God Does Care....

There comes a point in every Christian woman's life when you realise you've being doing it alone for so long, you've actually been doing it alone.

Without God, I mean.

When circumstances: choices you made, choices made by other people, even the stuff we believe "God controls" which are beyond our comprehension, weighs heavily on our hearts, our minds, our basic understanding of life, I am convinced this can create a new kind of burn-out.

I have literally just finished watching a really cheesy 80's chick flick about Romy and Michelle's high school reunion. These two twenty-something women were so desperate for the old school "AGroup" to like them, they were prepared to hide who they really are, just to fit their perception of what the cool girls would see as "successful".

And yet, here I am, with my own idea of "success" so heavily damaged and on the precipice of never happening, that I have been trying to hide it from myself, and others, for so long, I have recently experienced emotional "crash and burn". Not because I was desperate for others to like me or anything.... But because the whole journey of infertility is not one I should be constantly "banging on about", I should just "deal with it" and carry on with whatever life God has set out for me. Oh this is the bit no one wants to talk about when we discuss the failure of the dream for children, for a family. The constantness of it. The fact that it never goes away. The fact that there are times it can still be so incredibly overwhelming, even after all this time. 

A couple of weekends ago it was the annual conference for work. On the last day, two women who are old enough to know better, made parting remarks to me like, "Hope it all goes well!" While smiling encouragingly, hand on their own bellies while looking across at mine. The curse of having problems like endometriosis and gluten intolerance creating a beautiful little balloon bump at the most inopportune moments, which falsifies the look you actually want and gives a very wrong impression!

That week, was the beginning of the crash. Not because of the things they said. No.... In a sad way within Church, this becomes the norm and one of the first things you learn to deal with. No, it was a culmination of the OTHER problems which rarely get discussed, including the toll infertility takes on your relationships. With yourself. With Hubby. With God.

And so now, two weeks later, while listening to Christy Nockles, I realise that I have been forced into carrying myself through this as a result of Hubby's withdrawal, and my subsequent withdrawal from God. By carrying myself, I actually mean dragging myself along the floor! 

Not only can infertility kill your dreams, it kills your sense of identity, your hope, your trust and faith in a God who genuinely cares, hears and has a future lined-up for you; and the relationship with a Hubby who has a son, and so can't relate to the pain of having no child of your own. And so the cycle spins round and round, loneliness, emptiness, broken dreams, broken promises, wondering what will be, wandering further away. 

And all this in secret!

No one must know! 

No one must see beyond the mask and appearance that we are doing ok, that we are trusting God, that our marriages are intact and our future is secure. 

The secret life we live in our heart and mind to which we stop inviting God to sit in with us, at least, we thought we had. There's only so much we can hide from God. There's only so much weight we can bear. There's only so much of a load we can carry in our own strength, until we break.

And then in His gentleness and mercy, He bends down His face to ours, wetting His cheek with our tears, scoops us up in His arms, and pours out His healing balm into the depths of our wounds, pouring His shalom into our anxious, troubled hearts, and lifts us out of the pit of despair, raising us up to stand once again in His strength, rather than our own, reminding us that we are not alone, He has never left us, and the battle is not ours to fight by ourselves. Even though it feels like it at times. Keep your eyes on Jesus.... He turns His face to yours, gazing into your pain and emptiness and will remain there with you for as long as it will take. He cares. He knows. He loves you. He is with you.

Reflections from the Woman To Woman Conference, 2014

Over the weekend, I attended the Woman to Woman conference in London, organised by the presenter of the Premier Radio show of the same name, Maria. The conference was themed "All Things are Possible" from Matthew 19:26, and the popularity of the conference, as well as the incredible faith demonstrated by Maria, is that the venue, Westminster Central Hall was fully booked and they booked a second venue to run the SAME conference at the SAME time, with the SAME theme and the SAME speakers!!! I was in the overflow venue, and there was such a sweet fragrance of Jesus, that we did not feel like we were any less a part of the day, than had we booked earlier to get into the main venue! And as a smaller venue, there may have been more of a sense of intimacy.

One of the main points which I received from the day was the fact that we are all going through STUFF! I think the reason the event was fully booked is because every one of us is desperate to see God move in our lives, and to really see #allthingsarepossible! We all face situations which are not easy, and when we struggle to see God in the middle of it all, and I know this from my own Journey for Bubba (as well as other stuff that's been going on recently) it can be difficult to actually see God at work in our lives. One of the speakers, Danielle Strickland, had a bit of catchphrase in her talk, in relation to "All things are possible"... "What? In real life, God?" When you are struggling to deal with life on a daily basis, it can be hard to believe, "ALL THINGS" are possible.

As those of us walking through our own Journey of infertility are all too aware!

An important revelation moment came through the personal story of Katharine Welby-Roberts (daughter of the current Archbishop of Canterbury), who spoke about her very real, very present, very difficult journey with God and the depression she suffers from (you can read what she said here). The impact her testimony had was so powerful she received a spontaneous standing ovation when she finished. It wasn't so much about what she said (although she gave us some brilliant pearls of wisdom in her honesty about her journey!) as much as it was about her vulnerability and openness: The reality that actually, life is flipping difficult, it isn't fair, and it does cause us to question God and our faith in Him, "how do we reconcile belief with the world in which we live?". It's the sense that in spite of living with the types of illnesses the Church finds difficult to deal with, God accepts us and loves us - the Bible is filled with accounts of people who struggled with depression, even down to those who had suicidal thoughts! So that is why Katharine can say firmly, "When I am in my blackest and darkest place, I can find a sense of peace... God is sitting in the darkness with me."

I know there are people in the Church who struggle with the same thing I do, and yes.... there are times when we do feel depressed because of the infertility. Too many of us in the Church are fixing a mask each week, and pretending we're OK, when actually there are times we feel so distant from what is happening around us, it's like we're trapped in a huge, lonely void of isolation, hopelessness and despair...pushing our faith in God, and our experience of His love, to the very limit!

Jesus Himself said, "I didn't come for those who are whole, but for the sick"... How come then, the Church is full of sick people walking around hiding their reality and pretending we are whole. When did the Church become so fixated on "being fixed" that we forgot to let God know we need His healing and restoration in our lives? When did we hold back from allowing God to fix us, in pretending everything is OK? When did we inadvertently start to condemn those who are struggling for not having enough faith?? What message are we giving the hurting around us, if we walk around like nothing is wrong - ever? Why is it that some of the big issues people are dealing with, like depression, like infertility, are stuff the Bible talks about... but Church shies away from?? Why do we accept the Bible "greats" like, Hannah, David, Sarah, Elijah, but seem to shun the people around us who are exactly like them, with the same issues?

In asking these questions, I'm also aware that I too add to this, by hiding from people who know me the deepest issues of my heart which affect my daily walk with God. There are many people I know, who have no idea about my struggle to conceive. I have never posted anything from this blog on my Facebook page... because it worries me how some people will respond, because I don't want some people to know "this" about me, because there's a sense of pride that I should be OK, that because I'm a child of God I shouldn't have any problems, that God will make a way where there seems to be no way so if I speak out against that I am doubting him, because there is a sense of being judged by others, because the Church is better at condemning than we are at demonstrating graciousness! 

But in holding back, am I actually stopping God from using my story, and my very real struggle; to witness to another woman (or man) who is struggling to hold it all together in their own Journey through infertility? Sure... there has to be a level of wisdom... But in taking off the mask, and being real, open and vulnerable... would we make space for God to comfort us through others, and use us to comfort people in the same situations... The Bible says, when one part suffers, we all suffer.... But how can we walk alongside someone in their darkness, or allow someone to walk alongside us through ours, if we're all walking around hiding the deep scars, struggles, and soul-cries?!!?

The question then becomes,  who's going to make the first move and how do they do it???
Father God, I believe You are trying to strip away our pride and cause us to lay our souls bare, so that we can be a clear witness about the work You are doing in our lives EACH DAY! I believe You want people to be more authentic in how we relate to You, and in how we relate to each other. I pray You would give me the courage to be real about what I'm going through when You need me to be, in the hope that You will provide someone the comfort they need through their own struggle - whatever they are walking with. And when I am vulnerable, I pray You would protect me from the harm. In Jesus name.

You'll Never Walk Alone

After hiding from Church and people on Sunday morning (see previous post for explanation), I went to Church in the evening. I was debating whether to go or not in the car, but decided I would. And I'm glad I went. God is so amazing!!! 

When I had been feeling like I'm alone in this struggle for Bubba, the sermon delivered that night was "You'll never walk alone". This was exactly what I needed to be reminded of, because when we're in the midst of the battle, sometimes we don't hear the simplest of God's promises to those who put their trust in Him. 

Deuteronomy 31:6 (NLT)  So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you.”

There are many times the Lord reminds us that we are not alone, and it is this still, small voice which is whispering right into the depths of my heart, right into my brokenness, right into the midst of my loneliness and isolation - I AM with you.  Where no one else can see - God is there, and He hears the silent screams which others aren't aware of, even those closest to me.

It's not just words. It's truth. It's reassurance. It's hope. It's what I really needed to hear, that I am not alone, even though it feels like it. That God hasn't given up on His plan for my life, even though it seems like this Journey for Bubba caught Him off-guard like it caught me off-guard. That no tear is released without God knowing the reason behind it - even when I have no idea what triggered the tears this time. God knows. God cares. God is there. He will not leave me. He will not forsake me. He is there. He is here.


Father God, it is so hard to walk this Journey, when it seems that there is not end to it, as months roll into years, and life continues marching forward as it always has done, and when it seems that everyone else has forgotten what we are facing each month. Father, thank You that You are true to Your word, that when You promised You wouldn't leave my side, or forsake me to walk alone, that You are right there with me, with Hubby, and with us together in our heartache. Father, thank You for reminding me of this. I pray that every husband or wife who needs to know You are there with them, at this moment - whether this moment is in the reading of this prayer, or in the moment of my writing, I pray Your would comfort them to the point where they know You truly are there and You haven't left them alone. I pray, Father, that everyone one of us walking our own Journey for Bubba would know for sure that we do not walk alone. In Jesus name.

When Heaven Is Silent...

One of the things I promised myself, when I first started writing this blog, is that I would use this as a way of being real with my own thoughts, as a means of trying to work out what I am feeling.... I'm not the most expressive of people - except through writing. Somehow I have always found it easier to write than to speak about what I think or feel - which completely drives Hubby mad, because he prefers me to talk than to have to read about it!

This kind of walk which we're going through, which seems so endless and hopeless, also has made it harder for me to connect with the God Who I have always depended on. We all go through those times when God seems so far away, when our cries, our pleading,our prayers seem to surround us with their taunting echoing - as though bouncing around and around the cold stone walls which have built up around me. When the silence from God is so deafening, it hurts, and my heart is weary from all the tears. 

I have never gone through such a long struggle to connect with my Saviour, as I seem to be going through at this moment... and as much as I would love to see an end to the infertility challenge, I would also love to see an end to the silence of heaven. I love to study His Word, and gain so much from those times - but that personal one-on-one connection which we all long for with Heavenly Father... this is missing. Maybe it's because I have made myself busy, in order to try to handle this Journey? Maybe it's because I am battle weary? Maybe it's the anger at what we are struggling with? Maybe it's the endlessness of the Journey? Maybe it's the seemingly unanswered prayers over these last few years? Maybe it's because Hubby and I aren't as united in our desperation to seek God as we should be? Maybe it's all this and more.

I'm not posting this in the hope for pity or anything... I'm posting it because I believe that there are many others in the same Journey for Bubba who may also be feeling so distant from God, who may also experience that same sense of aloneness, desperation and sadness, in thinking God has forgotten about us, about the promise for us to be a mother, has turned His back on us and has become as bored with our pleas as we have become with repeating ourselves.

But regardless of how we feel, "Everything is going to be OK"
God not only comforts us in our grief and loneliness, He wipes our tears, collecting them as they flow - each precious heartfelt sob from the heart - and places them in a special place. When we are with Him, He will show you exactly how close He was to you. He hasn't stopped caring about you, or what you are going through, because nothing can separate you from the love He lavishes on you. Whatever else you think and feel about your Journey, somehow we have to look past this, and hold onto the truth that our Heavenly Father hasn't given up on us, and that He is trying to speak to us, as much as we are trying to listen. His grace is sufficient to carry you through each day - each heart-breaking month which passes, each grief-stricken sob of hopelessness. He will never leave you. He will never abandon you. He won't give up on the plans and promises He has for you. So whatever you feel... reflect on these things, and may they keep you close to God, embraced in His strong arms of love and support, and may you find rest in His peace.

Blessed Are Those Who Mourn

My car CD player has been broken for a couple of weeks. It only needed a new fuse, but as I am useless at that kind of thing, I had to wait for the time when Hubby was free to do change it. It's funny how much you miss having the freedom to play music when it is taken away from you!!

So when Hubby finally remembered to change the fuse, I found that when I started to play the CD, I listened more intently to what was playing. As I did, one line from one of the songs on the Desperation Band album "Centre of it All" really struck me.

"Your comfort is for all the hurting"

This one line is so profound in its simplicity, for we can only receive the comfort of God when we are hurting, We can't know this aspect of God's nature when we aren't in pain, for we would not have need to be comforted. As Jesus said,

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." (Matthew 5:4)

Many times, in this journey, I have known what it is to mourn. Someone said to me over the weekend, "You can't grieve what you don't know you're missing." But I can promise I really do know what I am missing, I have spent enough time with my gorgeous Nephews and Stepson to have a very clear understanding of what I am missing, and battle daily with the emptiness of my barren womb, my arms which long to hold Bubba, my hand which longs to take the tiny hand of my child and lead them, safely, through life. My grief may not be as visible as the parent who has lost a child, but I know I have experienced the comfort of God in my hurting... in my mourning. 

Wherever you are in your journey, know that Father God fully understands what we are fighting against, and how we are feeling, even if others don't get it. He is with you, walking through each day, and pouring out the balm of His comfort within your moment of grief and mourning. 

Infertility And Depression

Why on earth am I struggling to contain my tears whilst sitting in Starbucks, enjoying one of ther "Festive Favourites"??? Oh yeah... it's because I started a new cycle, and there's a mum on the next table breastfeeding her Bubba... reminding me what I am not. Maybe I should leave... but why should I... I was here first, and I was perfectly OK sourcing some images for an article I had worked on. 

It is so maddening to suddenly have to contain my emotions, these crazy emotions which seem to have a life of their own, and usually let me know they exist when I'm out in public... why couldn't they just keep in check until it's dark and I'm alone!

Grrrr!!

The fact is, that according to a charity poll conducted recently, 91% of people suffering with fertility problems suffer from depression at some point in their struggles. Perhaps, one of the most difficult emotional consequences of infertility is the loss of control over one’s life (Domar AD, Seibel MM. Emotional aspects of infertility. In Seibel MM (ed). Infertility: a comprehensive text. Stamford: Appleton and Lange; 1997.p.29-44). A loss of control creates a huge sense of hopelessness when thinking about the future.

In my experience, there seems to be offers of support for those who go down the route of using one of the treatments available, like IVF, IUI etc... but what of those of us who can't use them for financial or health reasons, what about those who want to but are not eligible for help from the NHS, or what about those who had a number of attempts, which weren't successful and now the courses, and all options, have come to an end - what support? What counselling? What help?

Depression is the silent enemy of women who desire to be a Mumma, and who are fighting infertility. It can take a grip at any moment. As Christian's this can lead to the added pressure of feeling incredibly guilty - after all, aren't we supposed to trust God! Doesn't depression mean we have stopped trusting God??? How can we be a "good Christian" if we are depressed?? Not only does the Christian woman have to suffer the heartbreaking stigma of being infertile, but there's the added anxiety of having to appear to "hold it all together" and yet all you may want to do is hide in a dark corner, eat chocolate and never face the world again. The feeling of depression may even take you to the edge of suicide as the prospect of never being a Mumma is too much to bear.

Don't suffer alone. You're walking a lonely road anyway, but you don't have to be alone in it. Let your Hubby in to your heartache. Even if he doesn't understand what you are going through completely, he loves you and wants to be there to just hold you in your pain - remember he is fighting a similar battle with you.

Don't hold back your emotions... OK there may be occasions when you will need to run to the nearest toilet, but you need to be honest with yourself. You need to allow yourself to grieve without pressuring yourself to "get over it".

Be honest with God. I know, I know... talking to God may seem like the hardest thing to d right now, especially if you blame him for your fight against infertility. But we need to "forgive God" for ourselves, because He is the only One who can truly uphold you through the darkest days. It might feel like He has abandoned you, or is withholding good things from you, but He knows the plans He has for you, plans to prosper you, not to harm you. We may not understand His ways, but we can trust them.

And if you need to, seek out a counsellor. The Infertility Network offer a support helpline (click the link to access information and the number) for those who need to speak to someone who really understands the struggles associated with infertility.

Find a Journey Buddy, preferably another woman who is going through a similar experience, or who has been through it and come out the other side (however that may look). Ain't no one gonna understand like someone who has worn similar shoes on a similar path.

Oh honey, I really wish I could make things better for you, but I pray that you will see the light of Jesus shining in your dark place. 

May you find rest in Yeshua's Shalom

Understanding Jacob's Rachel

I'm a woman. What other purpose do I have, if I cannot give my husband children. I look at my sister, his other wife, and she has practically birthed a whole village as his heritage. And my maidservant, along with her maidservant followed suit - but he is my husband. In fact, it seems like every women - slave and free - around me is either pregnant or with babies and children hanging off their skirts. Every woman except me.

All my life, I have been preparing for womanhood... by womanhood, I mean motherhood, for the two are inseparable. That's what Ima* always taught as I was growing up. Everything I was taught was about looking after my husband, and looking after my children. It's the way Adonai designed my body. For motherhood. Everything was about motherhood. I just sit and watch the women around me fulfilling their purpose and being mothers. And my heart aches, for I cannot. I have not fulfilled my purpose as a woman. What other reason am I here except to give my Husband an heir... except my sister has beaten me to that, a few times over. I can't even give him a daughter to dote on, for she beat me to that too!

What else is there for me. I might as well have not been born. I have no future. My story, my heritage will die with me when I am dead. I can't even do that one thing which Ima told me was natural for every woman. Oh Lord, who am I? 

Jacob, give me children or else I should die. I have no purpose to you. I have nothing to offer you. GIVE ME A CHILD!

I don't know who I should be. There is no reason for my husband to be lumbered with me if I have no children to give him. I am cursed. I am not blessed. He is of a blessed heritage! I remember the stories he shared with me about his Grandfather, Abraham, and his father, Isaac. Of the blessing of Adonai. Of the promises He gave for the future heritage He would bless them with. I am so obviously outside of that blessing, I might as well not even be here. Oh Adonai, that You would release me from this life. That You would release my husband from the burden of my barrenness. Oh Adonai, that You would take away this pain of not fulfilling the basic purpose for which You created me. Oh Adonai, I would rather die than never be a mother. 

Remember your husband's grandmother, Sarah.
Rachel, remember her story.
Remember how I redeemed her, fulfilled My purpose in her.
Do not fear, Rachel. Do not wish away your life. For greater things are yet to be birthed through you. Shalom, My daughter. Breathe in My Shalom.




*Ima is the Hebrew word for Mother

Used Because of My Brokenness

You know that God is working things out in your heart when He gives you the strength in spite of your brokenness! It's not always easy to say to Him, here I am Lord, use me as You will, because you don't know what He will want you to do!!!

But I knew God gave me the strength I needed in Church recently, when a woman who is pregnant came to me and asked me to pray for her, as she was experiencing pain during her seventh week. Submitting to the leading of the Holy Spirit, I found I was able to pray, without crying!

It's funny how God takes our brokenness, and turns things around so that His light can shine through us. So no matter where you are at, I would encourage you to say of the Lord, "here I am, use me", then be amazed at how He chooses to work through you. Even in those situations you would never have chosen for yourself.

More Lessons From Scripture: Husbands and Wives

I love Hubby to pieces, but at the moment, he is struggling in his walk with the Lord, to the point where to even pray for me when I ask him, he doesn't feel he is in a place to do that. This makes it really difficult for me, as I read time-and-time again of Christian couples who prayed together and saw God answer their prayers for a child.

I totally believe that God wants this for Christian marriages. I fully believe that a Christ-centered marriage has a strength and a depth between a husband and wife, which other couples miss. And so for me to be in this situation - I have found this Journey for Bubba that much harder. All I would like, is for Hubby and I to pray together. 

This last Sunday, though, God spoke to me so clearly about this situation, that He has set at ease the stress and pressure I have been feeling in my heart. He is so awesome like that. For a while, because I have been praying for Hubby, and seeing only slight glimpses of the answer I desperately seek, it becomes easy to think that God isn't listening. But He sent two women to speak to me at Church - one had a vision of me seeing my prayers added to the bowl of incense which is poured out before the throne of the Lord, as described in Revelation 5:8: ...and golden bowls full of incense, which are the prayers of the saints, and Revelation 8:3-4: He was given much incense, that he should offer it with the prayers of all the saints upon the golden altar which was before the throne. And the smoke of the incense, with the prayers of the saints, ascended before God from the angel’s hand. The second lady spoke of how the Lord had placed a connection in her spirit to pray for me for breakthrough. She has offered to meet with me specifically to pray for the strongholds which are preventing the breakthrough I need, although she has no idea what these are. I immediately knew this was relating to Hubby, and also for my Journey for Bubba. 

But even before these two women spoke to me, God had already spoken His encouragement to me through my study of the women of the Bible who struggled to conceive. 

So keeping in mind the fact that I felt as though I don't have the prayerful support of Hubby, and have felt as though I was trying to stand strong and fight this battle alone... I started to remind God of how important husbands were to the "barren" women in the Bible (you know them ones when you try to tell God about His own story!):

• Sarah, as the woman married to Abraham, was told via her husband she would conceive - You, Lord, spoke to Abraham FIRST... she overheard You and laughed!
• Rebekkah conceived after her husband pleaded with You in prayer on her behalf. I don't know what she may or may not have said to him but You Lord, listened to her husband and she conceived.
• Then Elizabeth wasn't even privy to the conversation You had with her husband, Zachariah because he was in the Most Holy Place and then was struck dumb and couldn't relate any of what You, Lord, had told him! 

You see, God, do You see how important it is for the husband to be in the journey with his wife! Do You see what You have done through these marriages, because I do - I see exactly how important it is for the wife to have the spiritual support of her husband!!

Point made, rant over!!!!

The Lord, graciously and calmly, pointed me to Hannah:

• She spoke to the Lord DIRECTLY as she prayed ON HER OWN at the Temple. Elkanah was a Godly man, in that he made the annual pilgrimages to the Temple in Jerusalem when required, providing offering for himself and his family, but in response to Hannah's heart-cry, he gave her a very human - very manly - response, when he said to his wife "Am I not better to you than 10 sons" (1 Samuel:1:8). He didn't connect with her on a spiritual level, he didn't appear to have the same level of faith in God's healing power to pray and intercede on Hannah's behalf or to join Hannah when she went to the Temple to pray. Hannah had to deal with her anguish, her grief alone. She knew the only way to be heard, as she desired to have a child of her own, was to seek the Lord directly, which is when we read of the vow she made to God. She was alone in this moment. Yet the Lord was so close to her in that moment. 
• The other woman was Rachel. She was the wife of Jacob, who became the Father of twelve sons, the one whom the nation of Israel is named after. But at the time, she was barren, regardless of how much she tried to have a child, and she became human in her responses, saying to her husband, "give me a child or else I will die" (Genesis 30:1). We read of poor Rachel's plight as she watches her maid, her rival-wife-sister, her sister's maid all conceiving lots of wonderful healthy babies for her husband, Jacob. we can share her anguish as child 4, 5, 6, 8, 9, 10, 11 is born, and each time, she is still waiting, still childless, still barren. We don't know how Jacob supported his wife through this, we don't know if he interceded on her behalf. We know he got angry with her (Genesis 30:2), maybe felt helpless on her behalf? But we do know that Rachel prayed. Although we don't know the exact words she spoke, as with Hannah, we do know that God listened to HER, remembered HER and opened her womb (Genesis 30:22).

Point made, I was silenced!

There may be wives out there who don't have the full spiritual support of their husbands, not just temporarily, but on a permanent basis, as there are women who are married to non-Christian men. Be encouraged that God is as tuned in to your prayers, ad He is to the prayers of a Christian husband, or to the prayers of a husband and wife standing together in prayer. I would encourage you to ask the Lord to bring you a prayer partner who will pray with you for the child you long to conceive, because I know that there is strength in praying with someone, "...if two of you agree on earth, concerning anything they ask, it will be done for them by My Father in heaven" (Matthew 18:19). But don't lose heart that your prayers alone are in vain, because the Lord has promised to hear those who call on His name. And just as He heard the prayers of Rachel and Hannah - He hears your prayers too. Be encouraged, and don't give up. The journey isn't over yet, you are not barren, you are fruitful and one day, the Lord will bring to bear the fruit of your womb. The fruit of my womb. 

Listening to the Right Voice

Since the passing away of Robert Edwards a couple of days after Baroness Thatcher, it seems as though the subject of IVF has been coming up more and more in conversation and news articles.... either that or because of the journey I am on, I seem to more aware of this!! 

I was reading the paper when an article caught my attention, "I wish IVF had never been invented!" it screamed! Now, although I have made up my mind not to pursue this avenue for myself, I was interested in what had brought the author to this particular position where she would wish away the whole process. As I read through her piece, I almost cried for her - except I was at work (on a coffee break!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)!

It was written by a woman in her forties who has undergone the process of IVF first-hand. describing the utter heart-break of the two failed attempts and the constant reminder of her failure as she looks at the bottles and needles still tucked away in the fridge, "our world has been on hold, in a terrible emotional limbo, ever since. I recognise that mine is a controversial  perspective — and yes, IVF has brought untold joy to countless childless women. But I have first-hand experience of the  physical and emotional anguish you endure when the expensive, invasive treatment Sir Robert developed happens to fail."

What the majority of fertile couples fail to understand is the rollercoaster anguish of TTC. But for the one in six couples who struggle to conceive, and I believe that figure is rising, the fact is that life on the rollercoaster of subfertility can be completely overwhelming. It threatens to impinge on every area of life, with the ability to transform a regular balanced woman into a bag of emotional wretchedness, focused on the one thing she desires to the point where, like in a cartoon nightmare, everything flying at her face is either a pregnant woman or a baby, or related to the new nursery she would like to create, as she spins round and round in a whirlwind of her life!

It becomes all she thinks about, as she follows her monthly cycle meticulously, particularly if she is taking fertility drugs / attempting IVF / IUI / GIFT and all the other letters, her conversations are filled with hints or facts or information relating to what she is going through, where she is in her cycle, how many days till she knows a month was a success or a failure, the effects of the drug treatments, the number of eggs she produced.... if you ask her how she is, you will know intimate details you never thought you wanted to know! when she walks into a coffee shop, a church, an art gallery, she can instantly tell you who is pregnant and where all the new babies are! When she visits a new town, she has clocked all the stores related to baby products!!

But not every woman TTC has the network of understanding friends around her - some even seem to have negativity thrown in her direction, just because she is struggling to conceive. As many of us can testify, we never thought we would reach the age we are and still be childless. We never expected to have a problem with what is one of the most natural things in the world. We never asked to walk this path - but here we are!

At the end of the article is a facility for leaving a comment, as I read through some of the comments, I really hoped within my heart that the author would never ever read some of the things people had written - people who seemed to be so full of anger, pride and total disregard for the woman behind the piece. It is so easy for us to sit in judgement over other, but until we have walked ten miles in their shoes, how can anyone condemn another person who they don't even know. I added my support, just in case she did read the comments. 

If you have ever encountered the negativity of people from the five in six couples who don't have any fertility problems, I pray God will help you to forget their unkindness, and to surround you with people who can support you - even if they don't fully get what you are going through. I think it is important to raise awareness of this issue, because in educating those who don't know what happens, we may be able to limit the amount of judgmental attitudes towards us. We don't choose to wait until we're old before trying, sometimes life is just like that! We don't choose to have a condition which affects the uterus, the Fallopian tubes, the ovaries, our ovulation, etc... life can just hit you like that! 

So before you allow someone to intimidate you with their negativity, remember that God knew the journey He was taking you on, before you even stepped onto the path; when He made you, He made you "fearfully and wonderfully" YES! Even with that condition you have and didn't realise! When He looks at you, He looks at you with pride, like a father looks down on his children, and He is so pleased to have you in His care. And He upholds you, day by day, strengthening you in the battle, encouraging you in the darkest night... listen out for His voice, instead of those other voices! The ones who will hear the song of your heart and sing it back to you when you've forgotten the words or the tune.

The Faith Cycle

I don't know about you, but there are times when my faith-level seems to be a bit like my monthly cycle. I'm specifically talking about this Journey for Bubba, because for almost everything else, there seems to be a consistency in the level of faith I have - particularly when it comes to praying for others!

But like my monthly cycle - there are days when I am full of faith, and there are days when my faithful resolve has weakened somewhat. I may have noticed a pattern too.... Before ovulation - faith levels are up there in the heavens... around the due date of Aunt Flo's arrival - there is a sudden and dramatic dip... or plummet, depending on the symptoms I start to experience!

It's quite exhausting, actually, but this is the cycle my body and my spirit seem to have fallen into step with! The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak!

So with this in mind i was struck by this particular incident of healing in Matthew's account of Jesus' life:

Matthew 9: 28:29: ...And Jesus said to them, “Do you believe that I am able to do this?” They said to Him, “Yes, Lord.” Then He touched their eyes, saying, “According to your faith let it be to you.” 

If Jesus had asked me at the wrong time of the month this particular question, and healed me "according to my faith" ... ooeerr missus! That's quite a scary thought that Jesus would sometimes limit Himself to the faith of the person He is healing! I had a conversation with someone just yesterday who thought she had to have people to pray for her, in order to be healed by God, until I explained that it's not about the person praying, it's about the God who hears, answers and heals. 


I've always believed that, and yet here we have a journey of healing. Firstly, two blind blokes are following Jesus, asking Him to have mercy on them. Then when Jesus entered a particular house (don't know who's house it was, but they obviously had an open door policy!), these two blokes followed them in. This is quite an incredible thing to do... It can't have been easy for two blind guys to follow someone they couldn't see into unknown areas and entering into a house they had never been to before... and who knows how long they had been following Jesus? Matthew's account doesn't give us any indication of the length of time Jesus walked from one place to the other, it could have taken days, definitely hours... I went to Israel last year, and we went to the Galilee area where Jesus lived The region is mountainous... it's not a level footpath where the blind men would have been walking... it is rocky, dusty, had they been available, hiking boots with the little spikes would have been required as they'd have trekked through the cities of Galilee. 

Some of us may have been walking this type of Journey for Bubba in a spiritual sense. following Jesus wherever He leads us, sometimes our journeys are up and down... like a mountain. Crying out to Jesus in the hope He will hear us, "Have mercy on me, Jesus. Have mercy and hear the cries of my heart". 

To us, it would seem obvious what we need from the Lord. Just as it would seem obvious to those around that these two blind blokes would have a level of faith which says they believe Jesus is able to heal them, based on the fact that they had followed Him like this.

But Jesus asks them what would appear to be a superfluous question. He says, "Do you believe I am able to do this?" I'd be like, "Err... hello, isn't it obvious??? I can't see where I am going, but I followed you all this time... I saw and heard you raising that little girl to life when she was technically dead, I heard about that woman who touched your coat and was healed... do I believe you can do the same for me????"

But actually... Do I believe God is able to heal me. I don't have a problem with Him healing others... but do I believe He can bring healing in my body, in my situation??


And this is the question I leave us with... You may have following Jesus for years... you may not have been with Him for that long. You may have felt like your walk with Him has been rough and mountainous, rather than the smooth path you were hoping for - or believe you see others walking. You may have been crying out to God for most of your Journey, "Lord have mercy on me!" But now that Jesus turns His attention to you, and asks you "Do you believe that I am able to do this?" Be prepared to answer Him, for He may just respond, "according to your faith, let it be to you."


Father God, I believe You are able, I believe You are willing. But I know that there are times when I hold myself back because I think why would You for me, when there are so many others who have a greater need. Lord, I ask that you would increase my faith that You will, to match the understanding I have that You can. I pray that across this whole situation of others who are TTC, that You would increase faith, so we will be able to respond to Your question with great faith. Lord, I pray You would bring a consistency in how much I believe You can, and take me off the roller-coaster of up down faith which has followed my monthly cycle, bringing a level which will uphold me when times are tough. "Lord, I believe, help my unbelief" (Mark 9:24).

Encouragement From John Piper

Thank you to my ACW virtual writer-friend Mandy Baker Johnson, who shared this encouragement with me. I found it hugely valuable, and with her permission, wanted to share it with anyone who stumbles across my blog.

Pastor and author, John Piper was asked what he would say to a couple who wanted to ask him advice on infertility. His response is a beautiful reminder that God has a plan and a purpose for everything - even the tough Journey for Bubba. He draws out from Isaiah 56 a surprising revelation for all of us. Click here to hear John's encouragement for couples who are TTC, through Mandy's blogsite.

Empty Womb, Aching Heart - A Very Helpful Book!!

A few weeks ago, I really wanted a book I could read in relation to this journey of struggling to conceive. I didn't want one of those self-help, got all the answers, this worked for me kind of book, I just wanted something I could dip into for encouragement. Did such a book exist??

As I searched the internet, I found something which seemed to fit my criteria - "Empty Womb, Aching Heart" by Marlo Schalesky. It is a collection of stories from real people who have walked this path before me, and there is no fan-fare presentation which made me feel worse than I did already, for not having enough faith or whatever, rather they are people who have thought the same thoughts as me, and fought against the same feelings of injustice as me.

The testimonies are from women, couples and men and are woven into five sections with the headings:

• Struggles of the heart
• Struggles of the mind
• Struggles of the body
• Struggles of the spirit
• A word of hope

Within each heading, I found someone who's story I related to... I've been in the situation where it seems like everyone around me is pregnant, except me, I've struggled with being in Church on Mother's Day, I've received maddening advice from well-meaning women, I've struggled with the thoughts that I am less than a women because I've not yet been able to do what is supposed to be a natural part of being a woman, and I have wondered if God was punishing me. So as I read through each of the chapters, I found a connection with the encouragement each author received from the God Who really does care and understand what we are going through.

One of the things I really valued was the fact that this book didn't try to give any answers, nor offer any false hope or false promises... in some of the cases, the decisions went beyond the woman's desire to conceive, to her desire to be a mum, and looking into adoption or surrogacy... not every journey will have the outcome we think it should have. This is a very sobering thought!

The final chapter included stories from those who had become mum's, through one means or another. I found this an excellent way to conclude the book. I appreciate the fact that the author / editor Marlo  wasn't trying to make anyone feel guilty for feeling the way we do in this walk, rather, she found a way for us to identify with people who are just like us, to learn from them, to be encouraged by their stories and to find relief in the fact that, as one woman said, It's OK to cry, it's OK to grieve and it's OK to get mad at God!

I would have loved to know the outcomes of each of the stories highlighted in the book, especially as it was first published in 2001. It would be interesting to know where each of the couples are at now. But ours is not to know, ours is to read, dip in and out of and gain strength from the testimonies of women who God has led on this path before us.

I would urge you to check out this book, especially if you feel you are the only one who struggles with your faith and your journey to conceive.