A step-parent will never ever replace the place of a parent in a child's life or heart. Many of us don't even want to. But the relationship needs to be nurtured, as it isn't a natural parent-child relationship. Obviously, the younger the step-parent is brought into the life of a child, the easier it is for this happen, though this isn't always possible. This has been my experience with my Gorgeous Step-son, who I have known since he was three.
But I am finding, that as Hubby and I are TTC, there are times when I find it really hard to connect with them both. Hubby understands this, to an extent, and tries to draw me in, including me in what is happening throughout the weekend he is with us.
The natural relationship between a child and parent is a beautiful one. I see it so clearly in the way Hubby and my Gorgeous Step-son interact with each other. It's wonderful to observe. But painful too. Painful as I watch them and wonder if or when I will have the honour of experiencing that with my own child. There have been occasions recently when it is too much to bear, and I've had to take myself away from them, because the pain has been too great for me to enjoy our time together. When this happens, I try to find a way to make it up to my Gorgeous Step-son, as it is not his fault I am in this situation.
If you are a natural parent, and your wife or husband is a step-parent who isTTC, it is so important that you talk with each other and ensure the step-parent is included and supported in the change to your situation. I believe it is especially hard for a woman who is the outsider trying to conceive. The instinct to be a mother is there, but the opportunity really isn't there, because as I said at the outset, a step-parent never ever wants to replace the natural parent.
As we draw closer to Christmas, it is becoming a little more difficult this year. As I consider taking my Gorgeous Step-son out to purchase a present from him to his daddy, I am aware that this will be missing from my own life. The joy of a hand-made card or present, a drawing, or a specifically chosen gift are an expression of the bond between a child and his or her parent.
If you are in a step-parent situation, I would urge the natural parent to consider the feelings of the step-parent, and include the whole family at Christmas, with gifts or cards. Maybe you already do. Hubby hasn't quite grasped this, yet, as he never did that kind of thing with either of his step-parents - it hasn't dawned on him that I have a different kind of relationship with my Gorgeous Step-son than he did with his step-parents. He told me after my birthday, that he had thought about getting something from my Gorgeous Step-son to me, but hadn't "got around to it". If you don't get around to it, please don't tell your wife or husband you had thought about it, especially if she is TTC.
A thought needs more, it requires a corresponding action.
Especially as this may be the only link between your child and your wife or husband at being in a parent-child relationship. This may be the only opportunity your wife or husband has at being a "mum" or a "dad".
