So this guy is one of an army of volunteers who comes into the office where I work in order to help us accomplish the daily work we need to carry out. He will often pray for the team and arrive at the office with a word or encouragement he believes God has laid on his heart for each member of staff. I'm not always sure about the words of prophecy he gives, but the encouragement he brings is nice.
Today, when there was a quiet moment and the rest of my colleagues were in various parts of the building, he spoke to me and said that he wasn't sure how relevant this was, but he felt God saying to him that I "was pregnant, or was to become pregnant."
I'm not.
As #1in6, endometriosis has made what should be easy, a flippin difficult path.
And as hubby and I are having problems - like, serious problems - the path is lonely and not even close to being productive.
So, it doesn't even look likely to be a "soon-time" thing.
I try not to allow my "heart to harden" when I hear people saying these kinds of prophecy over me, because it is very easy to do. I would like to be as light-hearted as I once was, to freely accept when people tell me this. But pain and the long, hard, slog of this path have led me to be cautious.
It's not because I don't have faith.
It's become a matter of self-preservation.
At least it will give me something to speak to my counsellor about later, when I meet for prayer ministry. Depression has led me to that place where self-preservation and faith have to somehow work themselves out in some kind of weird, harmonious, balance as I tread this path deeper into the unknown. Infertility - the path without a clear, definable end in sight. well there is, I guess... menopause. But I am a long way from that point. So for now, I have to try and find my way as best I can.
Such is the journey of sub-fertility, as a woman after God's own heart.
And as two different friends have reminded me, in a card and a wall-plaque they bought separately for me:
1 comment:
Steph, I think that's one of the most painful things I've ever read. I wished that well meaning people would think and pray seriously before delivering such a profound "message from God". The same sort of thing happened to me a few times during my 'waiting' years and brought back the dark gut wrenching sickness I thought had gone. Thank you for making yourself vulnerable and writing so honestly about all this pain.
I'd like to think your 'messenger' somehow get's to read it too!
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