Laparoscopic Salpingostomy - The Night Before

As the day of the surgery drew near, I was so grateful for the friends who occupied my mind and stopped me dwelling on the fears which threatened to overwhelm me.

Hubby was at work, he didn't finish til 11pm. Tuesday night is the night for our Connect Group (Home Group) meeting, and I went as normal, thinking I would go home and pack for the hospital before picking up Hubby from work.

I actually found it really hard to stay with what was happening during the meeting, and as we were sitting outside, I wore my shades which meant no one was really aware of me zoning out!! I wonder if that's why the celebs wear their shades so much!!

After the meeting, most people left really quickly, and I was about to follow suit, but the Connect Group leader - a friend who has been incredibly supportive through this journey, knowing from real experience how hard it is - asked me to wait so she could sow me some bits around the garden. A bit random, I know, but we'd actually talked about some of her plants earlier. So I stayed while they saw out the rest of the guests.

She showed me around the garden, and we discussed our plants, what worked for us, what wasn't working, and then her Hubby asked if I wanted a drink. When we sat back around the patio, we started to discuss the next day's event and how I was feeling about it. The discussion went on about their own experiences, and they were able to open up about the number of procedures she had had to endure, IVF etc.

As they spoke, I learned something new about them, about how one of the treatments had worked, but they'd lost their baby at 11 weeks. As the Hubby shared, I understood that for him, the pain of what his wife went through had as much of an impact on him as it had on her. Yet most people don't understand the Hubby's perspective - afterall, it's the woman who undergoes most of the physically traumatic experience. But for this man, watching what his wife went through, the joy of becoming pregnant, and the sadness of losing the baby still remain with him - even all these years later.

How often we forget about the Hubby's perspective.

By the time they finished sharing with me, and me with them, I was going to be late picking up Hubby from work. We'd had no idea of how late it was. But for me, this was the best way for me to spend the night before. Sharing with friends, in the presence of the Lord. As I got up to leave, the couple prayed with me, and I felt such a huge sense of peace as I left to pick up Hubby.

Pre-Op Assessment

Oh joy of joys! The week of the operation has arrived. I have to admit, I'm still trying to bury my head in the sand... only because on the one occasion I tried to deal with it, and buy a dressing gown (with matching PJs) for the hospital, I nearly burst into tears at the checkout... and couldn't contain them while driving home! So I think it's safer for everyone, if I stay under the sand!!

Last week, I went for the Pre-Op assessment. I had no idea what to expect, and based my experience on an  older friend who had surgery for something completely different. This is sooo not a good idea.

I was so convinced I would have to have more blood tests and the like, that I worked myself up so much. Instead of resting in God, I allowed my mind to wander and think all kinds of crazy things.., and almost threw up in B&Q car park due to the nerves and anxiety. The procedure itself ended up being no where near as bad as I had billed it to be, in my head! In fact, it was a walk in the park!

My sister-in-law picked me up an hour before, so we could get parked, and grab a coffee before sitting in the waiting area of the Pre-Op clinic. It's always helpful to have someone with you, even to distract you during the times you have to wait. And she was brilliant at this.

So, coffee cup in hand, we arrived at the Pre-Op assessment clinic, and I registered with the nurse on duty. We then sat and waited for a while, to be called. The first room I entered (I visited three different areas in total) contained two female nurses. One was obviously still in training. I was weighed and measured (though they wouldn't let me keep my heels on for that bit) and then invited to take a seat in a chair. They asked the usual, "do you smoke, do you drink" questions, then asked if I'd ever been tested for MRSA before. The older nurse explained, "we need to take two samples from you. One from your nasal passage, and one from your groin." She then proceeded to use a cotton bud type implement to take the sample from my nose... which tickled a bit. Then she started to pull the curtain around the chair I was sitting on. "What I need you to do now, is to drop your jeans, and your undies, so I can take a sample from your groin. I will need to wipe the [cotton bud] on the skin between your vagina and anal passage."

Err.... ok!! Awkward!
That, though, was the worst part about the whole assessment.

As I was leaving, I was handed a sample tube and asked if I could produce a urine sample. As nervous as I was, that would not have been a problem at all!

We then went back out into the waiting area, where we continued our conversation.

The next person I saw was the consultant. He talked me through the procedure, and drew a diagram of the areas he was going to work on in my body. He was very gentle and clear in his explanation. He asked if I had any questions, but I couldn't think of anything. Always the way! I wish I had written down some of the things I had researched on Google! He said after the Op, he would discharge me, basically he was telling me there was nothing else he could do for me. And there were no guarantees the Op will bring the desired outcome for Hubby n me.

We went back out into reception and waited a but longer, before being taken into an office by the male nurse who had booked me in where I first arrived. As I picked up my bag, I muttered under my breath, "Oh, not a male nurse!" but actually, there was nothing involved which was awkward. Before you arrive for your appointment, you are sent a six page questionnaire to complete, asking about everything relating to your health, your family history, previous operations, complications, blood relatives complications etc.. So this nurse just went through the questionnaire with me, adding my answers onto the screen and asking for clarification where necessary. Like one of the questions was "Do you have any allergies?" to which I had written, "Clomid and dogs" He asked what Clomid was, "a fertility dog".. then he asked about the dogs thing. My Sis in Law started to giggle... dogs! I was like, "well you never know... one may appear in the operating theatre" the nurse replied, "I doubt it... not the four-legged variety anyway!" which had us all in stitches!

After that I was released until the day of the Op itself.

Urgh!

Acceptance

OK, so I have come to the conclusion that the impending operation could actually be a good thing. As much as I am loath to admit this, I have to accept it. for me, the biggest thing, is no longer about clearing out my blocked Fallopian Tube, it has become about learning the extent of the condition I have in order to understand the pain I feel.

I am "simple folk" really.It is a fact that endometriosis causes pain, which I often experience at the most inappropriate times - like after intercourse (poor Hubby feels absolutely awful when he notices the silent tears which force themselves down my cheeks uninvited!). But in my body, there isn't a real understanding in my head about why I can often be in so much pain, I have to drive with a hot water bottle hidden under my top, or be at work, and excuse myself to the toilet to hide, because the pain has been that intense, that sudden it brings tears to my eyes.

In this regard, I welcome the laparoscopic salpingostomy for the answers it will bring. And in this respect - I think I do need to have this procedure. As the pain intensifies, I have reached that place of needing to fully grasp why. I know what I know about endometriosis from the internet and great sites like, The Infertility Network or Endometriosis UK and I praise God for women who have walked this read before me who have recognised the need for answers and understanding.

But I need to know what is happening in my own body. As much as I am loathe to admit that this procedure is necessary in my Journey for Bubba.

Bad Dream - Bad Thoughts

I woke this morning, after having had a bit of a bad dream.... It wasn't really a nightmare, or bad dream in the sense of disastrous, scary or anything like that. More of an emotionally bad dream which had an upsetting affect on my day. It's funny how we allow things which we know are not true or not real to have an impact on our reality. But there we go. Today I did.

In the dream I was sitting in Church when a lady came forward to "give a word" - it wasn't a lady I knew, more of a faceless woman who had something to say. And her words were the things which had an affect on me, "You know, there are people who just seem to be amazing at everything, you know, people who just seem to be blessed in so many ways, like **my name**. She can write, has had a book published, she can teach and preach, she can sing, she can organise... and yet, God seems to be withholding His greatest blessing from her life...The gift of her own child. We have to wonder why!"

She didn't get any further, as she was bundled away from the front of the Church, the mic taken off her, and my friends gathered around me - I'm not sure if it was to stop me scratching her eyes out, or what - but that was the dream. I woke up. And these words have stuck with me all day.

I know they weren't physically spoken to me, but I know that they are a spiritual taunt. And I have to admit, there are times when I have wondered this. Why God has blessed me abundantly in so many ways, and yet why He seems to be holding out on this. The word of God says, "No good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly" (Psalm 84:11). And I know I walk as uprightly as any of us can on any given day in this fallen world. I'm not perfect. None of us are.

But here I am, a little over three weeks away from having laparoscopic salpingostomy. Facing the prospect that for Hubby and me, this operation is last chance saloon, because we don't have any other options. What if, even after this surgery God still withholds His greatest gift from me. How does a woman learn to live with that.

I know there have been words of encouragement and prophecy spoken over me recently, but as I said, this morning's dream has had an affect. And there are days when we are faced with our own immortality - for we are not God, no matter how far science advances. God alone is God.

Prophetic Fuschia - A Word for Someone.

OK, so I don't claim to be a prophet, or anything like that, and this is the first time this has really happened in relation to this blog, but I really feel that the Lord has given me a word for someone reading this. Now bearing in mind i don't know who reads this, I think it's amazing that God has chosen to use me to encourage you. So here goes.

In my hanging baskets last year, I added a couple of fuschias to add some colour and height. They looked amazing and served the purpose for which I had bought them, last summer. I don't know much about plants, so when the hanging basket died down in the late autumn, I just assumed I would need to buy more annuals when the time came for it in the late spring. Not thinking anything more about the mass of dead branches, and withered leaves which clogged up the hanging baskets at the front of my house. I suppose if I was a bit more savvy, I'd have created some kind of winter display, instead of leaving the dead stuff!

Skip ahead six months, and it's time for me to work on this year's display, so off I trundle one Bank Holiday to the Garden Centre and invest in a range of plants, some annuals and some perennials (this grow back year after year, so I'm told!!). I bought a load of soily stuff and with the help of some helpful random bloke who was minding his own business, I manage to get everything into the back of my car, and home!

It was such a gorgeous day as I sat on the patio, clearing out the old baskets and replanting the new stuff into the new soil, and I chatted with the Lord while I worked. When I picked up the third basket, I started to tip the old dead stuff out, when suddenly I looked closer at what was inside. The fuschia, which I had assumed was dead, had a couple of bright green leaves sprouting on it. There was life, where I thought there was death.

Someone reading this has been thinking that their womb is dead, because it is not doing what it should be doing. I had thought the fuschia was dead because it looked dead in the basket - I had thought it wasn't doing what it should have been doing - even though I had left it outside throughout the cold, hard winter we have just had.

You may have experienced a cold, hard "winter" in relation to your desire to start a family, and you may not have thought your womb was able to produce life, having only experienced death, but God is telling you that where you thought death was, He will bring life. Your womb is not dead. It will sprout new growth. Your womb will bring forth the life for which God created it. don't "throw it away".


Father God, I pray You will lead the right person / people to read this post who You have spoken this word over. And I pray that you will cause life to spring up in the womb which has been considered, or pronounced as being "dead". I pray for those wives of Husbands who are affected by fertility issues, that they too would experience life in that which has been thought of as being dead. Lord Jesus, I pray You would breathe life into couples whose hope is in You. In Jesus' name.

Devotions at Work - Encouragement From God

I am blessed in my work environment, in that I work for a Christian organisation, and every morning we start with devotions. Depending on who is leading it, this is either an informal discussion, or a formal teach (usually when the Boss leads it!!). When the office based team are doing it, we tend go through a book, chapter by chapter.

This morning, the Boss chose one of the passages which has been one of the foundational Scriptures for my own Journey of Faith. 1 Samuel chapter 1 which relays Hannah's struggle with TTC, and the moment she encounters God answering her prayer (I've written about Hannah in a number of posts on here, including this one, this one and this one)!

Now, I have never spoken to him about it... the most I had to tell him was a couple of weeks ago when both me and my colleague who are both working on a major project due for the beginning of July were facing operations at the same time (for different reasons). We had to explain what was happening and tell him we'd come up with a contingency plan, just in case we were both off at the same time. All he knows is that I am facing an Op for Gynea reasons!! No detail!!! It wouldn't take a genius to work it out though... I'm married, of child-bearing age (just), facing an operation and childless!!! So, to me at least, it is kinda obvious there may be an issue!!

So, if he doesn't know about my Journey for Bubba, God obviously laid it on his heart to bring it to the Staff Devotions for a reason. And as we read around, I was struck by the relevance of 'my' verses. So, I'm going to share a couple of them with you, which I ended up reading as the group read "around the table":

V12: As she continued praying before the Lord, Eli observed her mouth.

OK, so there's nothing glaringly obvious in that verse... I'm not sure there's really anything to observe about my mouth... but God observes when I talk with Him, and hears what I say, even when others are completely oblivious to my praying.

V17: Then Eli answered, "Go in peace, and the God of Israel grant your petition that you have made to Him." 

V27: [Hannah said to Eli] "For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted me my petition that I made to Him."

Both of these verses are INCREDIBLY relevant and on-point!!! Of all the verses I could have ended up reading within the group - these are the two which are so significant in terms of where I am at and my Journey for Bubba. The first one - is the high priest telling Hannah her prayer has been answered, even before she and her Hubby got together a few days later.

The second verse is a few years later, after the child has been conceived, born, and weened and Hannah confirms that the Lord indeed had heard her heart-cry, which the High Priest confirmed to her, and now here she was a living testimony saying almost word-for-word, exactly what Eli had said to her.

This, for me, is being added to my faith arsenal... that the Lord has indeed heard me, and will grant my petition made to Him, so that in the years to come I will proclaim as Hannah before me, "For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted me my petition that I made to Him."

Fast Forward Please??!

If only it was possible to hit a 'fast forward' button in life now and again. It would be so much easier to deal with stuff if I could just hit that button and avoid it altogether!!! You know what I mean???
If I could, I'd skip to the part where I'm a real mum and holding my own Bubba!!!

But it seems that God, in His wisdom, hasn't designed life like that... Probably because we'd miss out on so much, like the comfort He gives us, the encouragement He brings or even the lessons He teaches. Not to mention the opportunity He gives us to stand strong in Him when we're at our weakest moment!

It turns out that my body, for this month, has thrown in the towel... At least according to the ovulation tests it has. It was like, "sorry girl but this month the egg ain't even gonna be released - I'm tired of fighting - need time out!"

I don't blame it really, how often I have wondered what happens to those eggs which can't get past the blockage in the Fallopian Tube. It's really sad though, because ovulation is the reason for Auntie Flow and for the hope each month and gives me reason to hang on that in spite of the blockage, it could still happen because that's what ovulating is about.

Oh well... That leaves one more month to TTC before I have to have the op to unblock these tubes of mine. One more chance to conceive without any medical intervention.

The countdown to the laparoscopic thingy is underway! If only I could hit that button now...!