Time Travel?

Today in Church, we had a guest speaker, John Partington. He is the main leader of the AOG denomination our church is a part of, and I usually enjoy when he preaches. Not that I didn't today. But maybe because of what has been happening recently, I found it a lot more challenging today.

Today he spoke on nothing being impossible for God, and he used the example of Abraham and Sarah. When he was 99, Abraham had a visit from God to say, "Hey, Abraham, you're going to be a dad, even though Sara is 90 and you've not been able to have kids yet." Now as someone who has been TTC for a while, this is one of those "fall back" stories I like to go to... that if God can make it possible for Sarah in her 90's to have a baby, then it's not impossible for Him to create life in my 30-something body! Like seriously, I have 60 years on her!

But I know there are times in our journey when it doesn't seem like nothing is impossible, and I'm sure Sarah would have prayed and prayed and pleaded over those 90 years, to have reached the point where she thought, "This is just too difficult, even for God to do."

John said something like, "God always hears our prayers" and my internal dialogue replied to him, "Except when He doesn't" because let's be real there are times when anyone of us can feel that not quite everything is possible for God. It seems like we have flummoxed God with what we are asking Him for.... or maybe that our voice has become lost in the bigger problems of the world we live in. I can understand why Sarah laughed when she heard she was going to have a baby. Especially if she had gone through menopause and had forgotten about wanting to be a mother after all those years.... How long did women remain fertile for back in the day??? Especially as women married much younger then than we do today.

But, as I reflect on this, and it ties in significantly with the Woman to Woman conference I attended last weekend (read more here), I have to find peace in the conclusion, that in spite of how I feel about not having a Baby yet, in spite of how things look, in spite of how many times I pray, God is the only One I can really trust with my life and the road He has me on. I'm not dead yet, which means He still has a plan for my life. And although I feel as though He has forgotten about me, or isn't listening to me, or I have suddenly created this impossible scenario (for God?? Really?? Do I think I am THAT grandiose??? To create an impossibility for the Creator of the world, and of my little life???), that somewhere in it all, I can find peace that God is working things out around me. 

I love to ask questions, and one of the "silly" questions which often gets put "out there" is, "What superpower would you most like to have. I would love to travel through time. I would love to go back in time to the newly-wed Sarah who was watching her friends and sisters having children, and wrestling with why she wasn't having the baby she should be able to conceive, and reassure her, "Hey, Sarah, it's OK.... when you're 90, you're going to be a mum." But it probably wouldn't have been much comfort to the young 20 year old girl. She might have laughed then.... a woman in her nineties becoming a mother..... That's a tabloid headline!! In the same way, I'd also like to travel forward in my own life and find out what happens five years from now, ten years from now. Do I have children? Does God have something else planned?? Does it get any easier to handle???

But I can't travel through time, so I have to keep focussed on the One Who is above and beyond time, and know that whatever happens, He is right with me, reassuring me, and speaking His words of life into my heart. So maybe.... nothing is impossible for God, even changing my heart to line up with His plan for me.


Father God, I'm sorry for when I doubt You, or doubt what You say in Your Word. It's hard to believe when I sometimes expect You to answer my prayers in my way at my time. I don't mean to try to lead You, I need to allow You to lead me. Help me when I start to try to walk in front of You, but Lord.... help me when I am afraid to lean on You and know You are by my side, even if things don't seem to be going my way. In Jesus' name.

Putting My Faith in Your Plans

In the service this evening, at my Church,we sang a song which contains the lines,

"I put my life in Your hands I put my faith in Your plans"

When you reach the place when your empty womb and empty arms create such a deep longing and ache in your heart, where your dreams and heart-desire remains hidden from you - to stand and sing this line takes guts.

I don't mean that kind of blind singing which we often do just to follow the rest of the congregation. No. I mean to sing the words, knowing that you actually do mean them, even though it feels as though saying them rips something from your heart.

Is this what Jesus means by 'a sacrifice of praise'???

I can feel safe knowing my life is in God's hands. This is the safest place to be right now.

But the second bit is harder... Putting my faith in God's plans at the risk of my own plans and desires not being fulfilled. To really believe God has my best in His intentions. To allow faith to carry beyond the tears into His presence with boldness and security.

Father, help me to really know I can put my faith in Your plans, knowing that You will make all things right, according to what You are trying to do in me and through me. In Jesus' name.

When Heaven Is Silent...

One of the things I promised myself, when I first started writing this blog, is that I would use this as a way of being real with my own thoughts, as a means of trying to work out what I am feeling.... I'm not the most expressive of people - except through writing. Somehow I have always found it easier to write than to speak about what I think or feel - which completely drives Hubby mad, because he prefers me to talk than to have to read about it!

This kind of walk which we're going through, which seems so endless and hopeless, also has made it harder for me to connect with the God Who I have always depended on. We all go through those times when God seems so far away, when our cries, our pleading,our prayers seem to surround us with their taunting echoing - as though bouncing around and around the cold stone walls which have built up around me. When the silence from God is so deafening, it hurts, and my heart is weary from all the tears. 

I have never gone through such a long struggle to connect with my Saviour, as I seem to be going through at this moment... and as much as I would love to see an end to the infertility challenge, I would also love to see an end to the silence of heaven. I love to study His Word, and gain so much from those times - but that personal one-on-one connection which we all long for with Heavenly Father... this is missing. Maybe it's because I have made myself busy, in order to try to handle this Journey? Maybe it's because I am battle weary? Maybe it's the anger at what we are struggling with? Maybe it's the endlessness of the Journey? Maybe it's the seemingly unanswered prayers over these last few years? Maybe it's because Hubby and I aren't as united in our desperation to seek God as we should be? Maybe it's all this and more.

I'm not posting this in the hope for pity or anything... I'm posting it because I believe that there are many others in the same Journey for Bubba who may also be feeling so distant from God, who may also experience that same sense of aloneness, desperation and sadness, in thinking God has forgotten about us, about the promise for us to be a mother, has turned His back on us and has become as bored with our pleas as we have become with repeating ourselves.

But regardless of how we feel, "Everything is going to be OK"
God not only comforts us in our grief and loneliness, He wipes our tears, collecting them as they flow - each precious heartfelt sob from the heart - and places them in a special place. When we are with Him, He will show you exactly how close He was to you. He hasn't stopped caring about you, or what you are going through, because nothing can separate you from the love He lavishes on you. Whatever else you think and feel about your Journey, somehow we have to look past this, and hold onto the truth that our Heavenly Father hasn't given up on us, and that He is trying to speak to us, as much as we are trying to listen. His grace is sufficient to carry you through each day - each heart-breaking month which passes, each grief-stricken sob of hopelessness. He will never leave you. He will never abandon you. He won't give up on the plans and promises He has for you. So whatever you feel... reflect on these things, and may they keep you close to God, embraced in His strong arms of love and support, and may you find rest in His peace.

Encouraged by Hannah's Story

Over the weekend, I have heard a number of speakers at a Conference I attended and in my local Church, and RANDOMLY - I say randomly because there was no hint they would be bringing it up, it seemed to pop-up from nowhere within their sermons - the story of Hannah was used to exhort the speakers listeners.

As someone who is on the tough journey TTC, Hannah is one of those women in the Bible who is a huge source of inspiration and encouragement to me. In many ways, I am similar to her. In many ways, I am walking a very different path. Our main similarities is of being a Jewish woman struggling to conceive a child naturally. We both have "step-children" though unlike Hannah, Hubby's ex is not on the scene and can in no way torment me with her fruitfulness against my barrenness - probably helped by the fact that I don't know her, having only met her one time, and that she lives 40 miles away from us, not in the same house as me, as Hannah had to contend with!

I also share, with Hannah, the desire to take my requests to God. I might not live in Jerusalem, in the time of the Temple, but as a living Temple of the Lord, I strive to lay at His feet my hopes, my desires, my dreams, the deepest longings of my heart. Unlike Hannah - there is no High Priest watching over me accusing me of being a drunkard. But the Great High Priest Himself - Jesus - He watches over me, and intercedes with me for the child I long to hold. He wraps His arms around me in those moments when it is too much of a burden to bear, and supports me, leaning me against Him as we walk through this Journey for Bubba.

Faith is  funny thing. There are times when I have masses of faith - usually near the start of the cycle, or around the time of ovulation! But there are also times when my faith seems so weak, so small, I'm not even sure if it resembles a mustard seed even. Usually around the time of the the end of the cycle, when another egg silently spills away, the promise of new life fades with the departure of Aunt Flow. In those moments I, like Hannah, cry bitter tears of sorrow and hope lost, wondering what God is doing in this Journey for Bubba. In those moments, when faith is so small it's on the verge of fading away, I cry out to God, "I can't do this on my own, I want to believe - Lord, help my unbelief!"

And you know what - it's OK to do that. Jesus knows how hard this is for me - and maybe for you too. He totally gets it that there are times when we do need Him to help our unbelief for the monthly battle we face for the desire of our heart, the desire to be Mumma to our very own Bubba.

So if you are in that moment when you feel hope fading - don't let the monthly disappointment displace your hope for the future child you long for. Don't let our monthly disappointment overwhelm you to the point of turning your back on God. When faith seems at it's lowest, it is OK to say to God - Lord, I don't have faith at this moment, but I want to have faith in what You can do Lord - Give me faith, help my unbelief. In that small act alone, we are still demonstrating faith to God... that's why faith is a funny thing! And God is faithful. He will not only answer your prayer - He will bring an increase!! That's what He does!!! That's the funny thing about God. He always answers beyond our thoughts or imaginations. I know, because He is doing it for me too.