One of the things I promised myself, when I first started writing this blog, is that I would use this as a way of being real with my own thoughts, as a means of trying to work out what I am feeling.... I'm not the most expressive of people - except through writing. Somehow I have always found it easier to write than to speak about what I think or feel - which completely drives Hubby mad, because he prefers me to talk than to have to read about it!
This kind of walk which we're going through, which seems so endless and hopeless, also has made it harder for me to connect with the God Who I have always depended on. We all go through those times when God seems so far away, when our cries, our pleading,our prayers seem to surround us with their taunting echoing - as though bouncing around and around the cold stone walls which have built up around me. When the silence from God is so deafening, it hurts, and my heart is weary from all the tears.
I have never gone through such a long struggle to connect with my Saviour, as I seem to be going through at this moment... and as much as I would love to see an end to the infertility challenge, I would also love to see an end to the silence of heaven. I love to study His Word, and gain so much from those times - but that personal one-on-one connection which we all long for with Heavenly Father... this is missing. Maybe it's because I have made myself busy, in order to try to handle this Journey? Maybe it's because I am battle weary? Maybe it's the anger at what we are struggling with? Maybe it's the endlessness of the Journey? Maybe it's the seemingly unanswered prayers over these last few years? Maybe it's because Hubby and I aren't as united in our desperation to seek God as we should be? Maybe it's all this and more.
I'm not posting this in the hope for pity or anything... I'm posting it because I believe that there are many others in the same Journey for Bubba who may also be feeling so distant from God, who may also experience that same sense of aloneness, desperation and sadness, in thinking God has forgotten about us, about the promise for us to be a mother, has turned His back on us and has become as bored with our pleas as we have become with repeating ourselves.
But regardless of how we feel, "Everything is going to be OK"
God not only comforts us in our grief and loneliness, He wipes our tears, collecting them as they flow - each precious heartfelt sob from the heart - and places them in a special place. When we are with Him, He will show you exactly how close He was to you. He hasn't stopped caring about you, or what you are going through, because nothing can separate you from the love He lavishes on you. Whatever else you think and feel about your Journey, somehow we have to look past this, and hold onto the truth that our Heavenly Father hasn't given up on us, and that He is trying to speak to us, as much as we are trying to listen. His grace is sufficient to carry you through each day - each heart-breaking month which passes, each grief-stricken sob of hopelessness. He will never leave you. He will never abandon you. He won't give up on the plans and promises He has for you. So whatever you feel... reflect on these things, and may they keep you close to God, embraced in His strong arms of love and support, and may you find rest in His peace.
- Bubba's Hopeful Mumma
- Hi. Welcome to my "taboo" blog. My name is Steph, and when I first started this, I was still in my thirties. In 2017, I switch decades! I am a Christian, so underlying everything I do and say is the Word of God, and the foundational truths I have learnt over the years. This doesn't mean I'm perfect - I am human. It just means I recognise I need God's help to live this life and try to live out His way, as best I can. So that's me in a nutshell. Thanks for taking the time to read through my blog, I hope you draw strength, hope or encouragement from what you read.