Sex-change Mum's Getting Free IVF

When I read the title of this article it literally caused me to exclaim out loud...not something I normally do: "March of the Male Mums: Women Having Sex Change on the NHS are also receiving FREE IVF". How on earth can it be fair?!!?!

I was denied any kind of NHS help for IVF because my ex had a child from a previous relationship - which was supposed to satisfy my desire to become a mum - but look at this: Women who decide they don't want to be women any more, but want to become a man (with free NHS help), are being given the FREE HELP to have IVF treatment to become a mum!!!!!!!!

Come on!!!!!
Seriously!!!!!

How is this even close to being fair?????

I am woman.
I choose to remain a woman.
God has made me a woman.

Yet my life choice at the time - ie the choice of the man I married - meant I was not entitled to become a mum, but someone who decides they want to stop being a woman and become a ma on the outside, can still exercise the most basic of womanly functions and have a baby - with FREE help from the NHS, and grabbing any old donor's sperm.

So my taxes go to help these people, but I couldn't be helped?????

Sex-change mums are still women on the inside! YOU CAN NEVER change who you are biologically created to be! But stop trying to get me to pay for your decisions. You want a sex change - pay for it yourself. You then want IVF to have a baby - pay for it yourself! Over it!

God seriously!!! This is not your design for humanity. And it most definitely IS NOT fair!!!

Sex-change Mum's Getting Free IVF

When I read the title of this article it literally caused me to exclaim out loud...not something I normally do: "March of the Male Mums: Women Having Sex Change on the NHS are also receiving FREE IVF". How on earth can it be fair?!!?!

I was denied any kind of NHS help for IVF because my ex had a child from a previous relationship - which was supposed to satisfy my desire to become a mum - but look at this: Women who decide they don't want to be women any more, but want to become a man, are being given the FREE HELP to have IVF treatment to become a mum!!!!!!!!

Come on!!!!!
Seriously!!!!!

How is this even close to being fair?????

I am woman.

I choose to remain a woman.

God has made me a woman.

Yet my life choice at the time - ie the choice of the man I married - meant I was not entitled to become a mum, but someone who decides they want to stop being a woman and become a man can still exercise the most basic of womanly functions and have a baby - with FREE help from the NHS.

So my taxes go to help these people, but I couldn't be helped?????

God seriously!!! This is not justice, not your design for humanity. And it most definitely IS NOT fair!!!

When Comments Condemn The People You Represent

Today's papers are reporting a statement Tory leadership contender, Andrea Leadsom has made about her future prospect as future leader of the Tories, and Prime Minister. Which if it is true, really is backward thinking to the highest degree.

And although she may have been comparing herself to her challenger, Theresa May, I feel that actually, she has condemned most women who are unable to have children. Yep. All of us!

"Being a mother makes me a better PM"
Here is a link through Facebook to the Sky News report showing a clip of the interview with these comments.

I'm sorry. But being a mother doesn't give any woman the edge over other women, in the slightest. This comes a few days after Theresa May spoke about her own sadness over not having children. If only Andrea Leadsom had any idea about how much her statement and comments will feel like someone just dug twisting a knife round in the deepest part of Theresa's wound!

Is this "playground politics"?
Haven't we had enough of this over recent months??

To try and say someone is better qualified based on her ability to conceive, condemns those of us who would love to have children, but haven't been blessed with such a gift. We may have failed in that one basic area of life, but don't try and say this would cause us to fail in other areas of life; because the maternal instinct isn't just alive and active in those who have been blessed with a family, the maternal instinct is very present in the rest of us. And we may not have a "long term stake" in the future of the country, not having children to produce grandchildren who will continue to reap from the plans and decisions we make today, but does that make our contribution to society any less valid? We still want the best for our nephews and nieces. And we still have dreams and ambitions we hope to fulfill. And some of us are still believing that one day we will have children and grandchildren who will carry on living life to the fullest after we have left this mortal planet!

I find the comments by Leadsom to be ignorant at best and archaic at worst.

I really hope these will not become the comments which define her, but may she come to know the battle of many of the women she represents as an MP. Women who have their own struggle with the battle of infertility. #1in3 women in the constituency she represents who suddenly find themselves at the wrong end of her opinion.

A Flurry of Media Activity

This week there seems to have been a flurry of media reports about infertility, which is great and really encouraging!

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-3677985/Getting-bun-oven-blogger-Emily-Lockley-speaks-infertility.html

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3677697/Warn-girls-nine-leaving-late-start-family-Expert-says-children-taught-fertility-young-age-ensure-remain-good-shape-baby.html

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-3677718/Fitness-gadgets-track-fertility-Devices-women-24-hour-warning-best-time-try-baby-heart-rate-increases-ovulation.html

When Dreams and Reality Refuse to Align!

According to an article Daily Mail today, nearly a fifth of British women in their late 30's early 40's struggle to conceive (read the article here).

I certainly fit in this bracket, approaching the big 4-Ohhh next year. While the article suggests that one of the reasons for this is down to more women focussing on their careers above starting a family, I disagree that this can be attributed to most of us with a degree! 

I didn't choose to focus on getting my career sorted before starting a family. Life has just worked out that way. I would have loved to have had the chance to settle down with the right guy, and start a family much, much sooner. But alas, our dreams and our reality rarely collide in beautiful alignment, like they seem to do in films! 

In my case - reality was as far apart from my dream, as the east is from the west! But sure, oh great science boffins. Blame women for wanting to have a better life while she waits for the right man to enter stage right, whisk her off toward marriage and to start a family. 

I mean seriously - what is one more element of blame for a woman who is already struggling to come to terms with the fact she seems unable to accomplish the most basic of functions for the woman's body!

The other aspect of the article, which really strikes a chord with me is this - if a fifth of women in our society are struggling / have struggled to conceive, how many women in our Churches are grappling with this reality? 

Transition Hurts

I was in Church the other Sunday, sitting in the sound booth as I was on desk duty. Which was such a blessing actually! I mean, I love doing the desk anyway, and being part of the worship team in that way. But on this particlar occasion I really appreciated

the dark room!

The Pastor was speaking about TRANSITION and at first, I was happily listening to what he was saying, half distracted by a 1 year old girl sitting on the back row directly in front of our window with her dad. She seriously looks like her mum, who wasn't there. We were playing peek-a-boo, I am ready to train that girl up for the sound team! Ha! Did I already say she seriously looks like her mum?

Unknown to me, my brain was processing this factor quite heavily. And wondering what my own bubba would look like, had I been blessed with child. So when the Pastor spoke of TRANSITION my eyes started working with my brain against the professional me. Suddenly I had these unbeckoned tears streaming down my face. I was on duty, for crying out loud!

It just goes to show, even when we don't think we are processing what's happening around us, we are on some level. The failed marriage, the unsuccessful attempt to have children, the desire hasn't lessened just because my circumstances changed. This is a season of transition and a new level of the same journey. Maybe God will bring new insight, but now I am a single woman again still with Endometriosis, still desperate to want to hold my own Bubba, only now in this transitional season, I have to process this in a new light, and....dare I say...cling to God even more tightly in the hope that one day, this particular dream will come true still.


I pray that whatever your dream is, however it looks right now, that you don't lose sight of the love God has for you, and the promise in His Word that He has good gifts to bestow on His children, which includes you and me. I pray that you will know His abundant blessing in your life, even in the middle of an incredibly difficult journey. In Jesus name.

Endometriosis Link to Heart Problems

Well....this is a joy to know!

The Daily Mail recently published an article about a link between Endometriosis and Heart problems. Like we don't have enough to deal with! Read the article here.

When The Door Slams Shut

Not every season of our life will have a happy ending. And neither will they automatically lead into a chapter which will become a happy ending. Life really doesn't work out like that.

And I should know.

I was talking to a couple of my friends last night, and described my current situation like this:
Sometimes a broken dream is like one glass jar which has fallen and broken in front of your feet, but you can easily navigate around the pieces to avoid wounds or injury. My whole life feels completely broken, and I have multiple broken glass jars around my feet, and no matter what I do, or which way I turn, it's going to hurt even more as I walk over the broken pieces.

While the journey for a baby has been incredibly hard, having the door to this particular dream slam shut in my face is really hard to come to terms with. And at the moment, I have no idea how anything is ever going to work out.

Hubby and I have separated.
I promised God I wouldn't go into any kind of details, but would continue to try to honour him, no matter what, although the human in me just wants to rant and let the world know. But like Jesus was silent before His accusers, I will allow the Lord to work things out according to the good plans He has for me.

I know God has used my difficulties to encourage, inspire and bless some of you who have given me the honour of reading my blog posts, so I have decided to keep the blog alive, instead of deleting it. My feelings, my discoveries, my lessons aren't any less significant because my life has broken, and I believe the Lord will continue to bless people like you through this site. Please feel free to have a read around. I may, blog on occasion because the desire to be a mum hasn't lessened, and this new season presents new challenges, which God can use.

In the meantime, thank you for your prayers.
Shalom.

Opening Up The Infertility Converstion In Church!

The end of November was National Infertility Awareness Week. 
I had the honour of writing a guest post for the Premier Christianity Magazine blog about infertility in the Church, which was really good for highlighting the fact that 1in 6 couples struggle to conceive a baby.

It astounds me how little we talk about it in Church, and yet statistically, if one in six couples struggle to conceive, how many couples a suffering in silence in our own friendship circles or Churches?

Isn't it time to talk about it??

Read the article I wrote here.

Sacrificial Lemonade

"When life hands you lemons, make lemonade"

You must have heard that quote. It's a way of saying that no matter what life throws at you, there is a way to overcome it and to make something sweet out of our most bitter experiences. 

I have had the honour of hearing Sheridan Voysey (author of Resurrection Year, his new book, Resilient, will be reviewed here soon) speak three times. Twice within the last month. Sheridan took this concept of "using lemons to make lemonade" in a new, insightful and theologically provocative way. Far from being a glib attitude to "deal with whatever life hands you", this has come from years of walking through the wilderness. And from years of being used by God to minister to people in their brokenness, inspite of his own pain.

When Jesus was on the cross, this was undoubtedly His darkest moment. The heaviness of the burden of our sin laid on His shoulders, as God, His own Father, looked away from the scene of abject pain and misery. There could be no more bitter a lemon handed to anyone. And yet, in His darkest hour, Jesus ministered in the midst of His pain: To His mother and John, He made provision for after He would be gone. To the thief on the cross, He ministered to His soul for the after life. To the Roman Soldier who realised they had crucified the Son of God, Jesus ministered. To those watching, who mocked Him and taunted Him, Jesus extended love, mercy and forgiveness as He ministered. To us, He ministers.

What this demonstrates is that even in the worst situation we can ever face, even there, God can use us to minister hope and healing into someone else's life. The comfort we receive from God we are able to pass on to others. The pain we share, can bring assurance to someone else. Our vulnerability can be the light through which Jesus shines in our brokenness. We create the sweetest lemonade, when we somehow allow the Holy Spirit to use us when we want to hide away the most. This is sacrificial love. This is the impact of a life adventure with God. This is the truth of Jesus' words "don't hide your light under a bushel, a city on a hill can't be hidden."

May you find a way to make lemonade with the Lord, a sweetness beyond the bitterness of this journey of infertility. In Jesus name.

DiaryDolls Pants for Endo-Periods!

Oh my days! Oh my days! Oh my days!
I have found THE most incredibly simple, but highly effective thing EVER to be created for women who suffer the monthly embarrassment of endometriosis!

If you're of a nervous disposition, get squeamish, or feel awkward about discussing a woman's monthly cycle..... Or you know me..... You might want to just click on the link below and then never, ever return to read the rest of this post!! Hahah!

So here is the link: DiaryDoll waterproof pants.

I have written in a previous blog post about special Snowball Undies for the men; so it's nice to know there is finally something specifically for the ladies.

Anyway, I meant what I said before the link...... This is your final warning to stop reading!

Ok... So that might sound a bit weird. But the DiaryDoll waterproof pants were designed by women who have suffered the shame and embarrassment of heavy periods, for women who suffer the shame and embarrassment of heavy periods.

Not just any old women..... Nope! 

Tennis player - Annabel Croft, and TV presenter - Carole Smilie.

Yep..... These wonderful women are the designers of these wonderful invention.

Endometriosis is the bane of all heavy and painful periods suffered since I was a teenager!
And NOW.... Someone has created the perfect way for women like me to protect clothing, bedding, chairs.... In fact... I comepletely understand why God set the "rules" for menstruation back in Leviticus, because of the way I soon learned the most awful lesson, that neither the heaviest tampon, nor longest pad COMBINED could ever compete with the endo-period. Oh my days, so undignified! The "quick check" whenever you stand up, carried out like a professionally-trained, stealth-ninja, whenever you're in public. If you have Endo, you will understand exactly what I mean. 

And so, you will understand my excitement at finding this secret weapon in the monthly battle against leakage.

The DiaryDoll pants have a waterproof layer right through the middle section, all the way round from the front to the back. This layer works with our normal protection (it's not THAT kind of a miracle that we'd never have to wear sanitary products ever again, let's not get silly!), and simply creates a barrier designed to not allow leakage to burst through.

I'm curious to know how successful they will really be, so have just ordered a pair, and will let you know what they are like, probably a little while after Aunt Flo's next visit (Not sure I'm ready to actually share when she arrives.....there is such a thing as over-sharing, you know!).

I really hope they are good as the hype! 

It'll save the embarrassment of having to walk out of a service, or a meeting, carrying my bag, every hour!!!

             

Please note: For the sake of oversharing....this is NOT my order! 

Recommended Reading - Resurrection Year by Sheridan Voysey

One of the most important books I have read this year, is "Resurrection Year" by Sheridan Voysey. In fact, it has been so important, I bought a copy for a friend in the same situation and recommend it to anyone who wants to understand what we #1in6 are going through.

Sheridan shares the journey he and his wife, Merryn, have travelled as they started out: hopeful at the family they would raise together; until they found themselves trudging toward huge barriers to their dream. As with all of us, they tried "every trick in the book", so to speak. 

But this is not a fairy tale, it is real life. Gritty. Passionate. Heartfelt. There's no guarantee of a happy ending, and this is what I love about what Sheridan shares, as he opens up about  the trauma, the pain and the humour of their experience in trying IVF as an option, as well as the heartache when they started adoption processes. Nothing seemed to work. Nothing seemed to help. All the healing prayers with or without anointing oil, by one or a group of people seemed as unfulfilled as the medical treatments.

What I really value about Ressurection Year is that Sheridan doesn't try to jazz up the story. He is authentic about the burden he and his wife carried, and as I read through it, I found the pain of my journey meant I could, to an extent, feel the rawness of his and Merryn's anguish. To the extent that I found it very difficult to read, except in small bursts. A chapter here, a few pages there. I started it in January and finished it in September (just in time to start reading Sheirdan's new book "Resilient" which was launched in October!).

I think Resurrection Year, will always be my "go-to" book, when I feel like I am alone in this walk. And I will always recommend it as an excellent resource to understand infertility & sub fertility. Hearing the testimony from a husband's perspective adds a new dimension to what this journey is all about. So often we can focus on what the women go through, but husbands feel it too. Their dreams are just as broken as ours. Don't forget about them.

Braver Than You Believe...

This being the National (In)Fertility Awareness week has led to some interesting conversations and experiences for me. The latest one at lunch time today, involves someone who doesn't know about my situation, but has probably worked it out. I mean - it's not difficult to work out, is it. I'm married, in my late 30s and childless!

So this guy is one of an army of volunteers who comes into the office where I work in order to help us accomplish the daily work we need to carry out. He will often pray for the team and arrive at the office with a word or encouragement he believes God has laid on his heart for each member of staff. I'm not always sure about the words of prophecy he gives, but the encouragement he brings is nice. 

Today, when there was a quiet moment and the rest of my colleagues were in various parts of the building, he spoke to me and said that he wasn't sure how relevant this was, but he felt God saying to him that I "was pregnant, or was to become pregnant."

I'm not. 

As #1in6, endometriosis has made what should be easy, a flippin difficult path. 

And as hubby and I are having problems - like, serious problems - the path is lonely and not even close to being productive. 

So, it doesn't even look likely to be a "soon-time" thing.

I try not to allow my "heart to harden" when I hear people saying these kinds of prophecy over me, because it is very easy to do. I would like to be as light-hearted as I once was, to freely accept when people tell me this. But pain and the long, hard, slog of this path have led me to be cautious. 

It's not because I don't have faith. 

It's become a matter of self-preservation. 

At least it will give me something to speak to my counsellor about later, when I meet for prayer ministry. Depression has led me to that place where self-preservation and faith have to somehow work themselves out in some kind of weird, harmonious, balance as I tread this path deeper into the unknown. Infertility - the path without a clear, definable end in sight. well there is, I guess... menopause. But I am a long way from that point. So for now, I have to try and find my way as best I can. 

Such is the journey of sub-fertility, as a woman after God's own heart. 

And as two different friends have reminded me, in a card and a wall-plaque they bought separately for me:

Hope Deferred: Depression

One of the hardest things I find about this journey of infertility, is the depression.

It crept up on me.

I didn't even recognise it for what it was, I just kept plodding through life as best I could, till suddenly I couldn't plod any further.  

The understanding of depression, which is caused by our circumstances (as opposed to people who have a chemical imbalance which impacts every aspect of their life) is best described by the writer of Proverbs as:

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick" (13:12)

Depression which is as a result of infertility is most definitely the result of hope deferred. The hope for a baby. The hope for a family. The hope for a future family life. All those dreams of watching your children play, your daughter trying to walk in your shoes, the paintings on the fridge, the home-made cards and letters, and the joy you can share in days out, complete with the frustrations of the car journey. 

The dream which is so long in happening.
The dream which looks as though it will never happen.
The dream which has gripped your heart for so long, it's long bony fingers squeezing ever tighter, squeezing out hope, squeezing out the dream and slowly replacing it with the stone, cold dread that it will never be so. 

And so the heart becomes sick. 

Sickness of the heart. 
Sickness of the mind.
Leading to a sense of disconnect with the life that is happening around you as you wrestle with the desire which should have been so easy, so natural, but which has become so elusive. 

And so the grief of infertility swamps you. 
Grief overwhelms you. 
Depression takes hold of you. 
Till life takes on a different hue - a different tone. 
The vibrancy you once knew now has a subtle grey, dark overtone. 

Hope deferred.

The worst part is that there is no end in sight. 
No light at the end of the tunnel.
No sense of knowing when the "desire fulfilled" will become my "tree of life"
But holding on... believing... hoping... one day...


Father God, I praise You for upholding me on the darkest days, and holding my head up when I just want to hide away. I thank You for Your love and strength, and the promise You gave to never leave my side. I thank You because even though my heart grieves for what has not yet arrived, that I can trust You for my future life.

This Is One Reason Why Infertility Awareness Is Important

As I mentioned in my previous post, this week is National (In)Fertility Awareness Week. After my latest experience on Saturday night, it reminds me more and more, how much we need society to be aware of the #1in6 on this crappy #Infertility journey.

Saturday night I went to a farewell "do" for a couple who are making Aaliyah (they're Jewish and are finally making the move to live in Israel.....in their 60s!). On the way, I realised I needed to put fuel in the car, or I'd be spending my night sitting on the A38!

So after filling up my car, I went in to pay for my fuel, when the "nice, old lady" behind the counter decided to insult me AND break my heart, making sure I had the most awful Saturday night one could ever have wished for.... Highly ironic for "Halloween"!

"When are you due?"
"Sorry?"
"Your baby? When is it due?"
"Ermm it's not...I'm not...errr"
"Oh. Sorry. I just thought."

And then....THEN....I start making excuses in order to not cause her offence and to make her feel better!! Whaaat??!!?
"It's OK, it's the coat. There's a lot of space for winter jumpers."
"Ohh... Oh yeah. The coat."

I just wanted to pay for my fuel and enjoy an evening with friends before they leave the UK! I went to the dinner, but my mask had cracking and people noticed something wasn't right. I left early, after arriving late anyway, and sobbed all the way home, before collapsing on the stairs just inside my front door and wished life was very different. So so different.

Even watching Strictly when I'd calmed down didn't help.

People need to be aware of the high number of couple who struggle to conceive. 

1 in 6 couples!

Would you ask a single women paying for fuel when she was getting married? Awareness should hopefully lead to less ambushes on those of us walking the road of infertility whenever we choose to wear a big, baggy, warm coat on a cold autumn evening!

National (In)Fertility Awareness Week

The National Ferility Awareness Week started on Monday and runs until Sunday. This is an excellent campaign to try and raise awareness of the plight of #1in6 couples who struggle to conceive.

One of the things the organisers, Infertility Network are asking people who feel able to do it, is to take a selfie while holding something saying #1in6.

It's a brave step!
It's a vulnerable step!
It's a difficult step!
But I do see that it is an important step!

So here is mine.

If you are able, join the #nfawuk campaign by uploading your own picture with #1in6 on it. 

Obviously it is better if it's a picture of you as a couple journeying together, but this is not always possible. We don't have to feel ashamed of the journey we're on. It's just the particular train God led us to. Who know what we will enjoy on the way, or where our journey will take us, but God is right there with us, and He is in the driving seat.

Behind The Biblical Story of Ruth - Infertility Journey

The Church I attend in Derbyshire, is currently going through the book of Ruth, and this morning during worship it just dawned on me... Ruth didn't conceive during her first marriage. In fact, that first chapter is all about broken dreams and dashed hopes.

Elimelech took his wife and two sons away from their home in Bethlehem, because there was famine in Israel, during the time of the Judges, because God was dealing with His people for their sin. It was in moving to the "enemy" land of Moab that Elimelech and Naomi held on to new dreams and the hope of surviving the famine unscathed and possibly one day returning to Israel. 

But for Naomi, all her dreams, all her hopes, her very future, her life her everything fell apart. First her husband died - which as a woman in those days was not like today where she would get a widow's pension or something. God had made provision for His people to look after the widows and orphans, but we don't know what provision Naomi would have received as a single mother with two sons as foreigners... As the enemy... Of Moab. 

Her sons, when they were of age, married Moabite women. As a Jewish mother, this would have been challenging for Naomi. A Jewish momma only wants the best for her boys. A nice Jewish wife to bring Jewish Grandchildren for the family heritage to not die out. Oh vey! Moabite daughters-in-law!

Although we don't know how long each of Naomi's sons were married before they died..... It is interesting to note Ruth 1:4: "The two sons married Moabite women. One married a woman named Orpah, and the other a woman named Ruth. But about 10 years later, both Mahlon and Kilion died." 

Can it be deduced that Ruth and Orpah had problems conceiving???

When her husband died, did Ruth, as a woman of child-bearing age realise her dreams of having a family were broken and over? Did she grieve not just the death of her husband, but the hope of her future family? Had they been trying? Had there been problems in conceiving? Had she suffered the shame of infertility before she suffered the burden of widowhood?

When Naomi returned to her home in Bethlehem, she had lost everything. She'd lost her husband, her sons, her hope for grandchildren, her hope as a Jewish mother. Broken. Beside her was Ruth, her daughter-in-law, who'd left behind her Moabite family, had lost her husband, had lost the hope she had as a mother. Broken.

Broken dreams. Broken lives. Hopelessness. 

Sums up some of the feelings of the infertility journey. 

And yet we know God turns everything around for both Ruth and Naomi, restoring them as mothers. Restoring them as women. Restoring the future and healing their past.

New dreams. New lives. Restored hope for a new future. 

This is our God.

This is part of the story of Ruth.

Wow!

Baby Loss Awareness Week

This week is 'Baby Loss Awareness Week'.

Thank God!

Validating those mothers whose babies didn't survive this world and were called home too soon is such an important opportunity for each woman to know her motherhood cannot be taken away from her, even though her child was. 

There is an organisation called SAYING GOODBYE which organises services for those couples who lost a child, through miscarriage, through stillbirth, through early death, through sickness, through accident, through murder. These services are moment when parents can embrace the feelings of loss and grief felt at the loss of their baby, whether they held them or not. If this is something you have experienced, I have known women who attended and found it a moment of God's healing in their lives.

Your son or daughter may be gone, but will never be forgotten. 

I pray Father God's shalom to hold you in His embrace along with the truth that He has never let go of you, and He will never let go of you. He understands your heartache and pain.

Urge to Hug

One of the terms used to describe the feelings which accompany the infertility struggle, relates to our empty arms. The desire to hold someone, to hug and protect and cherish our own, is sometimes so strong, it is a physical representation of the ache in our hearts as a result of our empty womb.

Recently, the desire to hold my own baby has been so overwhelmingly strong, it's hard to explain, and even harder to tell anyone as the desire builds within. The fear of being told, "How do you know what you're missing, you've never had a baby." Or being told I'm just being silly, I think has silenced me on these occasions. The struggle of infertility just seems to be unrelenting and it is such a private emotional journey, to have someone try to diminish my feelings as foolish or silly would add to my sense of isolation on this path.

It feels like a huge drop in the depths of my stomach, my inner man, when I realise this is not going to happen. That I have no child to hold. No comfort to give. No reassurance to offer in the warmth of my arms. It is that sense of dread about the unmet desire which literally falls from my heart and buries itself in the depth of my spirit. 

Especially with all the glowing Facebook posts from proud parents photographing their child's first day at school/ big school etc.

This is part of the journey. A journey which has no light at the end...in fact, there doesn't even seem to be an end to it. And so, it's a case of hiding myself in my Heavenly Father's arms. Resting in the warmth if His embrace and allow Him to wipe away my tears. 

This is, of course, spiritually speaking. How nice it would be to find that comfort in reality too.

Father God, I thank You because You never belittle or minimise our feelings, or the way we allow the journey of infertility to affect us, even after all these years. Father, I pray that when the desire for a baby threatens to overwhelm, that You would overwhelm that sense of dread and hopelessness with Your shalom. In Jesus name I pray.

Dedication Invitation

Most people who know me, know that I spend a fair amount of time in Starbucks coffee shop, using it as my writing base, and my "second office" for anyone who wants to meet me. So it would come as no surprise that I have befriended some of the staff who work there. I think they take pity on me because I can literally sit there for hours! 

Anyway, it came as a huge surprise when I received an invitation to the dedication of the baby of one of the women who worked there (before she left to have her baby, that is). The invitation started, "We would like to invite close friends and family to join us in celebrating our baby girl..." For about three weeks, I wrestled this and wasn't sure they didn't mean to invite a different "Steph". And I usually try to avoid baby related stuff, if I can, because it's just another reminder of what I am missing in my own life. 

The week before the dedication, I messaged my Starbucks friend, actually, I thought had the date wrong and believed it was the next day, but I was able to ask her, "Did you actually mean to invite me?" To which she replied, "Steph, your faith and your relationship with God is so evident and I really admire it. When I was thinking about who to invite, because I wanted my daughter to have a Christian dedication, it felt wrong to not invite you. I knew that I needed to have you with us." 

Wow! 
So from chatting to her when she worked in my second office, from which she added me as a friend on Facebook, God has been using me in ways I had absolutely no idea about, to inspire and encourage her. We will never know how God uses us in the lives of people around us! She continued the conversation by asking about the Church I attend and ended up saying she wanted to come along one day. I really pray she does. Especially as since the dedication things have ended with the baby's father. She is an incredibly strong woman, (she told me a bit of her story during the conversation) and I pray she will find strength in God, and I pray she will know Jesus is there with her, supporting her and befriending her. 

The dedication service was beautiful. Although I think only me and just other people knew the last song, "My Jesus My Saviour", which was funny, because everyone seemed to know, "Shine Jesus Shine"! I literally didn't know anyone else at the celebration, so my friend had arranged for her mum to look out for me. I ended up helping out in the kitchen and that was probably the safest option for me, that trying  to talk to people I don't know about why I don't have any children! 

I thank God that He is able to use me in this way, and to have been considered to be a necessary addition to the Baby Dedication celebration.


Father I pray that my Starbucks friend will find You for herself, and that she would find comfort and a hope in Your Son, Yeshua. I also pray that her baby daughter will also come to faith in You for herself, and that she will be a strong light for You in these dark days, may she inspire her two older brothers and may she draw many to You. In Jesus name.