That Awkward Moment When...

Hubby and I decided that after me being away in Israel, that we would go out for a walk and lunch together, before continuing with those separate jobs we have to do. So we went to one of our favourite local coffee houses, complete with pink walls and delicious food! Perfect!!

There were a number of people in the cafe with us, including a number of families with small children, who made a beeline for the play area in the corner of the cafe. Suddenly, without warning, or any inclination of what was about to happen, tears started to well up in my eyes and fall down my cheeks. Hubby was concerned, "What's wrong, love?" To be honest I have absolutely no idea where they came from or why I was crying over my chocolate-orange cake, but in this moment, my heart ached as I observed young children showing their parents bright, shiny toys they were enjoying playing with. 

There is no limit to when the grief strikes, if there was I'd have known to avoid going out for lunch at that time. Grief just happens. It just hits you at the most inopportune moment. I dared not look at any of the faces of the parents round me, as I made my way from our table in the corner of the cafe, to the safety of the private bathroom. On a weekend, families around the world pause together as they take a break from the working week and spend time with each other.... OK, so this may not always be a good thing, but to have had the choice to be a family, to watch my own children as they played, to offer my child new food to sample, to teach them new things, these are out of my grasp. At the moment, out of my future. And that is the grief of this day.

Father God, comfort Your daughters who long for their arms to be filled with the blessing of their own child, for the womb to receive the gift of the seed of life, for the family our hearts long to love. 

When Injustice Reigns.

I try not to allow the news to wind me up, but every now and then a story appears which really does make my blood boil. Like today. Flicking through the news over my morning coffee, I was suddenly bombarded with the headline about an MP who is.... Wait for it.... Expecting a baby with a lesbian couple (I've decided I'm not going to bother to put a link to the story). I mean, seriously...! First of all, why was it considered newsworthy at all, and secondly, why are they in the situation they are in enjoying the BLESSING of becoming parents while I plod on from one month to the next trying to make sense of a dream for children which has yet to become a reality?

It's when this kind of situation smacks me isn't he face that I wonder how the Bible can say "children are a gift from God" and balance this with the wickedness of these kinds of situations and the apparent right people think that have to be parents. Nope....this is not a politically correct statement to make, but this is my real life! To raise a child with three parents?? This is not what God ordained when He created "family". A child needs a father and a mother. One of each. To claim otherwise is insanity and has taken the idea of parenthood away from children being a gift to children being an accessory of a successful life. And then we start to get talk about children being genetically modified to a specific parents requirement, the "designer baby". So then is the Bible still right when it says, "children are a gift from God"???

If so, where does that leave people like me, who have no choice BUT to leave it all in God's hands and wait for Him to bring the blessing my way, while at the same time, trying to not be bothered by reports like these. Where is the justice in this? Where is the hope in this? Where is God in this???

Father God, trying to make sense of the world and the way injustice seems to overnight You and Your word is difficult. Especially when it comes to my struggle to comprehend why I can't have a child and yet people who are spitting in Your face and mocking Your word don't have any problems. I don't understand it, I don't understand why You have allowed us to do this. I don't need to, I guess. But help me to not become so frustrated and irritated by these types of stories that they have the potential to make me bitter about my situation.... Or bitter toward You. I hold on to the promise that You have said, "children are a gift" from You, but don't understand why this gift hasn't been bestowed on me. Other gifts have, and I thank You for them. 

Turbulence...

I was recently on a flight home from Israel, following an amazing trip led by the Israeli Tourist Board. In the seats next to me were a couple of teenage girls who were flying for the first time. For the first three hours, we had a very smooth flight, and there was much movement throughout the cabin as families congregated in the aisle, sharing food and stories. These two girls were laughing and giggling together, very much enjoying their experience, as they stood next to their mothers seated in the seats behind us. As the cabin crew made their rounds for dinner, the plane suddenly dipped, and the girls giggled... more with hysteria than a genuine sense of fun and adventure! Then the plane repeated its turbulent manoeuvre, and they both collapsed back into their seats laughing while grabbing the others girls hands and looking at each other wide-eyed, trying to make sense of what was happening. They looked to their parents for reassurance the plane wasn't about to fall out of the sky, even though it felt like it was; they also checked across to see how I was reacting. For the record... after retrieving my stomach from the ceiling above me, I continued tap-tap-tapping on my laptop, as I was working on a report about the trip.

There are many times in life when we hit turbulence, when life suddenly takes an unexpected turn and we look to someone... anyone... for reassurance. It may be a situation others are experiencing at the same time and we watch how they respond; or we look to someone older, wiser and seek their assurance that what is happening is not as scary as it seems to be.

And then it hit me... Infertility is very much like that! As we grow up, we have dreams about meeting our Mr Right, getting married and having two, three, four... a football team... number of children, preferably one of each, whose names we chose while the teacher was out of the room with our friends. We imagine how they may look, taking the best bits of ourselves and the current guy we have our eyes on... there are even apps for merging the faces of you and your man in order to see how your baby might look. Yep... I'm serious!! (NEVER tried it, though!!) Then suddenly, we reach our mid-thirties and realise the dream hasn't quite worked out as it should have done, and we're surrounded by this thick fog of turbulence... faith, emotions, future plans and fear are all impacted. How on earth am I supposed to deal with this? How on earth am I supposed to go from the smoothness that life had once been, to suddenly dealing with this huge, dark, cloud hanging over my head, and over my future hope?

I looked to the Bible, to see how women in my ancestry had dealt with it. I looked to friends who had experienced the same turbulence, to see how they were handling it. I looked to the internet, to dig out what I could about what was happening, and the correct way to respond... sometimes I found assurance, other times I didn't.

Back to the flight, as the turbulence continued to affect the plane, our pilot switched on the seatbelt sign, and the flight attendant's voice calmly explained the situation we were encountering. 

My Pilot, is God. He knows the full extent of the turbulence in my life, and He is fully aware of what's ahead in my life. I may not be blessed with children right now, but I have so many other things around me that I am thankful for, and instead of looking at the difficulty of infertility and all that it brings, I need to make the choice to enjoy the life He has blessed me with. Oh, that's not to say the turbulence doesn't bother me - it does, a great deal. But I'm done with sitting in my seat, rocking with fear and staring out of the window to see how quickly the ground is rushing towards me before impact. And so... I continue with the tap-tap-tapping of living each day as best I can. Trying to rest in God's shalom instead of allowing hysteria to overwhelm me. I say trying.... because there are times when it seems much worse than other days... these are the days when the turbulence threatens to drown me the most... that's when I need God's shalom the most.

Father God, I pray that You will help me to rest in your shalom, because honestly.... I can't always! I pray that You would be with every woman who experiences the turbulence of insecurity and all that it brings: fear, insecurity, hopelessness, intimidation, anxiety etc... replacing this with a deep sense of stillness - Your shalom. Be the pilot through the fogginess and whatever Your plans for everyone of us who longs for a child of our own, be the hope of the future You have destined for us. Oh God, may we really rest in Your shalom. In Yeshua's name. 

Not Your Traditional Christmas

Last weekend, with Christmas just around the corner, I suggested to Hubby that we take his son into London to experience the lights and sounds of Christmas in our capital.... and what better way for him to experience his first ever trip to London. 

So, after a later than anticipated start, we made the three hour car journey south and took Hubby's son on his first ever underground tube ride. He was fascinated when we went underground, and was literally trying to take everything in, but also a little anxious with the newness of the adventure. 

Now there is no denying who My gorgeous stepson belongs to. He is definitely his father's son, and as we experienced the day trip in London with him, there were many things I wanted to linger over, like the Harrods Christmas window displays, which neither Hubby nor his son were interested in. And there were many things they were easily excited by, which I'd have happily done without, like eating in McDonalds, and looking at snow globes! Of course, I completely understood why they would want to get to Hamleys toy shop as soon as they could!

I really tried to get into the Christmas mood, playing Christmas songs on the way down (which neither males wanted to join in with), and stopping for eggnog coffee (which both Hubby and I have become addicted to!), but as always, at this time of the year, little things start to creep in to remind you that although Christmas is a time for children and family, there was a huge aspect of this missing in my life. 

Actually, it was while I was studying the miniature displays Harrods had created, and observing parents with their children, lifting them up to view the displays, while pointing different aspects out to them, that it hit me hardest. Especially as Hubby and Gorgeous Stepson had, by now, become bored and were sitting out of the way on some railings to wait for me. For a split-second, I imagined lifting my own child to look at the miniature mice in various Christmas poses, and both of us exclaiming in total awe and admiration, "Oh wow! Look at that!"

Children are miniature versions of their parents, and I can't help but wonder whether my own Bubba will reflect any of the excitement, joy and wonder I usually (or used to) feel around Christmas? In the past, I have loved it when my parents used to get me and my brothers a bag of chips and we would drive or walk around looking at the different light displays in town high streets, in the front gardens and walls of private home, as well as a special trip to London Town! Hubby and his son are both underwhelmed by this aspect of Christmas tradition, as much as I was enamoured by it all. 

I know Christmas is about more than that - it's actually about Jesus and the act of love He demonstrated when He gave up His throne in heaven and became like one of us.
But looking at it from an infertile perspective it's about what I haven't had yet.... A pregnancy. A birth. A baby. 


Father God, I pray that You would help me, and anyone like me, to focus on the love you demonstrated in such a powerful way. This is what should be important to me. Even though it's a bit of a struggle. Even though I am still childless another Christmas. Even though I don't have the opportunity to create family traditions, or carry on family traditions, or create family memories. Even though it will be just the two of us on Christmas Day, please Lord, help me to enjoy the day... with You as well as with Hubby. I pray You would ease the tension and pressure many childless couples feel at this time, especially those who know you. May this actually be a time of true Shalom during our own Journey for Bubba. And Lord, may You grant some of us the gift we so desperately desire - so that next Christmas, we might enjoy a different kind of day altogether. 

Public IVF Hopeful Story

I love it when you get a good news story! Especially when you get someone who has struggled to conceive, who finally has her dream come true! There's nothing better for building our own hope and faith than hearing of another woman's struggle being drawn to a close.

The Today show - a magazine-style show in The States - has a Style Editor who has been able to use her fame to share her journey with IVF. Bobbie Thomas has had the opportunity to be open about her struggle to conceive, and the need to follow the IVF route, while debunking some of the myths and stigma associated with women trying to conceive via IVF. Bobbie used her social media and the hastag #nomorewhispers to chronicle the hope, the joy, her fears, her pain and heartache as they started out trying for a baby using IVF. She also regularly spoke about the issue of IVF, and invited people to join her on a "live chat" where she would answer questions people may have had about her personal journal or just IVF or TTC in general.

Last week she had the joy of sharing her success with those who follow her, that after the fourth round, she finally had that BFP she and her hubby wanted. So if you are currently walking the IVF path, I hope this story gives you hope as you go through the cycle and face the physical battle each day.


Father God, I pray for Bobbie and her husband Michael, that you would be close to them at this time while the baby develops. Lord God I pray Your protection over mother and child and that no harm would come to either. Lord, I don't know what You actually feel about IVF, but I do know that YOU are the author of life, and I pray that You would give life to this couple who are watching their baby develop. Lord, I thank You for this gift of new life You are developing. 

And Father, I pray for all those who are going through IVF currently, that You would give them strength in their battle, to stand firm when they need You. Lord, I can only imagine what it must be like, but You are right there with them, with each injection, each medication, each hopeful thought or fearful moment. Please put Your arms around each of Your women who are walking this path, and bring them encouragement throughout the cycle. In Jesus' name I ask.

Time Travel?

Today in Church, we had a guest speaker, John Partington. He is the main leader of the AOG denomination our church is a part of, and I usually enjoy when he preaches. Not that I didn't today. But maybe because of what has been happening recently, I found it a lot more challenging today.

Today he spoke on nothing being impossible for God, and he used the example of Abraham and Sarah. When he was 99, Abraham had a visit from God to say, "Hey, Abraham, you're going to be a dad, even though Sara is 90 and you've not been able to have kids yet." Now as someone who has been TTC for a while, this is one of those "fall back" stories I like to go to... that if God can make it possible for Sarah in her 90's to have a baby, then it's not impossible for Him to create life in my 30-something body! Like seriously, I have 60 years on her!

But I know there are times in our journey when it doesn't seem like nothing is impossible, and I'm sure Sarah would have prayed and prayed and pleaded over those 90 years, to have reached the point where she thought, "This is just too difficult, even for God to do."

John said something like, "God always hears our prayers" and my internal dialogue replied to him, "Except when He doesn't" because let's be real there are times when anyone of us can feel that not quite everything is possible for God. It seems like we have flummoxed God with what we are asking Him for.... or maybe that our voice has become lost in the bigger problems of the world we live in. I can understand why Sarah laughed when she heard she was going to have a baby. Especially if she had gone through menopause and had forgotten about wanting to be a mother after all those years.... How long did women remain fertile for back in the day??? Especially as women married much younger then than we do today.

But, as I reflect on this, and it ties in significantly with the Woman to Woman conference I attended last weekend (read more here), I have to find peace in the conclusion, that in spite of how I feel about not having a Baby yet, in spite of how things look, in spite of how many times I pray, God is the only One I can really trust with my life and the road He has me on. I'm not dead yet, which means He still has a plan for my life. And although I feel as though He has forgotten about me, or isn't listening to me, or I have suddenly created this impossible scenario (for God?? Really?? Do I think I am THAT grandiose??? To create an impossibility for the Creator of the world, and of my little life???), that somewhere in it all, I can find peace that God is working things out around me. 

I love to ask questions, and one of the "silly" questions which often gets put "out there" is, "What superpower would you most like to have. I would love to travel through time. I would love to go back in time to the newly-wed Sarah who was watching her friends and sisters having children, and wrestling with why she wasn't having the baby she should be able to conceive, and reassure her, "Hey, Sarah, it's OK.... when you're 90, you're going to be a mum." But it probably wouldn't have been much comfort to the young 20 year old girl. She might have laughed then.... a woman in her nineties becoming a mother..... That's a tabloid headline!! In the same way, I'd also like to travel forward in my own life and find out what happens five years from now, ten years from now. Do I have children? Does God have something else planned?? Does it get any easier to handle???

But I can't travel through time, so I have to keep focussed on the One Who is above and beyond time, and know that whatever happens, He is right with me, reassuring me, and speaking His words of life into my heart. So maybe.... nothing is impossible for God, even changing my heart to line up with His plan for me.


Father God, I'm sorry for when I doubt You, or doubt what You say in Your Word. It's hard to believe when I sometimes expect You to answer my prayers in my way at my time. I don't mean to try to lead You, I need to allow You to lead me. Help me when I start to try to walk in front of You, but Lord.... help me when I am afraid to lean on You and know You are by my side, even if things don't seem to be going my way. In Jesus' name.

Prayer for Kirsty

There's an article in this week's Daily Mail which really hit me. Such a poignant story, and one which I know I have thought about, I don't know about you? One of things I have thought about over the last couple of years is, "What would I do if I got pregnant, after all these years of trying only for Hubby to die before Bubba is born? A bit morbid, I know!!

But the situation I read about this week shows that this does happen. A woman and her husband had been trying to conceive for seven years. He died, and the day before the funeral, his widow, Kirsty, found out that she was pregnant! You can read her story here. 

It is a heartbreaking story, that the one thing they had longed for together, was a baby. Conceived in love and at a time in their lives when they could enjoy being parents, together. Now, she has the hope of new life growing within her, and although she has friends and family around her to share the joy, her husband won't see his beautiful child growing up. A child will never know their father. 

The flip side of this is another article in today's paper, where a woman sued anti-abortionist protesters in Belfast because they added to her distress at an already difficult day... the day she went to the clinic to abort her unborn baby. Hmmm.... The world really is NOT fair! 


Father God, I thank You for the gift of new life You have granted to this woman and her husband, even though her husband was taken from them. Lord, it is hard to comprehend, but You were well aware of the situation before it even happened. I pray You would bring hope and strength to Kirsty as the baby grows within her, and may You give her wisdom and encouragement every day of their lives, that the child would grow and come to know You - the one who has given him or her an unique start in life. I pray that if Kirsty doesn't know You, that Your comfort and love would shine through the darkness, so she would find You, that she would learn to lean on You and be all she can be in You. In Jesus name.