About Me

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Hi. Welcome to my "taboo" blog. My name is Steph, and when I first started this, I was still in my thirties. In 2017, I switch decades! I am a Christian, so underlying everything I do and say is the Word of God, and the foundational truths I have learnt over the years. This doesn't mean I'm perfect - I am human. It just means I recognise I need God's help to live this life and try to live out His way, as best I can. So that's me in a nutshell. Thanks for taking the time to read through my blog, I hope you draw strength, hope or encouragement from what you read.

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Feeling Fearful This Month

As I draw closer to the day Aunt Flo is due, I find that for the first time in a long time, I'm scared. Like actually fearful about what the next few days may bring. 

The last month has been less about trying to make a baby at the right time, and more about just enjoying ourselves as husband and wife, which has been significantly missing over the last two years or so, as the Journey for Bubba became an all-consuming, rage-inducing race against time. The problem now, though, is that - as I am always aware of where I am in my cycle, I am fully aware of how "good" this month has been in the chances of conceiving. But I am also fully aware of the complications of the blocked tubes, and the high risk of the egg and sperm meeting in the wrong place. And so, I am scared.

I try not to allow expectations that this might be the month to build up in my mind... but it's always there, and I can't escape it - even when I am not thinking about it! I can feel the anxiety laying heavy at the bottom my stomach, and as the monthly (ridiculously) slowly ticks by, I can feel it getting heavier and rising higher, making it difficult to face food in case I don't keep it down. If only there was a real way to escape this, but like I said - I've not really been thinking about it, it just lurks there in the back of my consciousness!

Not even chocolate is going to help me get through this one!!

Oh Lord, if Aunt Flo is going to arrive, please don't let her play with my emotions, bring here early or on time, because I am not sure I can handle this for another week or so. I pray You would be with other women who, like me, are fearful of the future, and and feeling the anxiety of this waiting period... may Your peace somehow breakthrough, ease the burden and dissipate the heaviness which threatens to overwhelm life, and cloud the joy of life. Jesus... take away the fear.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Interesting Article

Tonight there is an interesting article in the Daily Mail which ties in with my earlier post!

Is trying to conceive ruining our love lives? looks at the impact on the love lives of couples who are trying to conceive, and the pressure many people face.

Definitely worth a read.

When The Struggle Threatens to Break You

So... things have been a bit quiet recently. It's not easy to discuss anything, or write about anything when nothing is happening. And I don't mean the usual not having a baby type of nothing... I mean the nothing which comes from those times when Hubby and me just weren't getting on, so weren't get it on... if you know what I mean.

I have heard countless tales, and read many a story of couples who had been trying to conceive cracking under the pressure, the disappointment, the frustration, the heartache, the guilt, the anxiety, the blaming... you get the picture. As a step-mum TTC our own child... I kinda "get this"! 

It's more than all the list above... it's the knowledge that Hubby has received the one thing from another woman I am unable to give to him; the feeling of being "outside" in my own home when Hubby and my gorgeous Step-son are hanging out together - there is strong relationship and bond between them, which no matter what, will never include me; the sadness as - more often than not - Aunt Flo and the appearance of my Step-son inevitable arrive on the same weekend; the heartache of "playing" mum once a fortnight, without actually being mum; and the deep conscious awareness that Hubby just doesn't understand why I withdraw sometimes.

Add to this the normal pressures marriage brings with it, and the rhythm of life which can get in the way of the relationship, and we have a two to three month period of... nothing. Even feelings of, "if I'm never going to have a child with this man, what are we going to do?" That kind of fear that we can feel at the prospect of spending time with someone you're not getting on well with, for the rest of your life which coincide with the angry, "I don't want a child with him right now, and it's a good job we don't have a child based on how we are not getting on right now". These all add to the guilt, the fear, the failure and the huge cloud of loneliness which makes the Journey for Bubba sometimes incredibly difficult to handle.

Father God, I lift up to You those couples who are feeling the strain of their Journey to conceive, for whom it is so difficult they contemplate leaving each other and going their separate ways. Lord, I pray that somehow, You would be the glue which holds them together, that anger and bitterness will not take root in their relationship, but that You would cut them off and cause Your love and peace and understanding flood into the heart of every wife and every husband. Lord, at the time when they need You most, and when they need each other most, I ask that You would cause them to lean into you and to lean into each other. Remove any wall which has become a barrier in these marriages, that you would truly allow them to be fully, one in You. In Jesus name