The Dark Side Of Infertility

My heart goes out to the Hubby and family of Nicola Starr - she wasn't anyone I knew, but I read of her story and can identify with her struggle. Nicola Starr was a 37 wife who had been trying to have a baby with her Hubby of 12 years, but was unsuccessful, suffering a miscarriage after IVF treatment. Read the report about Nicola Starr here.

As a result, she became depressed; and after fertility treatment was stopped in 2008, Nicola began to drink, attempting suicide on a number of occasions. She also lost her job, and had an accident which affected her health, adding to her pain and depression. Nicola died from an overdose, earlier this year. 

The sad fact is that infertility does have this type of affect on seemingly normal women... women who are strong, women in the Church who are strong in their faith, women who look like they have it all together. There are many of us who have suffered with depression on some level - and dare I say - some of us have even contemplated the purpose of life if we can't conceive, considering death - no doubt there will be women who read this who have actually attempted suicide. Yes - even in the Church.

Father God, I lift up the Husband and family of Nicola Starr, and pray that You would comfort them and lead them to a place where they will come to know Your presence as you carry them through the valley of death. I pray, Lord, that You will make Yourself known to all of them.

And Lord, I ask that You would draw close to any woman who is in such a dark place in her Journey through fertility, that You would be her light - that You would turn Your ace toward her, cause Your light to shine upon her, showing her mercy and grace and hope in her situation. I pray that for every whisper in her mind that death is a way out, You would combat the lie with the truth of Your life. Oh Lord, even now - let her know she is not alone. Through thought, through word, through deed - a knock on the door, a verbal message, a text, an email, phonecall, or any other electronic means... Lord bring hope and encouragement at this very moment for all those who feel as Nicola felt... for those who don't know You - may they come to know You and rely on You in this storm, and for those who do know You, may they draw closer to You, knowing You will never leave her nor forsake her. In Jesus name I pray.

More Lessons From Scripture: Husbands and Wives

I love Hubby to pieces, but at the moment, he is struggling in his walk with the Lord, to the point where to even pray for me when I ask him, he doesn't feel he is in a place to do that. This makes it really difficult for me, as I read time-and-time again of Christian couples who prayed together and saw God answer their prayers for a child.

I totally believe that God wants this for Christian marriages. I fully believe that a Christ-centered marriage has a strength and a depth between a husband and wife, which other couples miss. And so for me to be in this situation - I have found this Journey for Bubba that much harder. All I would like, is for Hubby and I to pray together. 

This last Sunday, though, God spoke to me so clearly about this situation, that He has set at ease the stress and pressure I have been feeling in my heart. He is so awesome like that. For a while, because I have been praying for Hubby, and seeing only slight glimpses of the answer I desperately seek, it becomes easy to think that God isn't listening. But He sent two women to speak to me at Church - one had a vision of me seeing my prayers added to the bowl of incense which is poured out before the throne of the Lord, as described in Revelation 5:8: ...and golden bowls full of incense, which are the prayers of the saints, and Revelation 8:3-4: He was given much incense, that he should offer it with the prayers of all the saints upon the golden altar which was before the throne. And the smoke of the incense, with the prayers of the saints, ascended before God from the angel’s hand. The second lady spoke of how the Lord had placed a connection in her spirit to pray for me for breakthrough. She has offered to meet with me specifically to pray for the strongholds which are preventing the breakthrough I need, although she has no idea what these are. I immediately knew this was relating to Hubby, and also for my Journey for Bubba. 

But even before these two women spoke to me, God had already spoken His encouragement to me through my study of the women of the Bible who struggled to conceive. 

So keeping in mind the fact that I felt as though I don't have the prayerful support of Hubby, and have felt as though I was trying to stand strong and fight this battle alone... I started to remind God of how important husbands were to the "barren" women in the Bible (you know them ones when you try to tell God about His own story!):

• Sarah, as the woman married to Abraham, was told via her husband she would conceive - You, Lord, spoke to Abraham FIRST... she overheard You and laughed!
• Rebekkah conceived after her husband pleaded with You in prayer on her behalf. I don't know what she may or may not have said to him but You Lord, listened to her husband and she conceived.
• Then Elizabeth wasn't even privy to the conversation You had with her husband, Zachariah because he was in the Most Holy Place and then was struck dumb and couldn't relate any of what You, Lord, had told him! 

You see, God, do You see how important it is for the husband to be in the journey with his wife! Do You see what You have done through these marriages, because I do - I see exactly how important it is for the wife to have the spiritual support of her husband!!

Point made, rant over!!!!

The Lord, graciously and calmly, pointed me to Hannah:

• She spoke to the Lord DIRECTLY as she prayed ON HER OWN at the Temple. Elkanah was a Godly man, in that he made the annual pilgrimages to the Temple in Jerusalem when required, providing offering for himself and his family, but in response to Hannah's heart-cry, he gave her a very human - very manly - response, when he said to his wife "Am I not better to you than 10 sons" (1 Samuel:1:8). He didn't connect with her on a spiritual level, he didn't appear to have the same level of faith in God's healing power to pray and intercede on Hannah's behalf or to join Hannah when she went to the Temple to pray. Hannah had to deal with her anguish, her grief alone. She knew the only way to be heard, as she desired to have a child of her own, was to seek the Lord directly, which is when we read of the vow she made to God. She was alone in this moment. Yet the Lord was so close to her in that moment. 
• The other woman was Rachel. She was the wife of Jacob, who became the Father of twelve sons, the one whom the nation of Israel is named after. But at the time, she was barren, regardless of how much she tried to have a child, and she became human in her responses, saying to her husband, "give me a child or else I will die" (Genesis 30:1). We read of poor Rachel's plight as she watches her maid, her rival-wife-sister, her sister's maid all conceiving lots of wonderful healthy babies for her husband, Jacob. we can share her anguish as child 4, 5, 6, 8, 9, 10, 11 is born, and each time, she is still waiting, still childless, still barren. We don't know how Jacob supported his wife through this, we don't know if he interceded on her behalf. We know he got angry with her (Genesis 30:2), maybe felt helpless on her behalf? But we do know that Rachel prayed. Although we don't know the exact words she spoke, as with Hannah, we do know that God listened to HER, remembered HER and opened her womb (Genesis 30:22).

Point made, I was silenced!

There may be wives out there who don't have the full spiritual support of their husbands, not just temporarily, but on a permanent basis, as there are women who are married to non-Christian men. Be encouraged that God is as tuned in to your prayers, ad He is to the prayers of a Christian husband, or to the prayers of a husband and wife standing together in prayer. I would encourage you to ask the Lord to bring you a prayer partner who will pray with you for the child you long to conceive, because I know that there is strength in praying with someone, "...if two of you agree on earth, concerning anything they ask, it will be done for them by My Father in heaven" (Matthew 18:19). But don't lose heart that your prayers alone are in vain, because the Lord has promised to hear those who call on His name. And just as He heard the prayers of Rachel and Hannah - He hears your prayers too. Be encouraged, and don't give up. The journey isn't over yet, you are not barren, you are fruitful and one day, the Lord will bring to bear the fruit of your womb. The fruit of my womb. 

Prayer for Infertility - Learning From My Jewish Roots

Although I am the grand-daughter of a Ashkenazi Jewish refugee, when my father became a believer in Jesus as the prophesied Messiah, we were brought up in a Christian, rather than a Jewish, home - and I praise God for this wonderful foundation granted to me through my parents faith in Him. Since my twenties, I have been developing more and more of an understanding of the Jewish aspects of my relationship with God, the Scriptures, life and others. There is such a depth I have discovered as a Jewish-Christian that at times I wish I had known about them sooner!

Woman Entering Mikvah

This is became stronger today, as I found a ritual Jewish based on Leviticus 15:19-24, which Jewish women still follow, which God had set out when He first met the Children of Israel at Mount Sinai. I'm not saying I would particularly follow this personally, but I have discovered that contained within this ritual is a prayer of strength for the women who is TTC, which is so precious. In this, there is an acknowledgement of the struggle for women who, like the Matriarchs Sarah, Rachel and Rebecca and not forgetting Hannah, desire to become a mother of her own Bubba. Through this monthly prayer, there seems to be a freedom for the woman, unlike us Christians who are still hiding from infertility, to be allowed to grieve in order to move forward each month. Because at the end of the day, the monthly journey can't be covered by a prayer from three months ago - as each cycle of hope for Bubba fades with the arrival of Aunt Flo.

Every month, after Aunt Flo has been and gone, Jewish women enter a Mikvah (a large bath used in Jewish rituals for full immersion in order for the person to be purified and made clean - there were literally hundreds of them around the Temple in Jesus' day!!) in order to be purified after her period. Before she is immersed, she says a prayer, which in the case of a woman who is TTC is so significant, and such a blessing as it acknowledges the pain, the struggle and the hope for life:

A Meditation - Using the Mikveh when Dealing with Infertility

Prayer written on the ritualwell website, shared by Rabbi Debbie Young-Somers

Mekor Rakhamim (meaning ‘source/place of mercy’. While at such times [Rabbi Debbie] do[es] not sense the merciful, giving God, Rakhamim has it’s root in Rekhem, meaning womb, and therefore is an obvious choice) I thank you for the blessing that is contained in my body’s abilities and functions, which I should not take for granted. But I also cry out to you in my pain, anxiety, and wants. I do not expect an answer, and yet I hope for one.

Help me and my beloved stay strong through the coming month, and remember the strength we share together. We pray that this will be stronger than my monthly remembrance of death, contained within which is a reminder of the hope for life. Help us not to blame ourselves, or each other, and to accept those blessings we do have, rather than focusing on those we do not.

May I find comfort in the merit of my mothers, Sarah, Rebecca, Rachel, and Hannah, who called out to you in their childlessness, and were comforted.

Blessed are You Eternal, who creates each of us whole, and none of us perfect. 

I'm not saying I should suddenly start looking for the nearest Mikvah and start dunking myself under each month, but I think this prayer would become a valuable part of the Journey for Bubba on a regular basis. Surely bringing God to the forefront of our pain, of our struggle is the key thing here! Surely inviting God to keep His hand over Hubby and I each month, as we go through the monthly cycle of hope, anticipation, waiting and failure can only be a good thing.

I hope this type of monthly prayer can be a source of comfort and strength to those of us who are embroiled in the monthly battle of TTC. The battle is not ours, it belongs to the Lord!

Mother's Day Prayer

Father God, I lift up to you every woman for whom today will be difficult, that You would strengthen them, drawing close to them

For the woman who desires to be a mum, but is struggling to conceive, going through Fertility treatment, waiting to find out whether this month is successful, mourning the failure of another attempt, Lord God, please uphold her in Your arms, and shower her with Your love and Your peace.

For the woman who has suffered a miscarriage at any stage of her longed-for pregnancy, or her baby was born sleeping, Father God may she sense Your presence supporting her through this day, ease the pain Father, and may her Hubby and family sensitively encourage her today.

Father this is a day to honour mothers, so I pray each of us would honour our own mother, in the midst of the pain we face to be a mother. Help us oh Lord, and to rejoice with those who are rejoicing, knowing that one day, we too could rejoice in our own motherhood.

In Jesus name I pray.

Encouraged by Hannah's Story

Over the weekend, I have heard a number of speakers at a Conference I attended and in my local Church, and RANDOMLY - I say randomly because there was no hint they would be bringing it up, it seemed to pop-up from nowhere within their sermons - the story of Hannah was used to exhort the speakers listeners.

As someone who is on the tough journey TTC, Hannah is one of those women in the Bible who is a huge source of inspiration and encouragement to me. In many ways, I am similar to her. In many ways, I am walking a very different path. Our main similarities is of being a Jewish woman struggling to conceive a child naturally. We both have "step-children" though unlike Hannah, Hubby's ex is not on the scene and can in no way torment me with her fruitfulness against my barrenness - probably helped by the fact that I don't know her, having only met her one time, and that she lives 40 miles away from us, not in the same house as me, as Hannah had to contend with!

I also share, with Hannah, the desire to take my requests to God. I might not live in Jerusalem, in the time of the Temple, but as a living Temple of the Lord, I strive to lay at His feet my hopes, my desires, my dreams, the deepest longings of my heart. Unlike Hannah - there is no High Priest watching over me accusing me of being a drunkard. But the Great High Priest Himself - Jesus - He watches over me, and intercedes with me for the child I long to hold. He wraps His arms around me in those moments when it is too much of a burden to bear, and supports me, leaning me against Him as we walk through this Journey for Bubba.

Faith is  funny thing. There are times when I have masses of faith - usually near the start of the cycle, or around the time of ovulation! But there are also times when my faith seems so weak, so small, I'm not even sure if it resembles a mustard seed even. Usually around the time of the the end of the cycle, when another egg silently spills away, the promise of new life fades with the departure of Aunt Flow. In those moments I, like Hannah, cry bitter tears of sorrow and hope lost, wondering what God is doing in this Journey for Bubba. In those moments, when faith is so small it's on the verge of fading away, I cry out to God, "I can't do this on my own, I want to believe - Lord, help my unbelief!"

And you know what - it's OK to do that. Jesus knows how hard this is for me - and maybe for you too. He totally gets it that there are times when we do need Him to help our unbelief for the monthly battle we face for the desire of our heart, the desire to be Mumma to our very own Bubba.

So if you are in that moment when you feel hope fading - don't let the monthly disappointment displace your hope for the future child you long for. Don't let our monthly disappointment overwhelm you to the point of turning your back on God. When faith seems at it's lowest, it is OK to say to God - Lord, I don't have faith at this moment, but I want to have faith in what You can do Lord - Give me faith, help my unbelief. In that small act alone, we are still demonstrating faith to God... that's why faith is a funny thing! And God is faithful. He will not only answer your prayer - He will bring an increase!! That's what He does!!! That's the funny thing about God. He always answers beyond our thoughts or imaginations. I know, because He is doing it for me too.