Lord, If You Are Willing...?

I am reading through the Gospels in preparation for a teaching I will be giving on "The Attitude of Christ" at the end of the week. Even when we think we are reading the Bible with one purpose in mind, the Holy Spirit can speak to us about something we weren't expecting, which is what has happened! In case you can relate, let me share what has been whispered into my spirit.

Matthew 8:2
...a leper came and worshipped Him, saying, "Lord, if You are willing, You can make me clean."

I'm not likening my situation with leprosy, but the attitude of the one who approaches Jesus. When I come to Jesus and ask Him for healing, I know He can, "You can make me clean". This is the faith element which urges me to pray for my body to be healed so I can conceive a healthy Bubba, carry the baby to full term and receive the gift of a child. I know that I know God can heal my body. I have no doubt in this regard. After-all, He is Creator of life itself!

And I'm sure many of you would agree with this.

But, what I have just realised, is that like the leper who approaches Jesus, I am not sure if Jesus is willing to heal me: "Lord, if you are willing..."

There have been times when I pray for this one specific desire of my heart for Bubba, that I have become hesitant in my expectation that Jesus might be even willing to reach into my situation and touch my body with His hand of healing. This is different from doubt, doubt is the unbelief in Jesus' ability to heal. This is something else. I'm not sure what it is, but I know it's different.

Maybe this has arisen over the years of my unfulfilled dream for motherhood? Maybe it stems from how I perceive God sees me - after-all, we have all sinned and fallen short of His standard, from the beginning of creation? Maybe it stems from a sense of unworthiness and lack of confidence that I would be worthy of God being willing to answer this one particular prayer?

The leper would have received the message from society that he wasn't worth being a part of society. He was an outcast. He was unclean. He had to ring a bell to warn people if he was walking by. This may have caused him to approach Jesus with the sense of uncertainty that He was worth being touched by the Messiah. Not that I have received this same message.

But the fact remains... "Lord, if You are willing, I know You can heal me; but what I don't know, is if you actually want to."

Abba's Arms

I'm glad that a time will come when we can run into the arms of our Heavenly Father. Because when that day arrives, I just want to run into His arms and cry out to Him, "Abba, why did it take so long? Why for some women does having a baby happen so quickly, so easily; but for others it takes so long and involves so much heartache and sorrow?"

I know that as He answers, He will wipe away my tears, heal the ache in my heart and remove the painful memory of each month's lost potential.  

God's Whisper Into My Broken Heart

I wasn't sure about sharing this, but I would like one day, when Bubba is conceived, I would like to use this to reflect on the Journey the Lord has led me on with Bubba when he or she is old enough to understand how God has planned him or her. 

A few weeks ago, a member of the Church, who is in the same Home Group, called me one Sunday morning, as she'd had a word from the Lord for me. I was going to Church in the evening, and as I was still recovering from the op, I'd decided to only attend the one service. Anyway, she called me after lunch and blew me away with what she shared with me:

She told me she had been praying for me during the morning while she was getting ready for Church, and while she was praying the Lord gave her a picture - a revelation. She said she saw me watching TV, watching the news reports of the new Royal baby's arrival. She said that as she watched me, watching TV, I was wiping tears from my eyes. She said she was taken back to the time in her life when she was trying for a baby, for a son she had been told she would never had, and experienced an overwhelming grief with me as she had felt back then. Then as the reports came to and end, and another programme came on, I shook my hair and wiped my face as if to say "Right then. That's it! Time to just move on with things."

She said after showing her this picture, He told her to tell me two things. One: He is Creator, and His speciality is in new creation. Two: He has not taken me off the mother list.

What this lady didn't know was that Hubby and I were trying for Bubba, and that I had just had an operation to unblock my Fallopian tubes, which had failed. When I said this to her, she said she had always seen me as a career woman with goals and ambition, and had not been confident enough to share the picture with me, without first checking it with our Home Group leader (who knows our situation). 

Neither did she know that the picture the Lord had shown her was EXACTLY how I had been during all the wall-to-wall news reports were being broadcast about the new royal arrival. As I prayed for the new baby and his royal parents, I felt overwhelming grief about my own situation, as I tried to come to terms with the abandoned op I'd had a few days earlier. 

And only the Lord knew how close I was to giving up hope of ever becoming Mumma to our own Bubba. Where science has failed me, God won't. He restored my hope for the future of having Bubba...and my hope for a future, full stop. 

I don't know how long we will have to wait - because God doesn't always reveal a time frame. But He has given me a glimpse into the work He is doing behind the scenes for Hubby and me. God IS the Creator of life - and where my Fallopian tubes have become blocked and are failing at this moment in time, God knows how to bypass this and to make a way for Bubba to be conceived where there seems to be absolutely no way. He is God. He will make a way through for the right sperm to connect with a healthy egg, and for a healthy Bubba to be conceived, implanted and develop. 

Thank You Lord for for whispering Your words of comfort and love, of a hope and a future into me broken heart. Thank You for the faithfulness of women like this who You are able to bring revelation and prophecy to, because they seek Your face. I pray for anyone reading this who needs this kind of encouragement for their own Journey for Bubba, that You would also whisper Your love, comfort, hope and future into their broken hearts, in Jesus' name.

Slamming Doors, But The Still Small Voice Whispers

So as I was talking to God one morning, I was asking Him whether what I had gone through actually had a purpose. The laparoscopic salpingostomy hadn't worked, and it feels like the whole Journey for Bubba is coming undone. I don't know how to rescue the hope for Bubba. 

I listed the various doors which had been slammed shut in my face:

• I'm over 35. SLAM!
• Hubby and I have been trying for our own child, but after two years, are still childless. SLAM!
• I have a blocked Fallopian Tube. SLAM!
• The laparoscopic salpingostomy which was supposed to unblock it was abandoned. SLAM!
• I tried to take the fertility drug Clomid to stimulate development of the eggs, but had a severe allergic reaction to it. SLAM!
• The Consultant had told me that my only option, really, was IVF. SLAM!
• If IVF was ethically an option for me, if Hubby hadn't already had a son and I was eligible for the free treatment, I wouldn't be able to anyway because of my allergy to Clomid. SLAM!
• Natural IVF is still expensive, and doesn't have a hugely successful live birth rate. SLAM!

OK, seriously God, what is going on here?????????

A still, small voice whispered, "I am clearing the way to demonstrate My power and authority over your situation."

When there are no other doors open, this has to mean God, who is able to do the impossible, HAS to step in to do what only He can do. I have no other options to take. No other routes to travel. No other doors to walk through. Only God can make it possible for me to meet my own Bubba. I just need to find the door that leads to the faith and hope that God will do what is impossible.

Many have said to me, "what about adoption?" Bt to be honest, I don't want to be a Mumma for the sake of being  a Mumma. I want to be Mumma to Bubba who is born out of the love and committment Hubby and I share in our marriage. That's the only kind of Mumma I want to be.

Now, where is that open door!

Used Because of My Brokenness

You know that God is working things out in your heart when He gives you the strength in spite of your brokenness! It's not always easy to say to Him, here I am Lord, use me as You will, because you don't know what He will want you to do!!!

But I knew God gave me the strength I needed in Church recently, when a woman who is pregnant came to me and asked me to pray for her, as she was experiencing pain during her seventh week. Submitting to the leading of the Holy Spirit, I found I was able to pray, without crying!

It's funny how God takes our brokenness, and turns things around so that His light can shine through us. So no matter where you are at, I would encourage you to say of the Lord, "here I am, use me", then be amazed at how He chooses to work through you. Even in those situations you would never have chosen for yourself.

I Believe You're My Healer

A few weeks ago, I was asked to sing the song "Healer" which Kari Jobe did a beautiful version of. It was at a women's conference following the testimony of a friend of mine who'd been healed from cancer after a visit from one of the Lord's servant during the night.

So right in the middle of the tests I've been having I sang, from my heart, with my hand on my belly, as if it was just me and Jesus:

"You hold my every moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through the fire
And heal all my disease

I trust in You
Lord I trust in You

I believe You're my Healer
I believe You are all I need
Oh yes You are, yes You are Lord
I believe You're my portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus You're all I need"

No matter what we face, we can be assured of Jesus's presence with us.
For hubby and I, knowing Jesus is right there walking us through our difficult journey, means we can say with confidence, "I trust in You Lord, You're all I need".