A Wasted Month

Recently, my doctor's surgery has closed down, and all we patients were "merged" with a local medical centre. It's a swanky new build, with a "cheese counter" ticket machine and visual flashy thing to let you know when the Doctor is ready to see you, to save the Receptionist from shouting over the counter.

Having recently recovered from tonsillitis, I have realised why starting with a new doctor, is like starting the whole fertility journey from the beginning. Had he been aware that Hubby and I are TTC, I wouldn't have been prescribed the antibiotics which clearly states on the information leaflet "do not take if you are pregnant, breast-feeding, or trying to conceive". Had I not been rendered incapable by the tonsillitis, I might have thought to say something when asked, "are you allergic to anything" like, "No, but I am TTC".

So here's to a wasted month... Who knows what could have been - though probably wouldn't have been!

This Journey of Bubba involves a complete change of life-style, and a deepened awareness of so many things, which most people who "fall" pregnant so quickly have no idea about. It's not a temporary thing either - it's an on-going decision, at every stage, in every situation to make choices, and often be open about what we are trying to achieve in our marriage. For an indefinite length of time. Sharing with complete randoms the private and personal life of our marriage.

That's not easy.


Father God, I pray You would give us strength for the long-haul of this Journey for Bubba, because without You sustaining us, we could so easily become overwhelmed by it all. In Jesus name.

This Corrupted Life!

I'm sorry, but this is all getting ridiculous...

There's a headline in tonight's Daily Mail (I can't even bring myself to write it out) about a lesbian woman fighting with her ex-"partner" in court over the "parental right" to a child she had NO PART in creating (Read it here if you want). This is about the third such story I have read in as many weeks! And I was soooo frustrated at reading just the headline I nearly posted about it on FB... changed my mind 2 sentences in because my Journey for Bubba is not a public one!

It really does make my blood boil that so may babies are being in this "strange" situation - I use the word "strange" because God designed men and women to procreate. Full stop. So the fact that this woman is claiming to be the baby's "mum" just because she breast-fed the child while the actual mother was ill... well, this sets a whole new precedent of what makes a parent! All those wet-nurses who have been used throughout history, be prepared to fight for your parental rights, and get your cheque books out to pay the maintenance while you're at it!! Where will it all end?? When will we stop trying to re-define "parents"??

Children are a GIFT from God and I'm tired of reading about gay "couples" who create life outside of God's natural order, when there are decent couples who would make great parents, but who are struggling to conceive - even with the help of IVF, or IUI or all those other things being used to bless men and women with their baby. But to then use the child as a bargaining tool, as a weapon or means of eking out your anger and hatred is just incomprehensible!

And I've not even started on all the political stuff of the great "POSTCODE LOTTERY" - who is "acceptable" in the eyes of the great NHS gods who sit and make the judgement that in this county I'm not entitled to funding because I'm a step-mum... a Step-mum - for crying out loud - is NOTHING like being an actual, full-time, hands on, living, breathing, natural, there-through-the-good-times-and-the-bad, watching your baby grow through each life stage MUM!!! NOT THE SAME! I have God to walk me through this, but what of all the other step-mums who desperately want their own child, but have been told by the NHS they're not entitled to free IVF just because another woman's child calls their husband "DADDY"! And yet, according to the NICE guidelines, a "same-sex" couple ARE entitled to funding??!!! HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?????!!!!

Aye aye aye! This life! This corrupted life! This unjust life! This unfair life!

Grrrrrr!!!!

Rant over!!!


...and breathe!

Putting My Faith in Your Plans

In the service this evening, at my Church,we sang a song which contains the lines,

"I put my life in Your hands I put my faith in Your plans"

When you reach the place when your empty womb and empty arms create such a deep longing and ache in your heart, where your dreams and heart-desire remains hidden from you - to stand and sing this line takes guts.

I don't mean that kind of blind singing which we often do just to follow the rest of the congregation. No. I mean to sing the words, knowing that you actually do mean them, even though it feels as though saying them rips something from your heart.

Is this what Jesus means by 'a sacrifice of praise'???

I can feel safe knowing my life is in God's hands. This is the safest place to be right now.

But the second bit is harder... Putting my faith in God's plans at the risk of my own plans and desires not being fulfilled. To really believe God has my best in His intentions. To allow faith to carry beyond the tears into His presence with boldness and security.

Father, help me to really know I can put my faith in Your plans, knowing that You will make all things right, according to what You are trying to do in me and through me. In Jesus' name.

Becoming Defensive

The thing is with hopelessness, is that it causes you to become defense. Well, that's what I have been finding, anyway.

Since learning that I am not able to have any kind of treatment to help me conceive, there's been a sense of denial within me. Not that I would ever verbalise what I think, but I can't help but become defensive. Like when someone said to me a few weeks ago, "You'd make a great mum", my thoughts were like, "No I wouldn't, I'd be terrible - I'm too selfish and hate mornings. No wonder I haven't been able to conceive." Or like when I was holding a friend's new born, and her step-dad said, "suits you", I was thinking, "Only because I can give her back, I couldn't do this all the time." Or when I see the stories on Jeremy Kyle where there are mothers who put themselves first, and don't like to make sacrifices for their children, I start to think, "I'd probably be exactly the same, which is why I've not been allowed to have a baby yet." Or when I'm out with friends who have to curtail their outing to get back to pick up the kids from school/relieve the babysitter/look after a poorly child, I start to think, "I'm so glad I haven't got to do that, I can just relax, maybe get another coffee. My life is at my pace, no one else's".

Maybe I'm the only one who thinks like this. Maybe I'm not.
I'm just gonna be real about how I feel! And as I've said before, this is not an easy journey.

Deep down, I know that none of the above is true, but it seems that my emotions have taken on this tack in order to try and make some sense of the situation. Or lack of a situation. Having studied Psychology up to a degree level, I know that these thoughts and reactions are actually just defense mechanisms my psyche has kicked in.

I don't like it, really.

But it's harder to go around pretending everything is OK when it isn't, and masking over my emotions altogether.

I don't want to beat myself up, or dismiss some of the kind things people say, but then I also can't linger in sadness and depression at the unfairness of this journey either! It's hard to know how to handle things, like the guy who said "suits you". He has no idea of the journey I'm on, so his remark to him was just a throw away comment, but in the past, when that has been said to me, it has caused me to break down and run to the toilet sobbing. I can understand, therefore, why my brain has worked out this defense mechanism in order to handle things like that.

I don't know if it's 'right' in God's eyes. I'm not sure what these thoughts 'say' to God, or how they affect my level of faith in this journey. I honestly don't. But can I beat myself up about that too?? For now, this is what has been decided on a subconscious level, and I hope that somehow, through it all, the Holy Spirit will move into the defensive thinking, and pour out His oil of comfort on the hurt and sadness I know has been building up inside over the last couple of years. If the defense system is destroying TRUE FAITH, then I pray that God will teach me a new way of handling things, from the subconscious level out.

Working Through Unanswered Prayer

It can be easy to think that if God isn't answering our prayers that He isn't listening… and if He isn't listening, then there’s no point in praying. But what is the purpose of prayer? Is it to get God to conform and do what we want Him to do, or is there something more to it?

The fact that 2013 drew to an unsuccessful close and 2014 has kind-of limped into it's place, one could argue that in this respect God has switched off to my voice. 

It's easy to read Hannah's story at the beginning of 1 Samuel and think that God was really tuned into her cries and stepped in quickly to answer her request for a child; it's easy to compare ourselves to her, and to think we must be doing something drastically wrong to have reached the end of another year and STILL not have the emptiness of our womb filled with the hope and joy of a successful pregnancy. To think that maybe we have not cried hard enough, pleaded hard enough or become so despondent in our hopelessness that we are mistaken for a drunkard. But what we are not privy to, in Hannah's story, are the years prior to that one moment in the Temple. The years she, like you and me, spent crying out to God to take away the reproach of her barrenness, and to grant her the opportunity to bear a child of her own. 

It is hard to understand how to pray at times, when it seems like this one simple request is being unmet - it can have huge impact on our overall opinion of what prayer is all about. How often have I heard it said, or even said it myself, “prayer doesn't work”. In what sense is prayer “not working”? Well surely that depends on your theology of what prayer actually is. It's easy to come out with the Christian jargon, "Prayer is our way of connecting with God", or "Prayer is about laying our hopes and dreams before God in submission to His plan for our life", or "Prayer is about listening to God, as well as presenting what is on our hearts". How easily these appear to roll off the tongue, and yet how many women (and men) in the long drawn-out, no guarantee, Journey for Bubba actually feel connected to God in prayer? In the beginning, sure, we are full of hope and excited anticipation of what God is going to do in our "little family", but as the years roll by, hope diminishes and hearts become hardened.

If we were going to "keep it real", many of us can quote the verses like "Ask and you shall receive" or, "the fervent prayers of a righteous man avails much"! So when we struggle to pray we feel the added guilt of obviously not being "righteous" enough, or of not "asking in the right way" because we also know the Bible says, "You have not because you ask not, and when you do ask you ask amiss"!

I don't believe these verses are in the Bible to condemn people like us whose prayers seem to go unheard from one year to the next. I don't believe God means for us to feel that we are not righteous enough, or not holy enough, or not praying right, or any of these things, because through Jesus we are made righteous, we are made holy and a way is offered where we can approach our heavenly Father about anything at any time. The enemy would love to make us feel worthless and condemned, and he uses unanswered prayers to trick us into thinking God doesn't care. Especially in long-term struggles like trying to conceive.

Maybe the start of 2014 is the perfect opportunity for us to truly understand what prayer really is about, rather than to mistakenly start to accept the lie that "prayer doesn't work". Otherwise we might as well start to believe that conversation, in general, is pointless. 

We know that conversation "works" in the sense that it allows us to share ideas, share hopes, plans, dreams, thoughts, opinions etc... but if someone doesn't start to do what we think they should be doing, we don't suddenly decide that person doesn't listen to us, or doesn't care, because they aren't doing what we told them to do, when we have told them to do it! Yet we do this of God. Prayer should be like our conversation with God, and this involves going to Him with the disappointments and hurts, as well as with the other stuff. He cares enough to listen.... ALWAYS. Whether we recognise it, feel it, sense it, hear it or not, God always listens. To stop praying because we aren't being given the answer we desperately seek causes resentment and bitterness to spring up between us and our Heavenly Father - causing us to feel isolated, distant and alone - as if this journey isn't isolating and lonely enough!

I wish I had the answers to give you, as to why this area of your life appears to be beyond God's hand, I wish I had the answer to my own questions too. And my understanding of prayer may be being challenged, but this is all in God's plan and I have entrusted my life into His hands. He promised to hear me, to listen when I call on Him, and He has promised He is is faithful, so as I bid farewell to a difficult 2013, I choose to hold onto God, in the hope that through 2014, whether my prayer for Bubba is answered or not, I will gain a deeper understanding of God and His conversation with me. Even if this means small steps back into His arms.

TV Debate About What Age Women Should Stop Trying to Conceive

The other day, I had a moment to actually sit down, longer than five minutes, so I thought I'd stick the TV on for a bit, and ended up watching "The Alan Titchmarsh Show". The only reason I ended up watching this, was because of the promise of debate between two women arguing for and against an age limit on women becoming pregnant. 

So when the time came for the debate, I was interested in hearing what would be said. The two women arguing were Samantha Brick, who is currently undergoing IVF at the "ripe old age" of 42, and a young twenty-something who has already had her two-point four children. 

Samantha shared what she had experienced and how she'd ended up walking the road to IVF. She voiced many of the thoughts and longings women who struggle to conceive express. She gave lots of factual information, including the fact that many women haven't purposely left it late to conceive, it's just the direction life has taken for them. She also shared stories of what it takes to have a desire to be a mum, and yet have that desire unmet.

Then the floor was opened to her challenger. Her basis for condemning women over 35 from being a mother is because she was born to older parents, and had to grow up without grandparents. Seriously! She was more bothered about not having grandparents, than the fact that her parents had struggled to conceive her, and so she decided that any woman over 35 is being selfish by having a baby, because they would deprive their child of grandparents.

As the show is pre-recorded for the Friday afternoon show, there was no opportunity to have a viewers contribution to the debate, which is a huge shame. I would loved to have added my "two-pennies worth" into the mix!

The fact is that, sadly, none of us are guaranteed of long life... A young couple in their twenties could have lost both their parents, while a couple in their forties could still have both of theirs living and active. Age is not a determiner of whether grandparents are around or not. So to decide that women over 35 are more at risk of damaging their children because they won't have the opportunity to forge a relationship with grandparents, is a crazy way of judging the suitability of a couple to become parents. 

The most shocking thing, at the end of the debate the studio audience were asked to raise a coloured paddle to show which side they agreed with. Thinking that Samantha had been less subjective and more structured in her argument, I was convinced that she would win over the votes of the audience, who were mainly older women. But alas, I was wrong. The audience seemed to agree with the young woman and condemned women over 35 as being selfish for wanting to have a baby! It seems that all those grandmothers in the audience couldn't bear the idea of not being a grandparent - which I understand, to an extent.

But, I'm so relieved there is no law against Hubby and I trying for our Bubba. As if it wasn't hard enough knowing I am disappointing my parents, as well as Hubby, as well as myself in this struggling to conceive, there are people out there who are prepared to condemn my desires, and stick a nail in the lid of the coffin, to stop us from having a Bubba! Wow! Where's God's grace in all this!!

Like a Slap in the Face

Don't you just hate it, when you're just doing life, minding your own business, when suddenly the grief of the struggle to conceive slaps you in the face... usually at the most awkward moments... or is it just me!

Hubby and I had taken my Stepson out for the day over the weekend. We thought it would be fun to visit a local farm attraction, and it was! We had so much fun together. But literally about an hour after lunch, I suddenly had this huge overwhelming desire to burst into tears. As I looked around me I was literally surrounded by families with babies and toddlers - some of the kids resembling so strongly their mum or dad. I looked at Hubby and his boy, and there is absolutely no denying they are father and son.

I wondered what my own Bubba would be like, whether he or she would resemble me physically or in character. I then wondered how much fun my Bubba would have and how I would be able to talk to my Bubba about the animals, and of how God created them. We could have petted them together, fed them together and done the things I saw mum's doing with their precious little ones. And what Hubby was doing with his son. I could have shared in a more intimate way, the excitement of my Bubba as a lovebird landed on his or her hand, the exuberance of whizzing down the bumpy slide, the joy at watching the meerkats playing together, the laughter as he or she tried to stroke one of the pesky chickens... as a step parent, I really felt outside the "family bond" which I was supposed to be a part of.

The impact of this came up so suddenly, without warning, without me actively thinking along those lines, and the accompanying grief was immense. Unexpected in the middle of a brilliant day trip. It was all I could do to hold back the tears, right there in the middle of muddy puddles, in my wellies, surrounded by all these families on the farm.

Hubby was brilliant. He sensed almost as soon as I was aware of my emotional state, what was happening within me. He didn't tell me to "pull myself together" or to "just enjoy the day for what it is" or to "forget about our struggles", he understood that this was suddenly a lot harder than it should have been as a day out together. He held me. He comforted me. He was there for me. He understood.

On the drive home, when Hubby and his son were asleep in the car (both in exactly the same position, head back, mouth open), I finally afforded myself the luxury of the tears which had built up so suddenly. They flowed like streams of grief down my cheeks, my heart ached with the emptiness of my empty arms, my broken body, my unfulfilled womb. The grief allowed to leave my heart, leave my soul and come out into the open. Sometimes, we need to allow ourselves to let it go.

This Journey for Bubba is hard work, and pretending otherwise is to deny the depths of the longing for our own child. Trusting God will work in my impossible situation doesn't mean there won' be times it hurts. Faith is believing God can and will work in this Journey, and until He does, I will work through the days like this when my mind gives me an unexpected slap in the face.

Dealing With Disappointment

There's no easy way to deal with disappointment, regardless of whether it's related to TTC or another area of life. Disappointment has caused many a great man or woman to the end of life. But for a woman who is so in tune with her body, she knows the ins and outs of her cycle because of the journey of fertility she has been placed on, disappointment has the opportunity to rear its ugly head regularly.

It's all well and good trying to tell a woman who is TTC not to 'get her hopes up each month' when she is ever watchful of every change in her cycle. Most of us, after the initial excitement at the start of our journey for a baby learn after a few failed attempts to control the hope which fades with each month that passes. But the anticipation which comes from the late arrival of aunt flow, no matter how hard she tries not to get her hopes up, with each day, fear begins to slowly merge into hope.

A woman who is TTC knows her cycle intimately. One or two days late... Ahh that's normal. Three days late... Well that was the longest late start since we started. Four days... This is new territory. Five days... Could this be. When something goes beyond a woman's 'normal' she can't help but wonder what it means. Can't help but wonder if maybe this is the time. She may not verbalize it, but hope grows inside her.

So when that hope is broken, with the arrival of aunt flow, her heart is broken with it and another hard lesson is to be learnt if she is going to survive the next time.

I have three wonderful women in my life who share this journey with me, walking with me hand-in-hand through every twist, every drop in terrain. They are a shoulder to cry on. An ear to listen. A word of encouragement when confusion, frustration, fear or anguish attempts to set in. But most of all, they're my prayer support. Upholding me each time I grieve, praying in hope that one day my womb will no longer be empty. Without these wonderful women of God by my side, this difficult journey would be so much harder. Hubby is fantastic, but there's only so much he understands. These women are mothers with their own stories, who understand me and the path I'm on in a way Hubby can't.

My way of dealing with disappointment starts with one or all of these three women upholding me; in the middle somewhere is chocolate, wine and a good cry; and it ends with God. He knows what it is to want to be a Father, He calls out to His creation every day, longing for us to enter into the relationship we're designed to be in with Him, like a child adopted by the best patent he or she could ever wish for. It ends with God because only He can really comfort and heal the deep brokenness of my empty womb, my heart which yearns for motherhood. Only God knows what it takes each time to build me up again and make me stronger.

Dealing with disappointment is a fact of life. I pray you find a way which works for you, no matter what your journey looks like.

Being a Step-mum, While Trying To Conceive

A step-parent will never ever replace the place of a parent in a child's life or heart. Many of us don't even want to. But the relationship needs to be nurtured, as it isn't a natural parent-child relationship. Obviously, the younger the step-parent is brought into the life of a child, the easier it is for this happen, though this isn't always possible. This has been my experience with my Gorgeous Step-son, who I have known since he was three.

But I am finding, that as Hubby and I are TTC, there are times when I find it really hard to connect with them both. Hubby understands this, to an extent, and tries to draw me in, including me in what is happening throughout the weekend he is with us.

The natural relationship between a child and parent is a beautiful one. I see it so clearly in the way Hubby and my Gorgeous Step-son interact with each other. It's wonderful to observe. But painful too. Painful as I watch them and wonder if or when I will have the honour of experiencing that with my own child. There have been occasions recently when it is too much to bear, and I've had to take myself away from them, because the pain has been too great for me to enjoy our time together. When this happens, I try to find a way to make it up to my Gorgeous Step-son, as it is not his fault I am in this situation.

If you are a natural parent, and your wife or husband is a step-parent who isTTC, it is so important that you talk with each other and ensure the step-parent is included and supported in the change to your situation. I believe it is especially hard for a woman who is the outsider trying to conceive. The instinct to be a mother is there, but the opportunity really isn't there, because as I said at the outset, a step-parent never ever wants to replace the natural parent.

As we draw closer to Christmas, it is becoming a little more difficult this year. As I consider taking my Gorgeous Step-son out to purchase a present from him to his daddy, I am aware that this will be missing from my own life. The joy of a hand-made card or present, a drawing, or a specifically chosen gift are an expression of the bond between a child and his or her parent.

If you are in a step-parent situation, I would urge the natural parent to consider the feelings of the step-parent, and include the whole family at Christmas, with gifts or cards. Maybe you already do. Hubby hasn't quite grasped this, yet, as he never did that kind of thing with either of his step-parents - it hasn't dawned on him that I have a different kind of relationship with my Gorgeous Step-son than he did with his step-parents. He told me after my birthday, that he had thought about getting something from my Gorgeous Step-son to me, but hadn't "got around to it". If you don't get around to it, please don't tell your wife or husband you had thought about it, especially if she is TTC.

A thought needs more, it requires a corresponding action.

Especially as this may be the only link between your child and your wife or husband at being in a parent-child relationship. This may be the only opportunity your wife or husband has at being a "mum" or a "dad".