Bad Dream - Bad Thoughts

I woke this morning, after having had a bit of a bad dream.... It wasn't really a nightmare, or bad dream in the sense of disastrous, scary or anything like that. More of an emotionally bad dream which had an upsetting affect on my day. It's funny how we allow things which we know are not true or not real to have an impact on our reality. But there we go. Today I did.

In the dream I was sitting in Church when a lady came forward to "give a word" - it wasn't a lady I knew, more of a faceless woman who had something to say. And her words were the things which had an affect on me, "You know, there are people who just seem to be amazing at everything, you know, people who just seem to be blessed in so many ways, like **my name**. She can write, has had a book published, she can teach and preach, she can sing, she can organise... and yet, God seems to be withholding His greatest blessing from her life...The gift of her own child. We have to wonder why!"

She didn't get any further, as she was bundled away from the front of the Church, the mic taken off her, and my friends gathered around me - I'm not sure if it was to stop me scratching her eyes out, or what - but that was the dream. I woke up. And these words have stuck with me all day.

I know they weren't physically spoken to me, but I know that they are a spiritual taunt. And I have to admit, there are times when I have wondered this. Why God has blessed me abundantly in so many ways, and yet why He seems to be holding out on this. The word of God says, "No good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly" (Psalm 84:11). And I know I walk as uprightly as any of us can on any given day in this fallen world. I'm not perfect. None of us are.

But here I am, a little over three weeks away from having laparoscopic salpingostomy. Facing the prospect that for Hubby and me, this operation is last chance saloon, because we don't have any other options. What if, even after this surgery God still withholds His greatest gift from me. How does a woman learn to live with that.

I know there have been words of encouragement and prophecy spoken over me recently, but as I said, this morning's dream has had an affect. And there are days when we are faced with our own immortality - for we are not God, no matter how far science advances. God alone is God.