I've read stories of the women who have used these kits, and they become the "bridezilla" of the TTC world...! Some of the women admit that they end up losing the natural desire for intimacy with their Hubby, because their sole purpose becomes to conceive and make sure the time is right.
We are blessed, in a sense, that living in this century, we have all these tools and resources available. I can't imagine what it would have been like TTC before a woman's fertility was fully understood. I feel a sense of guilt now, at not being able to have a baby naturally, but back then, a woman didn't just feel guilty - she was outwardly blamed for her barrenness. I mean, look at Henry VIII's poor wives. When they didn't produce a male heir, or even a female one, she faced the prospect of being be-headed or divorced. That's pressure!
But even within the Church, before we really allowed for God's awesome grace, a woman was blamed for not being able to have a baby. Not only does she carry the grief of the struggle of the journey she is on, but she has to face the agony of believing she had done something so bad God wasn't pleased with her - and EVERYBODY knew about it.
At the back of my head, when I first started on this path, I did think that everything would be OK, because I have God on my side, which is why I think I wasn't so offensive in my battle to conceive. I thought God will make it happen. The only tool I used was a fertility chart application on my phone which would tell me each month when I was most fertile and the day it considered I would ovulate, based on the data I input. But now, with having ordered the ovulation test kit, it feels as though I have been made to take the step I had been trying to avoid. The step of accepting that I am one of the many women who are struggling to conceive naturally, and so I need to use intervention techniques. I want to try to keep the path as "natural" as I can for as long as I can, but without throwing away the future I long for.
What I really want is to hear from God. But at the moment, He is silent. I don't have a verse, I don't have a Word, something which will give me an idea of what decision I should make. I don't even have the promise that I will have a child. Does it mean then, that God's silence means it is not in His plan for me to be a Momma??
This is such a lonely journey, but the fact I have had to order the ovulation test kit, has made it feel even more lonely, because it has become even more real... even more arduous. I don't even know why. I think because it is hitting home. A blocked tube. Only every other month is a worthwhile opportunity to conceive Bubba. I may have been TTC for 18 months, but in terms of my body, I've only been TTC for 9 months, because my stupid reproductive system is flawed... is broken... is not working properly.
Oh Lord, where are You??? Please speak to me. Will my story end the same as the stories of the barren women in the Scriptures - Sarah, Rachel, Hannah, Elizabeth... they all conceived didn't they? We never meet a woman who was barren and didn't end up having any children, do we?? All journey's have an end point as much as a beginning point, and I know what I want the end of this particular story to be!
Maybe the ovulation test kit will help Hubby and I achieve this before we have to make the decision about my next step! Ha! Only the Lord knows.
