A Wasted Month

Recently, my doctor's surgery has closed down, and all we patients were "merged" with a local medical centre. It's a swanky new build, with a "cheese counter" ticket machine and visual flashy thing to let you know when the Doctor is ready to see you, to save the Receptionist from shouting over the counter.

Having recently recovered from tonsillitis, I have realised why starting with a new doctor, is like starting the whole fertility journey from the beginning. Had he been aware that Hubby and I are TTC, I wouldn't have been prescribed the antibiotics which clearly states on the information leaflet "do not take if you are pregnant, breast-feeding, or trying to conceive". Had I not been rendered incapable by the tonsillitis, I might have thought to say something when asked, "are you allergic to anything" like, "No, but I am TTC".

So here's to a wasted month... Who knows what could have been - though probably wouldn't have been!

This Journey of Bubba involves a complete change of life-style, and a deepened awareness of so many things, which most people who "fall" pregnant so quickly have no idea about. It's not a temporary thing either - it's an on-going decision, at every stage, in every situation to make choices, and often be open about what we are trying to achieve in our marriage. For an indefinite length of time. Sharing with complete randoms the private and personal life of our marriage.

That's not easy.


Father God, I pray You would give us strength for the long-haul of this Journey for Bubba, because without You sustaining us, we could so easily become overwhelmed by it all. In Jesus name.

Encouraged by Hannah's Story

Over the weekend, I have heard a number of speakers at a Conference I attended and in my local Church, and RANDOMLY - I say randomly because there was no hint they would be bringing it up, it seemed to pop-up from nowhere within their sermons - the story of Hannah was used to exhort the speakers listeners.

As someone who is on the tough journey TTC, Hannah is one of those women in the Bible who is a huge source of inspiration and encouragement to me. In many ways, I am similar to her. In many ways, I am walking a very different path. Our main similarities is of being a Jewish woman struggling to conceive a child naturally. We both have "step-children" though unlike Hannah, Hubby's ex is not on the scene and can in no way torment me with her fruitfulness against my barrenness - probably helped by the fact that I don't know her, having only met her one time, and that she lives 40 miles away from us, not in the same house as me, as Hannah had to contend with!

I also share, with Hannah, the desire to take my requests to God. I might not live in Jerusalem, in the time of the Temple, but as a living Temple of the Lord, I strive to lay at His feet my hopes, my desires, my dreams, the deepest longings of my heart. Unlike Hannah - there is no High Priest watching over me accusing me of being a drunkard. But the Great High Priest Himself - Jesus - He watches over me, and intercedes with me for the child I long to hold. He wraps His arms around me in those moments when it is too much of a burden to bear, and supports me, leaning me against Him as we walk through this Journey for Bubba.

Faith is  funny thing. There are times when I have masses of faith - usually near the start of the cycle, or around the time of ovulation! But there are also times when my faith seems so weak, so small, I'm not even sure if it resembles a mustard seed even. Usually around the time of the the end of the cycle, when another egg silently spills away, the promise of new life fades with the departure of Aunt Flow. In those moments I, like Hannah, cry bitter tears of sorrow and hope lost, wondering what God is doing in this Journey for Bubba. In those moments, when faith is so small it's on the verge of fading away, I cry out to God, "I can't do this on my own, I want to believe - Lord, help my unbelief!"

And you know what - it's OK to do that. Jesus knows how hard this is for me - and maybe for you too. He totally gets it that there are times when we do need Him to help our unbelief for the monthly battle we face for the desire of our heart, the desire to be Mumma to our very own Bubba.

So if you are in that moment when you feel hope fading - don't let the monthly disappointment displace your hope for the future child you long for. Don't let our monthly disappointment overwhelm you to the point of turning your back on God. When faith seems at it's lowest, it is OK to say to God - Lord, I don't have faith at this moment, but I want to have faith in what You can do Lord - Give me faith, help my unbelief. In that small act alone, we are still demonstrating faith to God... that's why faith is a funny thing! And God is faithful. He will not only answer your prayer - He will bring an increase!! That's what He does!!! That's the funny thing about God. He always answers beyond our thoughts or imaginations. I know, because He is doing it for me too.

Encouraged By My Church

I have been really encouraged recently by the support of my local Church. As a speaker at the Women's Conference last year, my talk included the current story of my struggle to conceive. God had challenged me at the time to be open about what I was going through, which was so fresh for me... the week before the conference I'd had to have the HSG xray and the week after I'd had to have another blood test! But when I decided to submit wholeheartedly to the Lord, that means submit (Annoyingly!), even when I'd rather hide away!

As a result, I have found out that there are at least two other women on a similar journey. One for twelve years. One for eight years. One of these ladies has become a fantastic source of strength, encouragement and support for me.

Another outcome of sharing my story is a huge amount of prayer support I have received from the Church. At the beginning of the year we joined together on a period of prayer and fasting; on the list of prayer points was "healing for couples who are struggling to conceive". This was a huge blessing, as there are so many women who are struggling in their silent battle, alone. The Church isn't always great at dealing with some of the issues which may not affect the majority - eg singleness and infertility. The fact that my Church leaders had recognised that the issue is a big one for the women in our Church, is a huge encouragement.

The biggest source of encouragement came recently, when out of the blue, one of the Pastors phoned me to say that a couple of women in the Prayer Team had gone into the Church one morning, having felt a burden to pray for the women in the congregation who were struggling to conceive a baby. Random act of kindness on their part. Reassurance from God that He is working on all our cases.

If you can, pray for women in your own congregation who have to face this issue month-after-month. You may not necessarily know who they are, but God does. Maybe He will find a way to let that woman know she has been covered in prayer - I can promise you it will make her feel less alone on this journey, and encouraged by the silent support you offer her.

Father God, thank You for stirring the spirits of those women to pray for me and the others in our congregation who are TTC. Thank You for seeing into our silent cries and the prayers of our own hearts, and joining other voices to ours. Thank You for prompting others to cover us in prayer - bless them Lord for their faithful obedience to You. I ask that you would stir other women to pray and cover our sisters who are TTC - whether we know the story of their journey or not. In Jesus name I pray.

Hubby's emulator

I love to watch Hubby with my Stepson. The bond they have between them is beautiful to watch, and the way the younger emulates his father is so lovely. They have many precious moments together, especially when I am still in bed, and they dance around or play games together, it's so nice to hear the six year old giggles floating up the stairs.

When he stays with us, he feels safe, and although I am not his mum, we have our own special relationship. There are so many moments when he will snuggle into me if I am curled up on the sofa watching tele or reading a book.

But I can never fully understand the bond between a parent and their child. Not yet. Sometimes I wonder whether Hubby will have enough love to share with our Bubba, when we fall pregnant. Sometimes I wonder how our little one will connect with his older half-brother. Sometimes I wonder how the family dynamic will change and develop once Bubba is brought into the world.

Yesterday Hubby and I argued over a pair of trainers for our weekend boy. Not because I begrudge him buying stuff for his son - of course I don't. But I wonder whether when Bubba is old enough Hubby will be as generous as he is now. How do parents divide their hearts between their offspring?

I want my Stepson to be as big a part of Bubba's life as he can be. And I want our Bubba to benefit from having Daddy's attention and the benefit of Big Brothers devotion and love. He has a sister who lives at home with him, his mummy and his mummy's partner. The love he has for his sister is gorgeous, and yeah - being the older brother maybe tough for him at time, but he loves his little sister so much. How easy will he find loving Bubba whom he won't live with, and who he will only see on a fortnightly basis.

Our family can become the better for these changing relationships, in time, once Bubba is conceived. Until then - I pray Hubby and his Captain will have many precious memories to treasure together, so that when Bubba arrives in the world - the three of them will have as much of a strong bond as the two of them do now. If that's OK?