Booked in...

I walked away from the Doctor's Surgery, clutching the appointment letter in my hand. I had initially shoved it in my bag, not wanting to read it with others around me. But then out in the open air, I just had this overwhelming urge to read it.

As I read though the details, the information was exactly as the lady had told me over the phone. The date of my appointment, the time I was expected. But when I read the department of the hospital I was to visit - that was when the tears threatened to flood down my face.

"Gynecology clinic - infertility department" or something like that... All I can really remember is THAT one word... infertility. It made my stomach churn.

I am NOT infertile! I shouted in my head, loud enough for my ovaries to hear, but silent enough that no one else would notice and think me a crazy lady. I am only 35 - I am still fertile!

Why do they feel the need to label it an "infertility clinic" why not "fertility unit" or something much kinder and less traumatic!! Or why not take out any reference to fertility in the name of the department! Why does it have to sound so brutal.

I am not infertile... I may be a late starter - but I am governed by God, not so much by what the tests may show. I am NOT infertile! I may be struggling to conceive, but hubby has been away a lot, and I have been unable to time our attempts with my ovulation clock! I am not infertile. God knows the times and the seasons He has attributed to hubby and me... He knows the right time for Bubba to be given to us.

So why have I decided to agree to the investigation of why I have not conceived? Does this mean I don't have faith in the Lord whom I profess to trust in? Not at all. Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not yet seen. That describes me in relation to Bubba, and is straight from the Bible (Hebrews 11:1).

The way I see it - forewarned is forearmed!!! If I know whether there is a problem - even a mild blockage or whatever, then I can pray more effectively into the situation, rather than praying blindly. And I can ask other trusted friends to pray with me. I know God knows my body - inside and out. I know He knows whether there is a "problem" or not. He also knows how to "fix" the problem - after all, He did design and create the human body - the female body - the reproductive system - the child-bearing aspect of our design. So He knows how to "put it right"! In Him I will put my trust.

A year on...

Hubby and I went out for a meal a few weeks ago with an old friend of ours. It was a lovely time of chatting and catching up with each others news.

But, as we were leaving the table - we had been invited back to his for a coffee - our friend said to us, "It is so lovely to see you both... but isn't there one missing? Shouldn't there be a third member of your family by now?"

Well, yes there should. And in the Lord's timing, Bubba will join us. 

At least his query to us was better than another "friend" when we recently saw him. As I passed him by, he decided to put out his hand and lay it on my belly as if there was a baby growing inside... I had to keep my hands, which had formed a fist, very firmly by my sides!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Medical Intervention??

So apparently, when a woman hits that magic age of 35, and hasn't conceived within six months, she is "encouraged" to seek medical advice. Maybe start the invasive process of looking at what is wring with her body.

As hubby and I stopped using the patch the end of August last year - I guess that means me.

I did go the Dr's a couple of months ago, because I had noticed a change in my periods and wondered if this was something to be concerned about... there were no female Dr's on duty at my practice for the foreseeable future, so I had to sit with a male Dr who didn't actually listen to my concerns, just thought I was "stressy" about not having conceived yet, and that the problem obviously lay in me as hubby already has a son. I don't really want to go back to him again!!!

He did say he would arrange for me to see a consultant re: the whole conception thing - in between telling me hubby and I should go on a holiday... Would love to - would he like to contribute his finances to this!!! Anyway - I've not received a letter about an appointment - only reminder letters to follow up on a letter I should have received, urging me to make an appointment.

I've been putting it off. I'm not sure I really want to be prodded and poked only to be told it is my fault I don't have bubba growing inside me. It's not really an easy thing to talk about, and it definitely isn't an easy thing to be told that I am the one with the problem. Again.

We had some friends round for dinner last night - an older couple. Lovely they are! The conversation turned to babies... as it inevitably does with us at the moment - I mean, we've been married for two years, it must be time to have bubba!!! I ended up telling her about the whole medical intervention thing, and how I was avoiding it - she challenged me with this:
"What if you don't follow up and in years to come you realise it was a simple thing stopping you from conceiving, which is easily treatable?"

Hmmm.... I hadn't thought of it like that. Maybe it is something which medicine combined with God's help, can repair. But what if it isn't... What if the problem is permanent...???

                         What if the journey doesn't have to end in tears..???

Guilt Sets In... Again

I can't help but feel, sometimes, that maybe it is my fault I am not pregnant yet. So many other women seem to get pregnant so easily, without really trying, without even meaning to... and yet I am unable to conceive. I'm not grossly overweight, I eat healthily, I could do better with exercise, but I have seen women in a worse condition that I conceive without a problem.

But it all sunk in my heart the other night when I had, probably a defining moment, in this journey... and the guilt has well and truly set in!

One day last week I felt really nauseous, every evening for about four days in a row. On the third day, I felt so awful I was struggling to sleep because I felt so sick. At around 5 in the morning, after a fitful 20 minutes of rest, I had a sudden dreamy, sleepy thought... this could be it... sickness, not sleeping - I could be pregnant. In a blind panic, my heart started pounding, as I thought, "Oh my goodness, I don't think I can do this!"

Then I started spotting the next day.

Was my overwhelming panic, and selfish thought about having a bad pregnancy experience the reason for not being pregnant? Am I really not ready, so God still can't release Bubba to the world through me? I feel so afraid at the idea of becoming pregnant - of the changes I know will come to my body - it scares me... the fear of what is to come, I mean. I keep reading articles about new mums, or the affects of pregnancy on the body, the challenges to new mums, including the debates over to breastfeed or not to breastfeed... there is soooo much to consider! Least of all the fear of the actually birth itself!!

I have never handled pain very well - even a mere paper cut is enough to bring tears to my eyes!!! The idea of change, change which I can't predict or really adjust to, is difficult to face. But to have responded with blind panic at the idea of being pregnant, when Hubby and I are TTC - this was not a reaction I would ever have considered.

So, the guilt sets in, as I face this new pressure - my own failings in dealing with the idea of becoming pregnant... maybe conquering my fear, is the next step I should be taking in this journey!

Summer Rosé

 

So I was talking to hubby the other day... he thinks I should relax more about our TTC journey... which is fine for him to say - because it doesn't affect him in quite the same way! 

As a wannabe bubba's mumma, I have to be conscious of my cycle, and of how I'm treating my body, or watching what I eat or drink at certain times during it. For example... the gorgeous hot summery days' we've been enjoying are perfect for lounging in the garden, with a glass of Rosé !!! It is like THE perfect summer drink! I have a small bottle waiting for me in the fridge... But during that two week period, after the ovulation, before conception, while waiting to know if this month was successful or not, it would be irresponsible to have a glass... or bottle... of wine. Alcohol and growing babies don't mix!

So learning to relax, and yet monitoring what I am doing, somehow have to work themselves out as friends, rather than as opposing parts at this stage of my life! I don't think I am that OTT about TTC. I could be a whole lot worse than I am... I could get an ovulation monitoring kit, or check my BBT (basal body temperature) every morning before I even contemplate getting out of bed, or I could pounce on hubby on the predicted ovulation day... five times an hour, just to make sure his swimmers are alive and active... but I don't do any of those things. I don't even lift my legs in the air to encourage gravitational pull!

So in that respect, I told him, I am very relaxed! And yet am very aware of what my body is doing.

Ahhh... Summer Rosé... you typify relaxation, but for now... you must remain in the fridge!

Timing...

So last week I got really annoyed with God!

It's OK for us to do that, as long as we are real with Him... He knows our thoughts and our hearts, so trying to hide from Him is just ridiculous. I can't stay mad at Him forever because I trust Him to have my best interest at heart, for His purposes and not my own. But I was mad.

I didn't understand an answer He gave to the prayer Hubby and I prayed for Hubby's work situation, with what seemed to be disregard for the prayer we prayed for Bubba to be conceived. I struggled to comprehend the timing of the answer to the one prayer which had a huge negative affect on the other.

Timing is everything.

For God.

For conception.

For everything.

Timing is key.

So when a job for Hubby came up, directly in answer to our prayer for work, I was happy. When I realised the work would take Hubby away for a week, I was sad... we have had a period of being apart for four months recently, with Hubby coming home at weekends. But the frustration came when I realised the week Hubby would be away was a crucial week for Bubba conception.

Timing is crucial!

Hubby will be away for the three days leading up to the release of the egg and two days after it has been released, equalling ZERO chance for conception as sperm can only survive a limited amount of time in the uterus. April will come and go without conception success.

It doesn't mean our prayers for Bubba were not as important as prayers for work... because if Hubby doesn't have work, we wouldn't be able to provide the best for Bubba when he or she comes along anyway. God cares more about Bubba than Hubby or I ever will. So I trust Him because His timing is perfect.

Difficulties... Watch your mouth!

There is power in the tongue! I'm not being overly profound for a Monday morning - the Bible says it! That in the tongue - ie the words we say - there is power. Words can breath life, encouragement, peace, love or they can be destructive, causing hatred, death, dissension.

There is an element of what you say having an affect over what happens to us - I have heard many people say "Oh I'm tired" only to spend the whole day feeling tired and lethargic, or "Oh poor me." Only to have a victim mentality. Otherwise known as "self-fulfilling prophecies"!!

We are spiritual beings... and words affect the spiritual realm in a way most of us never really understand. But as we are created in the image of God, and God created the word through speaking it into being, then it stands to reason that the same principles are at work on our own lives.

With this in mind, last Thursday I had to renounce some of the things I used to say about becoming a Mumma. I used to speak over my life that I would not be able to conceive,or that I feared I may not be able to conceive. I used to say "if" I become a Mumma... instead of "when" I become a Mumma. It was always at the back of my mind a fear that maybe, I would not become a Mumma for various reasons.

I was always fearful, and used to speak out against having a child in the type of world we are currently living in, and how he or she would cope with the quickening deterioration of morals, values and God's principles today - things are so much harder for young people today than they were when I was a teenager - how much worse will it get before God intervenes... and He will!

I was always concerned of having Bubba at the time of the Lord's return, as I read in the Bible "Woe to pregnant and nursing mothers in those days" But if this is the case, then I will trust my Lord for He knows what is best for me, my body and for Bubba.

So, as I was driving home from work last week, I felt the Holy Spirit leading me to renounce the words I had spoken over the years, and then to rebuke any impact they may have had over my future dreams of becoming a   Mumma. So I did.

I didn't feel any different. I didn't suddenly think "that's it, I am now going to have Bubba!" None of those things. But I felt that what I had done in obedience to what I felt the Lord had requested of me will have a positive impact over my future. God knows exactly what He is doing in mine and Hubby6's life - and He knows the perfect time for Bubba to arrive.