The Highs and Lows of Subfertility

When I was younger, I used to love going to the park with my family. Me and my brothers would race to the swings, and compete to see who could swing the highest, or we'd twirl the swings and see who could go the fastest. The swings were my favourite thing in the park.

Hubby and I picked up my gorgeous Step-son and he wanted to go to the park after tea. So we did. The three of us jumped on the swings, and I tried to contain my need to go higher because at seven, he can't quite manage to keep up with me. He then became a bit fearful and asked his Daddy to take him on the "baby" swings, so he could be pushed even higher in the security of the structure of the baby swings.

As I watched them from a distance, over on the big swings, father and son, laughing and giggling, with the occasional cry of "Higher Daddy, push me higher!" I wondered what it would be like to introduce my own child for the first time to the highs and lows of the swing. I smiled as a watched them, and drifted off into the thoughts of my imagination, smiling as I "saw" my own little one, wrapped up against the elements of a cold winter afternoon, giggling with glee at the sensation which comes from the swing.

It doesn't happen very often now that I am well and truly travelling on this path of subfertility, but now and again I allow myself to dream about the future I long for. I know there are no guarantees that the dreams will come true, but I hold on, in faith that what I long for - to be Bubba's Mumma - the Lord will grant to me. After all, faith is the substance of the things we hope for. I my be well into my thirties, but I've not given up on the hope that one day, the Lord will grant Bubba to me. He knows the plans He has both for me, as a hopeful Mumma, and for the Bubba He would entrust to my care.


Father God, when my faith becomes weak, I pray you would grant me the hope to keep it alive, that you would never allow faith for Bubba to completely dissipate - even in those times in the cycle when it becomes hard to see the light for the grief of another month gone, another egg lost, another failed attempt to conceive. Lord Jesus, thank You that You are seated at the side of the Father, where You intercede... even for me and the longings of my heart.