Urge to Hug

One of the terms used to describe the feelings which accompany the infertility struggle, relates to our empty arms. The desire to hold someone, to hug and protect and cherish our own, is sometimes so strong, it is a physical representation of the ache in our hearts as a result of our empty womb.

Recently, the desire to hold my own baby has been so overwhelmingly strong, it's hard to explain, and even harder to tell anyone as the desire builds within. The fear of being told, "How do you know what you're missing, you've never had a baby." Or being told I'm just being silly, I think has silenced me on these occasions. The struggle of infertility just seems to be unrelenting and it is such a private emotional journey, to have someone try to diminish my feelings as foolish or silly would add to my sense of isolation on this path.

It feels like a huge drop in the depths of my stomach, my inner man, when I realise this is not going to happen. That I have no child to hold. No comfort to give. No reassurance to offer in the warmth of my arms. It is that sense of dread about the unmet desire which literally falls from my heart and buries itself in the depth of my spirit. 

Especially with all the glowing Facebook posts from proud parents photographing their child's first day at school/ big school etc.

This is part of the journey. A journey which has no light at the end...in fact, there doesn't even seem to be an end to it. And so, it's a case of hiding myself in my Heavenly Father's arms. Resting in the warmth if His embrace and allow Him to wipe away my tears. 

This is, of course, spiritually speaking. How nice it would be to find that comfort in reality too.

Father God, I thank You because You never belittle or minimise our feelings, or the way we allow the journey of infertility to affect us, even after all these years. Father, I pray that when the desire for a baby threatens to overwhelm, that You would overwhelm that sense of dread and hopelessness with Your shalom. In Jesus name I pray.

Overwhelmed

I want a baby!

Hubby is currently away, spending time with his son, and it's giving me time to think and wonder what it would be like to spend time with my own child. It doesn't help when Hubby handed the phone to my Step-Son who thought it was his mum and so called me "mum". 

What would it be really like to be called "mum", like for real? 
By my own child? 
To actually belong to someone in that way???

There's only so long I can stay strong for, before the hurt begins to overwhelm me... and today is one of those days. A day of unmet longings. A day of wondering. A day of sadness. A day of heaviness. A day of recognising the loneliness, rather than trying to run from it, or hide from it. 

To admit - I want a baby.

And though it has been thrown at me, "You're too desperate" is that such a bad thing??
I am desperate.
Desperate to have a child of my own.
Desperate to be a mum.


God is our strength, and draws closest to us when we feel furthest away from His embrace. 

A Wasted Month

Recently, my doctor's surgery has closed down, and all we patients were "merged" with a local medical centre. It's a swanky new build, with a "cheese counter" ticket machine and visual flashy thing to let you know when the Doctor is ready to see you, to save the Receptionist from shouting over the counter.

Having recently recovered from tonsillitis, I have realised why starting with a new doctor, is like starting the whole fertility journey from the beginning. Had he been aware that Hubby and I are TTC, I wouldn't have been prescribed the antibiotics which clearly states on the information leaflet "do not take if you are pregnant, breast-feeding, or trying to conceive". Had I not been rendered incapable by the tonsillitis, I might have thought to say something when asked, "are you allergic to anything" like, "No, but I am TTC".

So here's to a wasted month... Who knows what could have been - though probably wouldn't have been!

This Journey of Bubba involves a complete change of life-style, and a deepened awareness of so many things, which most people who "fall" pregnant so quickly have no idea about. It's not a temporary thing either - it's an on-going decision, at every stage, in every situation to make choices, and often be open about what we are trying to achieve in our marriage. For an indefinite length of time. Sharing with complete randoms the private and personal life of our marriage.

That's not easy.


Father God, I pray You would give us strength for the long-haul of this Journey for Bubba, because without You sustaining us, we could so easily become overwhelmed by it all. In Jesus name.

The Dark Side Of Infertility

My heart goes out to the Hubby and family of Nicola Starr - she wasn't anyone I knew, but I read of her story and can identify with her struggle. Nicola Starr was a 37 wife who had been trying to have a baby with her Hubby of 12 years, but was unsuccessful, suffering a miscarriage after IVF treatment. Read the report about Nicola Starr here.

As a result, she became depressed; and after fertility treatment was stopped in 2008, Nicola began to drink, attempting suicide on a number of occasions. She also lost her job, and had an accident which affected her health, adding to her pain and depression. Nicola died from an overdose, earlier this year. 

The sad fact is that infertility does have this type of affect on seemingly normal women... women who are strong, women in the Church who are strong in their faith, women who look like they have it all together. There are many of us who have suffered with depression on some level - and dare I say - some of us have even contemplated the purpose of life if we can't conceive, considering death - no doubt there will be women who read this who have actually attempted suicide. Yes - even in the Church.

Father God, I lift up the Husband and family of Nicola Starr, and pray that You would comfort them and lead them to a place where they will come to know Your presence as you carry them through the valley of death. I pray, Lord, that You will make Yourself known to all of them.

And Lord, I ask that You would draw close to any woman who is in such a dark place in her Journey through fertility, that You would be her light - that You would turn Your ace toward her, cause Your light to shine upon her, showing her mercy and grace and hope in her situation. I pray that for every whisper in her mind that death is a way out, You would combat the lie with the truth of Your life. Oh Lord, even now - let her know she is not alone. Through thought, through word, through deed - a knock on the door, a verbal message, a text, an email, phonecall, or any other electronic means... Lord bring hope and encouragement at this very moment for all those who feel as Nicola felt... for those who don't know You - may they come to know You and rely on You in this storm, and for those who do know You, may they draw closer to You, knowing You will never leave her nor forsake her. In Jesus name I pray.

The Picnic And The Postman's Present

There is a saying which I have heard which goes something like, "If you've never had it, you can't miss it." I have to say that after the Bank Holiday weekend, I completely disagree with this... when it comes to children and families, you really can miss what you don't have!

Hubby's Best Man came to stay for the weekend and brought his two children up, at the same time that we had my Gorgeous Stepson to stay for the weekend. I loved having a busy household, and loved having the house full of giggling children, especially the little pink shadow who I acquired from the time of their arrival to their departure! It's was absolutely gorgeous having a four year old girl paint my toenails, and want me to put make-up on her and stuff... a lovely lovely experience!!

Before the arrival of our guests, I went shopping to stock up on food, and had to really reign myself in... there are so many "child-friendly" products. and so many foods aimed at little boys, and others aimed at little girls... even yoghurts with Princesses and Cars on them...! I could easily have bought everything!!! I did decide to buy a sparkly bubble bath for the little girl as everything we have is geared toward my Gorgeous Stepson! Oh... and a "little pony" with plaited hair... not to mention the football cards and magazine... and the Moshi Monsters magazine with trump cards!!! OK... I did go a little overboard, with the colouring pencils... and the dot-to-dot book.. but when do I have any little girls in the house!

The day after they arrived, we all took a picnic and went out for the day. It was such a blessing to have the two boys playing together and the little girl joining in when she could. eating our picnic among the other families which had gathered in the popular picnic spot, such a perfect day. Then the two dads took the three children to a play area a little way away from where our picnic blankets and hamper were laid out. And I was left to hold the fort.

I looked around me, watching the mum playing with her little boy. Watching the new parents with their tiny baby. Listened to the family behind me playing frisbee, observed the three generations of a family laughing and generally people-watching.

And suddenly, I felt alone.
I really felt like I was missing something.
Really wished I had my own family... my own real family.
To hear a little voice calling me "mummy" instead of by my first name.
To have my own child enjoying the child-friendly goodies I had bought for our picnic.

In that moment, in the sunshine, surrounded by so many families of varying sizes, I really understood in a huge way what I was missing - even though I have never had it.

When we arrived home, the post had arrived. There was a letter for me from the hospital. They were now ready to call me in for the Operation to unblock my tubes, and could I kindly call the number below to discuss the date and time they had scheduled me in for, but if I no longer needed the procedure could I call a different number. Sadly, at this stage, I do still need it.

Hubby was absolutely brilliant, he grasped the enormity of what the weekend had hit me with, and held me close as the tears exploded from the depth of my spirit when we were alone together.


Father God, I thank You, from the depth of my heart, for allowing me the opportunity to be around these three children... even when the little girl tried to follow me into the toilet! Lord, I pray You would really bless our friends, as they make plans for a new life in a new country together, and that You would help their two children to adjust easily, to settle quickly and to make new friends for life. Lord, I ask You would be with my gorgeous Stepson, and I pray that You would allow him to know You for himself, especially in light of the conversation we'd had around the dining table at dinner time. I pray Lord Jesus that You would become His best friend - he already says he believes in You - may he really know You, in spite of the way he is being brought up. 

And Father God, I pray that when the time is right - and help me to be patient before then - You would bring  me my own child. Mine and Hubby's offspring. A gift from You to us. That the four of us would be able to go on our own family picnics, joining the throng of other families with the sound of our laughter and joy. In Jesus name.

Dealing With Disappointment

There's no easy way to deal with disappointment, regardless of whether it's related to TTC or another area of life. Disappointment has caused many a great man or woman to the end of life. But for a woman who is so in tune with her body, she knows the ins and outs of her cycle because of the journey of fertility she has been placed on, disappointment has the opportunity to rear its ugly head regularly.

It's all well and good trying to tell a woman who is TTC not to 'get her hopes up each month' when she is ever watchful of every change in her cycle. Most of us, after the initial excitement at the start of our journey for a baby learn after a few failed attempts to control the hope which fades with each month that passes. But the anticipation which comes from the late arrival of aunt flow, no matter how hard she tries not to get her hopes up, with each day, fear begins to slowly merge into hope.

A woman who is TTC knows her cycle intimately. One or two days late... Ahh that's normal. Three days late... Well that was the longest late start since we started. Four days... This is new territory. Five days... Could this be. When something goes beyond a woman's 'normal' she can't help but wonder what it means. Can't help but wonder if maybe this is the time. She may not verbalize it, but hope grows inside her.

So when that hope is broken, with the arrival of aunt flow, her heart is broken with it and another hard lesson is to be learnt if she is going to survive the next time.

I have three wonderful women in my life who share this journey with me, walking with me hand-in-hand through every twist, every drop in terrain. They are a shoulder to cry on. An ear to listen. A word of encouragement when confusion, frustration, fear or anguish attempts to set in. But most of all, they're my prayer support. Upholding me each time I grieve, praying in hope that one day my womb will no longer be empty. Without these wonderful women of God by my side, this difficult journey would be so much harder. Hubby is fantastic, but there's only so much he understands. These women are mothers with their own stories, who understand me and the path I'm on in a way Hubby can't.

My way of dealing with disappointment starts with one or all of these three women upholding me; in the middle somewhere is chocolate, wine and a good cry; and it ends with God. He knows what it is to want to be a Father, He calls out to His creation every day, longing for us to enter into the relationship we're designed to be in with Him, like a child adopted by the best patent he or she could ever wish for. It ends with God because only He can really comfort and heal the deep brokenness of my empty womb, my heart which yearns for motherhood. Only God knows what it takes each time to build me up again and make me stronger.

Dealing with disappointment is a fact of life. I pray you find a way which works for you, no matter what your journey looks like.

Being a Step-mum, While Trying To Conceive

A step-parent will never ever replace the place of a parent in a child's life or heart. Many of us don't even want to. But the relationship needs to be nurtured, as it isn't a natural parent-child relationship. Obviously, the younger the step-parent is brought into the life of a child, the easier it is for this happen, though this isn't always possible. This has been my experience with my Gorgeous Step-son, who I have known since he was three.

But I am finding, that as Hubby and I are TTC, there are times when I find it really hard to connect with them both. Hubby understands this, to an extent, and tries to draw me in, including me in what is happening throughout the weekend he is with us.

The natural relationship between a child and parent is a beautiful one. I see it so clearly in the way Hubby and my Gorgeous Step-son interact with each other. It's wonderful to observe. But painful too. Painful as I watch them and wonder if or when I will have the honour of experiencing that with my own child. There have been occasions recently when it is too much to bear, and I've had to take myself away from them, because the pain has been too great for me to enjoy our time together. When this happens, I try to find a way to make it up to my Gorgeous Step-son, as it is not his fault I am in this situation.

If you are a natural parent, and your wife or husband is a step-parent who isTTC, it is so important that you talk with each other and ensure the step-parent is included and supported in the change to your situation. I believe it is especially hard for a woman who is the outsider trying to conceive. The instinct to be a mother is there, but the opportunity really isn't there, because as I said at the outset, a step-parent never ever wants to replace the natural parent.

As we draw closer to Christmas, it is becoming a little more difficult this year. As I consider taking my Gorgeous Step-son out to purchase a present from him to his daddy, I am aware that this will be missing from my own life. The joy of a hand-made card or present, a drawing, or a specifically chosen gift are an expression of the bond between a child and his or her parent.

If you are in a step-parent situation, I would urge the natural parent to consider the feelings of the step-parent, and include the whole family at Christmas, with gifts or cards. Maybe you already do. Hubby hasn't quite grasped this, yet, as he never did that kind of thing with either of his step-parents - it hasn't dawned on him that I have a different kind of relationship with my Gorgeous Step-son than he did with his step-parents. He told me after my birthday, that he had thought about getting something from my Gorgeous Step-son to me, but hadn't "got around to it". If you don't get around to it, please don't tell your wife or husband you had thought about it, especially if she is TTC.

A thought needs more, it requires a corresponding action.

Especially as this may be the only link between your child and your wife or husband at being in a parent-child relationship. This may be the only opportunity your wife or husband has at being a "mum" or a "dad".

Booked in...

I walked away from the Doctor's Surgery, clutching the appointment letter in my hand. I had initially shoved it in my bag, not wanting to read it with others around me. But then out in the open air, I just had this overwhelming urge to read it.

As I read though the details, the information was exactly as the lady had told me over the phone. The date of my appointment, the time I was expected. But when I read the department of the hospital I was to visit - that was when the tears threatened to flood down my face.

"Gynecology clinic - infertility department" or something like that... All I can really remember is THAT one word... infertility. It made my stomach churn.

I am NOT infertile! I shouted in my head, loud enough for my ovaries to hear, but silent enough that no one else would notice and think me a crazy lady. I am only 35 - I am still fertile!

Why do they feel the need to label it an "infertility clinic" why not "fertility unit" or something much kinder and less traumatic!! Or why not take out any reference to fertility in the name of the department! Why does it have to sound so brutal.

I am not infertile... I may be a late starter - but I am governed by God, not so much by what the tests may show. I am NOT infertile! I may be struggling to conceive, but hubby has been away a lot, and I have been unable to time our attempts with my ovulation clock! I am not infertile. God knows the times and the seasons He has attributed to hubby and me... He knows the right time for Bubba to be given to us.

So why have I decided to agree to the investigation of why I have not conceived? Does this mean I don't have faith in the Lord whom I profess to trust in? Not at all. Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not yet seen. That describes me in relation to Bubba, and is straight from the Bible (Hebrews 11:1).

The way I see it - forewarned is forearmed!!! If I know whether there is a problem - even a mild blockage or whatever, then I can pray more effectively into the situation, rather than praying blindly. And I can ask other trusted friends to pray with me. I know God knows my body - inside and out. I know He knows whether there is a "problem" or not. He also knows how to "fix" the problem - after all, He did design and create the human body - the female body - the reproductive system - the child-bearing aspect of our design. So He knows how to "put it right"! In Him I will put my trust.