I normally love the Christmas Day service, having gone every year since day dot! As a child I used to love picking out a new toy to take with me to show off when the Pastor called us all forward. As I became a teenager, I would still pick out a gift to take to show my friends, and would help my younger brothers pick out their special toy, then laugh with the rest of the congregation as the children adorably showcased their gifts. There have been so many cute Christmas services, as little girls proudly twirl in their princess dresses and little boys shoot the congregation with their new Nerf shooters! Children really do make Christmas Day special.
This becomes more obvious whenever I sit and watch the "You've Been Framed Christmas Special" with the focus being on the children - their antics, their unwrapping of presents etc, laughing hysterically at the little ones jumping into boxes as they discard the toy and the babies dropping in the Christmas Dinner.
But this year, as I watched the Christmas Special, with Hubby and his son, I began to ponder on the fact that had things been normal with our Journey for Bubba, we would have added a "Baby's First Christmas" bauble to our Christmas tree, and there would be a little one to coo over as we unwrapped our presents. As I watched the babies being filmed by their proud parents, I couldn't help but become saddened by what had not happened during 2012, and the decision I have to make regarding fertility drugs or surgery.
As my Gorgeous Stepson loves YBF, rather than turning the channel, I ended up leaving the room as the adorable images on the TV screen became too much to bear for my aching heart. If it hurt so much to watch strangers kids on the tele, how hard will it be to watch the children of my friends and Church family. Smiling through the broken-heart would have been too much, just a week after the results, so I made the decision to not go.
Did I make the right decision? The time allowed me to focus on the Christmas Dinner for my family, and to tend to Hubby who was ill. It allowed me to ficus my mind on the people around me I love and value, rather than on what I didn't have. It allowed me to concentrate on the day, instead of hankering on what is a difficult journey for Bubba. At the end of the day, after everyone had left, Hubby asked if it had been difficult for me with not having a baby yet, and I was able to say, in all honesty, it hadn't been difficult at all.
I praise God for what He has given to me - a wonderful, understanding and supportive Hubby and family, and the hope that whatever happens, He is in control of my present, and my future. As 2012 draws to a close, and as we look to 2013, I am holding onto my Lord to grant me favour, that one day, He will give me my heart's desire.
Happy New Year!
