When Dreams and Reality Refuse to Align!

According to an article Daily Mail today, nearly a fifth of British women in their late 30's early 40's struggle to conceive (read the article here).

I certainly fit in this bracket, approaching the big 4-Ohhh next year. While the article suggests that one of the reasons for this is down to more women focussing on their careers above starting a family, I disagree that this can be attributed to most of us with a degree! 

I didn't choose to focus on getting my career sorted before starting a family. Life has just worked out that way. I would have loved to have had the chance to settle down with the right guy, and start a family much, much sooner. But alas, our dreams and our reality rarely collide in beautiful alignment, like they seem to do in films! 

In my case - reality was as far apart from my dream, as the east is from the west! But sure, oh great science boffins. Blame women for wanting to have a better life while she waits for the right man to enter stage right, whisk her off toward marriage and to start a family. 

I mean seriously - what is one more element of blame for a woman who is already struggling to come to terms with the fact she seems unable to accomplish the most basic of functions for the woman's body!

The other aspect of the article, which really strikes a chord with me is this - if a fifth of women in our society are struggling / have struggled to conceive, how many women in our Churches are grappling with this reality? 

Braver Than You Believe...

This being the National (In)Fertility Awareness week has led to some interesting conversations and experiences for me. The latest one at lunch time today, involves someone who doesn't know about my situation, but has probably worked it out. I mean - it's not difficult to work out, is it. I'm married, in my late 30s and childless!

So this guy is one of an army of volunteers who comes into the office where I work in order to help us accomplish the daily work we need to carry out. He will often pray for the team and arrive at the office with a word or encouragement he believes God has laid on his heart for each member of staff. I'm not always sure about the words of prophecy he gives, but the encouragement he brings is nice. 

Today, when there was a quiet moment and the rest of my colleagues were in various parts of the building, he spoke to me and said that he wasn't sure how relevant this was, but he felt God saying to him that I "was pregnant, or was to become pregnant."

I'm not. 

As #1in6, endometriosis has made what should be easy, a flippin difficult path. 

And as hubby and I are having problems - like, serious problems - the path is lonely and not even close to being productive. 

So, it doesn't even look likely to be a "soon-time" thing.

I try not to allow my "heart to harden" when I hear people saying these kinds of prophecy over me, because it is very easy to do. I would like to be as light-hearted as I once was, to freely accept when people tell me this. But pain and the long, hard, slog of this path have led me to be cautious. 

It's not because I don't have faith. 

It's become a matter of self-preservation. 

At least it will give me something to speak to my counsellor about later, when I meet for prayer ministry. Depression has led me to that place where self-preservation and faith have to somehow work themselves out in some kind of weird, harmonious, balance as I tread this path deeper into the unknown. Infertility - the path without a clear, definable end in sight. well there is, I guess... menopause. But I am a long way from that point. So for now, I have to try and find my way as best I can. 

Such is the journey of sub-fertility, as a woman after God's own heart. 

And as two different friends have reminded me, in a card and a wall-plaque they bought separately for me:

Hope Deferred: Depression

One of the hardest things I find about this journey of infertility, is the depression.

It crept up on me.

I didn't even recognise it for what it was, I just kept plodding through life as best I could, till suddenly I couldn't plod any further.  

The understanding of depression, which is caused by our circumstances (as opposed to people who have a chemical imbalance which impacts every aspect of their life) is best described by the writer of Proverbs as:

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick" (13:12)

Depression which is as a result of infertility is most definitely the result of hope deferred. The hope for a baby. The hope for a family. The hope for a future family life. All those dreams of watching your children play, your daughter trying to walk in your shoes, the paintings on the fridge, the home-made cards and letters, and the joy you can share in days out, complete with the frustrations of the car journey. 

The dream which is so long in happening.
The dream which looks as though it will never happen.
The dream which has gripped your heart for so long, it's long bony fingers squeezing ever tighter, squeezing out hope, squeezing out the dream and slowly replacing it with the stone, cold dread that it will never be so. 

And so the heart becomes sick. 

Sickness of the heart. 
Sickness of the mind.
Leading to a sense of disconnect with the life that is happening around you as you wrestle with the desire which should have been so easy, so natural, but which has become so elusive. 

And so the grief of infertility swamps you. 
Grief overwhelms you. 
Depression takes hold of you. 
Till life takes on a different hue - a different tone. 
The vibrancy you once knew now has a subtle grey, dark overtone. 

Hope deferred.

The worst part is that there is no end in sight. 
No light at the end of the tunnel.
No sense of knowing when the "desire fulfilled" will become my "tree of life"
But holding on... believing... hoping... one day...


Father God, I praise You for upholding me on the darkest days, and holding my head up when I just want to hide away. I thank You for Your love and strength, and the promise You gave to never leave my side. I thank You because even though my heart grieves for what has not yet arrived, that I can trust You for my future life.

God Does Care....

There comes a point in every Christian woman's life when you realise you've being doing it alone for so long, you've actually been doing it alone.

Without God, I mean.

When circumstances: choices you made, choices made by other people, even the stuff we believe "God controls" which are beyond our comprehension, weighs heavily on our hearts, our minds, our basic understanding of life, I am convinced this can create a new kind of burn-out.

I have literally just finished watching a really cheesy 80's chick flick about Romy and Michelle's high school reunion. These two twenty-something women were so desperate for the old school "AGroup" to like them, they were prepared to hide who they really are, just to fit their perception of what the cool girls would see as "successful".

And yet, here I am, with my own idea of "success" so heavily damaged and on the precipice of never happening, that I have been trying to hide it from myself, and others, for so long, I have recently experienced emotional "crash and burn". Not because I was desperate for others to like me or anything.... But because the whole journey of infertility is not one I should be constantly "banging on about", I should just "deal with it" and carry on with whatever life God has set out for me. Oh this is the bit no one wants to talk about when we discuss the failure of the dream for children, for a family. The constantness of it. The fact that it never goes away. The fact that there are times it can still be so incredibly overwhelming, even after all this time. 

A couple of weekends ago it was the annual conference for work. On the last day, two women who are old enough to know better, made parting remarks to me like, "Hope it all goes well!" While smiling encouragingly, hand on their own bellies while looking across at mine. The curse of having problems like endometriosis and gluten intolerance creating a beautiful little balloon bump at the most inopportune moments, which falsifies the look you actually want and gives a very wrong impression!

That week, was the beginning of the crash. Not because of the things they said. No.... In a sad way within Church, this becomes the norm and one of the first things you learn to deal with. No, it was a culmination of the OTHER problems which rarely get discussed, including the toll infertility takes on your relationships. With yourself. With Hubby. With God.

And so now, two weeks later, while listening to Christy Nockles, I realise that I have been forced into carrying myself through this as a result of Hubby's withdrawal, and my subsequent withdrawal from God. By carrying myself, I actually mean dragging myself along the floor! 

Not only can infertility kill your dreams, it kills your sense of identity, your hope, your trust and faith in a God who genuinely cares, hears and has a future lined-up for you; and the relationship with a Hubby who has a son, and so can't relate to the pain of having no child of your own. And so the cycle spins round and round, loneliness, emptiness, broken dreams, broken promises, wondering what will be, wandering further away. 

And all this in secret!

No one must know! 

No one must see beyond the mask and appearance that we are doing ok, that we are trusting God, that our marriages are intact and our future is secure. 

The secret life we live in our heart and mind to which we stop inviting God to sit in with us, at least, we thought we had. There's only so much we can hide from God. There's only so much weight we can bear. There's only so much of a load we can carry in our own strength, until we break.

And then in His gentleness and mercy, He bends down His face to ours, wetting His cheek with our tears, scoops us up in His arms, and pours out His healing balm into the depths of our wounds, pouring His shalom into our anxious, troubled hearts, and lifts us out of the pit of despair, raising us up to stand once again in His strength, rather than our own, reminding us that we are not alone, He has never left us, and the battle is not ours to fight by ourselves. Even though it feels like it at times. Keep your eyes on Jesus.... He turns His face to yours, gazing into your pain and emptiness and will remain there with you for as long as it will take. He cares. He knows. He loves you. He is with you.

Step Into My World

Over the weekend, I spent some time with some friends I haven't seen for years, since I moved out of London, actually. It was really good to catch up with them, and we had plenty of time to really share what was happening in our lives, and what God was doing! You know, them late night chats over a glass of wine and a few bars of chocolate!!

At one point during the weekend, someone asked me, "How do you handle not being able to handle a baby? Is it a bit like, you know when you're single and you're longing to be married, and you're crying out to God to bring you a husband... that kind of thing?"

I loved this question! It meant my friends were genuinely trying to understand what it is like to live with infertility.

And so it opened up an opportunity to share with them the reality of what it's like.

It's not really like the "singleness issue", because when you're trying for a baby and not able to have one, your body is not behaving in the way it naturally should be as a woman, that it creates a huge empty ache within your heart which matches the emptiness of the arms which so want to hold a baby of your own. It's something which underpins every aspect of your life, challenging your very faith in God and in the plans He has for your life. Whenever you see a pregnant woman, a newborn, a family, even if they are close friends or family you love, it smacks you in the face with the reminder of what you don't have. Hanging out with friends can be incredibly lonely, especially if you are the only one who doesn't have children, because it is so natural for women to discuss their families and challenges of being a mother. No matter how much you try to not think about what your body is failing to do, every single month you are reminded of what you're failing at, because you are so aware of your body's cycle, you know when you might have caught it in any given month, and a quiet hope slowly builds within you each and every month that happens, thinking, hoping, praying, believing, trusting that THIS MONTH might be the one you have conceived... and as the day of your period draws closer, you become more stressed, more anxious, more watchful for any sign you might be pregnant, and when your period starts, your hope comes crashing to the floor, and you literally don't feel as though you can face that day, don't feel that you can face the next cycle, don't feel that you will ever have your own baby, that you begin to question whether God really does have a plan for your life, or if He has forgotten where you live - because it seems that even that girl down the road who isn't married and doesn't have a partner can manage to get pregnant. And yet, the cycle has already started again, and takes you on another roller-coaster journey, whether you are ready for the ride or not.

Then there are the emotions... The guilt that you can't give your husband what you both want, the guilt that you maybe don't have enough faith, the guilt that you're doubting God even cares about you or your future, the fear of the future, the fear of never having your own child, the fear that you'll die a lonely old woman without family, the anxiety, the stress, the heartache, the isolation, the emptiness, the frustration, the anger, the torment, the hurting, the longing, the deep overwhelming sadness, the grief at another egg wasted - another potential life that could have been a beautiful son or daughter, and with it the hope for the future... and soooo much more!

And the spiritual impact as a Christian woman who has been in the Church since the day I was born... how much this has affected my relationship with God, and the foundation I had built upon Him: About how you can read passages from the Bible and it hits you about what you are missing, that if God blesses people through children, why is He not blessing me, why does He bless someone who is preparing to abort their baby, but withholding the blessing from people like me who desperately want our own child, that maybe I have done something wrong, and this is His punishment, that if God blesses to the generations beyond... does that mean His plans and blessings for my family stops with me because there will be no generations to come??

And then there's the stuff people say!!! Oh those wonderful, well-meaning Christians who glibly proclaim to have all the answers... Just relax it'll happen, God will bring you a huuuuge family in one go when the time is right, God is building your character, you could adopt, at least you have your nephews close-by, at least you are a step-mum, you could get a pet, go on holiday together and let God make it happen in His timing...! And sooooo much more!!

So yes, I really did appreciate these friends actually stepping into my world, in an attempt to understand what it is like. And I hope that God opens the dialogue more and more for those of us walking the infertility journey, that more people will take the time to step onto the path with us, because there are times when it is so overwhelming, to know someone is silently walking beside you, supporting you, without pretending they have the answers, without being so super-spiritual they miss your pain, is a comfort.


Father God, Your word says, "When one part suffers, we all suffer" as well as "when one part rejoices, we all rejoice". I pray that we would take the time to really step into each others worlds, so that when someone you have placed in our life is suffering, we can walk alongside them, as well as allow others to walk alongside us. I pray that somehow, we would learn to be more authentic, and take the time to really understand what people are going through, instead of glibly giving them our understanding of their problem. In Jesus name.

Never Satisfied...

 There are three things that are never satisfied —
    No, four that never say,
          “Enough!”:
              
               the grave,
                      the barren womb,
                            the thirsty desert,
                                   the blazing fire.

Proverbs 30:15-16      

         

Women in the Bible who Didn't Conceive

Whenever I think about women in the Bible whose stories relate to ours, with the journey for a Baby, there always seems to be a happy ending to their stories. But no amount of faith or hoping can guarantee a happy ending to my story. And I'm not speaking out of faith here, I'm just being realistic!

So I asked God, "Lord, where are the story of women who would have wanted to become mothers, in the Bible, but who didn't?"

There are three women who came to mind, and I have decided to study their stories for this blog. 

Part of what I do in my "real life" is to teach from the Scriptures, so it would be only right to allow this aspect of my character and passion to flow through to what I am doing here in this blog, in order to remain true to myself. The purpose of this blog is to offer encouragement to anyone who is on a similar Journey for Bubba to mine. Although, at the end of the day our stories will all be different, and this may not actually interest you. But I needed to know if there really are women in the Bible who anyone can relate to - and I believe this is what God is showing through the lives of the three women He is highlighting.

As I read through each woman's story, I hope to be able to share my study with you.
But for now, here are the three women:  

Tamar (1 Samuel 13)
"So Tamar remained desolate in her brother Absalom’s house."

Jephthah's daughter (Judges 11)
"And it was so at the end of two months that she returned to her father, and he carried out his vow with her which he had vowed. She knew no man."

Anna (Luke 2)
"She was of a great age, and had lived with a husband seven years from her virginity; and this woman was a widow of about eighty-four years"

A (Very) Brief IVF Journey

At the beginning of the year, Hubby and I visited his Nan. We do quite regularly anyway, so it wasn't a special Christmas / New Year visit or anything. On this occasion though, she was really excited to see us and said she wanted to speak to us, but not in front of Hubby's son... She did anyway because the excitement was too much for her!

She'd been speaking to Hubby's uncle about what we are going through, and decided that "the worst thing I could ever imagine is to not have my children and grandchildren; so I want to pay for IVF for you both."

After putting the dream of having Bubba to the back of my mind for a while, this kinda knocked me for six! Surely this was a gift from God?? Wasn't it?? A new hope for a new year??!!

So, I arranged for Hubby and I to attend an open evening at our nearest CARE Clinic, as I thought this would give us an overview of what to expect, and would answer some of the questions I had. As I'd had such a bad reaction to Clomid, I had already decided I wanted to go for "Natural" IVF rather than the full-on drug induced IVF, but wanted to find out what exactly this would entail and whether it was the right thing for us. Hubby was his usual, "Whatever you decide, I'll support", which actually wasn't helping me, as it's such a huge step to take with someone else's money.

I struggled to comprehend what this could mean for us, and whether this was really what God was leading us into.

The day of the open evening arrived, and Hubby and I booked the full day off work, so we could spend some time together to talk about our hopes and whether this really was the way forward for us.

When we arrived at CARE, we were ushered into a "school room" which had been set-up for the presentation, with lots of other couples... I think there were about 20-25 couples in total, well not just couples, there were people there in three's looking for information about surrogacy, as well as a couple of gay pairings.

The consultant led us through her presentation, which focused on full IVF, which I knew would be the case. I did learn some interesting things which I'd not considered in the past - although this led to momentary panic rather than security of the situation!! Such as how there are immune aspects which can affect the implantation... It made me wonder about during the cycles when I had been sooo late, whether this had been a factor. Anyway... I have no way of knowing, so best to bury that one deep in my brain somewhere!

After the 40 minute presentation, there was an opportunity to ask questions. Now normally, I would shy away from such public arenas, preferring to vocalise my personal questions after, when I can speak to the lecturer in private. But on this occasion, I needed to know! So up went my hand and out came my questions about Natural IVF. She went through the process of what would be involved... BUT... She made a point of saying that she wouldn't necessarily be happy carrying out natural IVF on me. She went on to explain about how high the risks of failure were, because the clinic would have no control over when the egg would be ready to release from the ovaries. This means there would be a greater chance of missing the moment, so to speak, that when they tried to collect my one egg released in my natural cycle, that the egg might have already released, leaving nothing to collect. Add this to the normal risks of that egg not fertilising, or not implanting once it's put back in, and there we have an excruciating decision to make. It didn't help that I didn't actually feel as though I'd been properly heard when I spoke about what we wanted, feeling like we were another avenue to the more expensive revenue of full IVF. Maybe that's just my perception.

I had gone to the open evening hoping to have a clear sense of what our next step was, but instead I left with a huge sense of sadness, and feeling no peace whatsoever. As we made our way home, Hubby and I spoke. He wasn't comfortable with any of what he had heard, especially with the huge risks of failure involved - for my sake, because he isn't sure I could handle the disappointment of failure; and also for his Nan's sake, as it is her money being invested in something which may or may not work, even though she had told us she knows of the risks and doesn't mind losing the money to give us the chance to try.

Over the next few weeks, I prayed, I spoke to a couple of women I trust as I tried to work out what to do. Hubby was still saying he would support my decision, but I know God well enough to know that if this was really the right step for us, Hubby and I would be in agreement. And we would have a sense of peace about embarking on this path. We didn't.

In fact, one Sunday Morning, a couple of weeks before the open evening, I was part of the Worship Team when I had a clear phrase come to mind - right there on stage, right in the middle of worship: "I don't want another person involved in the making of Bubba". Whether this was my voice, or God's voice, I don't really know for certain, but I do believe that I have to put my trust in God and in Him alone for the making of Bubba. We are a three-stranded chord. We clearly don't need another person involved in the process. As hard as this decision was to make, I know that I hope, that I believe this is right for us.

So as suddenly as the opportunity had presented itself, it disappeared, slipping out of my fingers, out of my life, and out of my future. So endeth my (very) brief IVF journey.


Father God, help me to trust you. I don't know where else I can turn to for help - except to You, the Author and Creator of life itself.

Story Read in Daily Mail - Removing the Yeast

Following my last blog post about trying to maintain a pH balance in our bodies (read here), I was reading the Daily Mail a few weeks ago, and found a story which was really encouraging.

The story that featured that day, was of a couple who had been trying for a baby for about 5 years and had tried various things, including fertility drugs. In the course of investigations, the woman, Mrs Cummings, was diagnosed with PCOS. 

They were about to embark on IVF treatment, when Mrs Cummings decided to visit a nutritionist, so she could prepare her body through a healthier lifestyle.

The nutritionist advised that she cut out yeast from her diet, one of the side effects of yeast was menstrual problems, which had led to her not having a period for about 6 months. Obviously, not having a period in itself prevents pregnancy, on top of the PCOS issues!

So Mrs Cummings stopped eating potatoes, bread, toast, and eating mainly fresh fruit and vegetables. Not long after she had made these changes, Mrs Cummings had her first period in six months The next month, she was pregnant!

In her interview, Mrs Cummings says, "I didn’t really go to  the centre to get pregnant, just to stand me in good stead for IVF but thankfully we didn’t have to go down that route. It just shows what years of abuse – drinking too much and eating the wrong things – can do to your body."

I may have been sceptical, initially, about the impact certain types of food have on my fertility and in my Journey for Bubba, but if a fresher diet has helped another woman, maybe... just maybe... it will help me! I'm even considering removing yeast from my diet too... but I LOVE Marmite, and have just opened a jar with gold in it!! Can I make this extra sacrifice... bacon butties and marmite gold on toast??? I think in the case of wanting Bubba, I actually can!

Click here to read the full Daily Mail article.

The Essence of Herbs Continued

So I have been following this special diet prescribed by the Herbalist for a couple of months now. I know it takes around three months for nutrients and stuff to travel through the body to the developing egg, so I have no idea what impact this is having on my eggs... nor will I ever have any real idea of whether the anti-inflammatory purpose of this diet is actually reducing the inflammation in my Fallopian Tubes. Somehow, I'm not sure the NHS would fund a "I want to see if it's working" scan for me!

What I have noticed though, is that the two periods I have had since starting this have not been as bad as they were before... I mean, the pain is not as intense, the clots have been non-existent and the flow has not been as heavy! For me, this is a positive sign, and for these benefits alone, I can see the purpose in what I am doing, even if I have to avoid the bacon butties Hubby loves to make, or cook another veggie soup, or down that grass juice (bleugh!!) and even though I won't know if my Tubes are clearing. It's just been nice having a "normal" period!!

Abba's Arms

I'm glad that a time will come when we can run into the arms of our Heavenly Father. Because when that day arrives, I just want to run into His arms and cry out to Him, "Abba, why did it take so long? Why for some women does having a baby happen so quickly, so easily; but for others it takes so long and involves so much heartache and sorrow?"

I know that as He answers, He will wipe away my tears, heal the ache in my heart and remove the painful memory of each month's lost potential.  

The Lord Did It

I came across one of those verses which is quite challenging to read. It is one of those verses which literally makes you re-read it, to double-check you hadn't misread it.

1 Samuel 1:5 "...although the Lord had closed her womb."

What?? Wait??? The Lord did it???

It's an uncomfortable verse to read. When you're a Christian, we have this perception that our lives should be uncomplicated! So how am I supposed to deal with the reality of a verse like this one???

My desire is for Bubba... That desire is deep in my heart, where the Spirit of the Lord Himself resides. He knows my deepest longing to become Bubba's Mumma. And yet... He has closed my womb.

If we believe life is created at the say so of our Almighty Creator God, then this uncomfortable concept has to be accepted too. Why He chooses to close one woman's womb, or open another is known only to Him. Maybe it's about timing, like in the case of John the Baptist's Mum who had to wait until the time of Yeshua's time to be born...any earlier, any later and the 'Voice of one crying in the desert' would have been silent. Maybe it's about God demonstrating His great power and authority over a situation - where humanity fails, God steps in to do the impossible in our lives, according to the plan He has for you and me.

The worst thing to do would be to deny the Lord's hand on your life, even with this difficult idea of Him being the one who has closed your womb. That is why we know that there is a hope and a purpose in asking Him to open our womb and to grant to us the gift of our Bubba. We can go to the One who gives life and know that He is the ONLY One who can actually do something about it.

Don't lose heart, wherever your journey is taking you. God may have closed your womb for a time, but His delay is not a definite NO forever... It may be taking time, but He knows when the time is right for your Bubba... Who else knows the destiny in the seed you and your Hubby are carrying!!!

Grass Juice

It's about a month since I started the new herbal routine. The idea is that I cut out some of the acidic foods from my diet - which include some of my absolute favourite foods, like pork, including the ever so scrummy bacon sarnies and cherry tomatoes... gutted! In fact, the Sunday after I started the diet, Hubby had bought a joint of pork for dinner... Oh my days - the smell was sooo scrumptious, but I reminded myself of the reasons I was no longer eating pork.

The next day, I met a friend in a cafe, and seriously, I swear the cafe had bought a new room fragrance.. bacon butties! The smell was so strong, it travelled up my nose well before I stepped into the building!

And my Mum-in-Law grows her own fruit and veg... and she happened to have harvested a LOT of tomatoes... especially those juicy, sweet cherry tomatoes... Oh man!

But I made a decision to try to eat in such a way to reduce the inflammation in my body which is affecting my ability to conceive. OK, so there's no actual proof it will change anything, but I have to try. I can't sit around carrying on as I was, because only an idiot expects a change to occur where they do the same thing over and over. I may be many things, but an idiot I am not!

There are times when I end up eating one of the "forbidden" foods on my list, like last night when I went to get some toast and my wholemeal bread had gone mouldy - Hubby's white loaf was fine.

And then... there is the additional "grass juice" as Hubby calls it! Oh my days, the taste...! It's not exactly one to enjoy on a summer's evening!!! But I have to keep my eyes on the bigger picture. From the day of the HSG to the day of the operation, things had deteriorated inside my Tubes. In re-addressing the balance of food into my system, who knows if I can reverse the symptoms and, with the help of our Healer God, create an unblocked passage for my egg to meet with Hubby's little swimmers.

There won't be any scientific proof to suggest this would have happened - but I know that with God, nothing is impossible. Where man fails, He succeeds. Where there is no way, He will make a way possible.

So with this in mind... down the hatch with the grass juice!

The Essence of Herbs

I was talking to a friend of mine about the failed operation. She had walked this journey about 20 years ago, and went on to have three children, so I felt safe enough to talk to her about my frustration about what had happened. We were at a friend's hen-do (lunch on the river, thank you very much!!) so it was quite funny having this conversation and trying to not burst into tears!!

She told me about a place near where she lives which specialises in Herbal Treatment for various conditions, and where science has failed, maybe I should look at other options. Normally, this kind of thing would have sent me running in totally the opposite direction, but she explained that the family had been running their clinic for over a hundred years, and that there were members of the family who were Messianic Jewish Believers.

So, I checked out the website, and read about each of the consultants. It turns out that one of them has actually chosen to focus her training and research specifically in fertility issues. I thought I might as well go and speak to her, she maybe able to help me feel like I was taking some control of the situation.

I spoke to Hubby about it, but he wasn't so keen. He suggested I seek the Lord's will in this, and wait a month before going. So I made an appointment for four weeks after we had spoken, and asked the Lord to make it clear to me if I should not go. But didn't hear anything. Except Hubby's hesitation.

On the day of the appointment, I made my way to Leicester and arrived at the Clinic in good time. I checked in and took a seat in the waiting room. On the wall there was a map of the UK and a map of the world, and people had stuck pins in to represent where they had come from. The appeal of this small family-run Herbal Clinic was world-wide.

My consultant came to meet me from the waiting room, and led me into her consultation room. It looked just like a doctor's surgery room with the medical bed, a desk, scales etc... this actually made me relax a bit actually, it was a familiar environment.

She then asked all kinds of questions and I answered them, explaining about the tests I'd had, the clomid allergy, the failed operation, the endo... she went through everything about my lifestyle habits, my cycle, diet etc... Then she checked my glucose levels, my iron levels, and blood pressure. She then asked me to lie on the bed while she checked my abdomen (using techniques reminiscent of an old film, where the doctor taps his hands on the back of her hand over various parts of the abdomen!).

She said she thought that I may have endo with a hint of PCOS (looking at the huge acne outbreak on my face and chest, the spots reminded her of PCOS sufferers plus I'd told her about my Mother's PCOS issues). She suggested we try a diet which cuts out acidic foods, to try to help my body fight against the inflammation within my tubes. She listed some of my favourite foods which were acidic and which I should avoid... pork (no more bacon butties!!), strawberries, chocolate, white bread / pasta / rice etc... and said she would give me a mixture of liquid and tablets which would supplement this.

After an hour, I was led back to the waiting room, and waited for my prescription to be made up. When I asked what would be in it, she said she would need to work it out once I had finished my consultation, but if I really wanted to know, I could email her. I am yet to send her the email though - I kinda got the feeling that she would prefer to not give this information, in case I just get my own (cheaper) version!

After about 15 minutes, I was handed a big bottle of brown liquid, and a tube of pale brown tablets... oh, and a very very BIG bill... I was expecting it to be a fair amount, but the invoice was waaaay more than I had anticipated!

"That's OK" the reception replied breezily, "you can pay on a weekly basis!"
"But I only get paid monthly, so would be able to pay any more until next month... and probably the month after that!"
"That's OK, just pay what you can now, and then the rest as and when you can."

So now, I have a ban on chocolate, an unhappy Hubby, and no chance to buy any shoes for the next two months, till I pay off this bill...

"At least it's cheaper than IVF!" I explained to Hubby after telling him about the new debt...

But, I'm not sure I can keep this treatment up for long!

Prophetic Fuschia - A Word for Someone.

OK, so I don't claim to be a prophet, or anything like that, and this is the first time this has really happened in relation to this blog, but I really feel that the Lord has given me a word for someone reading this. Now bearing in mind i don't know who reads this, I think it's amazing that God has chosen to use me to encourage you. So here goes.

In my hanging baskets last year, I added a couple of fuschias to add some colour and height. They looked amazing and served the purpose for which I had bought them, last summer. I don't know much about plants, so when the hanging basket died down in the late autumn, I just assumed I would need to buy more annuals when the time came for it in the late spring. Not thinking anything more about the mass of dead branches, and withered leaves which clogged up the hanging baskets at the front of my house. I suppose if I was a bit more savvy, I'd have created some kind of winter display, instead of leaving the dead stuff!

Skip ahead six months, and it's time for me to work on this year's display, so off I trundle one Bank Holiday to the Garden Centre and invest in a range of plants, some annuals and some perennials (this grow back year after year, so I'm told!!). I bought a load of soily stuff and with the help of some helpful random bloke who was minding his own business, I manage to get everything into the back of my car, and home!

It was such a gorgeous day as I sat on the patio, clearing out the old baskets and replanting the new stuff into the new soil, and I chatted with the Lord while I worked. When I picked up the third basket, I started to tip the old dead stuff out, when suddenly I looked closer at what was inside. The fuschia, which I had assumed was dead, had a couple of bright green leaves sprouting on it. There was life, where I thought there was death.

Someone reading this has been thinking that their womb is dead, because it is not doing what it should be doing. I had thought the fuschia was dead because it looked dead in the basket - I had thought it wasn't doing what it should have been doing - even though I had left it outside throughout the cold, hard winter we have just had.

You may have experienced a cold, hard "winter" in relation to your desire to start a family, and you may not have thought your womb was able to produce life, having only experienced death, but God is telling you that where you thought death was, He will bring life. Your womb is not dead. It will sprout new growth. Your womb will bring forth the life for which God created it. don't "throw it away".


Father God, I pray You will lead the right person / people to read this post who You have spoken this word over. And I pray that you will cause life to spring up in the womb which has been considered, or pronounced as being "dead". I pray for those wives of Husbands who are affected by fertility issues, that they too would experience life in that which has been thought of as being dead. Lord Jesus, I pray You would breathe life into couples whose hope is in You. In Jesus' name.

Hubby's Question

We were driving home after dropping my Gorgeous Stepson at home and Hubby repeated a question he'd asked me after my last bout of tears.

"Would you consider adoption as an option if things don't work out?"

He didn't mean anything by it other than gauging where I'm at. The first time, I'd managed to ignore his question and bury my head in the sand because I really wasn't ready to vocalise my thoughts. But in a car.... There's no sand!

I was honest with him and shared the thoughts I'd already had charging around my mind. "I'm not sure I'm at that right place to be honest. What if we do adopt and then they turn around and yell at me, 'you're not my mum'? What if I can't bond with the child because there's not that natural bond between us? What if the child is so different from you and me they don't like us and leave us as soon as they can? I'm not sure I could handle anything like that. And adopting a child isn't the same as us having our own."

I know there are couples who do adopt and I know there are so many orphans desperate to be adopted, but for me the desire to be Bubba's Mamma is not so much about having a baby to raise, its about Hubby and I becoming parents of our own child. Not to have a designer 'pick your own child', but to be blessed by God in our marriage.

Maybe this is too simplistic a view. But this is the reality of where I'm at right now. Hubby asked, "so that option is off the table then?" and I told him things may change in the future, so it's not a permanent removal. Who knows what direction the Lord will take us on on this Journey for Bubba.

Father God I pray for all the orphans who have been adopted by parents who struggled to conceive. Lord I pray You would bless their relationships and cause the love to flow between patent r and child. Give Your wisdom to them Lord. I pray also for those orphans who are waiting to be adopted - be a Father to them, wrap them in Your love, protect them and lead them on the path You created them to walk upon. In Jesus name I pray.

The Picnic And The Postman's Present

There is a saying which I have heard which goes something like, "If you've never had it, you can't miss it." I have to say that after the Bank Holiday weekend, I completely disagree with this... when it comes to children and families, you really can miss what you don't have!

Hubby's Best Man came to stay for the weekend and brought his two children up, at the same time that we had my Gorgeous Stepson to stay for the weekend. I loved having a busy household, and loved having the house full of giggling children, especially the little pink shadow who I acquired from the time of their arrival to their departure! It's was absolutely gorgeous having a four year old girl paint my toenails, and want me to put make-up on her and stuff... a lovely lovely experience!!

Before the arrival of our guests, I went shopping to stock up on food, and had to really reign myself in... there are so many "child-friendly" products. and so many foods aimed at little boys, and others aimed at little girls... even yoghurts with Princesses and Cars on them...! I could easily have bought everything!!! I did decide to buy a sparkly bubble bath for the little girl as everything we have is geared toward my Gorgeous Stepson! Oh... and a "little pony" with plaited hair... not to mention the football cards and magazine... and the Moshi Monsters magazine with trump cards!!! OK... I did go a little overboard, with the colouring pencils... and the dot-to-dot book.. but when do I have any little girls in the house!

The day after they arrived, we all took a picnic and went out for the day. It was such a blessing to have the two boys playing together and the little girl joining in when she could. eating our picnic among the other families which had gathered in the popular picnic spot, such a perfect day. Then the two dads took the three children to a play area a little way away from where our picnic blankets and hamper were laid out. And I was left to hold the fort.

I looked around me, watching the mum playing with her little boy. Watching the new parents with their tiny baby. Listened to the family behind me playing frisbee, observed the three generations of a family laughing and generally people-watching.

And suddenly, I felt alone.
I really felt like I was missing something.
Really wished I had my own family... my own real family.
To hear a little voice calling me "mummy" instead of by my first name.
To have my own child enjoying the child-friendly goodies I had bought for our picnic.

In that moment, in the sunshine, surrounded by so many families of varying sizes, I really understood in a huge way what I was missing - even though I have never had it.

When we arrived home, the post had arrived. There was a letter for me from the hospital. They were now ready to call me in for the Operation to unblock my tubes, and could I kindly call the number below to discuss the date and time they had scheduled me in for, but if I no longer needed the procedure could I call a different number. Sadly, at this stage, I do still need it.

Hubby was absolutely brilliant, he grasped the enormity of what the weekend had hit me with, and held me close as the tears exploded from the depth of my spirit when we were alone together.


Father God, I thank You, from the depth of my heart, for allowing me the opportunity to be around these three children... even when the little girl tried to follow me into the toilet! Lord, I pray You would really bless our friends, as they make plans for a new life in a new country together, and that You would help their two children to adjust easily, to settle quickly and to make new friends for life. Lord, I ask You would be with my gorgeous Stepson, and I pray that You would allow him to know You for himself, especially in light of the conversation we'd had around the dining table at dinner time. I pray Lord Jesus that You would become His best friend - he already says he believes in You - may he really know You, in spite of the way he is being brought up. 

And Father God, I pray that when the time is right - and help me to be patient before then - You would bring  me my own child. Mine and Hubby's offspring. A gift from You to us. That the four of us would be able to go on our own family picnics, joining the throng of other families with the sound of our laughter and joy. In Jesus name.

Guest Post - When The Doctor Said "No"... God Said "Yes"!

I was recently at a women's event in my local Church where a friend of mine had been asked to share her testimony. As I listened, encouraged by what the Lord had done for her and her Hubby, I knew I had to ask her if she would share her story. So here is a Guest Post from my friend Pam:

My husband and I had a very big year in 2004. It was one of those years where quite a few life changing events took place and it didn't stop until….. well, it hasn't stopped yet! The catalyst year though was definitely 2004. We were married in April 2004, but then had to say goodbye to three close family members. My gran and also my great-aunt, along with my mother-in-law all passed away within a few weeks of each other. My mother-in-law left the biggest hole in our lives. Her name was Mary and she was an amazing prayer warrior – always interceding for us and always so full of love for everyone. I tolerated the “Christian” aspect of her life because, unlike so many other Christians I had met, Mary’s faith was helping people around her.

At this point I think it would be useful for you to know where I was in my walk with Jesus – I hadn't even put my sandals on! No, at this point in my life I was still a proud atheist who didn't need the crutch of religion to help me deal with life. I was a strong, independent person who took control of her destiny and I had stopped believing in things like the Easter bunny and Santa when I was a child. My thoughts towards anyone who believed in a higher power were not complimentary and (in short) I felt that they should all stop messing about and get on with life in the REAL world. My husband was (and still is) a Christian, but he had wandered away slightly. He was still aware of Jesus and the love of God, but chose to ignore them. It was just before his mum died that he made the decision to go back to Church and live again for Jesus, but that is a testimony for another day – back now to other interesting things that happened in 2004!

This was also the year we decided to start trying for a baby. We started in January of 2004 (thinking that as we were getting married in April anyway that it was OK! ). By November I still wasn't pregnant, so I went to my doctor for some routine checks. I think now is probably a good time to tell you about my health in general. My health in general was good, especially now that I had quit smoking, however – despite losing around five stone for the wedding, I was still around 28 stone. Yep – 28 stone and wondering why I wasn't pregnant yet (d’oh!). Despite my weight, the doctor was amazing and checked everything rather than simply dismissing my lack of babies to my size. She asked me lots of questions, gave me a smear and a quick internal exam and even offered to refer me to a dietitian (which I declined because I wasn't fat!).

About a week later, the doctor called me at home and told me that my smear test had come back as abnormal and I would need to see someone at the hospital for a colposcopy (This is a procedure to examine an illuminated, magnified view of the cervix and the tissues of the vagina and vulva, using a machine which magnifies the area to be examined in a similar way to a pair of binoculars on a pole!). I had no idea what was going on. I felt frightened and had to wait over Christmas before my appointment at the hospital in January 2005. 

When January came around, I was completely unprepared. I thought colposcopies were simply a longer smear test. No-one said there might be cutting. I managed to hold it together while I was in the hospital, but as soon as I saw my husband, I broke down. I knew the doctors were doing what they needed to do and I trusted them completely. They explained that because of what they could see, they would need to do a biopsy. The nurse was comforting and compassionate – everything in that room was done with the upmost care and consideration, yet I still felt I had been violated. I took a few days off work and just sat in front of the telly. I didn't really talk to anyone for those few days but gradually I came out of it and went back to work. 

On 14th February 2005, I was diagnosed with 2a2 cervical cancer. This means that the cancer is over 4cm and is trying to spread. The consultant said he needed to remove the cancer with surgery then he would formulate a plan of treatment. The rest of the year consisted of surgery, recuperation, more surgery and recuperation and plenty of waiting. During my birthday and our first wedding anniversary I was recovering from surgery and my poor husband would have had
more fun in the bedroom if he’d had stayed single! Then in July 2005, my consultant called me at work and said he needed to see me ASAP. My boss overheard the conversation and insisted she come with me. I was so glad that she did. At the time I thought it was probably my consultant being overprotective, but at least my boss would know I wasn't lying about having cancer and needing lots of time off! 

My consultant said that my latest blood results were through and the result of an MRI scan. He said that they had found tumours in my blood and the MRI showed my lymph nodes in my groin were enlarged. These things together meant they had not been successful in removing the cancer before it spread; I would need to have the lymph nodes removed from my groin; I would need chemotherapy and possibly radiotherapy; my chances of survival were not good.
My consultant booked surgery for me to take place in August 2005 – my husband and his Church started praying.

After the surgery my consultant was astounded. The surgery, although difficult, was a success; He had held the inflamed lymph nodes in his hand and saw how swollen they were – yet, results had come back to say that there was no cancer in ANY of the nodes. They checked my bloods again and the tumours had gone! I had been spared! Saved by the hand of God, but it still wasn't enough to make me believe.

During 2005, when my husband was going to Church and re-kindling his relationship with Abba, something was changing in him. Something good, and I started to ask questions about my husband’s faith and who God was to him. This change also prompted me to read lots of books while I was recovering from surgery. I chose books about God and religion (for and against) but the best book I read was “Word on the Street” (A paraphrased Bible, written by a man with terminal cancer). For the first time ever, I had read the Bible and not felt immediately bored, lost and confused! I could read this book like, well, a book! And my favourite book inside my favourite Book was Job. Yes – Job. It is still my favourite book of the Bible today, but back then it was because I identified with the suffering and the isolation of Job. I started to study Job and his actions. I looked at the council he was receiving from his friends and his wife. I started to think about how much I loved my own husband and how much pain would my husband have to be in for me to want him to die? And then I began to think about Job’s refusal to curse God. I came to the conclusion that Job must have had a REAL encounter with God in his life. That “God” for Job was something more than a story. Real enough for him to endure suffering and choose God over his wife.

The removal of my lymph nodes in August 2005 was to be my last cancer surgery, so I asked my consultant if I could start trying for a baby again. The news he gave me was awful. My consultant said that due to my size, I would find it very difficult to conceive, but not only that, the cancer was so big that what was left of my cervix would not be enough to support a baby. If I did manage to get pregnant, I would miscarry.

We needed a holiday. So in April 2006, my husband and I went on a second honeymoon to the Maldieves – bliss! We had talked about the baby situation and decided that we would keep trying for a baby, but neither of us really held out much hope. Plus, my periods since surgery had become so painful I often ended up in hospital on morphine! I really wanted to go on the pill and stop my periods so, two months was the time-frame. If I wasn't pregnant by then, we would stop trying.

The holiday was amazing, but I couldn't get Job and God out of my head; so one night, when Hubby was asleep, I prayed. In my head I said this “God – I have read everything for and against you, I have seen the change in my husband’s life and I am in no doubt that if you are real, you are a loving God. That is my issue though. IF YOU ARE REAL. No-one can prove or dis-prove your existence. If I am going to live for You, I need to know You are real. So I am going to stop doing something that I know you don’t like and in return You are going to prove to me You are real. Amen”. I am laughing my head off writing this! It’s a good job God can see our hearts – I'm not sure I would get away with a prayer like that now! 

God is a loving and generous God – the perfect Father. We are not exactly sure if our baby was conceived on that night or the following night but it was by the grace and generosity of God that our baby was made.

Obviously I didn't know I was pregnant at that point – I found out a couple of months later. Because of my size, my periods were not regular and I felt that it would be better for me to start the contraceptive pill after I had one final, natural, extremely painful period. So, two months passed – and still no visit from Aunt Flo, hmmm. My first thought was “Oh-no, the cancer is back.” So I made myself an appointment with the doctor and as per procedure, I do a pregnancy test (because when doctors are fiddling in that area, they like to know you are not pregnant and unless you tell them you took a test yourself and you know you are not pregnant, they will make you wee in a jar and test you themselves!) but the result is unfamiliar to me. There should be one line, not two. I don’t know what two lines mean and I think I may have stuffed up the test, so I do another one. Two lines again. I call my Hubby and ask him to bring the instructions in from the bedroom while I do wee-wees on yet another test. My Hubby is now in the bathroom with me, reading the instructions out loud while I am peeing on a fourth test. “Two lines means you are pregnant” he said. We both looked at each other, my husband with overwhelming joy in his eyes while I must have looked like a rabbit caught in headlights! Such joyous news – we had managed to get pregnant, but my thoughts went immediately to the words spoken over me by my consultant, “Your cervix is too small and too weak to support a pregnancy. You will miscarry”.

As soon as my consultant found out I was pregnant, he arranged weekly scans on my cervix and sure enough, as my healthy baby grew, my cervix began to open and it looked as though I was going to miscarry. At this point I was still not a Christian, but my husband’s faith and re-commitment was flourishing. He had the whole church praying for this baby and my salvation! At exactly 11 weeks pregnant, my consultant saw “funnelling” on my cervical scan (an indication that the cervix was opening). He told me of a procedure he could do called a cerclage which would basically mean he would wrap a stitch around my cervix to ensure it stayed closed. It would mean having a general anesthetic and potentially a c-section to deliver the baby. There was also another complication – the pregnancy has to be a minimum of 12 weeks before the cerclage can be done. I was only 11 weeks. 

My consultant booked the surgery for the following week and ordered me to stay in bed until I needed to come to hospital for the procedure.

It was one of the longest weeks of my life, knowing that my baby could potentially fall out at any moment. But God is good! The baby stayed in long enough for me to have the surgery.

I was completely unaware of the intercession  happening behind the scenes, because although my husband told me that he and the Church were praying, I was still in the mind set of “I bet they are only saying that to be nice. No-one likes me really because I’m not even a Christian”.

I was around five months pregnant when God reminded me of my promise to Him in the Maldives. The promise where I said He had to prove He existed in order for me to be comfortable following Him! So I held up my end of the bargain and gave my life to Him. As soon as I said the prayer I was on fire for His Word! I couldn't get enough of it. I wasn't working, so all I did all day was read and chat with God! He grew me so much in those first two months because He needed me to be strong in Him for what was about to come.

On the 11th Dec 2006, I awoke with a pain in my back. It was around the time I would normally get up anyway, so I asked my Hubby if he would mind rubbing my back a little as we lay in bed. His warm hands soon eased the pain and he asked me if I was OK?  The pain was similar to the type of pain you would get on your period only intensified. I re-assured him that now the pain had gone I felt fine and we got up as usual. My Hubby soon left for work and I was in the flat alone. Normally I would get on with the housework, watch some telly and generally enjoy being pregnant, but today something was different. I was getting some strong Braxton Hicks (a normal part of pregnancy where muscles contract in preparation for labour) and I was really fidgety. I couldn't sit still and I couldn't seem to get comfy. I decided I had too much energy and needed to go for a walk! When I got back the Braxton Hicks were worse than ever and I still couldn't get comfy. It was at this point (around 1:30pm) when I decided to call the hospital and have a little chat, you know, get some advice etc. When I explained to the midwife what I was experiencing, she said to me “have you had a show?”

I said “no, I am only 34 and a bit weeks pregnant and I have a cerclage, so I won’t have a show and my waters probably won’t break either.”

To which the midwife calmly replied, “how soon can you come in?”

“I can’t come in right now as my husband has taken the car to work and I’m not getting on the bus, so I’ll be there around 6pm-ish. And I can’t stay long because I have to be at my father-in-law’s home for dinner this evening.” Was my response.

In the same lovely calming voice the midwife said, “you come in whenever you’re ready Mrs Gibson. We’ll be ready for you.”

I hung up, annoyed that the midwives seem to want you to come in for every little thing. All I wanted was a bit of advice! Hubby arrived home at 5:30pm to find me on the bed doing some interesting breathing to help me through the pain of the Braxton Hicks. I told him that the midwife at the hospital had asked me to come in, but we didn't have to go if it would mean upsetting his dad. My husband’s reply was, “you’re going to the hospital and I think we should take the overnight bag.”

Once at the hospital we were swiftly escorted to the Labour Ward, where I was hooked up to monitors and separated from my trousers and pants. I started my controlled breathing again as yet another Braxton Hicks appeared. The midwife watching the monitors said “Can you feel that?”

“Yes,” I replied “It feels like a period cramp – the breathing keeps the pain away.”

The midwife left the room and immediately came back with a doctor. Now I was getting annoyed. “Is this going to take much longer?” I said to the doctor, “ I've got dinner plans this evening”

The doctor looked at me and said “Mrs Gibson, you are in labour…”

“No I’m not!” I interrupted “It’s too soon for the baby to come and besides, this is just Braxton Hicks, it’s not enough pain for it to be labour!”

The doctor looked like he’d seen my type before, so he knew exactly how to deal with me.
“Mrs Gibson, cancel your dinner plans. You are not leaving this bed for at least 48 hours. You are in labour and yes it is too soon. We are now going to give you drugs to help slow the contractions and we are going to give your baby some steroids to help the lungs develop in time for delivery.”

I shut up after that. Hubby was on the mobile to the prayer chain and our family to let them know what was happening. I just watched in silence as people rushed about the room sticking things in my arms and my tummy. I didn't know it at the time, but I realise now that God simply took me to one side for a moment and allowed the situation to wash over me. I heard the doctor say that they wouldn't cut the stitch until baby had the full dose of steroids, to give it the best possible chance of survival. Survival? Really? Didn't they know that God was here? Didn't they know that everything was going to be alright? God’s peace was upon me and I knew everything would be OK.

God’s best move in that room was when it was time to cut the stitch  I had three doctors, three nurses and my Hubby pinning me down while a 4th doctor came at my nether regions with scissors. I remember trying to keep calm and still, but it was impossible. I had this overwhelming urge to fight and my best efforts were not enough to contain it. I called out to Abba and my flesh became calmer. I could still hear myself screaming, but I wasn't fighting anymore. I could hear my Hubby talking to me, but I couldn't hear what he was saying. I felt him stroke my hair and I saw him crying. God lifted something of me out of that situation, so I could take in what was happening, but also not feel like I was part of it. Throughout the whole experience I could hear myself screaming, but I don’t know why I was screaming because I felt very calm. To this day I still feel total peace when I think of this moment. Thank You Abba.

On the 15th December 2006 at 11:45pm, my baby boy – Toby James Gibson – was delivered by emergency c-section. He spent three long weeks in special care (which I believe was the time God was preparing me for) and we finally took him home on 3rd January 2007, two whole weeks before his actual due date.

I had never been so happy! I loved being pregnant, I loved the birth and hospital and having my son finally at home, but I couldn't help thinking “If only I’d have been a Christian sooner….” I could have prayed into everything and evangelised to the people in the hospital and they would be able to see God with their own eyes, as I had done. So my next “deal” with God was,
“If you let me have another, I’ll do it right this time!”

Within eight months of giving birth to Toby, I was pregnant again and this time I was going to do it right! As soon as I found out I was pregnant I declared anything I could think of over my child, the main items being that there would be no cerclage, I would have a natural birth and the pregnancy would last exactly 40 weeks!

Just as with Toby’s pregnancy, I was given a scan every week to check my cervix and every so often I would be told that they could see funnelling and I would need a cerclage. Whenever this happened I would go home, pray and stand firm on the declarations I had made over my unborn child. 

I also said to God that if the doctors said I needed something, I would do as the doctors asked. There was no way I was going to be “experimental” with my child’s life, so if the doctors said I needed a cerclage, I would have one. If God knew I didn't need a cerclage, then He would have to change the doctor’s mind in order not to have the cerclage. And that is exactly what God did – every time! On one occasion I even turned up with my overnight bag, expecting to have the surgery, only to find the doctors had changed their mind again, and all of a sudden I no longer needed a cerclage! How awesome is God? That He sees our hearts in such detail and cares for us in such an individual way. God saw my faith and moved the opinions of stubborn doctors (which in many ways is much harder to move than a mountain!)

My baby was born on her due date – exactly 40 weeks! 1st May 2008 at 10:45am – Zoey Ann Gibson – came into the world! It was amazing, but one of my declarations fell flat. I declared that I would have a natural birth this time, but Zoey was also c-section. God had been so amazing and I had seen Him move so many times in this pregnancy – why was the answer to this prayer “No”.

My husband was holding Zoey in his arms and the surgeon was about to close my tummy when he asked for the nurse to call my consultant and have them report directly to the operating theatre. My heart sank. My first thought was that they had found more tumours. I looked at my husband and he stroked my head. Then my consultant came in, holding the surgical mask over her face she peered into my yawning tummy. “I know why your periods are so painful now,” she said, “Your cervix has attached itself to your uterus. You would never have had a natural birth and I am not entirely sure how you managed to get pregnant in the first place!” The consultant went on to explain that this type of thing is not uncommon when surgery has taken place on the cervix and it would have happened when the cancer was first removed in 2005.
It suddenly became clear why God said “No!” to a natural birth. He wanted me to understand how much of a miracle these children really are! That only God could have made me pregnant! Twice! And in quick succession!

There were many more things that happened during these pregnancies and births – all conquered by prayer, persistence and faith in the promises of God. He is in control – He knows the beginning from the end – He also knows not only the perfect time for us to carry a child, but also the perfect time that He wants the child to be born. While we may feel spiritually, physically, emotionally, financially etc. ready to have a child, the time/place that is the most beneficial environment for the child to grow in (and to best reflect the glory of God), may be further down the road. While you await the arrival of your promise, the enemy will try and deceive you, he will try to make you hand over the promises God had given you. Stand firm! At every attempt – stand on your individual promise, given to you by God Himself. Claim that promise! Shout the truth loud and clear!

You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you, Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you.

2 Chronicles 20:17