Above The Doctor's Report

While he was still speaking to her, messengers arrived from the home of Jairus, the leader of the synagogue. They told him, “Your daughter is dead. There’s no use troubling the Teacher now.” But Jesus overheard them and said to Jairus, “Don’t be afraid. Just have faith.” Mark 5:35-36

Ahhh... the voices of doom and gloom! The messengers of discouragement, who tell you what you really didn't want to hear! No one wants to know that what you are hoping for has died, especially in the battle of fertility! 

I'll be honest, when the doctors dismissed me with a handshake and a courteous "good luck", it actually felt like the hope for Bubba had died. It was like in that moment, as the Consultant's office door closed, all I heard was, "There are no other avenues, no further options, we are writing you off and don't hold out much hope for you chances."

The messenger had declared to me, "Your desire for a son or daughter is useless, your chance of becoming a Mumma is dead."

But as I was reading this passage in Mark, it was like the Spirit of God was actually speaking over me, "Don't be afraid. Just have faith." He was combating the thoughts of death and hopelessness with His truth, giving me back a sense of hope, of reassurance and keeping the dream for Bubba alive. 

It isn't an easy process. It has taken me, what, six months to hear Him say, "Don't be afraid. Just have faith." And now I have to begin to implement that in my Journey - the first stage involves me to stop being afraid that I won't ever know the joy of becoming a mum. The second involves me once again having faith that it will happen. 

Whatever doctor's report has been spoken over your life, hold onto the Word of God... "Don't be afraid, just have faith." 

Take Back What Was Stolen

I was reminiscing with my little brother about a song we used to love to sing and shout and dance around to... usually when we were in the car... much to the amusement of other drivers!

The song formed part of a medley of songs, titled, "Enemy's Camp / Look What the Lord Has Done!" (listen here) and we used to turn up loud and proclaim the words for our own lives. 

As I was listening to it tonight, I suddenly had a sense of God's voice saying that someone needed to proclaim this over their situation, relating to your journey through fertility:

The difficulties you face may have been caused by a sexually transmitted disease, as a result of life choices you have made... this is NOT God's punishment, take back what the enemy has stolen from you. It may be caused by a hereditary illness passed on from the generations before, this is NOT God's plan, take back what the enemy has stolen from you. It may be caused by a build up of toxins in your body, like Endometriosis or PCOS, God is your healing, take back what the enemy has stolen.

Whatever the reason for our battle to conceive, the enemy is trying to steal your hope, your peace, your joy, your sense of excitement for life - do not let him, take back what he has stolen. God gave them to YOU. They are freely available for you through Yeshua. Don't let the enemy steal what God has placed in your life - take back what he has stolen, proclaim the truth,  stomp around if you have to, and celebrate that one day, you WILL testify "Look What the Lord Has Done"!!!!

God's Whisper Into My Broken Heart

I wasn't sure about sharing this, but I would like one day, when Bubba is conceived, I would like to use this to reflect on the Journey the Lord has led me on with Bubba when he or she is old enough to understand how God has planned him or her. 

A few weeks ago, a member of the Church, who is in the same Home Group, called me one Sunday morning, as she'd had a word from the Lord for me. I was going to Church in the evening, and as I was still recovering from the op, I'd decided to only attend the one service. Anyway, she called me after lunch and blew me away with what she shared with me:

She told me she had been praying for me during the morning while she was getting ready for Church, and while she was praying the Lord gave her a picture - a revelation. She said she saw me watching TV, watching the news reports of the new Royal baby's arrival. She said that as she watched me, watching TV, I was wiping tears from my eyes. She said she was taken back to the time in her life when she was trying for a baby, for a son she had been told she would never had, and experienced an overwhelming grief with me as she had felt back then. Then as the reports came to and end, and another programme came on, I shook my hair and wiped my face as if to say "Right then. That's it! Time to just move on with things."

She said after showing her this picture, He told her to tell me two things. One: He is Creator, and His speciality is in new creation. Two: He has not taken me off the mother list.

What this lady didn't know was that Hubby and I were trying for Bubba, and that I had just had an operation to unblock my Fallopian tubes, which had failed. When I said this to her, she said she had always seen me as a career woman with goals and ambition, and had not been confident enough to share the picture with me, without first checking it with our Home Group leader (who knows our situation). 

Neither did she know that the picture the Lord had shown her was EXACTLY how I had been during all the wall-to-wall news reports were being broadcast about the new royal arrival. As I prayed for the new baby and his royal parents, I felt overwhelming grief about my own situation, as I tried to come to terms with the abandoned op I'd had a few days earlier. 

And only the Lord knew how close I was to giving up hope of ever becoming Mumma to our own Bubba. Where science has failed me, God won't. He restored my hope for the future of having Bubba...and my hope for a future, full stop. 

I don't know how long we will have to wait - because God doesn't always reveal a time frame. But He has given me a glimpse into the work He is doing behind the scenes for Hubby and me. God IS the Creator of life - and where my Fallopian tubes have become blocked and are failing at this moment in time, God knows how to bypass this and to make a way for Bubba to be conceived where there seems to be absolutely no way. He is God. He will make a way through for the right sperm to connect with a healthy egg, and for a healthy Bubba to be conceived, implanted and develop. 

Thank You Lord for for whispering Your words of comfort and love, of a hope and a future into me broken heart. Thank You for the faithfulness of women like this who You are able to bring revelation and prophecy to, because they seek Your face. I pray for anyone reading this who needs this kind of encouragement for their own Journey for Bubba, that You would also whisper Your love, comfort, hope and future into their broken hearts, in Jesus' name.

Slamming Doors, But The Still Small Voice Whispers

So as I was talking to God one morning, I was asking Him whether what I had gone through actually had a purpose. The laparoscopic salpingostomy hadn't worked, and it feels like the whole Journey for Bubba is coming undone. I don't know how to rescue the hope for Bubba. 

I listed the various doors which had been slammed shut in my face:

• I'm over 35. SLAM!
• Hubby and I have been trying for our own child, but after two years, are still childless. SLAM!
• I have a blocked Fallopian Tube. SLAM!
• The laparoscopic salpingostomy which was supposed to unblock it was abandoned. SLAM!
• I tried to take the fertility drug Clomid to stimulate development of the eggs, but had a severe allergic reaction to it. SLAM!
• The Consultant had told me that my only option, really, was IVF. SLAM!
• If IVF was ethically an option for me, if Hubby hadn't already had a son and I was eligible for the free treatment, I wouldn't be able to anyway because of my allergy to Clomid. SLAM!
• Natural IVF is still expensive, and doesn't have a hugely successful live birth rate. SLAM!

OK, seriously God, what is going on here?????????

A still, small voice whispered, "I am clearing the way to demonstrate My power and authority over your situation."

When there are no other doors open, this has to mean God, who is able to do the impossible, HAS to step in to do what only He can do. I have no other options to take. No other routes to travel. No other doors to walk through. Only God can make it possible for me to meet my own Bubba. I just need to find the door that leads to the faith and hope that God will do what is impossible.

Many have said to me, "what about adoption?" Bt to be honest, I don't want to be a Mumma for the sake of being  a Mumma. I want to be Mumma to Bubba who is born out of the love and committment Hubby and I share in our marriage. That's the only kind of Mumma I want to be.

Now, where is that open door!

Prophetic Fuschia - A Word for Someone.

OK, so I don't claim to be a prophet, or anything like that, and this is the first time this has really happened in relation to this blog, but I really feel that the Lord has given me a word for someone reading this. Now bearing in mind i don't know who reads this, I think it's amazing that God has chosen to use me to encourage you. So here goes.

In my hanging baskets last year, I added a couple of fuschias to add some colour and height. They looked amazing and served the purpose for which I had bought them, last summer. I don't know much about plants, so when the hanging basket died down in the late autumn, I just assumed I would need to buy more annuals when the time came for it in the late spring. Not thinking anything more about the mass of dead branches, and withered leaves which clogged up the hanging baskets at the front of my house. I suppose if I was a bit more savvy, I'd have created some kind of winter display, instead of leaving the dead stuff!

Skip ahead six months, and it's time for me to work on this year's display, so off I trundle one Bank Holiday to the Garden Centre and invest in a range of plants, some annuals and some perennials (this grow back year after year, so I'm told!!). I bought a load of soily stuff and with the help of some helpful random bloke who was minding his own business, I manage to get everything into the back of my car, and home!

It was such a gorgeous day as I sat on the patio, clearing out the old baskets and replanting the new stuff into the new soil, and I chatted with the Lord while I worked. When I picked up the third basket, I started to tip the old dead stuff out, when suddenly I looked closer at what was inside. The fuschia, which I had assumed was dead, had a couple of bright green leaves sprouting on it. There was life, where I thought there was death.

Someone reading this has been thinking that their womb is dead, because it is not doing what it should be doing. I had thought the fuschia was dead because it looked dead in the basket - I had thought it wasn't doing what it should have been doing - even though I had left it outside throughout the cold, hard winter we have just had.

You may have experienced a cold, hard "winter" in relation to your desire to start a family, and you may not have thought your womb was able to produce life, having only experienced death, but God is telling you that where you thought death was, He will bring life. Your womb is not dead. It will sprout new growth. Your womb will bring forth the life for which God created it. don't "throw it away".


Father God, I pray You will lead the right person / people to read this post who You have spoken this word over. And I pray that you will cause life to spring up in the womb which has been considered, or pronounced as being "dead". I pray for those wives of Husbands who are affected by fertility issues, that they too would experience life in that which has been thought of as being dead. Lord Jesus, I pray You would breathe life into couples whose hope is in You. In Jesus' name.

Devotions at Work - Encouragement From God

I am blessed in my work environment, in that I work for a Christian organisation, and every morning we start with devotions. Depending on who is leading it, this is either an informal discussion, or a formal teach (usually when the Boss leads it!!). When the office based team are doing it, we tend go through a book, chapter by chapter.

This morning, the Boss chose one of the passages which has been one of the foundational Scriptures for my own Journey of Faith. 1 Samuel chapter 1 which relays Hannah's struggle with TTC, and the moment she encounters God answering her prayer (I've written about Hannah in a number of posts on here, including this one, this one and this one)!

Now, I have never spoken to him about it... the most I had to tell him was a couple of weeks ago when both me and my colleague who are both working on a major project due for the beginning of July were facing operations at the same time (for different reasons). We had to explain what was happening and tell him we'd come up with a contingency plan, just in case we were both off at the same time. All he knows is that I am facing an Op for Gynea reasons!! No detail!!! It wouldn't take a genius to work it out though... I'm married, of child-bearing age (just), facing an operation and childless!!! So, to me at least, it is kinda obvious there may be an issue!!

So, if he doesn't know about my Journey for Bubba, God obviously laid it on his heart to bring it to the Staff Devotions for a reason. And as we read around, I was struck by the relevance of 'my' verses. So, I'm going to share a couple of them with you, which I ended up reading as the group read "around the table":

V12: As she continued praying before the Lord, Eli observed her mouth.

OK, so there's nothing glaringly obvious in that verse... I'm not sure there's really anything to observe about my mouth... but God observes when I talk with Him, and hears what I say, even when others are completely oblivious to my praying.

V17: Then Eli answered, "Go in peace, and the God of Israel grant your petition that you have made to Him." 

V27: [Hannah said to Eli] "For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted me my petition that I made to Him."

Both of these verses are INCREDIBLY relevant and on-point!!! Of all the verses I could have ended up reading within the group - these are the two which are so significant in terms of where I am at and my Journey for Bubba. The first one - is the high priest telling Hannah her prayer has been answered, even before she and her Hubby got together a few days later.

The second verse is a few years later, after the child has been conceived, born, and weened and Hannah confirms that the Lord indeed had heard her heart-cry, which the High Priest confirmed to her, and now here she was a living testimony saying almost word-for-word, exactly what Eli had said to her.

This, for me, is being added to my faith arsenal... that the Lord has indeed heard me, and will grant my petition made to Him, so that in the years to come I will proclaim as Hannah before me, "For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted me my petition that I made to Him."

The Faith Cycle

I don't know about you, but there are times when my faith-level seems to be a bit like my monthly cycle. I'm specifically talking about this Journey for Bubba, because for almost everything else, there seems to be a consistency in the level of faith I have - particularly when it comes to praying for others!

But like my monthly cycle - there are days when I am full of faith, and there are days when my faithful resolve has weakened somewhat. I may have noticed a pattern too.... Before ovulation - faith levels are up there in the heavens... around the due date of Aunt Flo's arrival - there is a sudden and dramatic dip... or plummet, depending on the symptoms I start to experience!

It's quite exhausting, actually, but this is the cycle my body and my spirit seem to have fallen into step with! The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak!

So with this in mind i was struck by this particular incident of healing in Matthew's account of Jesus' life:

Matthew 9: 28:29: ...And Jesus said to them, “Do you believe that I am able to do this?” They said to Him, “Yes, Lord.” Then He touched their eyes, saying, “According to your faith let it be to you.” 

If Jesus had asked me at the wrong time of the month this particular question, and healed me "according to my faith" ... ooeerr missus! That's quite a scary thought that Jesus would sometimes limit Himself to the faith of the person He is healing! I had a conversation with someone just yesterday who thought she had to have people to pray for her, in order to be healed by God, until I explained that it's not about the person praying, it's about the God who hears, answers and heals. 


I've always believed that, and yet here we have a journey of healing. Firstly, two blind blokes are following Jesus, asking Him to have mercy on them. Then when Jesus entered a particular house (don't know who's house it was, but they obviously had an open door policy!), these two blokes followed them in. This is quite an incredible thing to do... It can't have been easy for two blind guys to follow someone they couldn't see into unknown areas and entering into a house they had never been to before... and who knows how long they had been following Jesus? Matthew's account doesn't give us any indication of the length of time Jesus walked from one place to the other, it could have taken days, definitely hours... I went to Israel last year, and we went to the Galilee area where Jesus lived The region is mountainous... it's not a level footpath where the blind men would have been walking... it is rocky, dusty, had they been available, hiking boots with the little spikes would have been required as they'd have trekked through the cities of Galilee. 

Some of us may have been walking this type of Journey for Bubba in a spiritual sense. following Jesus wherever He leads us, sometimes our journeys are up and down... like a mountain. Crying out to Jesus in the hope He will hear us, "Have mercy on me, Jesus. Have mercy and hear the cries of my heart". 

To us, it would seem obvious what we need from the Lord. Just as it would seem obvious to those around that these two blind blokes would have a level of faith which says they believe Jesus is able to heal them, based on the fact that they had followed Him like this.

But Jesus asks them what would appear to be a superfluous question. He says, "Do you believe I am able to do this?" I'd be like, "Err... hello, isn't it obvious??? I can't see where I am going, but I followed you all this time... I saw and heard you raising that little girl to life when she was technically dead, I heard about that woman who touched your coat and was healed... do I believe you can do the same for me????"

But actually... Do I believe God is able to heal me. I don't have a problem with Him healing others... but do I believe He can bring healing in my body, in my situation??


And this is the question I leave us with... You may have following Jesus for years... you may not have been with Him for that long. You may have felt like your walk with Him has been rough and mountainous, rather than the smooth path you were hoping for - or believe you see others walking. You may have been crying out to God for most of your Journey, "Lord have mercy on me!" But now that Jesus turns His attention to you, and asks you "Do you believe that I am able to do this?" Be prepared to answer Him, for He may just respond, "according to your faith, let it be to you."


Father God, I believe You are able, I believe You are willing. But I know that there are times when I hold myself back because I think why would You for me, when there are so many others who have a greater need. Lord, I ask that you would increase my faith that You will, to match the understanding I have that You can. I pray that across this whole situation of others who are TTC, that You would increase faith, so we will be able to respond to Your question with great faith. Lord, I pray You would bring a consistency in how much I believe You can, and take me off the roller-coaster of up down faith which has followed my monthly cycle, bringing a level which will uphold me when times are tough. "Lord, I believe, help my unbelief" (Mark 9:24).

I Believe You're My Healer

A few weeks ago, I was asked to sing the song "Healer" which Kari Jobe did a beautiful version of. It was at a women's conference following the testimony of a friend of mine who'd been healed from cancer after a visit from one of the Lord's servant during the night.

So right in the middle of the tests I've been having I sang, from my heart, with my hand on my belly, as if it was just me and Jesus:

"You hold my every moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through the fire
And heal all my disease

I trust in You
Lord I trust in You

I believe You're my Healer
I believe You are all I need
Oh yes You are, yes You are Lord
I believe You're my portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus You're all I need"

No matter what we face, we can be assured of Jesus's presence with us.
For hubby and I, knowing Jesus is right there walking us through our difficult journey, means we can say with confidence, "I trust in You Lord, You're all I need".

A Word from God For Your Own Journey

If you have read my previous post (if you haven't then you should, or this one won't make much sense!!!), and are in a similar position to me - in that you are trying to conceive, why not consider praying and asking the Lord to speak to you - or to speak to a friend on your behalf - about your desire for a child. If you are going to ask about a friend, it needs to be a genuine friend who is in a relationship with God. Someone who you can trust, who you know won't just tell you what you want to hear, but who will be able to be real with you about what God has said to them. 

I've had "words" spoken over me before, but as I didn't really know the person, or didn't really know where they were coming from in their walk with the Lord, I didn't really accept what they said. For example, someone told me toward the end of last year, that Bubba would be coming sooner than expected. I think the "word" came from their embarrassment at thinking I was pregnant because of the fat on my belly, rather than it being a genuine word from the Lord.

When it comes to prophecies, it is important we are able to test everything against the Word of God. I know my friend has a great relationship with the Lord. I know she has exercised her gift of prophecy in the past, and I know that - like me - she tends to have dreams from God. This is why I know I am able to accept the message she sent to me, and add it to what the Lord spoke to me through Hubby on that same day.

When we open ourselves to the Lord, He is more than willing to demonstrate His love for us and His desire to encourage us. Don't be afraid - let God gently lead you on this journey of faith and hope.