A Wasted Month

Recently, my doctor's surgery has closed down, and all we patients were "merged" with a local medical centre. It's a swanky new build, with a "cheese counter" ticket machine and visual flashy thing to let you know when the Doctor is ready to see you, to save the Receptionist from shouting over the counter.

Having recently recovered from tonsillitis, I have realised why starting with a new doctor, is like starting the whole fertility journey from the beginning. Had he been aware that Hubby and I are TTC, I wouldn't have been prescribed the antibiotics which clearly states on the information leaflet "do not take if you are pregnant, breast-feeding, or trying to conceive". Had I not been rendered incapable by the tonsillitis, I might have thought to say something when asked, "are you allergic to anything" like, "No, but I am TTC".

So here's to a wasted month... Who knows what could have been - though probably wouldn't have been!

This Journey of Bubba involves a complete change of life-style, and a deepened awareness of so many things, which most people who "fall" pregnant so quickly have no idea about. It's not a temporary thing either - it's an on-going decision, at every stage, in every situation to make choices, and often be open about what we are trying to achieve in our marriage. For an indefinite length of time. Sharing with complete randoms the private and personal life of our marriage.

That's not easy.


Father God, I pray You would give us strength for the long-haul of this Journey for Bubba, because without You sustaining us, we could so easily become overwhelmed by it all. In Jesus name.

Added to the Waiting List

Arrgghhhh!!! I just want my Bubba!

OK! scream over!

I have just received a letter from my consultant to say that I am on the waiting list - which I knew already - for the laparoscopy which will be done to try to open the blocked Fallopian Tube. It turns out that he wants to perform the surgery on both sides - which I hadn't known - rather than just the one tube which we know is blocked. The down-down-down side of this is that I would be at very high risk of an ectopic pregnancy, what with both tubes having been worked on. Oh man! 

It's the waiting game continued, but the chances of success with the surgery are low. The chances of being more at risk for complications are high. What's the point in putting my body through this, I have to wonder??? I suppose it will provide my consultant with the clearest picture of what is happening in my Fallopian Tubes, and it could clear things - even for just a couple of attempts - for the eggs to travel, unhindered, to where they can meet with Hubby's Little Swimmers.

I mean, at the end of the day, there is a blockage, and not having the surgery won't change that. As far as I know, the tests showed only one side is blocked, but what if there are complications on the otherside, which my Consultant seems to think there is? If this is the case, that means that no having surgery wouldn't be a great option anyway. I just don't like the elevated risks of having an ectopic. I just want Bubba to be healthy, whole and here!

Either way, through this situation, GOD WILL BE GLORIFIED! Whether Bubba is conceived BEFORE the surgery has to happen, whether Bubba is conceived AFTER the surgery, whether there are increased risks and potential complications... GOD WILL BE GLORIFIED!

If Jesus can raise His friend Lazarus from the dead, then He can breathe life into this deadened womb of mine:

John 11:4: [Jesus] said, “This sickness is not unto death, but for the glory of God, that the Son of God may be glorified through it.”

Oh Father God, if there is ANY WAY at all that we can avoid doing this surgery, then I ask that You would intervene in my situation. I pray that during this time I am on the Waiting List that You would hear my prayers and You would grant me Bubba. But if it is Your way for this to happen, then I pray You would bring me to that place of peaceful acceptance that this is Your plan for Bubba and me, because I am not there yet. At this stage, Lord, I actually don't want to be there at all! But not my will - Yours be done.

The Bubble of Time

When you're as acutely aware of time cycle as a woman who is TTC, that moment when you're waiting for one cycle to end is excruciatingly slow - especially if it's late.

Waiting to find out if this cycle will end to mark the beginning of the next cycle, or to mark the beginning of new life is one of the hardest things about TTC I think. But it's even more-so when there is an unexpected delay. It's like suddenly, you're in a bubble, alone. Life carries on around you, but you're hidden away inside this moment of waiting which is heavily dependent on time, yet totally irrespective of it.

Everyone can see you, interact with you, as you go through the motions of each day: work, eat, socialise, whatever the day calls for; but deep down, you're not really there. Deep down you know you're locked in your bubble, thinking about your cycle, thinking about the delay, wondering if you're late for a reason and counting down the hours till you can do a pregnancy test. Wondering if anything you've done since ovulation, could have had a negative impact.

The bubble.
Waiting with a pounding heart to find out what the outcome will be.
In your bubble.
Alone, because Hubby can't relate to this aspect of the cycle.
It's your body.
Your mind.
Your bubble.


Father God, I pray for every woman who is waiting, that You would grant her peace. May she find rest in You and draw strength from You in her wait. In Jesus's name I pray.