The Dark Side Of Infertility

My heart goes out to the Hubby and family of Nicola Starr - she wasn't anyone I knew, but I read of her story and can identify with her struggle. Nicola Starr was a 37 wife who had been trying to have a baby with her Hubby of 12 years, but was unsuccessful, suffering a miscarriage after IVF treatment. Read the report about Nicola Starr here.

As a result, she became depressed; and after fertility treatment was stopped in 2008, Nicola began to drink, attempting suicide on a number of occasions. She also lost her job, and had an accident which affected her health, adding to her pain and depression. Nicola died from an overdose, earlier this year. 

The sad fact is that infertility does have this type of affect on seemingly normal women... women who are strong, women in the Church who are strong in their faith, women who look like they have it all together. There are many of us who have suffered with depression on some level - and dare I say - some of us have even contemplated the purpose of life if we can't conceive, considering death - no doubt there will be women who read this who have actually attempted suicide. Yes - even in the Church.

Father God, I lift up the Husband and family of Nicola Starr, and pray that You would comfort them and lead them to a place where they will come to know Your presence as you carry them through the valley of death. I pray, Lord, that You will make Yourself known to all of them.

And Lord, I ask that You would draw close to any woman who is in such a dark place in her Journey through fertility, that You would be her light - that You would turn Your ace toward her, cause Your light to shine upon her, showing her mercy and grace and hope in her situation. I pray that for every whisper in her mind that death is a way out, You would combat the lie with the truth of Your life. Oh Lord, even now - let her know she is not alone. Through thought, through word, through deed - a knock on the door, a verbal message, a text, an email, phonecall, or any other electronic means... Lord bring hope and encouragement at this very moment for all those who feel as Nicola felt... for those who don't know You - may they come to know You and rely on You in this storm, and for those who do know You, may they draw closer to You, knowing You will never leave her nor forsake her. In Jesus name I pray.

Lord, If You Are Willing...?

I am reading through the Gospels in preparation for a teaching I will be giving on "The Attitude of Christ" at the end of the week. Even when we think we are reading the Bible with one purpose in mind, the Holy Spirit can speak to us about something we weren't expecting, which is what has happened! In case you can relate, let me share what has been whispered into my spirit.

Matthew 8:2
...a leper came and worshipped Him, saying, "Lord, if You are willing, You can make me clean."

I'm not likening my situation with leprosy, but the attitude of the one who approaches Jesus. When I come to Jesus and ask Him for healing, I know He can, "You can make me clean". This is the faith element which urges me to pray for my body to be healed so I can conceive a healthy Bubba, carry the baby to full term and receive the gift of a child. I know that I know God can heal my body. I have no doubt in this regard. After-all, He is Creator of life itself!

And I'm sure many of you would agree with this.

But, what I have just realised, is that like the leper who approaches Jesus, I am not sure if Jesus is willing to heal me: "Lord, if you are willing..."

There have been times when I pray for this one specific desire of my heart for Bubba, that I have become hesitant in my expectation that Jesus might be even willing to reach into my situation and touch my body with His hand of healing. This is different from doubt, doubt is the unbelief in Jesus' ability to heal. This is something else. I'm not sure what it is, but I know it's different.

Maybe this has arisen over the years of my unfulfilled dream for motherhood? Maybe it stems from how I perceive God sees me - after-all, we have all sinned and fallen short of His standard, from the beginning of creation? Maybe it stems from a sense of unworthiness and lack of confidence that I would be worthy of God being willing to answer this one particular prayer?

The leper would have received the message from society that he wasn't worth being a part of society. He was an outcast. He was unclean. He had to ring a bell to warn people if he was walking by. This may have caused him to approach Jesus with the sense of uncertainty that He was worth being touched by the Messiah. Not that I have received this same message.

But the fact remains... "Lord, if You are willing, I know You can heal me; but what I don't know, is if you actually want to."

Supernatural Childbirth - Another Helpful Book

Before Christmas, a friend of mine lent me a book she had been reading. She is, like me, struggling to conceive. She is further on in her journey, having tried IVF a couple of times. It helps to know that we are not the only couple in the Church who have been struggling with this issue. Anyway, she had bought a book called Supernatural Childbirth, by Jacki Mize (view book and biography on the Publishers website).

Now a few years ago, this book was doing "the rounds" among my pregnant friends, because in it Jackie talks about having pain-free births for the last three of her four children. So I have to be honest and say that initially, when I was given the book, my first thoughts were, "thank you very much, but I won't read that". I took it home and put it on my bedside table praying, "Lord, if You think there is something I can get from this book, then please prompt me to read it, otherwise I'll give it back to her in a couple of weeks."

I then forgot about it, as it gradually became buried under my Bible, my journal and a couple of other books I was reading!


About a week ago, it was staring at me from under my Bible, and I decided to read it. I have to be honest and say it was not what I had expected. I guess because it is called supernatural childBIRTH, and because all my pregnant friends had read it in preparation for their labour, I'd had pre-conceived ideas about it not being relevant for someone struggling to conceive - almost forgetting that my friend who gave it to me is also TTC.

Jackie Mize says, thoughout the book, that to start praying for a supernatural childbirth is best before you conceive. She talks about her own struggle to conceive, and the lessons she learnt through talking with God about her struggle, and about the prayers she prayed leading to the result of having three children supernaturally, pain-free and without complication. She says it's OK to ask God for a particular gender, and it is more worthwhile asking God before you conceive, rather than expecting Him to change the baby's gender in your womb! She says it is more beneficial to pray over every aspect of the pregnancy and labour before you are, as you invite God into the whole process, rather than at the end of it.

She looks at the relationships in the Bible of the "barren women", and shares some of the insights God gave to her and her husband, including some important lessons regarding the curse given by God after Adam and Eve had sinned in the Garden (see Genesis 3:14-19). She explains how the Holy Spirit had revealed to her and her husband that the word "sorrow" doesn't mean sadness / pain etc.. as has been interpreted for centuries. Rather the Hebrew word "sorrow" has the same meaning as "grief" as used of Jesus when He faces the cross. Jesus is not sorrowful - He is grieved.

One of the greatest aspects of this small book, for me, was the fact that throughout there is a sense of Jackie and her husband Terry TOGETHER in the journey. Her husband shares her sorrow and grief and together they seek God for conception and a pain free pregnancy and delivery. There's such a sense that she was not alone in her Journey for Bubba.

At the end of the book, Jackie provides the reader with a selection of prayers she prayed, not as a "this is how it should be done", but as a "this worked for me, allow the Holy Spirit to adapt it for you". Sometimes I find it hard to know HOW to pray, so having this book has opened up a way for me to pray when I don't know how to. Not because I don't rely on the Holy Spirit, but because it helps to have the guidance of others who have gone before me.

The upshot of this is that I have ordered the book for myself, and the corresponding Prayers and Promises for Supernatural Childbirth which Jackie produced later!

If, like me, you sometimes just don't know how to pray, because infertility is one of those topics which isn't discussed much in Churches, then I would recommend you have a look at this one. Praying for our Bubba before he or she arrives, covering him or her at every stage of life, from conception to development to their arrival in the world, seems logical to me. I often pray for Bubba, but reading Supernatural Childbirth opened my eyes to praying wider... for a healthy egg and healthy sperm, for development in the womb, against any complications etc... as Jackie says, its better to pray before something has happened than after!

Documentary on Fertility And Prayers For The Process.

Just watched a BBC Four documentary, Baby Makers: The Fertility Clinic, which was recorded during 2012 at Liverpool's Hewitt Fertility Centre, by Richard Macer. He followed the journey's of four couples who had not yet been successful in conceiving a child, and so they were attempting a course of IVF.

The opening statement made by Richard, is that Britain is "in the grip of a fertility crisis", as more and more of us struggle to conceive a child naturally. One of the opening statements of gynecologist Richard was following was that a woman who is infertile is suffering from a disease - as he defines as disease as the body's inability to function what should be a normal process. In his opinion, every woman should be offered the chance to be treated for her illness, and so they offer women two courses of IVF on the NHS (so if a woman is a step-mum, it wouldn't hinder her from having the treatment).

It was interesting to see how the process works, and how the team of embryologists consider what they do to be as emotionally charged as they follow the couples they are trying to help. In the case of one couple, where the husband had a low sperm-count, the embryologist "played God" and chose which of the sperm she considered to be the strongest swimmer, which she then injected into each of the eggs which had been collected from his wife - in this instance, five eggs. Although the five eggs were fertilised, only one of the eggs  continued to develop, with the other four deteriorating. This meant the "selection" of the best embryo was made, and then implanted back into the wife. Sadly, when the pregnancy test was done 10 days later, I cried with the women as she read the negative result.

One of the other cases, the embryologist separated each of the eggs into their own petri-dish, and then some of her husband's sperm were injected into the dishes, to fight their way in "natural selection" toward the egg. After a few days, again the strongest egg was chosen and implanted back into the woman. Again, more tears were shed when they realised that the healthy, "camera shy" egg they had been shown prior to implantation, was not a successful pregnancy. This second couple had been through the two rounds of NHS treatments, and were not sure they could cope with a further course of IVF. It is an emotionally exhausting, mentally draining procedure each time, and not one they felt they could embark on lightly.

Of the four couples, only the final couple Richard introduced to us, had a successful pregnancy, and their son was born in December 2012. Again, I cried with this first time IVF couple, as she had received the news they had been hoping for when they first started IVF.

If you want to know more about what IVF is, and how it works, then I would highly recommend watching this hour long fly-on-the-wall documentary. I find there is nothing better than following another person's journey, even just to know I am not the only person struggling with this difficult path known as infertility.

It was interesting listen to the observations of a man who interacted off-camera with the four couples he was following, and the staff they were interacting with - including telling one nurse who didn't have children, and hadn't wanted children, that she may be considered special! Awkward!! Lol!! I don't know much about him, I don't know if he has had to walk a journey of infertility himself - a look at his limited FB page shows he is a father, but he is sensitive in his communication with each of the couples, even at the end of the process with those who have not had a successful round of IVF. Through his narrative, it was easy to identify with the way the staff felt, as each embryologist did her best to try to make a success story for the couples they were trying to help. Because we had been given a brief glimpse into their Journey's for Bubba, I felt the heartache of the couples who didn't have a positive pregnancy test result. This confirms to me, that IVF is not for me.

Lord I pray for each of the couples who were featured in tonight's programme. I pray You would comfort each of them through the grieving process, even though it may be almost a year since they were filmed. For the couple who suffered the ectopic pregnancy after the programme was filmed, I pray you would draw close to the mother who lost her child she had been carrying. I pray, Father God, that You would map out out each couple's journey for Bubba, and lend them Your hand to uphold them through the tough times. I pray Your peace would be with them, and I pray, Lord Jesus, You would bring success for each of them - however this may look to them individually. 

And for each couple who has taken the step to entrust their baby to the success of IVF, Lord I pray You would lift them up through each course they attempt. Be with the people involved in the process, and let Your peace rule their hearts and minds.