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Hi. Welcome to my "taboo" blog. My name is Steph, and when I first started this, I was still in my thirties. In 2017, I switch decades! I am a Christian, so underlying everything I do and say is the Word of God, and the foundational truths I have learnt over the years. This doesn't mean I'm perfect - I am human. It just means I recognise I need God's help to live this life and try to live out His way, as best I can. So that's me in a nutshell. Thanks for taking the time to read through my blog, I hope you draw strength, hope or encouragement from what you read.

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Feeling Fearful This Month

As I draw closer to the day Aunt Flo is due, I find that for the first time in a long time, I'm scared. Like actually fearful about what the next few days may bring. 

The last month has been less about trying to make a baby at the right time, and more about just enjoying ourselves as husband and wife, which has been significantly missing over the last two years or so, as the Journey for Bubba became an all-consuming, rage-inducing race against time. The problem now, though, is that - as I am always aware of where I am in my cycle, I am fully aware of how "good" this month has been in the chances of conceiving. But I am also fully aware of the complications of the blocked tubes, and the high risk of the egg and sperm meeting in the wrong place. And so, I am scared.

I try not to allow expectations that this might be the month to build up in my mind... but it's always there, and I can't escape it - even when I am not thinking about it! I can feel the anxiety laying heavy at the bottom my stomach, and as the monthly (ridiculously) slowly ticks by, I can feel it getting heavier and rising higher, making it difficult to face food in case I don't keep it down. If only there was a real way to escape this, but like I said - I've not really been thinking about it, it just lurks there in the back of my consciousness!

Not even chocolate is going to help me get through this one!!

Oh Lord, if Aunt Flo is going to arrive, please don't let her play with my emotions, bring here early or on time, because I am not sure I can handle this for another week or so. I pray You would be with other women who, like me, are fearful of the future, and and feeling the anxiety of this waiting period... may Your peace somehow breakthrough, ease the burden and dissipate the heaviness which threatens to overwhelm life, and cloud the joy of life. Jesus... take away the fear.

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