Discharged

I have just come had an appointment with one of my Consultant's team. I wasn't sure what to expect, really - I thought he might want to check my scars from the op and talk about the options open to us, or something. Hubby couldn't make it, as the appointment was brought forward a week following a cancellation, and neither could my Sis-in Law.  So I went alone.

Actually, when I was ushered into the room, the junior doctor seemed to have an agenda... He told me that there is nothing more the NHS can do for me, and my only option is IVF (although he was supposed to have read my notes prior to me walking into the room; if he had, he'd have known IVF is not an an option for me, following the severe reaction to Clomid), and asking me about egg sharing or egg donation, and would I consider it if I pursued IVF.

I politely explained IVF wasn't an option for me. It turns out he's misunderstood the Consultant's notes when he'd read "possible referral to CARE" thinking this meant IVF, when it actually had been in reference to a discussion I'd had with my Consultant about Natural IVF... he stopped talking about egg sharing!

He then told me that as the NHS had nothing more they could do for me, I was being discharged. His nurse handed me a leaflet on CARE, in case I did want to look into Natural IVF later down the line, then he told me to "take care".

I was so glad I had my heels on, there's just something about a good pair of high - skyscraper high - heels to make you walk tall after a blow like that. Being discharged brought home the reality of the chapter closing. The door slamming in my face. While I was still "on the books" (so to speak), it felt like there had still been a glimmer of something being left open for me... somehow... even though I knew in reality there wasn't. Daft, I know!

I reckon when I left the room, the consultant and the nurse looked at each other like, "why was she so calm??" OK, so it wasn't just the shoes... The shalom of Jesus kept me from bursting into tears at that moment. Knowing that God has spoken to me, that He will make a way for Bubba, where science and medicine has fallen short, that's what held me together when I left the hospital.

I treated myself to a Costa coffee and muffin and left... this is the last appointment I will have in relation to the fertility problems I have been having. Hopefully the next time I enter, will be as the Journey for Bubba ends and the Journey with Bubba begins...

Stitches Removed

It's been five weeks since the op... five weeks since my body was invaded by surgeons trying to help me. Five weeks since the stitches - which were supposed to be dissolving by themselves within a couple of weeks - have finally been removed. Finally!!

The pain has drastically reduced! And what a huge blessing!!! 

I don't know why the stitches didn't dissolve... the first thought which comes to mind is, "Did they put the wrong type in??" The second is, "Why didn't they dissolve??" I may not ever really know - an internet search doesn't really offer much of a suggestion. One of the stitches had become stuck, as the wounds were healing around it - which was the most painful one for the nurse to remove!

But in light of the discomfort and pain caused by the stitches having become hard, pulling on my skin when I moved, catching on my clothing - the removal of them was so bearable!

Now, hopefully, the wounds can heal easily, properly and without much scarring. Although every single one of those scars I will show to Bubba when he or she eventually arrives, to show the lengths Hubby and I went to, for Bubba to be conceived. Every single one of those scars will show our child how much we wanted him or her, and how much he or she is loved. Every scar will tell the story back to Bubba.

In the same way, every scar Jesus endured on the cross, tells the story to each one of us of His love for us, and how valuable we are to Him. Every scar tells the story of the lengths Jesus went through, to ensure we would be adopted into His family, through the decision we make to follow Him. Every scar - our story.

Stitches Still Haven't Dissolved

So, it's almost five weeks since I had the op, and since I was told the stitches were dissolvable and would disappear on their own in about 2-3 weeks. Five weeks since I was discharged from the hospital, and told to visit my local nurse if I had any problems. Obviously, the infection was something the GP had to sort out rather than the nurse, and I wonder if that has affected the dissolving of the stitches. I'm also slightly concerned as I have to wonder if the fact there is an issue with the external stitches could be an indication of the internal ones as well? How would anyone know??

I called my local GP to fix an appointment with the nurse last week, but they were fully booked and I had to wait till this week. I did have the opportunity to speak to the nurse though, only for her to tell me that with them being dissolvable stitches, she couldn't touch them, and she referred me back to the outpatients. They referred me back to the nurse... have you ever felt like a tennis ball???

I spoke to the nurse this morning though, and she said she is happy to look at them knowing the hospital have absolved themselves of all responsibility of me. Yippee me!

In the meantime though... the pain as the stitches pull - at least I hope that's what's happening, but as a non-medical-type person, I have no idea what is happening... I just feel the incredibly sharp stab of pain at odd times when I move. Like on Saturday when we went for a walk, and on our way back to the car walked back up the hill we'd walked (run/fallen!!!) down... Ouch!! The stitches weren't so keen on that action. And then today, as I was doing a big clean... again, Ouch!!! The stitches made their protest felt. I can kind of understand those actions affecting them. But then after dinner, as I stood to take my stuff into the kitchen... Ouch! Like, seriously... why?? Down went the paracetamol, and up went the hope the nurse will make it all better when I see her on Wednesday.

Infected Wound.. Hope Restored

When I took off the dressing, I knew something wasn't right. Maybe it was the unpleasant aroma. Maybe the crusty yellow stuff. Maybe it was the weeping stuff. Either which way, I knew I had to go to the doctor to get it checked.

And yep, my suspicions were correct! One of the wounds from the surgery had become infected. Lovely! At least this explained the prolonged pain in that particular area! Although, following the news reports the day after I was discharged from the hospital about 14 hospitals being put on special measures, I shouldn't have been surprised... mine was one of the four which had been placed on the extra special emergency measures!!!

Anyway, the doctor I saw nearly had me in tears. He was a new or temporary doctor who I hadn't seen before. When he realised what I'd had done, and the fact that the surgeon had had to abandon the procedure, he kindly asked me what they had advised they could do for me now. I told him about my allergy to Clomid and that IVF was off the table. We spoke about Natural IVF (me explaining what it was to him!!) for a while, and then he prescribed me with antibiotics to clear the infection.

In talking to him, I realised how dangerously close to feeling depressed I was. Not the sadness at the situation, but at my sense of hopelessness at it. I am sad, of course, at the failed surgery, and the apparent hopelessness of the future chances for Bubba. But if I know God, and I do, then He has promised He has a hope and a future for me. At this stage, I have no idea what it looks like. But in the midst of my hopelessness, I have to hold on to the hope I have in Him.

Phew... this faith thing is hard! I don't know what to hope for, at this stage. But I do know God is upholding me as He gently leads me. He is my hope. He is my shalom. He is my future.

Laparoscopic Salpingostomy - Recovery

I know every woman's body is different, so my experiences probably won't be the same for everyone. This is just to give you an idea of how my body handled the recovery.

During the first 48 hours, I was coughing up blood, this as from the tube which was put down my throat during the operation, and is normal. It was quite dark, to start off with, but then became lighter. If it had continued, or had remained darker for longer, I'd have had to have it checked out, as this could be indicative of a chest infection, which can sometimes happen after an op.

About 3 days after the op, I was sat talking with my Sis-in-Law, and noticed a slight discomfort in my right shoulder. This was expected, as a result of the gas they use, to expand the abdomen, trying to escape. During the night while I was at the hospital, I did have a lot of gas escaping...!

I had some bloody discharge for about 5/6 days after the op. Again, this is normal, bearing in mind the area they were looking at and trying to operate on.

The sore throat from the tube lasted for about 10 days. I found I needed to drink a lot more than usual, to try and soothe my throat...and ice cream helped too!!! ;-)  But for the first couple of days, I mostly ate things which were soft and easy to swallow, after the issues with the toast on the ward!

I had three incisions in my abdomen. The one in the belly button is definitely the worst. The other two I hardly noticed. The nurse had changed the dressings before I left, as they were pretty yucky. I asked about showering and stuff, and she recommended I wash for the first few days, but then showering would be fine. She said, "Not the bath though, as this can increase risk of infection." The dressings were fine when washing, and when showering.

I took the dressings off the two "other" cuts after about a week, and kept checking the wounds and the stitches. As they were below my knicker line, I didn't really pull them or notice any issues. Two weeks on, the stitches haven't yet dissolved and the incisions seem to be healing well. The dressing over the belly button I tried to take off after a week as well, but noticed it had been weeping. I put on the spare dressing I had been given, to keep it covered, and also to protect my t-shirts!!! White t-shirts!!! I took off the dressing after 14 days, and it looks OK, though obviously isn't as clear as the other two cuts.

Internally though, I have no idea of how things are going. One of my friends who'd had a Laparoscopic salpingostomy a few months before me, advised me to make sure I rested, and to not lift anything heavier than a filled kettle. I found it easier when I was able to stretch out, and as Hubby and I have recliner sofas, this was easy to achieve, The nurse had said I would feel as though I wanted to hunch over as the wounds were healing, but to not do this. There were random times, like when washing up, or just standing talking to Hubby, when I would get sharp stabbing pains internally, and found myself hunching over.

For the first couple of days, getting in and out of bed was made easier by pressing a cushion, or a folded sheet on my belly as I sat up and stood up. This was something shown when I'd attended that per-op afternoon. And the cushion-thing helped a lot whenever I was in pain. On day 8, I went with Hubby to the shop across the road, and carried a couple of items back, but found when I got home I was in pain. On day 10, my Sis-in-Law picked me up and took me back to hers for a change of scenery. I found that quite uncomfortable, but using a cushion pressed against my belly helped, both while we were watching Kathrine Jenkins on tele, and in the car on the way home. On day 14, I tried to drive, thinking things would be OK, but after making a five minute journey into town with Hubby, and back, I was in agony with internal pains. I also tried to wear a pair of jeans - after 2 weeks in leggings and trakkie bottoms, which is sooooo not me - but found they were digging into the area where I was getting the most discomfort internally.

Laparoscopic Salpingostomy - The Result

So, I guessed something was wrong from the Nurse's response.
Turns out something was very wrong.

The Consultant explained to me what should have happened. Most blockages occur near the top of the Fallopian Tube, near the ovaries. Which can be operated on. Some blockages are in the middle of the Tube, which can also be operated on.

Then he said, "We tried to locate the blockage using the dye, ran multiple tests to try and find the source, so we could work on it for you. But we were not successful. The blockage in your case is much worse than we had expected. Your Tubes are blocked near the uterus, which I cannot access. I had to abandon the surgery. I am so sorry, this is really disappointing and not the news I wanted to give you both."

It turns out I had been in the operating theatre for more than double the allocated time, and the Surgeon had tried many different ways to try to sort out my Tubes.

It was such a shock. I was in tears. I wasn't expecting this. In all the preparation for the op, I had never once been told. or ever considered that the op wouldn't work and they would have to "abandon" the procedure. I had no idea how to process this. I had no idea how to respond.

"So does that mean we may never be successful?" I asked.

"I would never say never. The sperm is only minute, and doesn't require lots of space in order to travel toward the egg. But you are at high risk of an ectopic pregnancy, and as soon as you get pregnant, you would need to be checked. The best chance you have, really, is IVF."

"Is there anywhere which does Natural IVF?"

"Are you asking because of your problems with Clomind?"

I nodded.

"There is one place in Nottingham, which I can refer you to, if this is the route you choose to take. Think about it, once you have had a chance to recover from this, and from the shock. And if you do want me to refer you, just call."

I was numb.
My brother had accompanied Hubby, and he was gutted. "I'm so sorry Sis"

I think I spent most of the rest of the day in tears. How on earth am I supposed to even begin to deal with this news???? The Op had been abandonded. That was the actual word on the letter which my GP will receive. Abandoned. My body is soooo not as it should be. It seemed that along with the Surgeon... God had also abandoned my hopes of becoming Mumma.

Pre-Op Assessment

Oh joy of joys! The week of the operation has arrived. I have to admit, I'm still trying to bury my head in the sand... only because on the one occasion I tried to deal with it, and buy a dressing gown (with matching PJs) for the hospital, I nearly burst into tears at the checkout... and couldn't contain them while driving home! So I think it's safer for everyone, if I stay under the sand!!

Last week, I went for the Pre-Op assessment. I had no idea what to expect, and based my experience on an  older friend who had surgery for something completely different. This is sooo not a good idea.

I was so convinced I would have to have more blood tests and the like, that I worked myself up so much. Instead of resting in God, I allowed my mind to wander and think all kinds of crazy things.., and almost threw up in B&Q car park due to the nerves and anxiety. The procedure itself ended up being no where near as bad as I had billed it to be, in my head! In fact, it was a walk in the park!

My sister-in-law picked me up an hour before, so we could get parked, and grab a coffee before sitting in the waiting area of the Pre-Op clinic. It's always helpful to have someone with you, even to distract you during the times you have to wait. And she was brilliant at this.

So, coffee cup in hand, we arrived at the Pre-Op assessment clinic, and I registered with the nurse on duty. We then sat and waited for a while, to be called. The first room I entered (I visited three different areas in total) contained two female nurses. One was obviously still in training. I was weighed and measured (though they wouldn't let me keep my heels on for that bit) and then invited to take a seat in a chair. They asked the usual, "do you smoke, do you drink" questions, then asked if I'd ever been tested for MRSA before. The older nurse explained, "we need to take two samples from you. One from your nasal passage, and one from your groin." She then proceeded to use a cotton bud type implement to take the sample from my nose... which tickled a bit. Then she started to pull the curtain around the chair I was sitting on. "What I need you to do now, is to drop your jeans, and your undies, so I can take a sample from your groin. I will need to wipe the [cotton bud] on the skin between your vagina and anal passage."

Err.... ok!! Awkward!
That, though, was the worst part about the whole assessment.

As I was leaving, I was handed a sample tube and asked if I could produce a urine sample. As nervous as I was, that would not have been a problem at all!

We then went back out into the waiting area, where we continued our conversation.

The next person I saw was the consultant. He talked me through the procedure, and drew a diagram of the areas he was going to work on in my body. He was very gentle and clear in his explanation. He asked if I had any questions, but I couldn't think of anything. Always the way! I wish I had written down some of the things I had researched on Google! He said after the Op, he would discharge me, basically he was telling me there was nothing else he could do for me. And there were no guarantees the Op will bring the desired outcome for Hubby n me.

We went back out into reception and waited a but longer, before being taken into an office by the male nurse who had booked me in where I first arrived. As I picked up my bag, I muttered under my breath, "Oh, not a male nurse!" but actually, there was nothing involved which was awkward. Before you arrive for your appointment, you are sent a six page questionnaire to complete, asking about everything relating to your health, your family history, previous operations, complications, blood relatives complications etc.. So this nurse just went through the questionnaire with me, adding my answers onto the screen and asking for clarification where necessary. Like one of the questions was "Do you have any allergies?" to which I had written, "Clomid and dogs" He asked what Clomid was, "a fertility dog".. then he asked about the dogs thing. My Sis in Law started to giggle... dogs! I was like, "well you never know... one may appear in the operating theatre" the nurse replied, "I doubt it... not the four-legged variety anyway!" which had us all in stitches!

After that I was released until the day of the Op itself.

Urgh!

Fertility Drug Treatment

The prescription arrived in this morning's post. The next stage. The Fertility Drug Treatment. The reality has now become that if I want Bubba, I'm going to have to rely on chemical help because part of the wonderful system God created, for one reason or another, is not working to it's fullest potential. One side of my reproductive system is blocked, so the course of fertility drugs are meant to stimulate ovulation from the good side in order to give me a normal chance of conceiving, instead of the 50% chance I've had so far.

Holding this small box of pills in my hand is weird. It's hope twinged with the sadness that so far, Hubby and I have not been able to succeed naturally. So for the next six months, I have to take these pills. One a day between days 2 and 6 of each cycle - until the miracle of life happens for us.

Reading through the list of side-effects was pretty concerning though. There are more listed than on that sheet of paper I had received from the Consultant in the initial discussion about what my next step should be. From mood swings and allergic reactions. From blurred vision to increased pains as a result of the endometriosis worsening. From the risk of faints or fits, to skin conditions or speech problems. From the risk of multiple conception to more risk of an ectopic pregnancy (I'm already at risk of this because of the blocked Fallopian tube). I know that not every pregnancy is without it's own risk, but what if these pills - the chemicals I am putting into my system in the hope that more eggs are stimulated toward ovulation - what if these chemicals get into the eggs, and have an affect on my Bubba???

All the research I can find on the internet has show that the only affect Clomid  has had on women taking it in the hope of becoming pregnant was the increased risk of a multiple pregnancy - and none of these babies were adversely affected by the drug. There have been studies of women who took Clomid while they were pregnant (not sure why they would need to do that!), and this had a damaging affect on their baby. This means I personally will want to pay even more attention - as if that was possible - to my cycle and what is happening in my body. I don't want to cause any kind of damage to Bubba when he or she arrives, as a result of the fertility drug treatment I am taking.

I remotely "asked" an online doctor, you know like on those websites where you get the picture of a friendly Doctor or Nurse to whom you can send a question?? I asked if Clomid can affect a baby who is conceived as a result of taking Clomid... the Doctor's reply four minutes later was a simple, direct, straight-forward... "no".

Suddenly the enormity of what I am about to embark on hits me, and the longer the course progresses the less the likelihood of conceiving through the fertility drug treatment. That's the ironic thing! It's not a case of the more I take it, the more opportunity I have it will work. It scares me to think that this might not work, and I'd have subjected my body to this for nothing. It's hard enough knowing my body is not working as well as it should, but to know that even chemicals can't help - what a nightmare. I would have to move on to step 3 - surgery - which I really really do not want to do.

In an ideal world, I would have conceived naturally a long time a go, and would be about to pop my first pill, but this is the path the Lord has chosen for me, for whatever reason. As hard as it is to understand, I know that I know beyond any shadow of a doubt that He is with me, because His word promised that He would never leave me. So I commit this next stage to You Lord God - You who is the creator of all life - with or without help. I pray for protection over Bubba if he or she is conceived as a result of this course of Fertility treatment, that His hand will cover and protect the unborn child from harm from the chemicals, I pray against any birth defects or adverse damage which could seep into the egg/s being stimulated, and I pray that Bubba will develop into a healthy baby, and into a healthy child - with NO disorders, NO problems, NO birth defects in Jesus name. I pray Lord, that the chemicals I am about to put into my system would have NO side-effects on me either. I pray that I would not experience anything which is written on that list - no nothing Lord. I pray Your hand of protection over me, and over my relationship with Hubby. In Jesus name.

As the Pharmacist handed over the package containing my box of Clomid to me, she smiled at me and said, "I hope it works for you." This was a touching act from her. She could have ignored it, but she acknowledged what I was receiving and what I was going through. I found that really encouraging. If you, like me are about to embark on the next stage of your own fertility journey, I pray the Lord grants you success, as pray He will grant me success too. His timing is prefect, even when it doesn't seem like it.