I can't help but feel, sometimes, that maybe it is my fault I am not pregnant yet. So many other women seem to get pregnant so easily, without really trying, without even meaning to... and yet I am unable to conceive. I'm not grossly overweight, I eat healthily, I could do better with exercise, but I have seen women in a worse condition that I conceive without a problem.
But it all sunk in my heart the other night when I had, probably a defining moment, in this journey... and the guilt has well and truly set in!
One day last week I felt really nauseous, every evening for about four days in a row. On the third day, I felt so awful I was struggling to sleep because I felt so sick. At around 5 in the morning, after a fitful 20 minutes of rest, I had a sudden dreamy, sleepy thought... this could be it... sickness, not sleeping - I could be pregnant. In a blind panic, my heart started pounding, as I thought, "Oh my goodness, I don't think I can do this!"
Then I started spotting the next day.
Was my overwhelming panic, and selfish thought about having a bad pregnancy experience the reason for not being pregnant? Am I really not ready, so God still can't release Bubba to the world through me? I feel so afraid at the idea of becoming pregnant - of the changes I know will come to my body - it scares me... the fear of what is to come, I mean. I keep reading articles about new mums, or the affects of pregnancy on the body, the challenges to new mums, including the debates over to breastfeed or not to breastfeed... there is soooo much to consider! Least of all the fear of the actually birth itself!!
I have never handled pain very well - even a mere paper cut is enough to bring tears to my eyes!!! The idea of change, change which I can't predict or really adjust to, is difficult to face. But to have responded with blind panic at the idea of being pregnant, when Hubby and I are TTC - this was not a reaction I would ever have considered.
So, the guilt sets in, as I face this new pressure - my own failings in dealing with the idea of becoming pregnant... maybe conquering my fear, is the next step I should be taking in this journey!