Urge to Hug

One of the terms used to describe the feelings which accompany the infertility struggle, relates to our empty arms. The desire to hold someone, to hug and protect and cherish our own, is sometimes so strong, it is a physical representation of the ache in our hearts as a result of our empty womb.

Recently, the desire to hold my own baby has been so overwhelmingly strong, it's hard to explain, and even harder to tell anyone as the desire builds within. The fear of being told, "How do you know what you're missing, you've never had a baby." Or being told I'm just being silly, I think has silenced me on these occasions. The struggle of infertility just seems to be unrelenting and it is such a private emotional journey, to have someone try to diminish my feelings as foolish or silly would add to my sense of isolation on this path.

It feels like a huge drop in the depths of my stomach, my inner man, when I realise this is not going to happen. That I have no child to hold. No comfort to give. No reassurance to offer in the warmth of my arms. It is that sense of dread about the unmet desire which literally falls from my heart and buries itself in the depth of my spirit. 

Especially with all the glowing Facebook posts from proud parents photographing their child's first day at school/ big school etc.

This is part of the journey. A journey which has no light at the end...in fact, there doesn't even seem to be an end to it. And so, it's a case of hiding myself in my Heavenly Father's arms. Resting in the warmth if His embrace and allow Him to wipe away my tears. 

This is, of course, spiritually speaking. How nice it would be to find that comfort in reality too.

Father God, I thank You because You never belittle or minimise our feelings, or the way we allow the journey of infertility to affect us, even after all these years. Father, I pray that when the desire for a baby threatens to overwhelm, that You would overwhelm that sense of dread and hopelessness with Your shalom. In Jesus name I pray.

God Does Care....

There comes a point in every Christian woman's life when you realise you've being doing it alone for so long, you've actually been doing it alone.

Without God, I mean.

When circumstances: choices you made, choices made by other people, even the stuff we believe "God controls" which are beyond our comprehension, weighs heavily on our hearts, our minds, our basic understanding of life, I am convinced this can create a new kind of burn-out.

I have literally just finished watching a really cheesy 80's chick flick about Romy and Michelle's high school reunion. These two twenty-something women were so desperate for the old school "AGroup" to like them, they were prepared to hide who they really are, just to fit their perception of what the cool girls would see as "successful".

And yet, here I am, with my own idea of "success" so heavily damaged and on the precipice of never happening, that I have been trying to hide it from myself, and others, for so long, I have recently experienced emotional "crash and burn". Not because I was desperate for others to like me or anything.... But because the whole journey of infertility is not one I should be constantly "banging on about", I should just "deal with it" and carry on with whatever life God has set out for me. Oh this is the bit no one wants to talk about when we discuss the failure of the dream for children, for a family. The constantness of it. The fact that it never goes away. The fact that there are times it can still be so incredibly overwhelming, even after all this time. 

A couple of weekends ago it was the annual conference for work. On the last day, two women who are old enough to know better, made parting remarks to me like, "Hope it all goes well!" While smiling encouragingly, hand on their own bellies while looking across at mine. The curse of having problems like endometriosis and gluten intolerance creating a beautiful little balloon bump at the most inopportune moments, which falsifies the look you actually want and gives a very wrong impression!

That week, was the beginning of the crash. Not because of the things they said. No.... In a sad way within Church, this becomes the norm and one of the first things you learn to deal with. No, it was a culmination of the OTHER problems which rarely get discussed, including the toll infertility takes on your relationships. With yourself. With Hubby. With God.

And so now, two weeks later, while listening to Christy Nockles, I realise that I have been forced into carrying myself through this as a result of Hubby's withdrawal, and my subsequent withdrawal from God. By carrying myself, I actually mean dragging myself along the floor! 

Not only can infertility kill your dreams, it kills your sense of identity, your hope, your trust and faith in a God who genuinely cares, hears and has a future lined-up for you; and the relationship with a Hubby who has a son, and so can't relate to the pain of having no child of your own. And so the cycle spins round and round, loneliness, emptiness, broken dreams, broken promises, wondering what will be, wandering further away. 

And all this in secret!

No one must know! 

No one must see beyond the mask and appearance that we are doing ok, that we are trusting God, that our marriages are intact and our future is secure. 

The secret life we live in our heart and mind to which we stop inviting God to sit in with us, at least, we thought we had. There's only so much we can hide from God. There's only so much weight we can bear. There's only so much of a load we can carry in our own strength, until we break.

And then in His gentleness and mercy, He bends down His face to ours, wetting His cheek with our tears, scoops us up in His arms, and pours out His healing balm into the depths of our wounds, pouring His shalom into our anxious, troubled hearts, and lifts us out of the pit of despair, raising us up to stand once again in His strength, rather than our own, reminding us that we are not alone, He has never left us, and the battle is not ours to fight by ourselves. Even though it feels like it at times. Keep your eyes on Jesus.... He turns His face to yours, gazing into your pain and emptiness and will remain there with you for as long as it will take. He cares. He knows. He loves you. He is with you.

You'll Never Walk Alone

After hiding from Church and people on Sunday morning (see previous post for explanation), I went to Church in the evening. I was debating whether to go or not in the car, but decided I would. And I'm glad I went. God is so amazing!!! 

When I had been feeling like I'm alone in this struggle for Bubba, the sermon delivered that night was "You'll never walk alone". This was exactly what I needed to be reminded of, because when we're in the midst of the battle, sometimes we don't hear the simplest of God's promises to those who put their trust in Him. 

Deuteronomy 31:6 (NLT)  So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you.”

There are many times the Lord reminds us that we are not alone, and it is this still, small voice which is whispering right into the depths of my heart, right into my brokenness, right into the midst of my loneliness and isolation - I AM with you.  Where no one else can see - God is there, and He hears the silent screams which others aren't aware of, even those closest to me.

It's not just words. It's truth. It's reassurance. It's hope. It's what I really needed to hear, that I am not alone, even though it feels like it. That God hasn't given up on His plan for my life, even though it seems like this Journey for Bubba caught Him off-guard like it caught me off-guard. That no tear is released without God knowing the reason behind it - even when I have no idea what triggered the tears this time. God knows. God cares. God is there. He will not leave me. He will not forsake me. He is there. He is here.


Father God, it is so hard to walk this Journey, when it seems that there is not end to it, as months roll into years, and life continues marching forward as it always has done, and when it seems that everyone else has forgotten what we are facing each month. Father, thank You that You are true to Your word, that when You promised You wouldn't leave my side, or forsake me to walk alone, that You are right there with me, with Hubby, and with us together in our heartache. Father, thank You for reminding me of this. I pray that every husband or wife who needs to know You are there with them, at this moment - whether this moment is in the reading of this prayer, or in the moment of my writing, I pray Your would comfort them to the point where they know You truly are there and You haven't left them alone. I pray, Father, that everyone one of us walking our own Journey for Bubba would know for sure that we do not walk alone. In Jesus name.

Putting My Faith in Your Plans

In the service this evening, at my Church,we sang a song which contains the lines,

"I put my life in Your hands I put my faith in Your plans"

When you reach the place when your empty womb and empty arms create such a deep longing and ache in your heart, where your dreams and heart-desire remains hidden from you - to stand and sing this line takes guts.

I don't mean that kind of blind singing which we often do just to follow the rest of the congregation. No. I mean to sing the words, knowing that you actually do mean them, even though it feels as though saying them rips something from your heart.

Is this what Jesus means by 'a sacrifice of praise'???

I can feel safe knowing my life is in God's hands. This is the safest place to be right now.

But the second bit is harder... Putting my faith in God's plans at the risk of my own plans and desires not being fulfilled. To really believe God has my best in His intentions. To allow faith to carry beyond the tears into His presence with boldness and security.

Father, help me to really know I can put my faith in Your plans, knowing that You will make all things right, according to what You are trying to do in me and through me. In Jesus' name.

When Heaven Is Silent...

One of the things I promised myself, when I first started writing this blog, is that I would use this as a way of being real with my own thoughts, as a means of trying to work out what I am feeling.... I'm not the most expressive of people - except through writing. Somehow I have always found it easier to write than to speak about what I think or feel - which completely drives Hubby mad, because he prefers me to talk than to have to read about it!

This kind of walk which we're going through, which seems so endless and hopeless, also has made it harder for me to connect with the God Who I have always depended on. We all go through those times when God seems so far away, when our cries, our pleading,our prayers seem to surround us with their taunting echoing - as though bouncing around and around the cold stone walls which have built up around me. When the silence from God is so deafening, it hurts, and my heart is weary from all the tears. 

I have never gone through such a long struggle to connect with my Saviour, as I seem to be going through at this moment... and as much as I would love to see an end to the infertility challenge, I would also love to see an end to the silence of heaven. I love to study His Word, and gain so much from those times - but that personal one-on-one connection which we all long for with Heavenly Father... this is missing. Maybe it's because I have made myself busy, in order to try to handle this Journey? Maybe it's because I am battle weary? Maybe it's the anger at what we are struggling with? Maybe it's the endlessness of the Journey? Maybe it's the seemingly unanswered prayers over these last few years? Maybe it's because Hubby and I aren't as united in our desperation to seek God as we should be? Maybe it's all this and more.

I'm not posting this in the hope for pity or anything... I'm posting it because I believe that there are many others in the same Journey for Bubba who may also be feeling so distant from God, who may also experience that same sense of aloneness, desperation and sadness, in thinking God has forgotten about us, about the promise for us to be a mother, has turned His back on us and has become as bored with our pleas as we have become with repeating ourselves.

But regardless of how we feel, "Everything is going to be OK"
God not only comforts us in our grief and loneliness, He wipes our tears, collecting them as they flow - each precious heartfelt sob from the heart - and places them in a special place. When we are with Him, He will show you exactly how close He was to you. He hasn't stopped caring about you, or what you are going through, because nothing can separate you from the love He lavishes on you. Whatever else you think and feel about your Journey, somehow we have to look past this, and hold onto the truth that our Heavenly Father hasn't given up on us, and that He is trying to speak to us, as much as we are trying to listen. His grace is sufficient to carry you through each day - each heart-breaking month which passes, each grief-stricken sob of hopelessness. He will never leave you. He will never abandon you. He won't give up on the plans and promises He has for you. So whatever you feel... reflect on these things, and may they keep you close to God, embraced in His strong arms of love and support, and may you find rest in His peace.

Above The Doctor's Report

While he was still speaking to her, messengers arrived from the home of Jairus, the leader of the synagogue. They told him, “Your daughter is dead. There’s no use troubling the Teacher now.” But Jesus overheard them and said to Jairus, “Don’t be afraid. Just have faith.” Mark 5:35-36

Ahhh... the voices of doom and gloom! The messengers of discouragement, who tell you what you really didn't want to hear! No one wants to know that what you are hoping for has died, especially in the battle of fertility! 

I'll be honest, when the doctors dismissed me with a handshake and a courteous "good luck", it actually felt like the hope for Bubba had died. It was like in that moment, as the Consultant's office door closed, all I heard was, "There are no other avenues, no further options, we are writing you off and don't hold out much hope for you chances."

The messenger had declared to me, "Your desire for a son or daughter is useless, your chance of becoming a Mumma is dead."

But as I was reading this passage in Mark, it was like the Spirit of God was actually speaking over me, "Don't be afraid. Just have faith." He was combating the thoughts of death and hopelessness with His truth, giving me back a sense of hope, of reassurance and keeping the dream for Bubba alive. 

It isn't an easy process. It has taken me, what, six months to hear Him say, "Don't be afraid. Just have faith." And now I have to begin to implement that in my Journey - the first stage involves me to stop being afraid that I won't ever know the joy of becoming a mum. The second involves me once again having faith that it will happen. 

Whatever doctor's report has been spoken over your life, hold onto the Word of God... "Don't be afraid, just have faith." 

Blessed Are Those Who Mourn

My car CD player has been broken for a couple of weeks. It only needed a new fuse, but as I am useless at that kind of thing, I had to wait for the time when Hubby was free to do change it. It's funny how much you miss having the freedom to play music when it is taken away from you!!

So when Hubby finally remembered to change the fuse, I found that when I started to play the CD, I listened more intently to what was playing. As I did, one line from one of the songs on the Desperation Band album "Centre of it All" really struck me.

"Your comfort is for all the hurting"

This one line is so profound in its simplicity, for we can only receive the comfort of God when we are hurting, We can't know this aspect of God's nature when we aren't in pain, for we would not have need to be comforted. As Jesus said,

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." (Matthew 5:4)

Many times, in this journey, I have known what it is to mourn. Someone said to me over the weekend, "You can't grieve what you don't know you're missing." But I can promise I really do know what I am missing, I have spent enough time with my gorgeous Nephews and Stepson to have a very clear understanding of what I am missing, and battle daily with the emptiness of my barren womb, my arms which long to hold Bubba, my hand which longs to take the tiny hand of my child and lead them, safely, through life. My grief may not be as visible as the parent who has lost a child, but I know I have experienced the comfort of God in my hurting... in my mourning. 

Wherever you are in your journey, know that Father God fully understands what we are fighting against, and how we are feeling, even if others don't get it. He is with you, walking through each day, and pouring out the balm of His comfort within your moment of grief and mourning. 

God's Whisper Into My Broken Heart

I wasn't sure about sharing this, but I would like one day, when Bubba is conceived, I would like to use this to reflect on the Journey the Lord has led me on with Bubba when he or she is old enough to understand how God has planned him or her. 

A few weeks ago, a member of the Church, who is in the same Home Group, called me one Sunday morning, as she'd had a word from the Lord for me. I was going to Church in the evening, and as I was still recovering from the op, I'd decided to only attend the one service. Anyway, she called me after lunch and blew me away with what she shared with me:

She told me she had been praying for me during the morning while she was getting ready for Church, and while she was praying the Lord gave her a picture - a revelation. She said she saw me watching TV, watching the news reports of the new Royal baby's arrival. She said that as she watched me, watching TV, I was wiping tears from my eyes. She said she was taken back to the time in her life when she was trying for a baby, for a son she had been told she would never had, and experienced an overwhelming grief with me as she had felt back then. Then as the reports came to and end, and another programme came on, I shook my hair and wiped my face as if to say "Right then. That's it! Time to just move on with things."

She said after showing her this picture, He told her to tell me two things. One: He is Creator, and His speciality is in new creation. Two: He has not taken me off the mother list.

What this lady didn't know was that Hubby and I were trying for Bubba, and that I had just had an operation to unblock my Fallopian tubes, which had failed. When I said this to her, she said she had always seen me as a career woman with goals and ambition, and had not been confident enough to share the picture with me, without first checking it with our Home Group leader (who knows our situation). 

Neither did she know that the picture the Lord had shown her was EXACTLY how I had been during all the wall-to-wall news reports were being broadcast about the new royal arrival. As I prayed for the new baby and his royal parents, I felt overwhelming grief about my own situation, as I tried to come to terms with the abandoned op I'd had a few days earlier. 

And only the Lord knew how close I was to giving up hope of ever becoming Mumma to our own Bubba. Where science has failed me, God won't. He restored my hope for the future of having Bubba...and my hope for a future, full stop. 

I don't know how long we will have to wait - because God doesn't always reveal a time frame. But He has given me a glimpse into the work He is doing behind the scenes for Hubby and me. God IS the Creator of life - and where my Fallopian tubes have become blocked and are failing at this moment in time, God knows how to bypass this and to make a way for Bubba to be conceived where there seems to be absolutely no way. He is God. He will make a way through for the right sperm to connect with a healthy egg, and for a healthy Bubba to be conceived, implanted and develop. 

Thank You Lord for for whispering Your words of comfort and love, of a hope and a future into me broken heart. Thank You for the faithfulness of women like this who You are able to bring revelation and prophecy to, because they seek Your face. I pray for anyone reading this who needs this kind of encouragement for their own Journey for Bubba, that You would also whisper Your love, comfort, hope and future into their broken hearts, in Jesus' name.

Devotions at Work - Encouragement From God

I am blessed in my work environment, in that I work for a Christian organisation, and every morning we start with devotions. Depending on who is leading it, this is either an informal discussion, or a formal teach (usually when the Boss leads it!!). When the office based team are doing it, we tend go through a book, chapter by chapter.

This morning, the Boss chose one of the passages which has been one of the foundational Scriptures for my own Journey of Faith. 1 Samuel chapter 1 which relays Hannah's struggle with TTC, and the moment she encounters God answering her prayer (I've written about Hannah in a number of posts on here, including this one, this one and this one)!

Now, I have never spoken to him about it... the most I had to tell him was a couple of weeks ago when both me and my colleague who are both working on a major project due for the beginning of July were facing operations at the same time (for different reasons). We had to explain what was happening and tell him we'd come up with a contingency plan, just in case we were both off at the same time. All he knows is that I am facing an Op for Gynea reasons!! No detail!!! It wouldn't take a genius to work it out though... I'm married, of child-bearing age (just), facing an operation and childless!!! So, to me at least, it is kinda obvious there may be an issue!!

So, if he doesn't know about my Journey for Bubba, God obviously laid it on his heart to bring it to the Staff Devotions for a reason. And as we read around, I was struck by the relevance of 'my' verses. So, I'm going to share a couple of them with you, which I ended up reading as the group read "around the table":

V12: As she continued praying before the Lord, Eli observed her mouth.

OK, so there's nothing glaringly obvious in that verse... I'm not sure there's really anything to observe about my mouth... but God observes when I talk with Him, and hears what I say, even when others are completely oblivious to my praying.

V17: Then Eli answered, "Go in peace, and the God of Israel grant your petition that you have made to Him." 

V27: [Hannah said to Eli] "For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted me my petition that I made to Him."

Both of these verses are INCREDIBLY relevant and on-point!!! Of all the verses I could have ended up reading within the group - these are the two which are so significant in terms of where I am at and my Journey for Bubba. The first one - is the high priest telling Hannah her prayer has been answered, even before she and her Hubby got together a few days later.

The second verse is a few years later, after the child has been conceived, born, and weened and Hannah confirms that the Lord indeed had heard her heart-cry, which the High Priest confirmed to her, and now here she was a living testimony saying almost word-for-word, exactly what Eli had said to her.

This, for me, is being added to my faith arsenal... that the Lord has indeed heard me, and will grant my petition made to Him, so that in the years to come I will proclaim as Hannah before me, "For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted me my petition that I made to Him."

The Picnic And The Postman's Present

There is a saying which I have heard which goes something like, "If you've never had it, you can't miss it." I have to say that after the Bank Holiday weekend, I completely disagree with this... when it comes to children and families, you really can miss what you don't have!

Hubby's Best Man came to stay for the weekend and brought his two children up, at the same time that we had my Gorgeous Stepson to stay for the weekend. I loved having a busy household, and loved having the house full of giggling children, especially the little pink shadow who I acquired from the time of their arrival to their departure! It's was absolutely gorgeous having a four year old girl paint my toenails, and want me to put make-up on her and stuff... a lovely lovely experience!!

Before the arrival of our guests, I went shopping to stock up on food, and had to really reign myself in... there are so many "child-friendly" products. and so many foods aimed at little boys, and others aimed at little girls... even yoghurts with Princesses and Cars on them...! I could easily have bought everything!!! I did decide to buy a sparkly bubble bath for the little girl as everything we have is geared toward my Gorgeous Stepson! Oh... and a "little pony" with plaited hair... not to mention the football cards and magazine... and the Moshi Monsters magazine with trump cards!!! OK... I did go a little overboard, with the colouring pencils... and the dot-to-dot book.. but when do I have any little girls in the house!

The day after they arrived, we all took a picnic and went out for the day. It was such a blessing to have the two boys playing together and the little girl joining in when she could. eating our picnic among the other families which had gathered in the popular picnic spot, such a perfect day. Then the two dads took the three children to a play area a little way away from where our picnic blankets and hamper were laid out. And I was left to hold the fort.

I looked around me, watching the mum playing with her little boy. Watching the new parents with their tiny baby. Listened to the family behind me playing frisbee, observed the three generations of a family laughing and generally people-watching.

And suddenly, I felt alone.
I really felt like I was missing something.
Really wished I had my own family... my own real family.
To hear a little voice calling me "mummy" instead of by my first name.
To have my own child enjoying the child-friendly goodies I had bought for our picnic.

In that moment, in the sunshine, surrounded by so many families of varying sizes, I really understood in a huge way what I was missing - even though I have never had it.

When we arrived home, the post had arrived. There was a letter for me from the hospital. They were now ready to call me in for the Operation to unblock my tubes, and could I kindly call the number below to discuss the date and time they had scheduled me in for, but if I no longer needed the procedure could I call a different number. Sadly, at this stage, I do still need it.

Hubby was absolutely brilliant, he grasped the enormity of what the weekend had hit me with, and held me close as the tears exploded from the depth of my spirit when we were alone together.


Father God, I thank You, from the depth of my heart, for allowing me the opportunity to be around these three children... even when the little girl tried to follow me into the toilet! Lord, I pray You would really bless our friends, as they make plans for a new life in a new country together, and that You would help their two children to adjust easily, to settle quickly and to make new friends for life. Lord, I ask You would be with my gorgeous Stepson, and I pray that You would allow him to know You for himself, especially in light of the conversation we'd had around the dining table at dinner time. I pray Lord Jesus that You would become His best friend - he already says he believes in You - may he really know You, in spite of the way he is being brought up. 

And Father God, I pray that when the time is right - and help me to be patient before then - You would bring  me my own child. Mine and Hubby's offspring. A gift from You to us. That the four of us would be able to go on our own family picnics, joining the throng of other families with the sound of our laughter and joy. In Jesus name.

Used Because of My Brokenness

You know that God is working things out in your heart when He gives you the strength in spite of your brokenness! It's not always easy to say to Him, here I am Lord, use me as You will, because you don't know what He will want you to do!!!

But I knew God gave me the strength I needed in Church recently, when a woman who is pregnant came to me and asked me to pray for her, as she was experiencing pain during her seventh week. Submitting to the leading of the Holy Spirit, I found I was able to pray, without crying!

It's funny how God takes our brokenness, and turns things around so that His light can shine through us. So no matter where you are at, I would encourage you to say of the Lord, "here I am, use me", then be amazed at how He chooses to work through you. Even in those situations you would never have chosen for yourself.

Facing Infertility Head-On - Next Step Decided

As much as I want to just bury my head in the sand in the hope that God will make it all go away, so I don't have to deal with "it", I've reached the place where I know He won't. I have to deal with "it". It won't just go away. Although I don't feel strong enough, I know that the Lord will be with Hubby and me EVERY step of the way. Because the last 17 months have shown me He has been with me already. He has comforted me during those moments when it's become too much to bear. 

"It". Infertility. 

The name for the difficulties women like me face, if we don't conceive within a certain length of time. 

When I last spoke with the Consultant, the week before Christmas, he left me with a decision to make about our next step. I've already outlined the three options which had been presented to me (click on the links to read more, if you want to know more):

• IVF
• Surgery to clear the blocked tube
• Fertility Drugs

The way he had presented the options to me, made it seem as though I would have to go through the surgery, in order for the drug treatment to work. But I really didn't feel comfortable about having surgery - especially if I don't need to have it. 

So with this in mind, I contacted my consultant to find out if it would be possible to have the fertility drugs first and then keep the surgery option as a back-up. I would rather not have had to make any decision at all, to be perfectly honest, but like I said, burying my head in the sand isn't an option anymore. I kinda did one of those "prayers" before hearing from the consultant that God would help me be at peace with the decision I made, but that if I could avoid the surgery, I would really appreciate it. 

It took a lot to just pray that, at New Year, I normally spend some time thanking God for the past year and praying for the year ahead, but this year, all I could bring myself to write in my journal was the fact I had nothing to say at that time. The desire for a child threatened to over-shadow my desire for a closer relationship with the Lord, no matter how many times I tell myself, "God is in control" or, "I trust God with every area of my life"!

I really appreciate that God loves me, and knows how to bring reassurance and peace into my heart, so when the consultant's secretary called me back with the answer I wanted to hear, I felt so at peace with the next step I would be taking. I don't have to have the surgery straight away, I can try a course of the fertility drug first. This is such a relief to me, as I know God heard my heart's desire to try to have Bubba in as natural a way as possible - having the surgery would have felt more like an invasive intervention than just taking a few pills... in my head it does!

So, the next step has been decided and confirmed. There is just one test outstanding before we can start the course, which is Hubby's department, not mine - for a change! And then the Journey For Bubba moves forward to the next step. Whatever the outcome, I know God is with me, upholding me and strengthening me at every point. I have no doubt there will be some tough heart-aches and tears while we are on this next step, but in the Lord, there will also be joy and laughter in this season. Finding the balance between faith and practical progress is tough sometimes, but honestly, I hope Bubba is conceived during this next phase, but if he or she isn't, "it is well with my soul".

Godly Encouragement

I praise God for the Godly friends I have. Over the weekend, I received 2 pieces of encouraging words from Hubby and from a friend. After the frustrations I had felt with my body, the timing of both were perfect! Especially in light of this week's up-coming appointment!!!

Hubby and I were driving up the M1 and we were talking - or rather I was talking - about my fears for the appointment I have at the "in"fertility clinic. He listened, and then spoke, reminding me of the commitment I have with the Lord to do things His way and not my own! He asked if I had considered whether God had been holding off because of the other areas of my life which are taking off in a huge way - If I was pregnant or had a young baby, would I have been able to step into the opportunities God has recently opened up for me. That's not to say the two can't come together in the future, but right now, as this is all new to me, maybe the Lord is allowing me to step into this new-ness, and to get used to is before Bubba arrives.

What hubby had said had made a lot of sense to me (though I am aware it may not make sense here, because I don't want to give away too many details of my life, in case people are able to work out who I am!!! No point in not giving my name then!!), and he put a fresh insight into the delay.

On the same day, a friend had sent me a random text message. In it she had described a dream the Lord had given to her - and in the dream I had been about 7 months pregnant! A prophetic dream of what is to come!! She told me she believed the Lord wanted me to know He had heard my prayers and will answer them, giving me the desire of my heart - namely to hold Bubba in my arms when he/she is born!

I am so grateful to the Lord for giving me such hope and reassurance over the weekend. He knows how much I needed it!!!  

As my friend ended the text, she challenged me to exercise the faith God had given to me - for faith is the substance of things hoped for... and I hope for Bubba, so maybe I need to do something of substance to demonstrate my faith, in the word God has given to me concerning Bubba...  It may be months, it may be years (although I hope not!) but the Lord has promised Bubba will come. If I want to show how much I believe this, I think I do need to do something. I'm not sure what that would be. Maybe I should purchase something for Bubba's arrival!!

How exciting!!!! :-)