Does God Know When..?

I was praying for a friend at our Church Prayer Meeting the other night, she is on a similar journey with her Hubby, although they have been on the road for many years. The reason we ended up praying together was because someone had just brought a Word of knowledge, and the the Pastor asked us to "seal the Word of God" and to pray in pairs, specifically for God to break-through where we individually need God to move in our lives. So because my friend and I are closely supporting each other, she suddenly appeared next to me while the Pastor was still speaking.

Now, I'll be honest, I was still in that frame of mind which had affected my weekend, where I still trying to find God in this leg of the journey, nevermind having the faith to pray anything coherent!

But, God literally worked through my brokenness and the Holy Spirit prayed through my mouth for my friend. She looked at me, with tears on her cheeks and said, "Wow! That's God!" and I was like, "It must have been, I've literally got nothing!!" That's when you know God IS walking by your side, when you somehow find the words to join your faith with someone else and pray.

One of the things I prayed for them, was about God being with them to the point where they can literally hear His voice telling them the right time, the right moment, for the seed to be fertilised. This has lead me to wonder, "Just how much does God actually care about our daily lives?" Obviously He knows our bodies intimately, and He knows how the development of Bubba will occur but can He, through His Holy Spirit, lead us to the when? The when for a Hubby and wife to make love and release the seed which is needed?

If He can... then I pray that our ears will be tuned into His voice so that we will know that one moment needed for that one egg to be fertilised. I pray that every Hubby and wife who knows the Lord, and can hear His voice, will learn to recognise His voice, even in that one moment. And may He fill our empty arms with the much longed-for Bubba. In Jesus name.

Insensitive Opinions Rant

One of the things which I keep hearing being said more and more frequently recently, is really rather annoying, and incredibly insensitive. 

There seems to be this "thing" going round Christian circles at the moment, which states that Christians who struggle to have their own children, should just adopt, because there are so many children out there who have been orphaned or neglected, and it would be the perfect way for couples who can't have a child to feel the reward of being a parent.

Needlesstosay that most of the people who have said this (either to me directly, or within earshot) are parents. I.e. they have their child and so cannot possibly add to their family by taking in an orphaned child, but the "perfect" cure to the problem is for couples who can't have children to "step up to the Christian duty". 

Oh really!

Because you parents are obviously aware that it is so easy to deal with the pain of not being able to have a child, by looking after someone else's child! Of course! Silly me!

Oh, and thank you for adding to the guilt that women like me, who are desperately TTC but can't, already feel when we cannot give our husbands the blessing of a child. Our own child. Conceived in love. Conceived between the two of us. So I now have to contend with the guilt of being a "bad Christian" because I haven't reached the place where I am fully ready to let go of my dream to hold my own baby in my arms, and bring into my life, or my home, a child who has been given up for adoption, for one reason or another. 

Seriously??

Is this now my fault as well!

Adoption is not solely the responsibility of the Christian couple who cannot conceive. In my humble opinion, adoption shouldn't be used as a "cure" for the pain a woman feels at not being able to have her own baby. A child is a precious gift from God, not a tool for us to use for whatever reason. 

In my humble opinion, adoption should be considered as and when any couple is ready to discuss or consider the potential of welcoming a child into your family. On its own merits. Not as one of the "tried and tested" methods ("get a dog / a cat / adopt or foster a child and you'll be so relaxed you'll conceive in no time"... yes, people do say that kind of thing!!!) of how other couples who couldn't have a baby, ended up having a baby!

For where I am at, in my Journey for Bubba, the idea of adoption isn't one I am yet ready to thin about. It hurts too much to think I won't have my own child. That doesn't make me a bad Christian, or a selfish Christian, or an unworthy Christian, It makes me human, and one who is walking day-by-day in the arms of my Heavenly Saviour Who has promised He won't let go of me, no matter how tough it gets. He doesn't condemn me... so why should anyone else's opinion attempt to condemn me. 

Rant over!

Above The Doctor's Report

While he was still speaking to her, messengers arrived from the home of Jairus, the leader of the synagogue. They told him, “Your daughter is dead. There’s no use troubling the Teacher now.” But Jesus overheard them and said to Jairus, “Don’t be afraid. Just have faith.” Mark 5:35-36

Ahhh... the voices of doom and gloom! The messengers of discouragement, who tell you what you really didn't want to hear! No one wants to know that what you are hoping for has died, especially in the battle of fertility! 

I'll be honest, when the doctors dismissed me with a handshake and a courteous "good luck", it actually felt like the hope for Bubba had died. It was like in that moment, as the Consultant's office door closed, all I heard was, "There are no other avenues, no further options, we are writing you off and don't hold out much hope for you chances."

The messenger had declared to me, "Your desire for a son or daughter is useless, your chance of becoming a Mumma is dead."

But as I was reading this passage in Mark, it was like the Spirit of God was actually speaking over me, "Don't be afraid. Just have faith." He was combating the thoughts of death and hopelessness with His truth, giving me back a sense of hope, of reassurance and keeping the dream for Bubba alive. 

It isn't an easy process. It has taken me, what, six months to hear Him say, "Don't be afraid. Just have faith." And now I have to begin to implement that in my Journey - the first stage involves me to stop being afraid that I won't ever know the joy of becoming a mum. The second involves me once again having faith that it will happen. 

Whatever doctor's report has been spoken over your life, hold onto the Word of God... "Don't be afraid, just have faith." 

Lord, If You Are Willing...?

I am reading through the Gospels in preparation for a teaching I will be giving on "The Attitude of Christ" at the end of the week. Even when we think we are reading the Bible with one purpose in mind, the Holy Spirit can speak to us about something we weren't expecting, which is what has happened! In case you can relate, let me share what has been whispered into my spirit.

Matthew 8:2
...a leper came and worshipped Him, saying, "Lord, if You are willing, You can make me clean."

I'm not likening my situation with leprosy, but the attitude of the one who approaches Jesus. When I come to Jesus and ask Him for healing, I know He can, "You can make me clean". This is the faith element which urges me to pray for my body to be healed so I can conceive a healthy Bubba, carry the baby to full term and receive the gift of a child. I know that I know God can heal my body. I have no doubt in this regard. After-all, He is Creator of life itself!

And I'm sure many of you would agree with this.

But, what I have just realised, is that like the leper who approaches Jesus, I am not sure if Jesus is willing to heal me: "Lord, if you are willing..."

There have been times when I pray for this one specific desire of my heart for Bubba, that I have become hesitant in my expectation that Jesus might be even willing to reach into my situation and touch my body with His hand of healing. This is different from doubt, doubt is the unbelief in Jesus' ability to heal. This is something else. I'm not sure what it is, but I know it's different.

Maybe this has arisen over the years of my unfulfilled dream for motherhood? Maybe it stems from how I perceive God sees me - after-all, we have all sinned and fallen short of His standard, from the beginning of creation? Maybe it stems from a sense of unworthiness and lack of confidence that I would be worthy of God being willing to answer this one particular prayer?

The leper would have received the message from society that he wasn't worth being a part of society. He was an outcast. He was unclean. He had to ring a bell to warn people if he was walking by. This may have caused him to approach Jesus with the sense of uncertainty that He was worth being touched by the Messiah. Not that I have received this same message.

But the fact remains... "Lord, if You are willing, I know You can heal me; but what I don't know, is if you actually want to."

This is National Infertility Awareness Week

So today is the first day in what will become an annual awareness week each October, launched by patient-charity Infertility Network UK to support its Talking about Trying campaign.

It is hoped that by holding the week-long National Infertility Awareness campaign, the issues which affect as many as 1 in 6 people, in their struggle to conceive, more people will begin to understand the illnesses which causes subfertility, providing much needed support for those who are dealing with this in their lives.

As someone who likes to help raise awareness of stuff affecting women, I found it quite telling that when it came to raising the profile of "wear it pink day" for the Breast Cancer campaign, I didn't think twice about clicking "share" or posting inspirational testimonies. But when it comes to fertility problems, I found myself hesitating over the posts appearing in my newsfeed, wanting to share the post, but holding back. 

Even when it came to writing an article about National Infertility Awareness Week for one of the Christian papers, I hesitated before writing the one sentence about my own situation. Then deleted it. Then reinserted it. Then paused before hitting the "submit" button. Why is it so much harder to be open about my own struggle with infertility, but not about my brush with breast cancer (I found a lump in one of my breasts when I was about 25. It turned out to not be cancer, but we decided to remove it anyway).

There's such a stigma associated with being "infertile", even to this day, that to admit I am one of the 1 in 6 people struggling is hard to do. I want to, in order to be a support to any of my other friends who are in a similar situation, but I don't want to be on the receiving end of awkward conversations, or pity. Nor do I want to be avoided because others are not sure how to handle my situation!

My aim, by the end of the week, is to re-post something relating to the Infertility awareness week. To step out from the shadows, and brave the responses of others. Why should I allow the reactions of people to hold me back - and who knows, there might be another Prayer Warrior added to my "Battle for Bubba"!!

Prophetic Fuschia - A Word for Someone.

OK, so I don't claim to be a prophet, or anything like that, and this is the first time this has really happened in relation to this blog, but I really feel that the Lord has given me a word for someone reading this. Now bearing in mind i don't know who reads this, I think it's amazing that God has chosen to use me to encourage you. So here goes.

In my hanging baskets last year, I added a couple of fuschias to add some colour and height. They looked amazing and served the purpose for which I had bought them, last summer. I don't know much about plants, so when the hanging basket died down in the late autumn, I just assumed I would need to buy more annuals when the time came for it in the late spring. Not thinking anything more about the mass of dead branches, and withered leaves which clogged up the hanging baskets at the front of my house. I suppose if I was a bit more savvy, I'd have created some kind of winter display, instead of leaving the dead stuff!

Skip ahead six months, and it's time for me to work on this year's display, so off I trundle one Bank Holiday to the Garden Centre and invest in a range of plants, some annuals and some perennials (this grow back year after year, so I'm told!!). I bought a load of soily stuff and with the help of some helpful random bloke who was minding his own business, I manage to get everything into the back of my car, and home!

It was such a gorgeous day as I sat on the patio, clearing out the old baskets and replanting the new stuff into the new soil, and I chatted with the Lord while I worked. When I picked up the third basket, I started to tip the old dead stuff out, when suddenly I looked closer at what was inside. The fuschia, which I had assumed was dead, had a couple of bright green leaves sprouting on it. There was life, where I thought there was death.

Someone reading this has been thinking that their womb is dead, because it is not doing what it should be doing. I had thought the fuschia was dead because it looked dead in the basket - I had thought it wasn't doing what it should have been doing - even though I had left it outside throughout the cold, hard winter we have just had.

You may have experienced a cold, hard "winter" in relation to your desire to start a family, and you may not have thought your womb was able to produce life, having only experienced death, but God is telling you that where you thought death was, He will bring life. Your womb is not dead. It will sprout new growth. Your womb will bring forth the life for which God created it. don't "throw it away".


Father God, I pray You will lead the right person / people to read this post who You have spoken this word over. And I pray that you will cause life to spring up in the womb which has been considered, or pronounced as being "dead". I pray for those wives of Husbands who are affected by fertility issues, that they too would experience life in that which has been thought of as being dead. Lord Jesus, I pray You would breathe life into couples whose hope is in You. In Jesus' name.

Hubby's Question

We were driving home after dropping my Gorgeous Stepson at home and Hubby repeated a question he'd asked me after my last bout of tears.

"Would you consider adoption as an option if things don't work out?"

He didn't mean anything by it other than gauging where I'm at. The first time, I'd managed to ignore his question and bury my head in the sand because I really wasn't ready to vocalise my thoughts. But in a car.... There's no sand!

I was honest with him and shared the thoughts I'd already had charging around my mind. "I'm not sure I'm at that right place to be honest. What if we do adopt and then they turn around and yell at me, 'you're not my mum'? What if I can't bond with the child because there's not that natural bond between us? What if the child is so different from you and me they don't like us and leave us as soon as they can? I'm not sure I could handle anything like that. And adopting a child isn't the same as us having our own."

I know there are couples who do adopt and I know there are so many orphans desperate to be adopted, but for me the desire to be Bubba's Mamma is not so much about having a baby to raise, its about Hubby and I becoming parents of our own child. Not to have a designer 'pick your own child', but to be blessed by God in our marriage.

Maybe this is too simplistic a view. But this is the reality of where I'm at right now. Hubby asked, "so that option is off the table then?" and I told him things may change in the future, so it's not a permanent removal. Who knows what direction the Lord will take us on on this Journey for Bubba.

Father God I pray for all the orphans who have been adopted by parents who struggled to conceive. Lord I pray You would bless their relationships and cause the love to flow between patent r and child. Give Your wisdom to them Lord. I pray also for those orphans who are waiting to be adopted - be a Father to them, wrap them in Your love, protect them and lead them on the path You created them to walk upon. In Jesus name I pray.

...Awkward!!

I was recently talking with a friend and colleague - a beautiful Godly woman I look up to a lot. She's older than me, so we often have some wonderful time of encouragement and learning (usually on my part!!).

On this occasion, we had been talking about cars, and I shared with her my desire to get a new car at some point. Hubby and I have spoken about the fact that when Bubba arrives, the small car we have now won't really be suitable for a family of "four" (including my step son who stays with us once a fortnight).

I think about all aspects of the future... as you can tell!!

She asked then that million dollar question... "When do you see yourself having a family of your own?"

I responded "Well, we've been trying for a year, so I don't know. Whenever the Lord allows us to have one."

Silence ensued.

"God knows what He is doing" I said.


It was a little awkward, and if we hadn't been interrupted by a couple of people ahead of us, then who knows where the conversation would have been led. I think so often, people take it for granted that woman can have children. We seem to forget that not everyone can. Many women are struggling with the idea of being "infertile" - or as the Bile would say, "barren". It would be lovely if we could have all the answers to life's difficult questions, or if the right thing to say were always on the tip of our tongue at any given moment. Not in a glib, superficial kind of a way, but in a sincere empathetic way.

We each receive a measure of comfort from the Lord. And yes, it is easier to comfort someone when you have been through exactly what someone else is going through. It's easier to see where they are at when you have been there. But at the same time - we can support one another even if we haven't been through the same life problem, just because life is not perfect and stuff happens!

I would have loved to take away that moment of awkwardness... and many other times of awkwardness when people ask me the "family" question. But I can't. What I can do, is receive the encouragement offered and the confirmation of hope in Jesus. What I can do is receive your prayer support.

If ever you encounter one of those "awkward silences" why not offer to pray with the person you are speaking with. Pray in agreement with them for the thing they are seeking God about. Pray for God's strength to endure. Pray for the Lord to uphold them, with His righteous right hand - because even if you haven't been where you are - one day you may need someone to pray for you.