When Dreams and Reality Refuse to Align!

According to an article Daily Mail today, nearly a fifth of British women in their late 30's early 40's struggle to conceive (read the article here).

I certainly fit in this bracket, approaching the big 4-Ohhh next year. While the article suggests that one of the reasons for this is down to more women focussing on their careers above starting a family, I disagree that this can be attributed to most of us with a degree! 

I didn't choose to focus on getting my career sorted before starting a family. Life has just worked out that way. I would have loved to have had the chance to settle down with the right guy, and start a family much, much sooner. But alas, our dreams and our reality rarely collide in beautiful alignment, like they seem to do in films! 

In my case - reality was as far apart from my dream, as the east is from the west! But sure, oh great science boffins. Blame women for wanting to have a better life while she waits for the right man to enter stage right, whisk her off toward marriage and to start a family. 

I mean seriously - what is one more element of blame for a woman who is already struggling to come to terms with the fact she seems unable to accomplish the most basic of functions for the woman's body!

The other aspect of the article, which really strikes a chord with me is this - if a fifth of women in our society are struggling / have struggled to conceive, how many women in our Churches are grappling with this reality? 

Encouragement In Random Places

A couple of months ago, I was invited to be interviewed for the Salvation Army's War Cry about my journey with infertility. I met with the girl conducting the interview and we had a good old chat.... I even somehow managed to not cry, although I think this is more to do the fact that I'd brought a packet of tissues with me. If I hadn't, guaranteed I would have burst into waterfalls while telling the story of my struggle.

Needless to say that once the article had been printed and sent to me, I completely forgot about it, kinda assuming that only Salvationists would read it... And I didn't think I knew any.

But then!
In my paid job, one of the roles I have is to organise the annual international conference. This year's event just finished on Sunday. So I was completely taken aback when a couple stopped me in my tracks, enroute to sorting out some minor crises, and told me that they had accidentally bought a copy of that ONE issue of War Cry which contained my interview....and they knew me because they happened to support and pray for the organisation I work with.

Wow!
Small world!

They were really encouraging actually. She had married him late in life, after his first wife had died (they were in their 70s) and so she had never had children of her own. She could relate to an extent with what I had shared, and thought it was a brave thing to have done, but so necessary as there are too many people who are going through the stuff of infertility but it NEVER gets spoken about.

They left me with the assurance that they would be praying for me, and had been since reading the interview.

So yeah, you never know how God is going to use the most random of situations to impact, enourage or inspire any of us! :-)


Father God, I thank You and praise You because although I may never know how the interview was received, I know from the one conversations have had about it, that people who have read it are being challenged, encouraged and may gain some insight into the life of a friend or loved one who is struggling to conceive. Father, I pray that if it is Your will for me to speak out about this more, I would never shy away from the vulnerability of being so open, so You can comfort and help someone else. In Jesus name. 

Step Into My World

Over the weekend, I spent some time with some friends I haven't seen for years, since I moved out of London, actually. It was really good to catch up with them, and we had plenty of time to really share what was happening in our lives, and what God was doing! You know, them late night chats over a glass of wine and a few bars of chocolate!!

At one point during the weekend, someone asked me, "How do you handle not being able to handle a baby? Is it a bit like, you know when you're single and you're longing to be married, and you're crying out to God to bring you a husband... that kind of thing?"

I loved this question! It meant my friends were genuinely trying to understand what it is like to live with infertility.

And so it opened up an opportunity to share with them the reality of what it's like.

It's not really like the "singleness issue", because when you're trying for a baby and not able to have one, your body is not behaving in the way it naturally should be as a woman, that it creates a huge empty ache within your heart which matches the emptiness of the arms which so want to hold a baby of your own. It's something which underpins every aspect of your life, challenging your very faith in God and in the plans He has for your life. Whenever you see a pregnant woman, a newborn, a family, even if they are close friends or family you love, it smacks you in the face with the reminder of what you don't have. Hanging out with friends can be incredibly lonely, especially if you are the only one who doesn't have children, because it is so natural for women to discuss their families and challenges of being a mother. No matter how much you try to not think about what your body is failing to do, every single month you are reminded of what you're failing at, because you are so aware of your body's cycle, you know when you might have caught it in any given month, and a quiet hope slowly builds within you each and every month that happens, thinking, hoping, praying, believing, trusting that THIS MONTH might be the one you have conceived... and as the day of your period draws closer, you become more stressed, more anxious, more watchful for any sign you might be pregnant, and when your period starts, your hope comes crashing to the floor, and you literally don't feel as though you can face that day, don't feel that you can face the next cycle, don't feel that you will ever have your own baby, that you begin to question whether God really does have a plan for your life, or if He has forgotten where you live - because it seems that even that girl down the road who isn't married and doesn't have a partner can manage to get pregnant. And yet, the cycle has already started again, and takes you on another roller-coaster journey, whether you are ready for the ride or not.

Then there are the emotions... The guilt that you can't give your husband what you both want, the guilt that you maybe don't have enough faith, the guilt that you're doubting God even cares about you or your future, the fear of the future, the fear of never having your own child, the fear that you'll die a lonely old woman without family, the anxiety, the stress, the heartache, the isolation, the emptiness, the frustration, the anger, the torment, the hurting, the longing, the deep overwhelming sadness, the grief at another egg wasted - another potential life that could have been a beautiful son or daughter, and with it the hope for the future... and soooo much more!

And the spiritual impact as a Christian woman who has been in the Church since the day I was born... how much this has affected my relationship with God, and the foundation I had built upon Him: About how you can read passages from the Bible and it hits you about what you are missing, that if God blesses people through children, why is He not blessing me, why does He bless someone who is preparing to abort their baby, but withholding the blessing from people like me who desperately want our own child, that maybe I have done something wrong, and this is His punishment, that if God blesses to the generations beyond... does that mean His plans and blessings for my family stops with me because there will be no generations to come??

And then there's the stuff people say!!! Oh those wonderful, well-meaning Christians who glibly proclaim to have all the answers... Just relax it'll happen, God will bring you a huuuuge family in one go when the time is right, God is building your character, you could adopt, at least you have your nephews close-by, at least you are a step-mum, you could get a pet, go on holiday together and let God make it happen in His timing...! And sooooo much more!!

So yes, I really did appreciate these friends actually stepping into my world, in an attempt to understand what it is like. And I hope that God opens the dialogue more and more for those of us walking the infertility journey, that more people will take the time to step onto the path with us, because there are times when it is so overwhelming, to know someone is silently walking beside you, supporting you, without pretending they have the answers, without being so super-spiritual they miss your pain, is a comfort.


Father God, Your word says, "When one part suffers, we all suffer" as well as "when one part rejoices, we all rejoice". I pray that we would take the time to really step into each others worlds, so that when someone you have placed in our life is suffering, we can walk alongside them, as well as allow others to walk alongside us. I pray that somehow, we would learn to be more authentic, and take the time to really understand what people are going through, instead of glibly giving them our understanding of their problem. In Jesus name.

God's Connections

So I was sitting alone, watching TV, eating rich dark chocolate and drinking a delicious chilled glass of Rose, in between the tears, trying to comprehend the concept of the news I'd just received. The prospect of needing to have surgery in a last-ditch attempt for Medical Intervention, to try and clear the Blocked Fallopian Tube which has so far been hindering Hubby and me from conceiving, was quite a lot to take in, when I had a call out-of-the-blue from a friend. 

She had been trying to find out who "Bubba's Hopeful Mumma" was until a mutual friend of ours had connected us (I had recently told her I had been writing this as a way of helping myself to process what was happening and had sent her a link which she had forwarded onto friends who are also dealing with subfertility). It turns out we were both walking on the same path, silently thinking we were alone in our walks! Turns out we had both felt like God wasn't listening to the cries of our hearts. Turns out we both had felt like avoiding the Sunday service on Mother's Day. Turns out we thought we had lost contact apart from the odd Facebook like or comment, but God had other plans! 

Too often we hide our own pain out of the fear of how we will be perceived by others, out of a sense of guilt at our failure to do or be what should be natural, or out of a sense of wanting to not be a burden to anyone, but God has a difference way of helping us to deal with our painful Journey for Bubba:

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 

We find comfort in our individual Journey from the Holy Spirit - the Comforter Jesus promised to us - and we are then able to comfort one another, encourage others who are also on the same path, supporting each other, instead of allowing each of us to feel alone on this path. 

We had a great time sharing on the phone, laughing at those crazy mood-swing moments, releasing the pain of the monthly struggle with someone who not only empathises  but who totally understands, because she is on the same path. We could encourage one another and help to build each other's faith up because there are times, even during the past week, when my faith is reduced to the size of the smallest of the small mustard seeds. 

Oh how we need this. 

Oh how we need to be able to share our stories.

Oh how we need to know we are not alone in our struggle to conceive Bubba.

Same path... different Journey!


Lord, I pray that as each woman who knows You encounters the path of infertility, that You would place a support around her of women who are also on the same path. I pray that You would make it clear to her that she is not alone on her Journey for Bubba, but that You would create a network of like-minded women around each other who understands what each is going through and will encourage and support her, to pick her up when she stumbles, to remind her it is OK to grieve when her heart is filled with sorrow and who will cry with her, and laugh with her. Lord, I pray that You would awaken the Church to the bigger issues surrounding subfertility and that we would become a safe-haven for all couples who are struggling to conceive. In Jesus name I pray.

Encouraged By My Church

I have been really encouraged recently by the support of my local Church. As a speaker at the Women's Conference last year, my talk included the current story of my struggle to conceive. God had challenged me at the time to be open about what I was going through, which was so fresh for me... the week before the conference I'd had to have the HSG xray and the week after I'd had to have another blood test! But when I decided to submit wholeheartedly to the Lord, that means submit (Annoyingly!), even when I'd rather hide away!

As a result, I have found out that there are at least two other women on a similar journey. One for twelve years. One for eight years. One of these ladies has become a fantastic source of strength, encouragement and support for me.

Another outcome of sharing my story is a huge amount of prayer support I have received from the Church. At the beginning of the year we joined together on a period of prayer and fasting; on the list of prayer points was "healing for couples who are struggling to conceive". This was a huge blessing, as there are so many women who are struggling in their silent battle, alone. The Church isn't always great at dealing with some of the issues which may not affect the majority - eg singleness and infertility. The fact that my Church leaders had recognised that the issue is a big one for the women in our Church, is a huge encouragement.

The biggest source of encouragement came recently, when out of the blue, one of the Pastors phoned me to say that a couple of women in the Prayer Team had gone into the Church one morning, having felt a burden to pray for the women in the congregation who were struggling to conceive a baby. Random act of kindness on their part. Reassurance from God that He is working on all our cases.

If you can, pray for women in your own congregation who have to face this issue month-after-month. You may not necessarily know who they are, but God does. Maybe He will find a way to let that woman know she has been covered in prayer - I can promise you it will make her feel less alone on this journey, and encouraged by the silent support you offer her.

Father God, thank You for stirring the spirits of those women to pray for me and the others in our congregation who are TTC. Thank You for seeing into our silent cries and the prayers of our own hearts, and joining other voices to ours. Thank You for prompting others to cover us in prayer - bless them Lord for their faithful obedience to You. I ask that you would stir other women to pray and cover our sisters who are TTC - whether we know the story of their journey or not. In Jesus name I pray.