When The Struggle Threatens to Break You

So... things have been a bit quiet recently. It's not easy to discuss anything, or write about anything when nothing is happening. And I don't mean the usual not having a baby type of nothing... I mean the nothing which comes from those times when Hubby and me just weren't getting on, so weren't get it on... if you know what I mean.

I have heard countless tales, and read many a story of couples who had been trying to conceive cracking under the pressure, the disappointment, the frustration, the heartache, the guilt, the anxiety, the blaming... you get the picture. As a step-mum TTC our own child... I kinda "get this"! 

It's more than all the list above... it's the knowledge that Hubby has received the one thing from another woman I am unable to give to him; the feeling of being "outside" in my own home when Hubby and my gorgeous Step-son are hanging out together - there is strong relationship and bond between them, which no matter what, will never include me; the sadness as - more often than not - Aunt Flo and the appearance of my Step-son inevitable arrive on the same weekend; the heartache of "playing" mum once a fortnight, without actually being mum; and the deep conscious awareness that Hubby just doesn't understand why I withdraw sometimes.

Add to this the normal pressures marriage brings with it, and the rhythm of life which can get in the way of the relationship, and we have a two to three month period of... nothing. Even feelings of, "if I'm never going to have a child with this man, what are we going to do?" That kind of fear that we can feel at the prospect of spending time with someone you're not getting on well with, for the rest of your life which coincide with the angry, "I don't want a child with him right now, and it's a good job we don't have a child based on how we are not getting on right now". These all add to the guilt, the fear, the failure and the huge cloud of loneliness which makes the Journey for Bubba sometimes incredibly difficult to handle.


Father God, I lift up to You those couples who are feeling the strain of their Journey to conceive, for whom it is so difficult they contemplate leaving each other and going their separate ways. Lord, I pray that somehow, You would be the glue which holds them together, that anger and bitterness will not take root in their relationship, but that You would cut them off and cause Your love and peace and understanding flood into the heart of every wife and every husband. Lord, at the time when they need You most, and when they need each other most, I ask that You would cause them to lean into you and to lean into each other. Remove any wall which has become a barrier in these marriages, that you would truly allow them to be fully, one in You. In Jesus name