The Pressure Of Infertility On Relationships

If infertility is seldom spoken about among Christians, the impact of infertility on relationships even less so.

From my own experience I have noticed changes in all types of relationships in my own life... From  choices I have felt I needed to make, to the choices others may have subconsciously made. For example, there was one friend I had, and we used to share stories over a pot of tea and cake on many an afternoon. The problem for me was that no matter what time of day I would meet her, whether during school hours or not, she would always have at least one of her children in tow, often with the excuse, "I know he should be in school but he sooooo wanted to see you." Often I would purposely arrange to meet her during school hours to avoid the trauma of having a child in tow....this was around the time I was undergoing all the tests known to medicine, as the experts tried to tell me why I was struggling to conceive. So, in time, I made arrangements to meet her less and less, and now we hardly see each other. Self-preservation?

With my parents, I love them to bits, but as we live at opposite ends of the country it is difficult to have heart-to-heart conversations about stuff....especially as they have three other children, including two sons who are very attention-grabbing. As the sensible older child, it is assumed (as has been admitted to me by my mum) that I will always be ok because I am not so demanding of them. So the guilt I feel at not producing the longed-for grandchild (apparently it's different when a daughter gives birth than when the daughter-in-law does, or so I have been reliably informed!) is never spoken about, and the pain of my empty arms is noticed at family gatherings, but never mentioned.

There is also a strain on the relationship with my stepson. The pain of seeing a child who is the image of my hubby but has no part of me. The depth of the bond between father and son I can never share in, the secret jokes and conversations which don't involve me can be painful to watch, and a constant reminder of what I am missing. Yes, we women who long to be mothers know exactly what we are missing when we don't have our own child. Which adds to the grief of our broken dream. And so in order to help me cope, I distance myself. I want to see the relationship between hubby and his son develop and be strengthened, and wouldn't ever try to stick a wedge in, but for my own sanity and peace of mind, I have to sometimes not be part of their adventures, usually around the time Aunty Flo pays a visit.

And finally, there is the impact on the relationship with hubby himself. As I have mentioned previously, he has admitted he can't always understand my struggle and the pain; he can't always cope with the emotions I have as part of my journey...he has his child, it would be great to have another one, but it's not the same fear or frustration as it is for me. What should be a shared battle for most husbands and wives to support and encourage one another, can often be a lonely isolation for women like me who are stepmothers to another woman's child. Sure, we know you had a child before we married you, but we didn't know we would struggle to have our own. It was never supposed to be problematic. It was supposed to just happen when we were both ready.

I've been thinking a lot about relationships and friendships recently. And I don't want anyone's pity.... The purpose of writing this was to explore the real impact of infertility on relationships. It will be different for everyone walking on the Journey of infertility, and within each journey there will be moments when relationships are strong, and times when they appear to have broken.

But I thank God for the consistency of His relationship. If I've said it once, I've said it soooo many times, I don't know how I could walk this walk without Him. He is my comfort, my support, my shoulder to cry on, my encouraging word, my inspirational thought. Whatever your own experiences of infertility on your relationships, I pray you know the depth of the love God has for you, and a full understanding that no matter what, He won't leave you to work it out alone.....if you feel as though you are alone! He loves you enough to stand with you in the bad times as well as the good, and He will never throw your failings in your face, but will love you through your darkest days.


Father God, thank You for Your unfailing friendship which will never leave me just because I can't have children. You won't feel weird about what to say to me. You won't belittle me. You won't leave me. You will love and carry me through. I pray for all those women currently experiencing difficulties in thier relationships, especially with their husband, whether real or perceived. 

May You bring people into our lives who will stand with us and demonstrate true love and support through the Journey of infertility. Who will bring the comfort and strength we sometimes need in our physical battles. And may we in turn be the comfort for someone else who needs to be comforted. In Jesus name I pray.

Decision About My Next Step: Why IVF Is Not For Me

So I have a decision to make about what my next step with be in treating the blocked tube as Hubby and I try to conceive. The first option thrown at us by the Consultant, was to pay for our own courses of IVF treatment, as I was not eligible (Hubby has a son already - apparently that's supposed to make up for my inability to conceive and I should be thankful for another woman's child in my life!).

In previous postings, I have mentioned how I would not go down the road of having IVF treatment. This was a decision I came to after researching what happens during a course of IVF, and I felt that morally (and probably emotionally too, if I am honest!), I couldn't deal with it.

I didn't like the idea of multiple embryos (AKA babies) being created and then being discarded or killed when they aren't used. For me, I have always held the belief that a life starts from the moment we are conceived... from Scriptures such as, Psalm 139: 13-16: "For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made... My frame was not hidden from You when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be." and Isaiah 44:24: "Thus says the LORD, your Redeemer, And He who formed you from the womb: “I am the LORD, who makes all things, Who stretches out the heavens all alone, Who spreads abroad the earth by Myself" (Also the same statement is made in verse 2 of the same chapter), or Jeremiah 1:5: “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you; Before you were born I sanctified you; I ordained you a prophet to the nations.”

For me, life is life from conception, not from birth, or from a particular point in the developmental process (for some people, babies aren't considered "human" until they show rational thought!). Which is why I didn't think I could handle the process of going through the IVF course. When I learnt that they take a number of eggs and sperm and put them together to fertilise, thus "creating" life multiple times, but only one, two or at most, three are replaced back in the mother's womb, the rest are either frozen or rejected, I struggled to come to terms with balancing the creation of life with the destruction of that same life. 

Now some may think that it doesn't matter because the baby has been fertilised rather than conceived. But for me, the moment the cells start dividing - the organism is living, creation is occurring. 

It became an easier decision to live with, when Hubby and I found out we would not be eligible for NHS treatment of IVF anyway, because of Hubby's son. I think had I not reached the place within my own heart of what I would do in the possibility of infertility, the news from the Consultant a couple of weeks ago would have been devastating. Instead, I have a peace about this particular decision about what to do next.

Earlier this week, there was an article in the Daily Mail on Wednesday 2nd January, 2013, which discusses in more detail the process of IVF, called "1.7 million embryos created for IVF have been thrown away, and just 7 per cent lead to pregnancy". This is not me being political - I just found the article quite informative, and helped me to explain in more detail, why I made the decision I have.

If you are in the process of IVF, or are considering IVF, please don't think I am trying to condemn you. This is just a blog about my Journey For Bubba... each of us may be on a similar road, but our Journey's for our Bubba's will be different.

I pray the Lord's leading a direction for each of us will help us all with the decisions we have to make.

Follow-up Sub-Fertility Investigation - Ultrasound Scan

Following the HSG x-ray I had to endure a couple o, the doctor had heeded the advice of the radiologist for me to have an ultrasound scan in order to see in more detail the uterus and blocked tubes. So instead of receiving an appointment letter to see the consultant, I received a follow-up appointment to have an ultrasound.

The morning of the appointment, Hubby was working, so my Sis-in-Law came with me instead. We live close to each other, and she has been walking with me through this Journey For Bubba from the outset. She's such an encourager, and I am grateful the Lord has brought her into our family, through marrying one of my brothers.

My appointment wasn't until the afternoon, so we met for lunch in an attempt to "take my mind" off the impending appointment. Plus I needed to drink lots of fluid ready for the ultrasound. When we arrived, I had to go into the Mother and Children's department. A bit strange as I was neither a mother, nor had any children with me. I went to the Reception, signed in, then my Sis-In-Law and I took our seats among the pregnant women, and mother's with young babies. If I had been a weaker women! I think this is either an oversight on the part of the infertility department and consultants, or just really insensitive planning, because there was me, a woman undergoing investigations into why I was struggling to conceive sitting among lots of pregnant or new mums! Wow!

My name was called quite quickly, for which I was grateful, and my Sis-In-Law and I were led into a small ultrasound room. It was quite dim in the room, with a bed surrounded by a curtain in the main part of the room. At the head of the bed was a computer, monitor and the scanning equipment - including a long implement sitting innocently next to the monitor.

I was invited by the nurse to lay on the bed. She wanted to start with the external examination - this is the one like you see pregnant women in films having, where some (really cold) jelly is squeezed out of a tube onto your tummy, and an ultrasound camera is used to "see" your uterus. Obviously, in my case it is empty! I realised that the HSG x-ray had revealed there were some scarring or something on the uterus, which the nurse had been asked to investigate, as she mentioned this in her explanation of what she was doing. I hadn't been told this before - what causes the scarring??? Hopefully this new investigation would find out that as well as the reason for the blocked tube.

She spent quite bit of time moving the camera over my belly, pressing down on my full bladder, taking pictures of each area she was looking at. It didn't make any sense to me, I was just relieved when she was finished. She then said she would need to do an internal examination using the probe camera, and asked if that would be OK. Inside I was thinking I would rather not have to endure this undignified examination, but needing answers to what was going on, I consented. I was allowed to empty my bladder first though!! Phew!

When I returned to the consulting room, the nurse and my Sis-In-Law were patiently waiting for me. I was asked to remove the bottom half of what I was wearing and lay back down on the bed. Whenever I go to these kind of appointments, I always wear a long top over my jeans, for modesty sake! So Sis-In-Law could just turn around whilst I disrobed. I duly clambered back onto the bed in as dignified a manner as I could... you soon realise how how uncomfortable this is when you are butt-naked! Hahaha!

The nurse picked up the long implement which had been quietly and innocently sitting next to the monitor, waiting for its moment. Now was its moment. A condom is placed over it, in order to protect you from bugs, and then the camera is inserted. It is uncomfortable, but not as bad as the HSG x-ray had been. The nurse spent what felt like half an hour moving the probe camera around and taking pictures of what she could see. She asked me at one point if I had a history of endometriosis, but as I have never been investigated before, this is not something I could answer. Toward the end of her examination, she said that although there was scarring on the uterus, she couldn't see it was too bad to have caused me conception problems. I asked her if this would cause the blocked tubes, but she replied that she couldn't tell. She said that the ultrasound would only pick up if there is fluid inside the Fallopian tube, and there wasn't.

I guess this rules out that as one of the causes of the blocked tube in me. According to the research I had done (see my previous post on "what causes a blocked Fallopian tube"), fluid in the tube is one of the symptoms of PID. So that is ruled out in my case. I said in a previous post, I believe the cause of my problems is endometriosis, based on some of the symptoms I experience. It would seem, from the nurse's question, that this is becoming more and more likely the reason for my problem conceiving.

The examination ended, and I was given some tissues and wet wipes with which to clean myself up, which Sis-In-Law and the nurse vacated the room. Such a relief! The nurse then told me she would send her findings over to my consultant that day and hopefully he would call me for an appointment soon.

A week later, it turns out he hasn't called me in for a consultation to explain the results. He's sending me for another Day 2-5 Blood Test instead! More tests, even less answers. That the hardest thing about this process, waiting to find out what all of this has found and what it means. It's hard to move forward, or to know how to deal with what is happening when there is no concrete information from which to gain understanding from.

The other downside of this, is that since the intrusive investigations began, I've been experiencing a lot more internal cramp-like pain in the middle of the cycle. I'm not sure if this is the same for anyone else, but this my experience.