God's Whisper Into My Broken Heart

I wasn't sure about sharing this, but I would like one day, when Bubba is conceived, I would like to use this to reflect on the Journey the Lord has led me on with Bubba when he or she is old enough to understand how God has planned him or her. 

A few weeks ago, a member of the Church, who is in the same Home Group, called me one Sunday morning, as she'd had a word from the Lord for me. I was going to Church in the evening, and as I was still recovering from the op, I'd decided to only attend the one service. Anyway, she called me after lunch and blew me away with what she shared with me:

She told me she had been praying for me during the morning while she was getting ready for Church, and while she was praying the Lord gave her a picture - a revelation. She said she saw me watching TV, watching the news reports of the new Royal baby's arrival. She said that as she watched me, watching TV, I was wiping tears from my eyes. She said she was taken back to the time in her life when she was trying for a baby, for a son she had been told she would never had, and experienced an overwhelming grief with me as she had felt back then. Then as the reports came to and end, and another programme came on, I shook my hair and wiped my face as if to say "Right then. That's it! Time to just move on with things."

She said after showing her this picture, He told her to tell me two things. One: He is Creator, and His speciality is in new creation. Two: He has not taken me off the mother list.

What this lady didn't know was that Hubby and I were trying for Bubba, and that I had just had an operation to unblock my Fallopian tubes, which had failed. When I said this to her, she said she had always seen me as a career woman with goals and ambition, and had not been confident enough to share the picture with me, without first checking it with our Home Group leader (who knows our situation). 

Neither did she know that the picture the Lord had shown her was EXACTLY how I had been during all the wall-to-wall news reports were being broadcast about the new royal arrival. As I prayed for the new baby and his royal parents, I felt overwhelming grief about my own situation, as I tried to come to terms with the abandoned op I'd had a few days earlier. 

And only the Lord knew how close I was to giving up hope of ever becoming Mumma to our own Bubba. Where science has failed me, God won't. He restored my hope for the future of having Bubba...and my hope for a future, full stop. 

I don't know how long we will have to wait - because God doesn't always reveal a time frame. But He has given me a glimpse into the work He is doing behind the scenes for Hubby and me. God IS the Creator of life - and where my Fallopian tubes have become blocked and are failing at this moment in time, God knows how to bypass this and to make a way for Bubba to be conceived where there seems to be absolutely no way. He is God. He will make a way through for the right sperm to connect with a healthy egg, and for a healthy Bubba to be conceived, implanted and develop. 

Thank You Lord for for whispering Your words of comfort and love, of a hope and a future into me broken heart. Thank You for the faithfulness of women like this who You are able to bring revelation and prophecy to, because they seek Your face. I pray for anyone reading this who needs this kind of encouragement for their own Journey for Bubba, that You would also whisper Your love, comfort, hope and future into their broken hearts, in Jesus' name.

Dehydrated Feet

I don't know what it was, but after my stint in the hospital following my op, I noticed my feet - which were normally OK - became really dry. Maybe it was the result of not having anything to drink for so long leading up to the procedure, my body became dehydrated. I don't know. But they were awful!! I know some people have an issue with feet, but I normally love my feet, but for weeks, they were an embarrassment to me!!

I literally tried everything I could think of, to try and sort them out... My mum had even bought me one of those Ped Egg things... but even this didn't seem to help!

I then came across Palmer's Foot Magic... at the risk of sounding like a bad advert... It is brilliant!! After the first time of using it, putting my little cotton socks on, already my feet look like their old selves!!! I'm not quite so ashamed of them, and wish I'd found this stuff earlier.

If you are facing an op where you can't eat or drink prior to the procedure, and your body has the potential to become dehydrated - invest in some kind of foot loving cream / lotion / / treatment / mask... your feet will love you for it!! Prevention is better than cure!

I'd had no idea that my feet would have been affected by dehydration like they were - or I believe them to have been. In all the pre-op stuff, there was no warning, which is why I thought I'd let you know!!

Bad advert over!! Lol!

Stitches Removed

It's been five weeks since the op... five weeks since my body was invaded by surgeons trying to help me. Five weeks since the stitches - which were supposed to be dissolving by themselves within a couple of weeks - have finally been removed. Finally!!

The pain has drastically reduced! And what a huge blessing!!! 

I don't know why the stitches didn't dissolve... the first thought which comes to mind is, "Did they put the wrong type in??" The second is, "Why didn't they dissolve??" I may not ever really know - an internet search doesn't really offer much of a suggestion. One of the stitches had become stuck, as the wounds were healing around it - which was the most painful one for the nurse to remove!

But in light of the discomfort and pain caused by the stitches having become hard, pulling on my skin when I moved, catching on my clothing - the removal of them was so bearable!

Now, hopefully, the wounds can heal easily, properly and without much scarring. Although every single one of those scars I will show to Bubba when he or she eventually arrives, to show the lengths Hubby and I went to, for Bubba to be conceived. Every single one of those scars will show our child how much we wanted him or her, and how much he or she is loved. Every scar will tell the story back to Bubba.

In the same way, every scar Jesus endured on the cross, tells the story to each one of us of His love for us, and how valuable we are to Him. Every scar tells the story of the lengths Jesus went through, to ensure we would be adopted into His family, through the decision we make to follow Him. Every scar - our story.

Stitches Still Haven't Dissolved

So, it's almost five weeks since I had the op, and since I was told the stitches were dissolvable and would disappear on their own in about 2-3 weeks. Five weeks since I was discharged from the hospital, and told to visit my local nurse if I had any problems. Obviously, the infection was something the GP had to sort out rather than the nurse, and I wonder if that has affected the dissolving of the stitches. I'm also slightly concerned as I have to wonder if the fact there is an issue with the external stitches could be an indication of the internal ones as well? How would anyone know??

I called my local GP to fix an appointment with the nurse last week, but they were fully booked and I had to wait till this week. I did have the opportunity to speak to the nurse though, only for her to tell me that with them being dissolvable stitches, she couldn't touch them, and she referred me back to the outpatients. They referred me back to the nurse... have you ever felt like a tennis ball???

I spoke to the nurse this morning though, and she said she is happy to look at them knowing the hospital have absolved themselves of all responsibility of me. Yippee me!

In the meantime though... the pain as the stitches pull - at least I hope that's what's happening, but as a non-medical-type person, I have no idea what is happening... I just feel the incredibly sharp stab of pain at odd times when I move. Like on Saturday when we went for a walk, and on our way back to the car walked back up the hill we'd walked (run/fallen!!!) down... Ouch!! The stitches weren't so keen on that action. And then today, as I was doing a big clean... again, Ouch!!! The stitches made their protest felt. I can kind of understand those actions affecting them. But then after dinner, as I stood to take my stuff into the kitchen... Ouch! Like, seriously... why?? Down went the paracetamol, and up went the hope the nurse will make it all better when I see her on Wednesday.

Encouragement From an Unbelieving Relative

Hubby and I visited his Nana for dinner. She had bought a bunch of flowers for me, to cheer me up. But then she said something which took me by surprise. It was the kind of statement Christians usually say to each other, but as she is not a Christian, I kind of felt that there was more to it.

She said to me, "I felt so sad for you when I heard the operation hadn't worked, I really did. But don't give up, flower, I don't believe that's the end of the road for you. I know miracles do happen, and I think that's what's going to happen for you - a miracle."

As I said, the fact that she is not a Christian meant more to me that she had said this, and I hope and pray that the Lord will show her how her words of faith are part of the miracle journey I seem to be on.

Slamming Doors, But The Still Small Voice Whispers

So as I was talking to God one morning, I was asking Him whether what I had gone through actually had a purpose. The laparoscopic salpingostomy hadn't worked, and it feels like the whole Journey for Bubba is coming undone. I don't know how to rescue the hope for Bubba. 

I listed the various doors which had been slammed shut in my face:

• I'm over 35. SLAM!
• Hubby and I have been trying for our own child, but after two years, are still childless. SLAM!
• I have a blocked Fallopian Tube. SLAM!
• The laparoscopic salpingostomy which was supposed to unblock it was abandoned. SLAM!
• I tried to take the fertility drug Clomid to stimulate development of the eggs, but had a severe allergic reaction to it. SLAM!
• The Consultant had told me that my only option, really, was IVF. SLAM!
• If IVF was ethically an option for me, if Hubby hadn't already had a son and I was eligible for the free treatment, I wouldn't be able to anyway because of my allergy to Clomid. SLAM!
• Natural IVF is still expensive, and doesn't have a hugely successful live birth rate. SLAM!

OK, seriously God, what is going on here?????????

A still, small voice whispered, "I am clearing the way to demonstrate My power and authority over your situation."

When there are no other doors open, this has to mean God, who is able to do the impossible, HAS to step in to do what only He can do. I have no other options to take. No other routes to travel. No other doors to walk through. Only God can make it possible for me to meet my own Bubba. I just need to find the door that leads to the faith and hope that God will do what is impossible.

Many have said to me, "what about adoption?" Bt to be honest, I don't want to be a Mumma for the sake of being  a Mumma. I want to be Mumma to Bubba who is born out of the love and committment Hubby and I share in our marriage. That's the only kind of Mumma I want to be.

Now, where is that open door!

Infected Wound.. Hope Restored

When I took off the dressing, I knew something wasn't right. Maybe it was the unpleasant aroma. Maybe the crusty yellow stuff. Maybe it was the weeping stuff. Either which way, I knew I had to go to the doctor to get it checked.

And yep, my suspicions were correct! One of the wounds from the surgery had become infected. Lovely! At least this explained the prolonged pain in that particular area! Although, following the news reports the day after I was discharged from the hospital about 14 hospitals being put on special measures, I shouldn't have been surprised... mine was one of the four which had been placed on the extra special emergency measures!!!

Anyway, the doctor I saw nearly had me in tears. He was a new or temporary doctor who I hadn't seen before. When he realised what I'd had done, and the fact that the surgeon had had to abandon the procedure, he kindly asked me what they had advised they could do for me now. I told him about my allergy to Clomid and that IVF was off the table. We spoke about Natural IVF (me explaining what it was to him!!) for a while, and then he prescribed me with antibiotics to clear the infection.

In talking to him, I realised how dangerously close to feeling depressed I was. Not the sadness at the situation, but at my sense of hopelessness at it. I am sad, of course, at the failed surgery, and the apparent hopelessness of the future chances for Bubba. But if I know God, and I do, then He has promised He has a hope and a future for me. At this stage, I have no idea what it looks like. But in the midst of my hopelessness, I have to hold on to the hope I have in Him.

Phew... this faith thing is hard! I don't know what to hope for, at this stage. But I do know God is upholding me as He gently leads me. He is my hope. He is my shalom. He is my future.