Overwhelmed

I want a baby!

Hubby is currently away, spending time with his son, and it's giving me time to think and wonder what it would be like to spend time with my own child. It doesn't help when Hubby handed the phone to my Step-Son who thought it was his mum and so called me "mum". 

What would it be really like to be called "mum", like for real? 
By my own child? 
To actually belong to someone in that way???

There's only so long I can stay strong for, before the hurt begins to overwhelm me... and today is one of those days. A day of unmet longings. A day of wondering. A day of sadness. A day of heaviness. A day of recognising the loneliness, rather than trying to run from it, or hide from it. 

To admit - I want a baby.

And though it has been thrown at me, "You're too desperate" is that such a bad thing??
I am desperate.
Desperate to have a child of my own.
Desperate to be a mum.


God is our strength, and draws closest to us when we feel furthest away from His embrace. 

Like a Slap in the Face

Don't you just hate it, when you're just doing life, minding your own business, when suddenly the grief of the struggle to conceive slaps you in the face... usually at the most awkward moments... or is it just me!

Hubby and I had taken my Stepson out for the day over the weekend. We thought it would be fun to visit a local farm attraction, and it was! We had so much fun together. But literally about an hour after lunch, I suddenly had this huge overwhelming desire to burst into tears. As I looked around me I was literally surrounded by families with babies and toddlers - some of the kids resembling so strongly their mum or dad. I looked at Hubby and his boy, and there is absolutely no denying they are father and son.

I wondered what my own Bubba would be like, whether he or she would resemble me physically or in character. I then wondered how much fun my Bubba would have and how I would be able to talk to my Bubba about the animals, and of how God created them. We could have petted them together, fed them together and done the things I saw mum's doing with their precious little ones. And what Hubby was doing with his son. I could have shared in a more intimate way, the excitement of my Bubba as a lovebird landed on his or her hand, the exuberance of whizzing down the bumpy slide, the joy at watching the meerkats playing together, the laughter as he or she tried to stroke one of the pesky chickens... as a step parent, I really felt outside the "family bond" which I was supposed to be a part of.

The impact of this came up so suddenly, without warning, without me actively thinking along those lines, and the accompanying grief was immense. Unexpected in the middle of a brilliant day trip. It was all I could do to hold back the tears, right there in the middle of muddy puddles, in my wellies, surrounded by all these families on the farm.

Hubby was brilliant. He sensed almost as soon as I was aware of my emotional state, what was happening within me. He didn't tell me to "pull myself together" or to "just enjoy the day for what it is" or to "forget about our struggles", he understood that this was suddenly a lot harder than it should have been as a day out together. He held me. He comforted me. He was there for me. He understood.

On the drive home, when Hubby and his son were asleep in the car (both in exactly the same position, head back, mouth open), I finally afforded myself the luxury of the tears which had built up so suddenly. They flowed like streams of grief down my cheeks, my heart ached with the emptiness of my empty arms, my broken body, my unfulfilled womb. The grief allowed to leave my heart, leave my soul and come out into the open. Sometimes, we need to allow ourselves to let it go.

This Journey for Bubba is hard work, and pretending otherwise is to deny the depths of the longing for our own child. Trusting God will work in my impossible situation doesn't mean there won' be times it hurts. Faith is believing God can and will work in this Journey, and until He does, I will work through the days like this when my mind gives me an unexpected slap in the face.

Being a Step-mum, While Trying To Conceive

A step-parent will never ever replace the place of a parent in a child's life or heart. Many of us don't even want to. But the relationship needs to be nurtured, as it isn't a natural parent-child relationship. Obviously, the younger the step-parent is brought into the life of a child, the easier it is for this happen, though this isn't always possible. This has been my experience with my Gorgeous Step-son, who I have known since he was three.

But I am finding, that as Hubby and I are TTC, there are times when I find it really hard to connect with them both. Hubby understands this, to an extent, and tries to draw me in, including me in what is happening throughout the weekend he is with us.

The natural relationship between a child and parent is a beautiful one. I see it so clearly in the way Hubby and my Gorgeous Step-son interact with each other. It's wonderful to observe. But painful too. Painful as I watch them and wonder if or when I will have the honour of experiencing that with my own child. There have been occasions recently when it is too much to bear, and I've had to take myself away from them, because the pain has been too great for me to enjoy our time together. When this happens, I try to find a way to make it up to my Gorgeous Step-son, as it is not his fault I am in this situation.

If you are a natural parent, and your wife or husband is a step-parent who isTTC, it is so important that you talk with each other and ensure the step-parent is included and supported in the change to your situation. I believe it is especially hard for a woman who is the outsider trying to conceive. The instinct to be a mother is there, but the opportunity really isn't there, because as I said at the outset, a step-parent never ever wants to replace the natural parent.

As we draw closer to Christmas, it is becoming a little more difficult this year. As I consider taking my Gorgeous Step-son out to purchase a present from him to his daddy, I am aware that this will be missing from my own life. The joy of a hand-made card or present, a drawing, or a specifically chosen gift are an expression of the bond between a child and his or her parent.

If you are in a step-parent situation, I would urge the natural parent to consider the feelings of the step-parent, and include the whole family at Christmas, with gifts or cards. Maybe you already do. Hubby hasn't quite grasped this, yet, as he never did that kind of thing with either of his step-parents - it hasn't dawned on him that I have a different kind of relationship with my Gorgeous Step-son than he did with his step-parents. He told me after my birthday, that he had thought about getting something from my Gorgeous Step-son to me, but hadn't "got around to it". If you don't get around to it, please don't tell your wife or husband you had thought about it, especially if she is TTC.

A thought needs more, it requires a corresponding action.

Especially as this may be the only link between your child and your wife or husband at being in a parent-child relationship. This may be the only opportunity your wife or husband has at being a "mum" or a "dad".

Hubby's emulator

I love to watch Hubby with my Stepson. The bond they have between them is beautiful to watch, and the way the younger emulates his father is so lovely. They have many precious moments together, especially when I am still in bed, and they dance around or play games together, it's so nice to hear the six year old giggles floating up the stairs.

When he stays with us, he feels safe, and although I am not his mum, we have our own special relationship. There are so many moments when he will snuggle into me if I am curled up on the sofa watching tele or reading a book.

But I can never fully understand the bond between a parent and their child. Not yet. Sometimes I wonder whether Hubby will have enough love to share with our Bubba, when we fall pregnant. Sometimes I wonder how our little one will connect with his older half-brother. Sometimes I wonder how the family dynamic will change and develop once Bubba is brought into the world.

Yesterday Hubby and I argued over a pair of trainers for our weekend boy. Not because I begrudge him buying stuff for his son - of course I don't. But I wonder whether when Bubba is old enough Hubby will be as generous as he is now. How do parents divide their hearts between their offspring?

I want my Stepson to be as big a part of Bubba's life as he can be. And I want our Bubba to benefit from having Daddy's attention and the benefit of Big Brothers devotion and love. He has a sister who lives at home with him, his mummy and his mummy's partner. The love he has for his sister is gorgeous, and yeah - being the older brother maybe tough for him at time, but he loves his little sister so much. How easy will he find loving Bubba whom he won't live with, and who he will only see on a fortnightly basis.

Our family can become the better for these changing relationships, in time, once Bubba is conceived. Until then - I pray Hubby and his Captain will have many precious memories to treasure together, so that when Bubba arrives in the world - the three of them will have as much of a strong bond as the two of them do now. If that's OK?