God Does Care....

There comes a point in every Christian woman's life when you realise you've being doing it alone for so long, you've actually been doing it alone.

Without God, I mean.

When circumstances: choices you made, choices made by other people, even the stuff we believe "God controls" which are beyond our comprehension, weighs heavily on our hearts, our minds, our basic understanding of life, I am convinced this can create a new kind of burn-out.

I have literally just finished watching a really cheesy 80's chick flick about Romy and Michelle's high school reunion. These two twenty-something women were so desperate for the old school "AGroup" to like them, they were prepared to hide who they really are, just to fit their perception of what the cool girls would see as "successful".

And yet, here I am, with my own idea of "success" so heavily damaged and on the precipice of never happening, that I have been trying to hide it from myself, and others, for so long, I have recently experienced emotional "crash and burn". Not because I was desperate for others to like me or anything.... But because the whole journey of infertility is not one I should be constantly "banging on about", I should just "deal with it" and carry on with whatever life God has set out for me. Oh this is the bit no one wants to talk about when we discuss the failure of the dream for children, for a family. The constantness of it. The fact that it never goes away. The fact that there are times it can still be so incredibly overwhelming, even after all this time. 

A couple of weekends ago it was the annual conference for work. On the last day, two women who are old enough to know better, made parting remarks to me like, "Hope it all goes well!" While smiling encouragingly, hand on their own bellies while looking across at mine. The curse of having problems like endometriosis and gluten intolerance creating a beautiful little balloon bump at the most inopportune moments, which falsifies the look you actually want and gives a very wrong impression!

That week, was the beginning of the crash. Not because of the things they said. No.... In a sad way within Church, this becomes the norm and one of the first things you learn to deal with. No, it was a culmination of the OTHER problems which rarely get discussed, including the toll infertility takes on your relationships. With yourself. With Hubby. With God.

And so now, two weeks later, while listening to Christy Nockles, I realise that I have been forced into carrying myself through this as a result of Hubby's withdrawal, and my subsequent withdrawal from God. By carrying myself, I actually mean dragging myself along the floor! 

Not only can infertility kill your dreams, it kills your sense of identity, your hope, your trust and faith in a God who genuinely cares, hears and has a future lined-up for you; and the relationship with a Hubby who has a son, and so can't relate to the pain of having no child of your own. And so the cycle spins round and round, loneliness, emptiness, broken dreams, broken promises, wondering what will be, wandering further away. 

And all this in secret!

No one must know! 

No one must see beyond the mask and appearance that we are doing ok, that we are trusting God, that our marriages are intact and our future is secure. 

The secret life we live in our heart and mind to which we stop inviting God to sit in with us, at least, we thought we had. There's only so much we can hide from God. There's only so much weight we can bear. There's only so much of a load we can carry in our own strength, until we break.

And then in His gentleness and mercy, He bends down His face to ours, wetting His cheek with our tears, scoops us up in His arms, and pours out His healing balm into the depths of our wounds, pouring His shalom into our anxious, troubled hearts, and lifts us out of the pit of despair, raising us up to stand once again in His strength, rather than our own, reminding us that we are not alone, He has never left us, and the battle is not ours to fight by ourselves. Even though it feels like it at times. Keep your eyes on Jesus.... He turns His face to yours, gazing into your pain and emptiness and will remain there with you for as long as it will take. He cares. He knows. He loves you. He is with you.

Swap Mornings

The other night, I was texting a friend of mine about a convenient time for us to call and speak to each other the next day about a project we are both involved in. When I say friend, he's not someone I know locally or meet up regularly, more as a result of Church projects we have both been involved in over the years; but he did buy a box of Krispy Kreme donuts and so was the start of our new beautiful friendship! 

So, the conversation went a bit like this:
Him: "You could call around 8:45am."
Me: "Hahahahaha!!! Seriously? No later slot??? #OffWork"
Him: "lightweight! I have 3 kids.... That's not early! 😅😅"
Me: " I don't have any excuses for losing out on a late start!!! Hahaha!!!"
Him: "So jealous!! ☺️"

I know he wouldn't change his situation just for the sake of a lie-in, he absolutely adores his kids, and even when he's doing stuff on stage, he will show off pictures and tell stories about them within his presentation. 

I, on the other-hand, would give up all the lie-ins for the joy of having a family....and I am, genuinely, "so jealous!!"

Insensitive Opinions Rant

One of the things which I keep hearing being said more and more frequently recently, is really rather annoying, and incredibly insensitive. 

There seems to be this "thing" going round Christian circles at the moment, which states that Christians who struggle to have their own children, should just adopt, because there are so many children out there who have been orphaned or neglected, and it would be the perfect way for couples who can't have a child to feel the reward of being a parent.

Needlesstosay that most of the people who have said this (either to me directly, or within earshot) are parents. I.e. they have their child and so cannot possibly add to their family by taking in an orphaned child, but the "perfect" cure to the problem is for couples who can't have children to "step up to the Christian duty". 

Oh really!

Because you parents are obviously aware that it is so easy to deal with the pain of not being able to have a child, by looking after someone else's child! Of course! Silly me!

Oh, and thank you for adding to the guilt that women like me, who are desperately TTC but can't, already feel when we cannot give our husbands the blessing of a child. Our own child. Conceived in love. Conceived between the two of us. So I now have to contend with the guilt of being a "bad Christian" because I haven't reached the place where I am fully ready to let go of my dream to hold my own baby in my arms, and bring into my life, or my home, a child who has been given up for adoption, for one reason or another. 

Seriously??

Is this now my fault as well!

Adoption is not solely the responsibility of the Christian couple who cannot conceive. In my humble opinion, adoption shouldn't be used as a "cure" for the pain a woman feels at not being able to have her own baby. A child is a precious gift from God, not a tool for us to use for whatever reason. 

In my humble opinion, adoption should be considered as and when any couple is ready to discuss or consider the potential of welcoming a child into your family. On its own merits. Not as one of the "tried and tested" methods ("get a dog / a cat / adopt or foster a child and you'll be so relaxed you'll conceive in no time"... yes, people do say that kind of thing!!!) of how other couples who couldn't have a baby, ended up having a baby!

For where I am at, in my Journey for Bubba, the idea of adoption isn't one I am yet ready to thin about. It hurts too much to think I won't have my own child. That doesn't make me a bad Christian, or a selfish Christian, or an unworthy Christian, It makes me human, and one who is walking day-by-day in the arms of my Heavenly Saviour Who has promised He won't let go of me, no matter how tough it gets. He doesn't condemn me... so why should anyone else's opinion attempt to condemn me. 

Rant over!

Becoming Defensive

The thing is with hopelessness, is that it causes you to become defense. Well, that's what I have been finding, anyway.

Since learning that I am not able to have any kind of treatment to help me conceive, there's been a sense of denial within me. Not that I would ever verbalise what I think, but I can't help but become defensive. Like when someone said to me a few weeks ago, "You'd make a great mum", my thoughts were like, "No I wouldn't, I'd be terrible - I'm too selfish and hate mornings. No wonder I haven't been able to conceive." Or like when I was holding a friend's new born, and her step-dad said, "suits you", I was thinking, "Only because I can give her back, I couldn't do this all the time." Or when I see the stories on Jeremy Kyle where there are mothers who put themselves first, and don't like to make sacrifices for their children, I start to think, "I'd probably be exactly the same, which is why I've not been allowed to have a baby yet." Or when I'm out with friends who have to curtail their outing to get back to pick up the kids from school/relieve the babysitter/look after a poorly child, I start to think, "I'm so glad I haven't got to do that, I can just relax, maybe get another coffee. My life is at my pace, no one else's".

Maybe I'm the only one who thinks like this. Maybe I'm not.
I'm just gonna be real about how I feel! And as I've said before, this is not an easy journey.

Deep down, I know that none of the above is true, but it seems that my emotions have taken on this tack in order to try and make some sense of the situation. Or lack of a situation. Having studied Psychology up to a degree level, I know that these thoughts and reactions are actually just defense mechanisms my psyche has kicked in.

I don't like it, really.

But it's harder to go around pretending everything is OK when it isn't, and masking over my emotions altogether.

I don't want to beat myself up, or dismiss some of the kind things people say, but then I also can't linger in sadness and depression at the unfairness of this journey either! It's hard to know how to handle things, like the guy who said "suits you". He has no idea of the journey I'm on, so his remark to him was just a throw away comment, but in the past, when that has been said to me, it has caused me to break down and run to the toilet sobbing. I can understand, therefore, why my brain has worked out this defense mechanism in order to handle things like that.

I don't know if it's 'right' in God's eyes. I'm not sure what these thoughts 'say' to God, or how they affect my level of faith in this journey. I honestly don't. But can I beat myself up about that too?? For now, this is what has been decided on a subconscious level, and I hope that somehow, through it all, the Holy Spirit will move into the defensive thinking, and pour out His oil of comfort on the hurt and sadness I know has been building up inside over the last couple of years. If the defense system is destroying TRUE FAITH, then I pray that God will teach me a new way of handling things, from the subconscious level out.

TV Debate About What Age Women Should Stop Trying to Conceive

The other day, I had a moment to actually sit down, longer than five minutes, so I thought I'd stick the TV on for a bit, and ended up watching "The Alan Titchmarsh Show". The only reason I ended up watching this, was because of the promise of debate between two women arguing for and against an age limit on women becoming pregnant. 

So when the time came for the debate, I was interested in hearing what would be said. The two women arguing were Samantha Brick, who is currently undergoing IVF at the "ripe old age" of 42, and a young twenty-something who has already had her two-point four children. 

Samantha shared what she had experienced and how she'd ended up walking the road to IVF. She voiced many of the thoughts and longings women who struggle to conceive express. She gave lots of factual information, including the fact that many women haven't purposely left it late to conceive, it's just the direction life has taken for them. She also shared stories of what it takes to have a desire to be a mum, and yet have that desire unmet.

Then the floor was opened to her challenger. Her basis for condemning women over 35 from being a mother is because she was born to older parents, and had to grow up without grandparents. Seriously! She was more bothered about not having grandparents, than the fact that her parents had struggled to conceive her, and so she decided that any woman over 35 is being selfish by having a baby, because they would deprive their child of grandparents.

As the show is pre-recorded for the Friday afternoon show, there was no opportunity to have a viewers contribution to the debate, which is a huge shame. I would loved to have added my "two-pennies worth" into the mix!

The fact is that, sadly, none of us are guaranteed of long life... A young couple in their twenties could have lost both their parents, while a couple in their forties could still have both of theirs living and active. Age is not a determiner of whether grandparents are around or not. So to decide that women over 35 are more at risk of damaging their children because they won't have the opportunity to forge a relationship with grandparents, is a crazy way of judging the suitability of a couple to become parents. 

The most shocking thing, at the end of the debate the studio audience were asked to raise a coloured paddle to show which side they agreed with. Thinking that Samantha had been less subjective and more structured in her argument, I was convinced that she would win over the votes of the audience, who were mainly older women. But alas, I was wrong. The audience seemed to agree with the young woman and condemned women over 35 as being selfish for wanting to have a baby! It seems that all those grandmothers in the audience couldn't bear the idea of not being a grandparent - which I understand, to an extent.

But, I'm so relieved there is no law against Hubby and I trying for our Bubba. As if it wasn't hard enough knowing I am disappointing my parents, as well as Hubby, as well as myself in this struggling to conceive, there are people out there who are prepared to condemn my desires, and stick a nail in the lid of the coffin, to stop us from having a Bubba! Wow! Where's God's grace in all this!!

This is National Infertility Awareness Week

So today is the first day in what will become an annual awareness week each October, launched by patient-charity Infertility Network UK to support its Talking about Trying campaign.

It is hoped that by holding the week-long National Infertility Awareness campaign, the issues which affect as many as 1 in 6 people, in their struggle to conceive, more people will begin to understand the illnesses which causes subfertility, providing much needed support for those who are dealing with this in their lives.

As someone who likes to help raise awareness of stuff affecting women, I found it quite telling that when it came to raising the profile of "wear it pink day" for the Breast Cancer campaign, I didn't think twice about clicking "share" or posting inspirational testimonies. But when it comes to fertility problems, I found myself hesitating over the posts appearing in my newsfeed, wanting to share the post, but holding back. 

Even when it came to writing an article about National Infertility Awareness Week for one of the Christian papers, I hesitated before writing the one sentence about my own situation. Then deleted it. Then reinserted it. Then paused before hitting the "submit" button. Why is it so much harder to be open about my own struggle with infertility, but not about my brush with breast cancer (I found a lump in one of my breasts when I was about 25. It turned out to not be cancer, but we decided to remove it anyway).

There's such a stigma associated with being "infertile", even to this day, that to admit I am one of the 1 in 6 people struggling is hard to do. I want to, in order to be a support to any of my other friends who are in a similar situation, but I don't want to be on the receiving end of awkward conversations, or pity. Nor do I want to be avoided because others are not sure how to handle my situation!

My aim, by the end of the week, is to re-post something relating to the Infertility awareness week. To step out from the shadows, and brave the responses of others. Why should I allow the reactions of people to hold me back - and who knows, there might be another Prayer Warrior added to my "Battle for Bubba"!!

Apart From You

We have to be so careful with how we speak to one another, especially when we don't fully know what people are going through. What seems like a simple statement to us could crush your hearer unintentionally.

I was at a meeting about a new ministry which was starting in the Church. I know the woman who was talking to the group of nine had no malice behind what she said - to her it was just a statement of fact. To me, it was a loaded, weighty reminder of the fact that I am different.

"Apart from **my name**,we all have children."
Her point was that when praying with someone, we need to treat them as "sons and daughters", and making the point that apart from me, everyone else in the room knew how to relate to that from experience with their own children.

I may not have children of my own, physical children, I still know how to treat others as if they were my own child. Having been a Youth Leader, this hopeful Mumma knows how to "mother" young men and women in the Kingdom of God.

For a moment, I zoned out of the meeting to talk to God, and compose myself.It wouldn't do to burst into tears! Then continued in the meeting with what she was saying. After the meeting, I had the opportunity to speak to her in private and put things right in my spirit, by confronting how I had felt by what she'd said head on, instead of allowing it to take root and fester inside me.

When we are hurt by something someone has said to us, because they genuinely don't know what we are going through, don't realise the enormity of what we are going through or are that handful of people who are just ignorant about other peoples feelings, it's important for us to set down our offering at the altar of the Lord, and to be reconciled with our brother or sister (Matthew 5:23-25). The enemy would love nothing better than to alienate you from the very people who could support you, and what easier way than through words... for "death and life are in the power of the tongue" (Proverbs 18:21). Especially unintentional words.

This is not about becoming confrontational, or blaming others for our Journeys of Infertility - It's about building and maintaining the relationships with the people God has placed in our lives - especially in our local Church family- remember the torments Hannah endured from her "rival" wife. Within the Church family we have been placed in, no one is there to be our "rival" or our "tormentor", (if you feel that this is genuinely occurring, you may have to deal with it directly, by speaking with your Church Leader). It's also about not allowing anger, frustration or bitterness to take over our minds or emotions... this journey is tough enough with adding to it.

Romans 12:18, As far as is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with one another.

A Word from God For Your Own Journey

If you have read my previous post (if you haven't then you should, or this one won't make much sense!!!), and are in a similar position to me - in that you are trying to conceive, why not consider praying and asking the Lord to speak to you - or to speak to a friend on your behalf - about your desire for a child. If you are going to ask about a friend, it needs to be a genuine friend who is in a relationship with God. Someone who you can trust, who you know won't just tell you what you want to hear, but who will be able to be real with you about what God has said to them. 

I've had "words" spoken over me before, but as I didn't really know the person, or didn't really know where they were coming from in their walk with the Lord, I didn't really accept what they said. For example, someone told me toward the end of last year, that Bubba would be coming sooner than expected. I think the "word" came from their embarrassment at thinking I was pregnant because of the fat on my belly, rather than it being a genuine word from the Lord.

When it comes to prophecies, it is important we are able to test everything against the Word of God. I know my friend has a great relationship with the Lord. I know she has exercised her gift of prophecy in the past, and I know that - like me - she tends to have dreams from God. This is why I know I am able to accept the message she sent to me, and add it to what the Lord spoke to me through Hubby on that same day.

When we open ourselves to the Lord, He is more than willing to demonstrate His love for us and His desire to encourage us. Don't be afraid - let God gently lead you on this journey of faith and hope.

...Awkward!!

I was recently talking with a friend and colleague - a beautiful Godly woman I look up to a lot. She's older than me, so we often have some wonderful time of encouragement and learning (usually on my part!!).

On this occasion, we had been talking about cars, and I shared with her my desire to get a new car at some point. Hubby and I have spoken about the fact that when Bubba arrives, the small car we have now won't really be suitable for a family of "four" (including my step son who stays with us once a fortnight).

I think about all aspects of the future... as you can tell!!

She asked then that million dollar question... "When do you see yourself having a family of your own?"

I responded "Well, we've been trying for a year, so I don't know. Whenever the Lord allows us to have one."

Silence ensued.

"God knows what He is doing" I said.


It was a little awkward, and if we hadn't been interrupted by a couple of people ahead of us, then who knows where the conversation would have been led. I think so often, people take it for granted that woman can have children. We seem to forget that not everyone can. Many women are struggling with the idea of being "infertile" - or as the Bile would say, "barren". It would be lovely if we could have all the answers to life's difficult questions, or if the right thing to say were always on the tip of our tongue at any given moment. Not in a glib, superficial kind of a way, but in a sincere empathetic way.

We each receive a measure of comfort from the Lord. And yes, it is easier to comfort someone when you have been through exactly what someone else is going through. It's easier to see where they are at when you have been there. But at the same time - we can support one another even if we haven't been through the same life problem, just because life is not perfect and stuff happens!

I would have loved to take away that moment of awkwardness... and many other times of awkwardness when people ask me the "family" question. But I can't. What I can do, is receive the encouragement offered and the confirmation of hope in Jesus. What I can do is receive your prayer support.

If ever you encounter one of those "awkward silences" why not offer to pray with the person you are speaking with. Pray in agreement with them for the thing they are seeking God about. Pray for God's strength to endure. Pray for the Lord to uphold them, with His righteous right hand - because even if you haven't been where you are - one day you may need someone to pray for you. 

A year on...

Hubby and I went out for a meal a few weeks ago with an old friend of ours. It was a lovely time of chatting and catching up with each others news.

But, as we were leaving the table - we had been invited back to his for a coffee - our friend said to us, "It is so lovely to see you both... but isn't there one missing? Shouldn't there be a third member of your family by now?"

Well, yes there should. And in the Lord's timing, Bubba will join us. 

At least his query to us was better than another "friend" when we recently saw him. As I passed him by, he decided to put out his hand and lay it on my belly as if there was a baby growing inside... I had to keep my hands, which had formed a fist, very firmly by my sides!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!