Lord, If You Are Willing...?

I am reading through the Gospels in preparation for a teaching I will be giving on "The Attitude of Christ" at the end of the week. Even when we think we are reading the Bible with one purpose in mind, the Holy Spirit can speak to us about something we weren't expecting, which is what has happened! In case you can relate, let me share what has been whispered into my spirit.

Matthew 8:2
...a leper came and worshipped Him, saying, "Lord, if You are willing, You can make me clean."

I'm not likening my situation with leprosy, but the attitude of the one who approaches Jesus. When I come to Jesus and ask Him for healing, I know He can, "You can make me clean". This is the faith element which urges me to pray for my body to be healed so I can conceive a healthy Bubba, carry the baby to full term and receive the gift of a child. I know that I know God can heal my body. I have no doubt in this regard. After-all, He is Creator of life itself!

And I'm sure many of you would agree with this.

But, what I have just realised, is that like the leper who approaches Jesus, I am not sure if Jesus is willing to heal me: "Lord, if you are willing..."

There have been times when I pray for this one specific desire of my heart for Bubba, that I have become hesitant in my expectation that Jesus might be even willing to reach into my situation and touch my body with His hand of healing. This is different from doubt, doubt is the unbelief in Jesus' ability to heal. This is something else. I'm not sure what it is, but I know it's different.

Maybe this has arisen over the years of my unfulfilled dream for motherhood? Maybe it stems from how I perceive God sees me - after-all, we have all sinned and fallen short of His standard, from the beginning of creation? Maybe it stems from a sense of unworthiness and lack of confidence that I would be worthy of God being willing to answer this one particular prayer?

The leper would have received the message from society that he wasn't worth being a part of society. He was an outcast. He was unclean. He had to ring a bell to warn people if he was walking by. This may have caused him to approach Jesus with the sense of uncertainty that He was worth being touched by the Messiah. Not that I have received this same message.

But the fact remains... "Lord, if You are willing, I know You can heal me; but what I don't know, is if you actually want to."

The Faith Cycle

I don't know about you, but there are times when my faith-level seems to be a bit like my monthly cycle. I'm specifically talking about this Journey for Bubba, because for almost everything else, there seems to be a consistency in the level of faith I have - particularly when it comes to praying for others!

But like my monthly cycle - there are days when I am full of faith, and there are days when my faithful resolve has weakened somewhat. I may have noticed a pattern too.... Before ovulation - faith levels are up there in the heavens... around the due date of Aunt Flo's arrival - there is a sudden and dramatic dip... or plummet, depending on the symptoms I start to experience!

It's quite exhausting, actually, but this is the cycle my body and my spirit seem to have fallen into step with! The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak!

So with this in mind i was struck by this particular incident of healing in Matthew's account of Jesus' life:

Matthew 9: 28:29: ...And Jesus said to them, “Do you believe that I am able to do this?” They said to Him, “Yes, Lord.” Then He touched their eyes, saying, “According to your faith let it be to you.” 

If Jesus had asked me at the wrong time of the month this particular question, and healed me "according to my faith" ... ooeerr missus! That's quite a scary thought that Jesus would sometimes limit Himself to the faith of the person He is healing! I had a conversation with someone just yesterday who thought she had to have people to pray for her, in order to be healed by God, until I explained that it's not about the person praying, it's about the God who hears, answers and heals. 


I've always believed that, and yet here we have a journey of healing. Firstly, two blind blokes are following Jesus, asking Him to have mercy on them. Then when Jesus entered a particular house (don't know who's house it was, but they obviously had an open door policy!), these two blokes followed them in. This is quite an incredible thing to do... It can't have been easy for two blind guys to follow someone they couldn't see into unknown areas and entering into a house they had never been to before... and who knows how long they had been following Jesus? Matthew's account doesn't give us any indication of the length of time Jesus walked from one place to the other, it could have taken days, definitely hours... I went to Israel last year, and we went to the Galilee area where Jesus lived The region is mountainous... it's not a level footpath where the blind men would have been walking... it is rocky, dusty, had they been available, hiking boots with the little spikes would have been required as they'd have trekked through the cities of Galilee. 

Some of us may have been walking this type of Journey for Bubba in a spiritual sense. following Jesus wherever He leads us, sometimes our journeys are up and down... like a mountain. Crying out to Jesus in the hope He will hear us, "Have mercy on me, Jesus. Have mercy and hear the cries of my heart". 

To us, it would seem obvious what we need from the Lord. Just as it would seem obvious to those around that these two blind blokes would have a level of faith which says they believe Jesus is able to heal them, based on the fact that they had followed Him like this.

But Jesus asks them what would appear to be a superfluous question. He says, "Do you believe I am able to do this?" I'd be like, "Err... hello, isn't it obvious??? I can't see where I am going, but I followed you all this time... I saw and heard you raising that little girl to life when she was technically dead, I heard about that woman who touched your coat and was healed... do I believe you can do the same for me????"

But actually... Do I believe God is able to heal me. I don't have a problem with Him healing others... but do I believe He can bring healing in my body, in my situation??


And this is the question I leave us with... You may have following Jesus for years... you may not have been with Him for that long. You may have felt like your walk with Him has been rough and mountainous, rather than the smooth path you were hoping for - or believe you see others walking. You may have been crying out to God for most of your Journey, "Lord have mercy on me!" But now that Jesus turns His attention to you, and asks you "Do you believe that I am able to do this?" Be prepared to answer Him, for He may just respond, "according to your faith, let it be to you."


Father God, I believe You are able, I believe You are willing. But I know that there are times when I hold myself back because I think why would You for me, when there are so many others who have a greater need. Lord, I ask that you would increase my faith that You will, to match the understanding I have that You can. I pray that across this whole situation of others who are TTC, that You would increase faith, so we will be able to respond to Your question with great faith. Lord, I pray You would bring a consistency in how much I believe You can, and take me off the roller-coaster of up down faith which has followed my monthly cycle, bringing a level which will uphold me when times are tough. "Lord, I believe, help my unbelief" (Mark 9:24).

Lord, If You Are Willing...

Matthew 8:2-3 NLT Suddenly, a man with leprosy approached him and knelt before him. “Lord,” the man said, “if you are willing, you can heal me and make me clean.”Jesus reached out and touched him. “I am willing,” he said. “Be healed!” And instantly the leprosy disappeared.

I may not have leprosy, but I'd still like to say to Jesus, if You are willing, You can heal me. His Word tells us that if we ask anything in His name, we will receive. For me, right now as one cycle ends and a new one begins, I ask Him for healing in my body so that it can do what it's supposed to do... Bear a child!

Sometimes, it's hard to understand exactly what God's will is in this Journey For Bubba, and that clause if You are willing, is a bit cowardly really. Of course He is willing, He created a woman's body for children. Why would He not be willing if it's in His design from the outset! By adding in that clause it seems to offer a way out in the future... Should (please Lord let this never be so) I not conceive my Bubba.

The second part, You can heal me, is a very definite statement of faith. Jesus can heal me. He can heal my conception difficulties. He is God. He sustains life, so I know for sure He can heal me. When??? Well, that's the hard bit. Rarely do we get a time-frame from the Lord of when He will act on our behalf. Our proviso is just to rest in the knowledge that He will.

And therein lies the difficulty. Resting in the knowledge that God works all things out according to His will and purposes. I would have loved an 'and instantly' moment, such as this man enjoyed. It would have been easier to cope with. Until the time comes when I can announce I am healed, I stand in faith that Jesus has said "Be healed".