroom while I do wee-wees on yet another test. My Hubby is now in the bathroom with me, reading the instructions out loud while I am peeing on a fourth test. “Two lines means you are pregnant” he said. We both looked at each other, my husband with overwhelming joy in his eyes while I must have looked like a rabbit caught in headlights! Such joyous news – we had managed to get pregnant, but my thoughts went immediately to the words spoken over me by my consultant, “Your cervix is too small and too weak to support a pregnancy. You will miscarry”.

As soon as my consultant found out I was pregnant, he arranged weekly scans on my cervix and sure enough, as my healthy baby grew, my cervix began to open and it looked as though I was going to miscarry. At this point I was still not a Christian, but my husband’s faith and re-commitment was flourishing. He had the whole church praying for this baby and my salvation! At exactly 11 weeks pregnant, my consultant saw “funnelling” on my cervical scan (an indication that the cervix was opening). He told me of a procedure he could do called a cerclage which would basically mean he would wrap a stitch around my cervix to ensure it stayed closed. It would mean having a general anesthetic and potentially a c-section to deliver the baby. There was also another complication – the pregnancy has to be a minimum of 12 weeks before the cerclage can be done. I was only 11 weeks. 

My consultant booked the surgery for the following week and ordered me to stay in bed until I needed to come to hospital for the procedure.

It was one of the longest weeks of my life, knowing that my baby could potentially fall out at any moment. But God is good! The baby stayed in long enough for me to have the surgery.

I was completely unaware of the intercession  happening behind the scenes, because although my husband told me that he and the Church were praying, I was still in the mind set of “I bet they are only saying that to be nice. No-one likes me really because I’m not even a Christian”.

I was around five months pregnant when God reminded me of my promise to Him in the Maldives. The promise where I said He had to prove He existed in order for me to be comfortable following Him! So I held up my end of the bargain and gave my life to Him. As soon as I said the prayer I was on fire for His Word! I couldn't get enough of it. I wasn't working, so all I did all day was read and chat with God! He grew me so much in those first two months because He needed me to be strong in Him for what was about to come.

On the 11th Dec 2006, I awoke with a pain in my back. It was around the time I would normally get up anyway, so I asked my Hubby if he would mind rubbing my back a little as we lay in bed. His warm hands soon eased the pain and he asked me if I was OK?  The pain was similar to the type of pain you would get on your period only intensified. I re-assured him that now the pain had gone I felt fine and we got up as usual. My Hubby soon left for work and I was in the flat alone. Normally I would get on with the housework, watch some telly and generally enjoy being pregnant, but today something was different. I was getting some strong Braxton Hicks (a normal part of pregnancy where muscles contract in preparation for labour) and I was really fidgety. I couldn't sit still and I couldn't seem to get comfy. I decided I had too much energy and needed to go for a walk! When I got back the Braxton Hicks were worse than ever and I still couldn't get comfy. It was at this point (around 1:30pm) when I decided to call the hospital and have a little chat, you know, get some advice etc. When I explained to the midwife what I was experiencing, she said to me “have you had a show?”

I said “no, I am only 34 and a bit weeks pregnant and I have a cerclage, so I won’t have a show and my waters probably won’t break either.”

To which the midwife calmly replied, “how soon can you come in?”

“I can’t come in right now as my husband has taken the car to work and I’m not getting on the bus, so I’ll be there around 6pm-ish. And I can’t stay long because I have to be at my father-in-law’s home for dinner this evening.” Was my response.

In the same lovely calming voice the midwife said, “you come in whenever you’re ready Mrs Gibson. We’ll be ready for you.”

I hung up, annoyed that the midwives seem to want you to come in for every little thing. All I wanted was a bit of advice! Hubby arrived home at 5:30pm to find me on the bed doing some interesting breathing to help me through the pain of the Braxton Hicks. I told him that the midwife at the hospital had asked me to come in, but we didn't have to go if it would mean upsetting his dad. My husband’s reply was, “you’re going to the hospital and I think we should take the overnight bag.”

Once at the hospital we were swiftly escorted to the Labour Ward, where I was hooked up to monitors and separated from my trousers and pants. I started my controlled breathing again as yet another Braxton Hicks appeared. The midwife watching the monitors said “Can you feel that?”

“Yes,” I replied “It feels like a period cramp – the breathing keeps the pain away.”

The midwife left the room and immediately came back with a doctor. Now I was getting annoyed. “Is this going to take much longer?” I said to the doctor, “ I've got dinner plans this evening”

The doctor looked at me and said “Mrs Gibson, you are in labour…”

“No I’m not!” I interrupted “It’s too soon for the baby to come and besides, this is just Braxton Hicks, it’s not enough pain for it to be labour!”

The doctor looked like he’d seen my type before, so he knew exactly how to deal with me.
“Mrs Gibson, cancel your dinner plans. You are not leaving this bed for at least 48 hours. You are in labour and yes it is too soon. We are now going to give you drugs to help slow the contractions and we are going to give your baby some steroids to help the lungs develop in time for delivery.”

I shut up after that. Hubby was on the mobile to the prayer chain and our family to let them know what was happening. I just watched in silence as people rushed about the room sticking things in my arms and my tummy. I didn't know it at the time, but I realise now that God simply took me to one side for a moment and allowed the situation to wash over me. I heard the doctor say that they wouldn't cut the stitch until baby had the full dose of steroids, to give it the best possible chance of survival. Survival? Really? Didn't they know that God was here? Didn't they know that everything was going to be alright? God’s peace was upon me and I knew everything would be OK.

God’s best move in that room was when it was time to cut the stitch  I had three doctors, three nurses and my Hubby pinning me down while a 4th doctor came at my nether regions with scissors. I remember trying to keep calm and still, but it was impossible. I had this overwhelming urge to fight and my best efforts were not enough to contain it. I called out to Abba and my flesh became calmer. I could still hear myself screaming, but I wasn't fighting anymore. I could hear my Hubby talking to me, but I couldn't hear what he was saying. I felt him stroke my hair and I saw him crying. God lifted something of me out of that situation, so I could take in what was happening, but also not feel like I was part of it. Throughout the whole experience I could hear myself screaming, but I don’t know why I was screaming because I felt very calm. To this day I still feel total peace when I think of this moment. Thank You Abba.

On the 15th December 2006 at 11:45pm, my baby boy – Toby James Gibson – was delivered by emergency c-section. He spent three long weeks in special care (which I believe was the time God was preparing me for) and we finally took him home on 3rd January 2007, two whole weeks before his actual due date.

I had never been so happy! I loved being pregnant, I loved the birth and hospital and having my son finally at home, but I couldn't help thinking “If only I’d have been a Christian sooner….” I could have prayed into everything and evangelised to the people in the hospital and they would be able to see God with their own eyes, as I had done. So my next “deal” with God was,
“If you let me have another, I’ll do it right this time!”

Within eight months of giving birth to Toby, I was pregnant again and this time I was going to do it right! As soon as I found out I was pregnant I declared anything I could think of over my child, the main items being that there would be no cerclage, I would have a natural birth and the pregnancy would last exactly 40 weeks!

Just as with Toby’s pregnancy, I was given a scan every week to check my cervix and every so often I would be told that they could see funnelling and I would need a cerclage. Whenever this happened I would go home, pray and stand firm on the declarations I had made over my unborn child. 

I also said to God that if the doctors said I needed something, I would do as the doctors asked. There was no way I was going to be “experimental” with my child’s life, so if the doctors said I needed a cerclage, I would have one. If God knew I didn't need a cerclage, then He would have to change the doctor’s mind in order not to have the cerclage. And that is exactly what God did – every time! On one occasion I even turned up with my overnight bag, expecting to have the surgery, only to find the doctors had changed their mind again, and all of a sudden I no longer needed a cerclage! How awesome is God? That He sees our hearts in such detail and cares for us in such an individual way. God saw my faith and moved the opinions of stubborn doctors (which in many ways is much harder to move than a mountain!)

My baby was born on her due date – exactly 40 weeks! 1st May 2008 at 10:45am – Zoey Ann Gibson – came into the world! It was amazing, but one of my declarations fell flat. I declared that I would have a natural birth this time, but Zoey was also c-section. God had been so amazing and I had seen Him move so many times in this pregnancy – why was the answer to this prayer “No”.

My husband was holding Zoey in his arms and the surgeon was about to close my tummy when he asked for the nurse to call my consultant and have them report directly to the operating theatre. My heart sank. My first thought was that they had found more tumours. I looked at my husband and he stroked my head. Then my consultant came in, holding the surgical mask over her face she peered into my yawning tummy. “I know why your periods are so painful now,” she said, “Your cervix has attached itself to your uterus. You would never have had a natural birth and I am not entirely sure how you managed to get pregnant in the first place!” The consultant went on to explain that this type of thing is not uncommon when surgery has taken place on the cervix and it would have happened when the cancer was first removed in 2005.
It suddenly became clear why God said “No!” to a natural birth. He wanted me to understand how much of a miracle these children really are! That only God could have made me pregnant! Twice! And in quick succession!

There were many more things that happened during these pregnancies and births – all conquered by prayer, persistence and faith in the promises of God. He is in control – He knows the beginning from the end – He also knows not only the perfect time for us to carry a child, but also the perfect time that He wants the child to be born. While we may feel spiritually, physically, emotionally, financially etc. ready to have a child, the time/place that is the most beneficial environment for the child to grow in (and to best reflect the glory of God), may be further down the road. While you await the arrival of your promise, the enemy will try and deceive you, he will try to make you hand over the promises God had given you. Stand firm! At every attempt – stand on your individual promise, given to you by God Himself. Claim that promise! Shout the truth loud and clear!

You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you, Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you.

2 Chronicles 20:17

Listening to the Right Voice

Since the passing away of Robert Edwards a couple of days after Baroness Thatcher, it seems as though the subject of IVF has been coming up more and more in conversation and news articles.... either that or because of the journey I am on, I seem to more aware of this!! 

I was reading the paper when an article caught my attention, "I wish IVF had never been invented!" it screamed! Now, although I have made up my mind not to pursue this avenue for myself, I was interested in what had brought the author to this particular position where she would wish away the whole process. As I read through her piece, I almost cried for her - except I was at work (on a coffee break!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)!

It was written by a woman in her forties who has undergone the process of IVF first-hand. describing the utter heart-break of the two failed attempts and the constant reminder of her failure as she looks at the bottles and needles still tucked away in the fridge, "our world has been on hold, in a terrible emotional limbo, ever since. I recognise that mine is a controversial  perspective — and yes, IVF has brought untold joy to countless childless women. But I have first-hand experience of the  physical and emotional anguish you endure when the expensive, invasive treatment Sir Robert developed happens to fail."

What the majority of fertile couples fail to understand is the rollercoaster anguish of TTC. But for the one in six couples who struggle to conceive, and I believe that figure is rising, the fact is that life on the rollercoaster of subfertility can be completely overwhelming. It threatens to impinge on every area of life, with the ability to transform a regular balanced woman into a bag of emotional wretchedness, focused on the one thing she desires to the point where, like in a cartoon nightmare, everything flying at her face is either a pregnant woman or a baby, or related to the new nursery she would like to create, as she spins round and round in a whirlwind of her life!

It becomes all she thinks about, as she follows her monthly cycle meticulously, particularly if she is taking fertility drugs / attempting IVF / IUI / GIFT and all the other letters, her conversations are filled with hints or facts or information relating to what she is going through, where she is in her cycle, how many days till she knows a month was a success or a failure, the effects of the drug treatments, the number of eggs she produced.... if you ask her how she is, you will know intimate details you never thought you wanted to know! when she walks into a coffee shop, a church, an art gallery, she can instantly tell you who is pregnant and where all the new babies are! When she visits a new town, she has clocked all the stores related to baby products!!

But not every woman TTC has the network of understanding friends around her - some even seem to have negativity thrown in her direction, just because she is struggling to conceive. As many of us can testify, we never thought we would reach the age we are and still be childless. We never expected to have a problem with what is one of the most natural things in the world. We never asked to walk this path - but here we are!

At the end of the article is a facility for leaving a comment, as I read through some of the comments, I really hoped within my heart that the author would never ever read some of the things people had written - people who seemed to be so full of anger, pride and total disregard for the woman behind the piece. It is so easy for us to sit in judgement over other, but until we have walked ten miles in their shoes, how can anyone condemn another person who they don't even know. I added my support, just in case she did read the comments. 

If you have ever encountered the negativity of people from the five in six couples who don't have any fertility problems, I pray God will help you to forget their unkindness, and to surround you with people who can support you - even if they don't fully get what you are going through. I think it is important to raise awareness of this issue, because in educating those who don't know what happens, we may be able to limit the amount of judgmental attitudes towards us. We don't choose to wait until we're old before trying, sometimes life is just like that! We don't choose to have a condition which affects the uterus, the Fallopian tubes, the ovaries, our ovulation, etc... life can just hit you like that! 

So before you allow someone to intimidate you with their negativity, remember that God knew the journey He was taking you on, before you even stepped onto the path; when He made you, He made you "fearfully and wonderfully" YES! Even with that condition you have and didn't realise! When He looks at you, He looks at you with pride, like a father looks down on his children, and He is so pleased to have you in His care. And He upholds you, day by day, strengthening you in the battle, encouraging you in the darkest night... listen out for His voice, instead of those other voices! The ones who will hear the song of your heart and sing it back to you when you've forgotten the words or the tune.

Prayer for Infertility - Learning From My Jewish Roots

Although I am the grand-daughter of a Ashkenazi Jewish refugee, when my father became a believer in Jesus as the prophesied Messiah, we were brought up in a Christian, rather than a Jewish, home - and I praise God for this wonderful foundation granted to me through my parents faith in Him. Since my twenties, I have been developing more and more of an understanding of the Jewish aspects of my relationship with God, the Scriptures, life and others. There is such a depth I have discovered as a Jewish-Christian that at times I wish I had known about them sooner!

Woman Entering Mikvah

This is became stronger today, as I found a ritual Jewish based on Leviticus 15:19-24, which Jewish women still follow, which God had set out when He first met the Children of Israel at Mount Sinai. I'm not saying I would particularly follow this personally, but I have discovered that contained within this ritual is a prayer of strength for the women who is TTC, which is so precious. In this, there is an acknowledgement of the struggle for women who, like the Matriarchs Sarah, Rachel and Rebecca and not forgetting Hannah, desire to become a mother of her own Bubba. Through this monthly prayer, there seems to be a freedom for the woman, unlike us Christians who are still hiding from infertility, to be allowed to grieve in order to move forward each month. Because at the end of the day, the monthly journey can't be covered by a prayer from three months ago - as each cycle of hope for Bubba fades with the arrival of Aunt Flo.

Every month, after Aunt Flo has been and gone, Jewish women enter a Mikvah (a large bath used in Jewish rituals for full immersion in order for the person to be purified and made clean - there were literally hundreds of them around the Temple in Jesus' day!!) in order to be purified after her period. Before she is immersed, she says a prayer, which in the case of a woman who is TTC is so significant, and such a blessing as it acknowledges the pain, the struggle and the hope for life:

A Meditation - Using the Mikveh when Dealing with Infertility

Prayer written on the ritualwell website, shared by Rabbi Debbie Young-Somers

Mekor Rakhamim (meaning ‘source/place of mercy’. While at such times [Rabbi Debbie] do[es] not sense the merciful, giving God, Rakhamim has it’s root in Rekhem, meaning womb, and therefore is an obvious choice) I thank you for the blessing that is contained in my body’s abilities and functions, which I should not take for granted. But I also cry out to you in my pain, anxiety, and wants. I do not expect an answer, and yet I hope for one.

Help me and my beloved stay strong through the coming month, and remember the strength we share together. We pray that this will be stronger than my monthly remembrance of death, contained within which is a reminder of the hope for life. Help us not to blame ourselves, or each other, and to accept those blessings we do have, rather than focusing on those we do not.

May I find comfort in the merit of my mothers, Sarah, Rebecca, Rachel, and Hannah, who called out to you in their childlessness, and were comforted.

Blessed are You Eternal, who creates each of us whole, and none of us perfect. 

I'm not saying I should suddenly start looking for the nearest Mikvah and start dunking myself under each month, but I think this prayer would become a valuable part of the Journey for Bubba on a regular basis. Surely bringing God to the forefront of our pain, of our struggle is the key thing here! Surely inviting God to keep His hand over Hubby and I each month, as we go through the monthly cycle of hope, anticipation, waiting and failure can only be a good thing.

I hope this type of monthly prayer can be a source of comfort and strength to those of us who are embroiled in the monthly battle of TTC. The battle is not ours, it belongs to the Lord!