Article in War Cry Magazine

It is with a sense of fear, trembling and incredible honour I upload this. The Salvation Army's magazine War Cry conducted an interview with me on infertility in the Church...

Thank you Renee, for the chance to share my story.

Thank You Lord for using my story to bless, encourage and inspire others. In spite of the hard times, I pray Your light will shine. In Jesus.

If Only It Was That Easy!

Have you seen the C4 Citroën advert..? The one where the bloke bumps into the girl on a street corner and they produce an instantly perfect family?? Apparently the car tag line is about how the car can help you start your family.... guess what my new car is going to be?! Not a Citroën C4!

#IfOnlyItWasThatEasy
#SolvingInfertilityOneCarAtATime

Games God Seems to Play

Children are a heritage from the Lord. That's the message today at Church.

I know they are, and I know that they are a gift and a blessing, but I wish I could have hidden away from this morning's service and focus on babies.

Why this focus? A couple of babies being dedicated, that's why. I'd forgotten when the pastor had pre-warned me, and now I have to try to remember that for me... God has a different kind of heritage. A different kind of blessing. A different kind of future. I'd love to see what it is. I'd love to see what He has in store for me... but for now. It's a waiting game. A game of hide and seek. A game of blind man's bluff. So many games all rolled into one heart's desire unfulfilled. At least, that's how it feels sometimes!!

Father God, I do pray you would be with these young children would be found always in your presence and that You would lead their parents as they lead them.

The School Play

I went to my first ever school play last week... One of my nephews was rapping in his class end of term production and when I'd asked if aunties could come too, he said we could. So I joined his mum in one of the front rows, and grinned like an idiot, taking photos of my nephew as he starred in the show, so proud.

There was a brief moment, when I started to wonder what it would have been like to watch the class production of my own child, and had to hold it together. But I succeeded in not embarrassing my nephew in front of his class! What an achievement for both of us!! Although, he probably would have just rolled his eyes at me if I had started crying!

It was quite nice having him look out for me when I first arrived and took my place, I know children have a sense of security when they seek out familiar faces in the crowd, and it was good to make him smile when he was sitting waiting for his turn. After his rap, when I gave him two big thumbs up, he grinned like the Cheshire Cat!

As his mum had to leave early, and I was on nephew duty after the show til she finished her meeting, I did what I said I would always do for my own child, and treated the super-star nephew and his older brother to some kind of sickly dessert as a "well done" for a great show.

Not having my own Bubba, I reflected the next morning on how precious the opportunity to be an aunty was that previous night. It's only in the last five years or so, since I moved closed to my brother and his family, that I have been able to have more of a role in their lives, and not being a Mumma of my own child, I really relish these small opportunities. Last year, now that the boys ar old enough, I started to take them out on Aunty Date Nights, sometimes one on one, sometimes both together. I want to establish a good relationship with them while I can, so that if ever they need to turn to Aunty Stephy for advice, they know that they can always find me. 

I may not be a Mumma, but I am a very proud Aunty.

Mother's Day Prayer, 2015

Today is about honouring those women who've walked beside me in the rain, and displayed those qualities God places within women - whether they are mothers or not. 

It's about praying for those women who grieve the loss of a son or a daughter,  whether they met their child, held their child, watched their child grow or not.

It's about praying for those people whose mothers are no longer physically beside them as they reflect on the love of the mother they have lost, whether it was recent or not.

Shalom.

Not as the world gives, 

but the true Shalom found in the arms and presence of Jesus.

It's Not Faith I Lack...

I posted the picture below on one of my social media pages which had been shared through infertility online, a page which had been set up to encourage women like me who are struggling with the battle for a baby. I removed the link to the name of the support group, because so many of the people I have links with have no idea of the battle I am in. Which is probably the same for many of us. There are only a select few friends who truly know what I and Hubby are dealing with.

It really hit home to me the fact that in life, some dreams will never come true. My dream of becoming a forensic psychologist as a young teenager amounted to nothing because I changed my mind as to what I wanted to be; and my dream to lead worship at Spring Harvest didn't happen when I moved churches, so stopped leading worship in my dad's Church.

But neither of these really cost anywhere near as much as the dream of motherhood. And the brokenness I feel at this particular heart desire which has not (yet??) been fulfilled. The idea of daring to dream a new dream seems as impossible to believe as my longing to be momma to my own bubba, maybe you can identify with this? And the closer I creep to 40 (the countdown to 2017 has started!) the further away my dream seems floats from me. 

So when I posted the image, a couple of friends who have no idea what I am going through, posted "encouraging" comments. Which I appreciate. I really do. 

But I had absolutely no idea how to respond when one of them posed the following question:

"...but don't you find the reward from God your father is much bigger n far better than you could of dreamt of?"

My immediate thought was, "No. Not always." But how can I put that without appearing to be lacking faith, or inviting lots of even more "encouraging" comments or Bible verses or whatever, which would be trying to combat my apparent lack of faith. Lack of faith is not what I suffer from. Grieving the dream of becoming a Mumma is what I suffer from. There is no simple, straightforward, catch-all verse or statement of faith and encouragement to help that because the pain of the emptiness and longing can't just be faithed away like that. 

So, I should just keep quiet, shouldn't I? Let others live peacefully in their "faith-bubble" where God seems to give better than they had originally dreamed, without my frustrations being allowed to waver their own hope and faith in God....Right???

Learning from Childhood

In Church this morning, there was a seriously touching moment a couple of rows in front of me, which caused me to reflect, once again, on what could have been had things worked out as I thought they would have.

There are a couple of families in our Church whose young daughters are the best of friends, and as soon as they arrive, they seek each other out and sit next to each other so they can chatter about all kinds of things while the adults are in worship. At five and six, they have lots to catch up on.

This morning, the young friends were sitting side by side as we sang The Splendour of the King, and holding hands, they both lifted their free hand to join in the adoration and declaration of our Saviour. One of the girls' parents looked at his daughter and her friend and smiled with pride. Sitting a couple of seats away was another girl - I think she is new - with her mum, she looked about seven or eight years old, and she too lifted her hand as she was singing. She looked up at her mum who looked at her daughter and brought her hand to her heart with the joy of a mother seeing her child loving Jesus.

All three of the girls may have been imitating their parents, but I've not seen them engage in the worship before today. They may have genuinely been impacted by the simplicity of the truth of the song. They may have been encourage each other to lift their hands, but I believe this would have brought as much - if not more - joy and pride in the love and actions of the three children. Just as He delights in our own praise and adoration of Him. There is such a purity in watching the three of them joining in as we worshipped, "How great is our God".

My heart was full of wonder.

But with this was the stark reminder of one of my dreams, which has always been to witness my child in his or her own adoration of the God I had hoped to introduce them to. I have longed, since before I was even married, to see the children I bear to truly worship Yeshua in a way that would inspire and encourage me in my own worship. I believe children, with their "clean hands and pure heart" (Psalm 24:4), are able to experience the love and closeness with Abba in a way adults are unable to. I base this on the fact that I asked Yeshua to be my best friend when I was eight years old, and know how He was with me even at that age. And so I long to introduce my child to the One Who will also be their best friend.

My heart ached.

Father God, sometimes it hits me in the strangest of ways, what I am missing. Please help me to enjoy the wonder of moments like this, when You give me a glimpse of what could be. Even if it causes my heart to hurt. I pray for each of the girls, that You would truly be the best friend who will remain by their side throughout every day of every year of their lives. May they come to know You in such a real way, that they will know Your leading in their lives, and may they do amazing things with You as they fulfil the calling You place on their futures. In Jesus name.