God Does Care....

There comes a point in every Christian woman's life when you realise you've being doing it alone for so long, you've actually been doing it alone.

Without God, I mean.

When circumstances: choices you made, choices made by other people, even the stuff we believe "God controls" which are beyond our comprehension, weighs heavily on our hearts, our minds, our basic understanding of life, I am convinced this can create a new kind of burn-out.

I have literally just finished watching a really cheesy 80's chick flick about Romy and Michelle's high school reunion. These two twenty-something women were so desperate for the old school "AGroup" to like them, they were prepared to hide who they really are, just to fit their perception of what the cool girls would see as "successful".

And yet, here I am, with my own idea of "success" so heavily damaged and on the precipice of never happening, that I have been trying to hide it from myself, and others, for so long, I have recently experienced emotional "crash and burn". Not because I was desperate for others to like me or anything.... But because the whole journey of infertility is not one I should be constantly "banging on about", I should just "deal with it" and carry on with whatever life God has set out for me. Oh this is the bit no one wants to talk about when we discuss the failure of the dream for children, for a family. The constantness of it. The fact that it never goes away. The fact that there are times it can still be so incredibly overwhelming, even after all this time. 

A couple of weekends ago it was the annual conference for work. On the last day, two women who are old enough to know better, made parting remarks to me like, "Hope it all goes well!" While smiling encouragingly, hand on their own bellies while looking across at mine. The curse of having problems like endometriosis and gluten intolerance creating a beautiful little balloon bump at the most inopportune moments, which falsifies the look you actually want and gives a very wrong impression!

That week, was the beginning of the crash. Not because of the things they said. No.... In a sad way within Church, this becomes the norm and one of the first things you learn to deal with. No, it was a culmination of the OTHER problems which rarely get discussed, including the toll infertility takes on your relationships. With yourself. With Hubby. With God.

And so now, two weeks later, while listening to Christy Nockles, I realise that I have been forced into carrying myself through this as a result of Hubby's withdrawal, and my subsequent withdrawal from God. By carrying myself, I actually mean dragging myself along the floor! 

Not only can infertility kill your dreams, it kills your sense of identity, your hope, your trust and faith in a God who genuinely cares, hears and has a future lined-up for you; and the relationship with a Hubby who has a son, and so can't relate to the pain of having no child of your own. And so the cycle spins round and round, loneliness, emptiness, broken dreams, broken promises, wondering what will be, wandering further away. 

And all this in secret!

No one must know! 

No one must see beyond the mask and appearance that we are doing ok, that we are trusting God, that our marriages are intact and our future is secure. 

The secret life we live in our heart and mind to which we stop inviting God to sit in with us, at least, we thought we had. There's only so much we can hide from God. There's only so much weight we can bear. There's only so much of a load we can carry in our own strength, until we break.

And then in His gentleness and mercy, He bends down His face to ours, wetting His cheek with our tears, scoops us up in His arms, and pours out His healing balm into the depths of our wounds, pouring His shalom into our anxious, troubled hearts, and lifts us out of the pit of despair, raising us up to stand once again in His strength, rather than our own, reminding us that we are not alone, He has never left us, and the battle is not ours to fight by ourselves. Even though it feels like it at times. Keep your eyes on Jesus.... He turns His face to yours, gazing into your pain and emptiness and will remain there with you for as long as it will take. He cares. He knows. He loves you. He is with you.

When Infertilty Gets Included!

I started reading a book by Carrie Lloyd who I could really identify with when she spoke recently at a youth workers conference I attended. I mean... This woman rocks! Anyone who wears heels to do her talk when everyone else is in trainers and flip flops is my kind of gal!

Her book, "The Virgin Monologues" is for women! Unashamedly so! And where most authors writing about the issues many women deal with can forget about those of us who can't have children, Carrie address it squarely among the rest of the "stuff" women deal with which can be thrown in our direction...allegedly to make us stronger!

Anyway, I want to share what she says with anyone and everyone!

"To the women who can't have children; to the women who've not yet met their Adam; to the women who 'had it all' and 'lost it all' too: please take your place in the world because we need you. There is something in you that no one else can do and you will be attacked by lies of inadequacy, lies of worthlessness to unremittingly ensure you don't go out and fight the good fight. Build up a fortress of love around yourself and towards others, stabbing the spirit of comparison as you walk upright.

Don't begrudge mothers of motherhood; and mothers, don't begrudge some who are destined for a purpose outside of children."

Carrie Lloyd, The Virgin Monologues; page 30-31

Encouragement In Random Places

A couple of months ago, I was invited to be interviewed for the Salvation Army's War Cry about my journey with infertility. I met with the girl conducting the interview and we had a good old chat.... I even somehow managed to not cry, although I think this is more to do the fact that I'd brought a packet of tissues with me. If I hadn't, guaranteed I would have burst into waterfalls while telling the story of my struggle.

Needless to say that once the article had been printed and sent to me, I completely forgot about it, kinda assuming that only Salvationists would read it... And I didn't think I knew any.

But then!
In my paid job, one of the roles I have is to organise the annual international conference. This year's event just finished on Sunday. So I was completely taken aback when a couple stopped me in my tracks, enroute to sorting out some minor crises, and told me that they had accidentally bought a copy of that ONE issue of War Cry which contained my interview....and they knew me because they happened to support and pray for the organisation I work with.

Wow!
Small world!

They were really encouraging actually. She had married him late in life, after his first wife had died (they were in their 70s) and so she had never had children of her own. She could relate to an extent with what I had shared, and thought it was a brave thing to have done, but so necessary as there are too many people who are going through the stuff of infertility but it NEVER gets spoken about.

They left me with the assurance that they would be praying for me, and had been since reading the interview.

So yeah, you never know how God is going to use the most random of situations to impact, enourage or inspire any of us! :-)


Father God, I thank You and praise You because although I may never know how the interview was received, I know from the one conversations have had about it, that people who have read it are being challenged, encouraged and may gain some insight into the life of a friend or loved one who is struggling to conceive. Father, I pray that if it is Your will for me to speak out about this more, I would never shy away from the vulnerability of being so open, so You can comfort and help someone else. In Jesus name. 

Time Travel?

Today in Church, we had a guest speaker, John Partington. He is the main leader of the AOG denomination our church is a part of, and I usually enjoy when he preaches. Not that I didn't today. But maybe because of what has been happening recently, I found it a lot more challenging today.

Today he spoke on nothing being impossible for God, and he used the example of Abraham and Sarah. When he was 99, Abraham had a visit from God to say, "Hey, Abraham, you're going to be a dad, even though Sara is 90 and you've not been able to have kids yet." Now as someone who has been TTC for a while, this is one of those "fall back" stories I like to go to... that if God can make it possible for Sarah in her 90's to have a baby, then it's not impossible for Him to create life in my 30-something body! Like seriously, I have 60 years on her!

But I know there are times in our journey when it doesn't seem like nothing is impossible, and I'm sure Sarah would have prayed and prayed and pleaded over those 90 years, to have reached the point where she thought, "This is just too difficult, even for God to do."

John said something like, "God always hears our prayers" and my internal dialogue replied to him, "Except when He doesn't" because let's be real there are times when anyone of us can feel that not quite everything is possible for God. It seems like we have flummoxed God with what we are asking Him for.... or maybe that our voice has become lost in the bigger problems of the world we live in. I can understand why Sarah laughed when she heard she was going to have a baby. Especially if she had gone through menopause and had forgotten about wanting to be a mother after all those years.... How long did women remain fertile for back in the day??? Especially as women married much younger then than we do today.

But, as I reflect on this, and it ties in significantly with the Woman to Woman conference I attended last weekend (read more here), I have to find peace in the conclusion, that in spite of how I feel about not having a Baby yet, in spite of how things look, in spite of how many times I pray, God is the only One I can really trust with my life and the road He has me on. I'm not dead yet, which means He still has a plan for my life. And although I feel as though He has forgotten about me, or isn't listening to me, or I have suddenly created this impossible scenario (for God?? Really?? Do I think I am THAT grandiose??? To create an impossibility for the Creator of the world, and of my little life???), that somewhere in it all, I can find peace that God is working things out around me. 

I love to ask questions, and one of the "silly" questions which often gets put "out there" is, "What superpower would you most like to have. I would love to travel through time. I would love to go back in time to the newly-wed Sarah who was watching her friends and sisters having children, and wrestling with why she wasn't having the baby she should be able to conceive, and reassure her, "Hey, Sarah, it's OK.... when you're 90, you're going to be a mum." But it probably wouldn't have been much comfort to the young 20 year old girl. She might have laughed then.... a woman in her nineties becoming a mother..... That's a tabloid headline!! In the same way, I'd also like to travel forward in my own life and find out what happens five years from now, ten years from now. Do I have children? Does God have something else planned?? Does it get any easier to handle???

But I can't travel through time, so I have to keep focussed on the One Who is above and beyond time, and know that whatever happens, He is right with me, reassuring me, and speaking His words of life into my heart. So maybe.... nothing is impossible for God, even changing my heart to line up with His plan for me.


Father God, I'm sorry for when I doubt You, or doubt what You say in Your Word. It's hard to believe when I sometimes expect You to answer my prayers in my way at my time. I don't mean to try to lead You, I need to allow You to lead me. Help me when I start to try to walk in front of You, but Lord.... help me when I am afraid to lean on You and know You are by my side, even if things don't seem to be going my way. In Jesus' name.

Reflections from the Woman To Woman Conference, 2014

Over the weekend, I attended the Woman to Woman conference in London, organised by the presenter of the Premier Radio show of the same name, Maria. The conference was themed "All Things are Possible" from Matthew 19:26, and the popularity of the conference, as well as the incredible faith demonstrated by Maria, is that the venue, Westminster Central Hall was fully booked and they booked a second venue to run the SAME conference at the SAME time, with the SAME theme and the SAME speakers!!! I was in the overflow venue, and there was such a sweet fragrance of Jesus, that we did not feel like we were any less a part of the day, than had we booked earlier to get into the main venue! And as a smaller venue, there may have been more of a sense of intimacy.

One of the main points which I received from the day was the fact that we are all going through STUFF! I think the reason the event was fully booked is because every one of us is desperate to see God move in our lives, and to really see #allthingsarepossible! We all face situations which are not easy, and when we struggle to see God in the middle of it all, and I know this from my own Journey for Bubba (as well as other stuff that's been going on recently) it can be difficult to actually see God at work in our lives. One of the speakers, Danielle Strickland, had a bit of catchphrase in her talk, in relation to "All things are possible"... "What? In real life, God?" When you are struggling to deal with life on a daily basis, it can be hard to believe, "ALL THINGS" are possible.

As those of us walking through our own Journey of infertility are all too aware!

An important revelation moment came through the personal story of Katharine Welby-Roberts (daughter of the current Archbishop of Canterbury), who spoke about her very real, very present, very difficult journey with God and the depression she suffers from (you can read what she said here). The impact her testimony had was so powerful she received a spontaneous standing ovation when she finished. It wasn't so much about what she said (although she gave us some brilliant pearls of wisdom in her honesty about her journey!) as much as it was about her vulnerability and openness: The reality that actually, life is flipping difficult, it isn't fair, and it does cause us to question God and our faith in Him, "how do we reconcile belief with the world in which we live?". It's the sense that in spite of living with the types of illnesses the Church finds difficult to deal with, God accepts us and loves us - the Bible is filled with accounts of people who struggled with depression, even down to those who had suicidal thoughts! So that is why Katharine can say firmly, "When I am in my blackest and darkest place, I can find a sense of peace... God is sitting in the darkness with me."

I know there are people in the Church who struggle with the same thing I do, and yes.... there are times when we do feel depressed because of the infertility. Too many of us in the Church are fixing a mask each week, and pretending we're OK, when actually there are times we feel so distant from what is happening around us, it's like we're trapped in a huge, lonely void of isolation, hopelessness and despair...pushing our faith in God, and our experience of His love, to the very limit!

Jesus Himself said, "I didn't come for those who are whole, but for the sick"... How come then, the Church is full of sick people walking around hiding their reality and pretending we are whole. When did the Church become so fixated on "being fixed" that we forgot to let God know we need His healing and restoration in our lives? When did we hold back from allowing God to fix us, in pretending everything is OK? When did we inadvertently start to condemn those who are struggling for not having enough faith?? What message are we giving the hurting around us, if we walk around like nothing is wrong - ever? Why is it that some of the big issues people are dealing with, like depression, like infertility, are stuff the Bible talks about... but Church shies away from?? Why do we accept the Bible "greats" like, Hannah, David, Sarah, Elijah, but seem to shun the people around us who are exactly like them, with the same issues?

In asking these questions, I'm also aware that I too add to this, by hiding from people who know me the deepest issues of my heart which affect my daily walk with God. There are many people I know, who have no idea about my struggle to conceive. I have never posted anything from this blog on my Facebook page... because it worries me how some people will respond, because I don't want some people to know "this" about me, because there's a sense of pride that I should be OK, that because I'm a child of God I shouldn't have any problems, that God will make a way where there seems to be no way so if I speak out against that I am doubting him, because there is a sense of being judged by others, because the Church is better at condemning than we are at demonstrating graciousness! 

But in holding back, am I actually stopping God from using my story, and my very real struggle; to witness to another woman (or man) who is struggling to hold it all together in their own Journey through infertility? Sure... there has to be a level of wisdom... But in taking off the mask, and being real, open and vulnerable... would we make space for God to comfort us through others, and use us to comfort people in the same situations... The Bible says, when one part suffers, we all suffer.... But how can we walk alongside someone in their darkness, or allow someone to walk alongside us through ours, if we're all walking around hiding the deep scars, struggles, and soul-cries?!!?

The question then becomes,  who's going to make the first move and how do they do it???
Father God, I believe You are trying to strip away our pride and cause us to lay our souls bare, so that we can be a clear witness about the work You are doing in our lives EACH DAY! I believe You want people to be more authentic in how we relate to You, and in how we relate to each other. I pray You would give me the courage to be real about what I'm going through when You need me to be, in the hope that You will provide someone the comfort they need through their own struggle - whatever they are walking with. And when I am vulnerable, I pray You would protect me from the harm. In Jesus name.

You'll Never Walk Alone

After hiding from Church and people on Sunday morning (see previous post for explanation), I went to Church in the evening. I was debating whether to go or not in the car, but decided I would. And I'm glad I went. God is so amazing!!! 

When I had been feeling like I'm alone in this struggle for Bubba, the sermon delivered that night was "You'll never walk alone". This was exactly what I needed to be reminded of, because when we're in the midst of the battle, sometimes we don't hear the simplest of God's promises to those who put their trust in Him. 

Deuteronomy 31:6 (NLT)  So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you.”

There are many times the Lord reminds us that we are not alone, and it is this still, small voice which is whispering right into the depths of my heart, right into my brokenness, right into the midst of my loneliness and isolation - I AM with you.  Where no one else can see - God is there, and He hears the silent screams which others aren't aware of, even those closest to me.

It's not just words. It's truth. It's reassurance. It's hope. It's what I really needed to hear, that I am not alone, even though it feels like it. That God hasn't given up on His plan for my life, even though it seems like this Journey for Bubba caught Him off-guard like it caught me off-guard. That no tear is released without God knowing the reason behind it - even when I have no idea what triggered the tears this time. God knows. God cares. God is there. He will not leave me. He will not forsake me. He is there. He is here.


Father God, it is so hard to walk this Journey, when it seems that there is not end to it, as months roll into years, and life continues marching forward as it always has done, and when it seems that everyone else has forgotten what we are facing each month. Father, thank You that You are true to Your word, that when You promised You wouldn't leave my side, or forsake me to walk alone, that You are right there with me, with Hubby, and with us together in our heartache. Father, thank You for reminding me of this. I pray that every husband or wife who needs to know You are there with them, at this moment - whether this moment is in the reading of this prayer, or in the moment of my writing, I pray Your would comfort them to the point where they know You truly are there and You haven't left them alone. I pray, Father, that everyone one of us walking our own Journey for Bubba would know for sure that we do not walk alone. In Jesus name.

When Heaven Is Silent...

One of the things I promised myself, when I first started writing this blog, is that I would use this as a way of being real with my own thoughts, as a means of trying to work out what I am feeling.... I'm not the most expressive of people - except through writing. Somehow I have always found it easier to write than to speak about what I think or feel - which completely drives Hubby mad, because he prefers me to talk than to have to read about it!

This kind of walk which we're going through, which seems so endless and hopeless, also has made it harder for me to connect with the God Who I have always depended on. We all go through those times when God seems so far away, when our cries, our pleading,our prayers seem to surround us with their taunting echoing - as though bouncing around and around the cold stone walls which have built up around me. When the silence from God is so deafening, it hurts, and my heart is weary from all the tears. 

I have never gone through such a long struggle to connect with my Saviour, as I seem to be going through at this moment... and as much as I would love to see an end to the infertility challenge, I would also love to see an end to the silence of heaven. I love to study His Word, and gain so much from those times - but that personal one-on-one connection which we all long for with Heavenly Father... this is missing. Maybe it's because I have made myself busy, in order to try to handle this Journey? Maybe it's because I am battle weary? Maybe it's the anger at what we are struggling with? Maybe it's the endlessness of the Journey? Maybe it's the seemingly unanswered prayers over these last few years? Maybe it's because Hubby and I aren't as united in our desperation to seek God as we should be? Maybe it's all this and more.

I'm not posting this in the hope for pity or anything... I'm posting it because I believe that there are many others in the same Journey for Bubba who may also be feeling so distant from God, who may also experience that same sense of aloneness, desperation and sadness, in thinking God has forgotten about us, about the promise for us to be a mother, has turned His back on us and has become as bored with our pleas as we have become with repeating ourselves.

But regardless of how we feel, "Everything is going to be OK"
God not only comforts us in our grief and loneliness, He wipes our tears, collecting them as they flow - each precious heartfelt sob from the heart - and places them in a special place. When we are with Him, He will show you exactly how close He was to you. He hasn't stopped caring about you, or what you are going through, because nothing can separate you from the love He lavishes on you. Whatever else you think and feel about your Journey, somehow we have to look past this, and hold onto the truth that our Heavenly Father hasn't given up on us, and that He is trying to speak to us, as much as we are trying to listen. His grace is sufficient to carry you through each day - each heart-breaking month which passes, each grief-stricken sob of hopelessness. He will never leave you. He will never abandon you. He won't give up on the plans and promises He has for you. So whatever you feel... reflect on these things, and may they keep you close to God, embraced in His strong arms of love and support, and may you find rest in His peace.

Blessed Are Those Who Mourn

My car CD player has been broken for a couple of weeks. It only needed a new fuse, but as I am useless at that kind of thing, I had to wait for the time when Hubby was free to do change it. It's funny how much you miss having the freedom to play music when it is taken away from you!!

So when Hubby finally remembered to change the fuse, I found that when I started to play the CD, I listened more intently to what was playing. As I did, one line from one of the songs on the Desperation Band album "Centre of it All" really struck me.

"Your comfort is for all the hurting"

This one line is so profound in its simplicity, for we can only receive the comfort of God when we are hurting, We can't know this aspect of God's nature when we aren't in pain, for we would not have need to be comforted. As Jesus said,

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." (Matthew 5:4)

Many times, in this journey, I have known what it is to mourn. Someone said to me over the weekend, "You can't grieve what you don't know you're missing." But I can promise I really do know what I am missing, I have spent enough time with my gorgeous Nephews and Stepson to have a very clear understanding of what I am missing, and battle daily with the emptiness of my barren womb, my arms which long to hold Bubba, my hand which longs to take the tiny hand of my child and lead them, safely, through life. My grief may not be as visible as the parent who has lost a child, but I know I have experienced the comfort of God in my hurting... in my mourning. 

Wherever you are in your journey, know that Father God fully understands what we are fighting against, and how we are feeling, even if others don't get it. He is with you, walking through each day, and pouring out the balm of His comfort within your moment of grief and mourning. 

Infertility And Depression

Why on earth am I struggling to contain my tears whilst sitting in Starbucks, enjoying one of ther "Festive Favourites"??? Oh yeah... it's because I started a new cycle, and there's a mum on the next table breastfeeding her Bubba... reminding me what I am not. Maybe I should leave... but why should I... I was here first, and I was perfectly OK sourcing some images for an article I had worked on. 

It is so maddening to suddenly have to contain my emotions, these crazy emotions which seem to have a life of their own, and usually let me know they exist when I'm out in public... why couldn't they just keep in check until it's dark and I'm alone!

Grrrr!!

The fact is, that according to a charity poll conducted recently, 91% of people suffering with fertility problems suffer from depression at some point in their struggles. Perhaps, one of the most difficult emotional consequences of infertility is the loss of control over one’s life (Domar AD, Seibel MM. Emotional aspects of infertility. In Seibel MM (ed). Infertility: a comprehensive text. Stamford: Appleton and Lange; 1997.p.29-44). A loss of control creates a huge sense of hopelessness when thinking about the future.

In my experience, there seems to be offers of support for those who go down the route of using one of the treatments available, like IVF, IUI etc... but what of those of us who can't use them for financial or health reasons, what about those who want to but are not eligible for help from the NHS, or what about those who had a number of attempts, which weren't successful and now the courses, and all options, have come to an end - what support? What counselling? What help?

Depression is the silent enemy of women who desire to be a Mumma, and who are fighting infertility. It can take a grip at any moment. As Christian's this can lead to the added pressure of feeling incredibly guilty - after all, aren't we supposed to trust God! Doesn't depression mean we have stopped trusting God??? How can we be a "good Christian" if we are depressed?? Not only does the Christian woman have to suffer the heartbreaking stigma of being infertile, but there's the added anxiety of having to appear to "hold it all together" and yet all you may want to do is hide in a dark corner, eat chocolate and never face the world again. The feeling of depression may even take you to the edge of suicide as the prospect of never being a Mumma is too much to bear.

Don't suffer alone. You're walking a lonely road anyway, but you don't have to be alone in it. Let your Hubby in to your heartache. Even if he doesn't understand what you are going through completely, he loves you and wants to be there to just hold you in your pain - remember he is fighting a similar battle with you.

Don't hold back your emotions... OK there may be occasions when you will need to run to the nearest toilet, but you need to be honest with yourself. You need to allow yourself to grieve without pressuring yourself to "get over it".

Be honest with God. I know, I know... talking to God may seem like the hardest thing to d right now, especially if you blame him for your fight against infertility. But we need to "forgive God" for ourselves, because He is the only One who can truly uphold you through the darkest days. It might feel like He has abandoned you, or is withholding good things from you, but He knows the plans He has for you, plans to prosper you, not to harm you. We may not understand His ways, but we can trust them.

And if you need to, seek out a counsellor. The Infertility Network offer a support helpline (click the link to access information and the number) for those who need to speak to someone who really understands the struggles associated with infertility.

Find a Journey Buddy, preferably another woman who is going through a similar experience, or who has been through it and come out the other side (however that may look). Ain't no one gonna understand like someone who has worn similar shoes on a similar path.

Oh honey, I really wish I could make things better for you, but I pray that you will see the light of Jesus shining in your dark place. 

May you find rest in Yeshua's Shalom

Talking About Fertility on Premier Radio

In the week leading up to the National Infertility Awareness Week, Maria Rodrigues-Toth interviewed Rosemary Morgan, author of the book, "Living With Infertility: A Christian Perspective" about her journey with infertility, on her Woman to Woman show (Premier Christian Radio).

Within the interview, Rosemary is honest about her relationship with God, and her anger toward Him, feeling that He was doing something terrible toward her, in withholding a baby from her. What she found though, was that God was feeling the pain she was - His arms aching for His children, just as her own arms ached to hold her own baby. She also speaks of the challenges to her womanhood, and the disappointment she felt each month having to tell her Hubby they were not pregnant, not to mention the things people say!

I have since ordered the book, on the back of hearing the interview, which I will review. In the meantime, click here to listen to Maria's interview with Rosemary on Premier Christian Radio's Woman to Woman show.

Take Back What Was Stolen

I was reminiscing with my little brother about a song we used to love to sing and shout and dance around to... usually when we were in the car... much to the amusement of other drivers!

The song formed part of a medley of songs, titled, "Enemy's Camp / Look What the Lord Has Done!" (listen here) and we used to turn up loud and proclaim the words for our own lives. 

As I was listening to it tonight, I suddenly had a sense of God's voice saying that someone needed to proclaim this over their situation, relating to your journey through fertility:

The difficulties you face may have been caused by a sexually transmitted disease, as a result of life choices you have made... this is NOT God's punishment, take back what the enemy has stolen from you. It may be caused by a hereditary illness passed on from the generations before, this is NOT God's plan, take back what the enemy has stolen from you. It may be caused by a build up of toxins in your body, like Endometriosis or PCOS, God is your healing, take back what the enemy has stolen.

Whatever the reason for our battle to conceive, the enemy is trying to steal your hope, your peace, your joy, your sense of excitement for life - do not let him, take back what he has stolen. God gave them to YOU. They are freely available for you through Yeshua. Don't let the enemy steal what God has placed in your life - take back what he has stolen, proclaim the truth,  stomp around if you have to, and celebrate that one day, you WILL testify "Look What the Lord Has Done"!!!!

God's Whisper Into My Broken Heart

I wasn't sure about sharing this, but I would like one day, when Bubba is conceived, I would like to use this to reflect on the Journey the Lord has led me on with Bubba when he or she is old enough to understand how God has planned him or her. 

A few weeks ago, a member of the Church, who is in the same Home Group, called me one Sunday morning, as she'd had a word from the Lord for me. I was going to Church in the evening, and as I was still recovering from the op, I'd decided to only attend the one service. Anyway, she called me after lunch and blew me away with what she shared with me:

She told me she had been praying for me during the morning while she was getting ready for Church, and while she was praying the Lord gave her a picture - a revelation. She said she saw me watching TV, watching the news reports of the new Royal baby's arrival. She said that as she watched me, watching TV, I was wiping tears from my eyes. She said she was taken back to the time in her life when she was trying for a baby, for a son she had been told she would never had, and experienced an overwhelming grief with me as she had felt back then. Then as the reports came to and end, and another programme came on, I shook my hair and wiped my face as if to say "Right then. That's it! Time to just move on with things."

She said after showing her this picture, He told her to tell me two things. One: He is Creator, and His speciality is in new creation. Two: He has not taken me off the mother list.

What this lady didn't know was that Hubby and I were trying for Bubba, and that I had just had an operation to unblock my Fallopian tubes, which had failed. When I said this to her, she said she had always seen me as a career woman with goals and ambition, and had not been confident enough to share the picture with me, without first checking it with our Home Group leader (who knows our situation). 

Neither did she know that the picture the Lord had shown her was EXACTLY how I had been during all the wall-to-wall news reports were being broadcast about the new royal arrival. As I prayed for the new baby and his royal parents, I felt overwhelming grief about my own situation, as I tried to come to terms with the abandoned op I'd had a few days earlier. 

And only the Lord knew how close I was to giving up hope of ever becoming Mumma to our own Bubba. Where science has failed me, God won't. He restored my hope for the future of having Bubba...and my hope for a future, full stop. 

I don't know how long we will have to wait - because God doesn't always reveal a time frame. But He has given me a glimpse into the work He is doing behind the scenes for Hubby and me. God IS the Creator of life - and where my Fallopian tubes have become blocked and are failing at this moment in time, God knows how to bypass this and to make a way for Bubba to be conceived where there seems to be absolutely no way. He is God. He will make a way through for the right sperm to connect with a healthy egg, and for a healthy Bubba to be conceived, implanted and develop. 

Thank You Lord for for whispering Your words of comfort and love, of a hope and a future into me broken heart. Thank You for the faithfulness of women like this who You are able to bring revelation and prophecy to, because they seek Your face. I pray for anyone reading this who needs this kind of encouragement for their own Journey for Bubba, that You would also whisper Your love, comfort, hope and future into their broken hearts, in Jesus' name.

Prophetic Fuschia - A Word for Someone.

OK, so I don't claim to be a prophet, or anything like that, and this is the first time this has really happened in relation to this blog, but I really feel that the Lord has given me a word for someone reading this. Now bearing in mind i don't know who reads this, I think it's amazing that God has chosen to use me to encourage you. So here goes.

In my hanging baskets last year, I added a couple of fuschias to add some colour and height. They looked amazing and served the purpose for which I had bought them, last summer. I don't know much about plants, so when the hanging basket died down in the late autumn, I just assumed I would need to buy more annuals when the time came for it in the late spring. Not thinking anything more about the mass of dead branches, and withered leaves which clogged up the hanging baskets at the front of my house. I suppose if I was a bit more savvy, I'd have created some kind of winter display, instead of leaving the dead stuff!

Skip ahead six months, and it's time for me to work on this year's display, so off I trundle one Bank Holiday to the Garden Centre and invest in a range of plants, some annuals and some perennials (this grow back year after year, so I'm told!!). I bought a load of soily stuff and with the help of some helpful random bloke who was minding his own business, I manage to get everything into the back of my car, and home!

It was such a gorgeous day as I sat on the patio, clearing out the old baskets and replanting the new stuff into the new soil, and I chatted with the Lord while I worked. When I picked up the third basket, I started to tip the old dead stuff out, when suddenly I looked closer at what was inside. The fuschia, which I had assumed was dead, had a couple of bright green leaves sprouting on it. There was life, where I thought there was death.

Someone reading this has been thinking that their womb is dead, because it is not doing what it should be doing. I had thought the fuschia was dead because it looked dead in the basket - I had thought it wasn't doing what it should have been doing - even though I had left it outside throughout the cold, hard winter we have just had.

You may have experienced a cold, hard "winter" in relation to your desire to start a family, and you may not have thought your womb was able to produce life, having only experienced death, but God is telling you that where you thought death was, He will bring life. Your womb is not dead. It will sprout new growth. Your womb will bring forth the life for which God created it. don't "throw it away".


Father God, I pray You will lead the right person / people to read this post who You have spoken this word over. And I pray that you will cause life to spring up in the womb which has been considered, or pronounced as being "dead". I pray for those wives of Husbands who are affected by fertility issues, that they too would experience life in that which has been thought of as being dead. Lord Jesus, I pray You would breathe life into couples whose hope is in You. In Jesus' name.

Guest Post - When The Doctor Said "No"... God Said "Yes"!

I was recently at a women's event in my local Church where a friend of mine had been asked to share her testimony. As I listened, encouraged by what the Lord had done for her and her Hubby, I knew I had to ask her if she would share her story. So here is a Guest Post from my friend Pam:

My husband and I had a very big year in 2004. It was one of those years where quite a few life changing events took place and it didn't stop until….. well, it hasn't stopped yet! The catalyst year though was definitely 2004. We were married in April 2004, but then had to say goodbye to three close family members. My gran and also my great-aunt, along with my mother-in-law all passed away within a few weeks of each other. My mother-in-law left the biggest hole in our lives. Her name was Mary and she was an amazing prayer warrior – always interceding for us and always so full of love for everyone. I tolerated the “Christian” aspect of her life because, unlike so many other Christians I had met, Mary’s faith was helping people around her.

At this point I think it would be useful for you to know where I was in my walk with Jesus – I hadn't even put my sandals on! No, at this point in my life I was still a proud atheist who didn't need the crutch of religion to help me deal with life. I was a strong, independent person who took control of her destiny and I had stopped believing in things like the Easter bunny and Santa when I was a child. My thoughts towards anyone who believed in a higher power were not complimentary and (in short) I felt that they should all stop messing about and get on with life in the REAL world. My husband was (and still is) a Christian, but he had wandered away slightly. He was still aware of Jesus and the love of God, but chose to ignore them. It was just before his mum died that he made the decision to go back to Church and live again for Jesus, but that is a testimony for another day – back now to other interesting things that happened in 2004!

This was also the year we decided to start trying for a baby. We started in January of 2004 (thinking that as we were getting married in April anyway that it was OK! ). By November I still wasn't pregnant, so I went to my doctor for some routine checks. I think now is probably a good time to tell you about my health in general. My health in general was good, especially now that I had quit smoking, however – despite losing around five stone for the wedding, I was still around 28 stone. Yep – 28 stone and wondering why I wasn't pregnant yet (d’oh!). Despite my weight, the doctor was amazing and checked everything rather than simply dismissing my lack of babies to my size. She asked me lots of questions, gave me a smear and a quick internal exam and even offered to refer me to a dietitian (which I declined because I wasn't fat!).

About a week later, the doctor called me at home and told me that my smear test had come back as abnormal and I would need to see someone at the hospital for a colposcopy (This is a procedure to examine an illuminated, magnified view of the cervix and the tissues of the vagina and vulva, using a machine which magnifies the area to be examined in a similar way to a pair of binoculars on a pole!). I had no idea what was going on. I felt frightened and had to wait over Christmas before my appointment at the hospital in January 2005. 

When January came around, I was completely unprepared. I thought colposcopies were simply a longer smear test. No-one said there might be cutting. I managed to hold it together while I was in the hospital, but as soon as I saw my husband, I broke down. I knew the doctors were doing what they needed to do and I trusted them completely. They explained that because of what they could see, they would need to do a biopsy. The nurse was comforting and compassionate – everything in that room was done with the upmost care and consideration, yet I still felt I had been violated. I took a few days off work and just sat in front of the telly. I didn't really talk to anyone for those few days but gradually I came out of it and went back to work. 

On 14th February 2005, I was diagnosed with 2a2 cervical cancer. This means that the cancer is over 4cm and is trying to spread. The consultant said he needed to remove the cancer with surgery then he would formulate a plan of treatment. The rest of the year consisted of surgery, recuperation, more surgery and recuperation and plenty of waiting. During my birthday and our first wedding anniversary I was recovering from surgery and my poor husband would have had
more fun in the bedroom if he’d had stayed single! Then in July 2005, my consultant called me at work and said he needed to see me ASAP. My boss overheard the conversation and insisted she come with me. I was so glad that she did. At the time I thought it was probably my consultant being overprotective, but at least my boss would know I wasn't lying about having cancer and needing lots of time off! 

My consultant said that my latest blood results were through and the result of an MRI scan. He said that they had found tumours in my blood and the MRI showed my lymph nodes in my groin were enlarged. These things together meant they had not been successful in removing the cancer before it spread; I would need to have the lymph nodes removed from my groin; I would need chemotherapy and possibly radiotherapy; my chances of survival were not good.
My consultant booked surgery for me to take place in August 2005 – my husband and his Church started praying.

After the surgery my consultant was astounded. The surgery, although difficult, was a success; He had held the inflamed lymph nodes in his hand and saw how swollen they were – yet, results had come back to say that there was no cancer in ANY of the nodes. They checked my bloods again and the tumours had gone! I had been spared! Saved by the hand of God, but it still wasn't enough to make me believe.

During 2005, when my husband was going to Church and re-kindling his relationship with Abba, something was changing in him. Something good, and I started to ask questions about my husband’s faith and who God was to him. This change also prompted me to read lots of books while I was recovering from surgery. I chose books about God and religion (for and against) but the best book I read was “Word on the Street” (A paraphrased Bible, written by a man with terminal cancer). For the first time ever, I had read the Bible and not felt immediately bored, lost and confused! I could read this book like, well, a book! And my favourite book inside my favourite Book was Job. Yes – Job. It is still my favourite book of the Bible today, but back then it was because I identified with the suffering and the isolation of Job. I started to study Job and his actions. I looked at the council he was receiving from his friends and his wife. I started to think about how much I loved my own husband and how much pain would my husband have to be in for me to want him to die? And then I began to think about Job’s refusal to curse God. I came to the conclusion that Job must have had a REAL encounter with God in his life. That “God” for Job was something more than a story. Real enough for him to endure suffering and choose God over his wife.

The removal of my lymph nodes in August 2005 was to be my last cancer surgery, so I asked my consultant if I could start trying for a baby again. The news he gave me was awful. My consultant said that due to my size, I would find it very difficult to conceive, but not only that, the cancer was so big that what was left of my cervix would not be enough to support a baby. If I did manage to get pregnant, I would miscarry.

We needed a holiday. So in April 2006, my husband and I went on a second honeymoon to the Maldieves – bliss! We had talked about the baby situation and decided that we would keep trying for a baby, but neither of us really held out much hope. Plus, my periods since surgery had become so painful I often ended up in hospital on morphine! I really wanted to go on the pill and stop my periods so, two months was the time-frame. If I wasn't pregnant by then, we would stop trying.

The holiday was amazing, but I couldn't get Job and God out of my head; so one night, when Hubby was asleep, I prayed. In my head I said this “God – I have read everything for and against you, I have seen the change in my husband’s life and I am in no doubt that if you are real, you are a loving God. That is my issue though. IF YOU ARE REAL. No-one can prove or dis-prove your existence. If I am going to live for You, I need to know You are real. So I am going to stop doing something that I know you don’t like and in return You are going to prove to me You are real. Amen”. I am laughing my head off writing this! It’s a good job God can see our hearts – I'm not sure I would get away with a prayer like that now! 

God is a loving and generous God – the perfect Father. We are not exactly sure if our baby was conceived on that night or the following night but it was by the grace and generosity of God that our baby was made.

Obviously I didn't know I was pregnant at that point – I found out a couple of months later. Because of my size, my periods were not regular and I felt that it would be better for me to start the contraceptive pill after I had one final, natural, extremely painful period. So, two months passed – and still no visit from Aunt Flo, hmmm. My first thought was “Oh-no, the cancer is back.” So I made myself an appointment with the doctor and as per procedure, I do a pregnancy test (because when doctors are fiddling in that area, they like to know you are not pregnant and unless you tell them you took a test yourself and you know you are not pregnant, they will make you wee in a jar and test you themselves!) but the result is unfamiliar to me. There should be one line, not two. I don’t know what two lines mean and I think I may have stuffed up the test, so I do another one. Two lines again. I call my Hubby and ask him to bring the instructions in from the bedroom while I do wee-wees on yet another test. My Hubby is now in the bathroom with me, reading the instructions out loud while I am peeing on a fourth test. “Two lines means you are pregnant” he said. We both looked at each other, my husband with overwhelming joy in his eyes while I must have looked like a rabbit caught in headlights! Such joyous news – we had managed to get pregnant, but my thoughts went immediately to the words spoken over me by my consultant, “Your cervix is too small and too weak to support a pregnancy. You will miscarry”.

As soon as my consultant found out I was pregnant, he arranged weekly scans on my cervix and sure enough, as my healthy baby grew, my cervix began to open and it looked as though I was going to miscarry. At this point I was still not a Christian, but my husband’s faith and re-commitment was flourishing. He had the whole church praying for this baby and my salvation! At exactly 11 weeks pregnant, my consultant saw “funnelling” on my cervical scan (an indication that the cervix was opening). He told me of a procedure he could do called a cerclage which would basically mean he would wrap a stitch around my cervix to ensure it stayed closed. It would mean having a general anesthetic and potentially a c-section to deliver the baby. There was also another complication – the pregnancy has to be a minimum of 12 weeks before the cerclage can be done. I was only 11 weeks. 

My consultant booked the surgery for the following week and ordered me to stay in bed until I needed to come to hospital for the procedure.

It was one of the longest weeks of my life, knowing that my baby could potentially fall out at any moment. But God is good! The baby stayed in long enough for me to have the surgery.

I was completely unaware of the intercession  happening behind the scenes, because although my husband told me that he and the Church were praying, I was still in the mind set of “I bet they are only saying that to be nice. No-one likes me really because I’m not even a Christian”.

I was around five months pregnant when God reminded me of my promise to Him in the Maldives. The promise where I said He had to prove He existed in order for me to be comfortable following Him! So I held up my end of the bargain and gave my life to Him. As soon as I said the prayer I was on fire for His Word! I couldn't get enough of it. I wasn't working, so all I did all day was read and chat with God! He grew me so much in those first two months because He needed me to be strong in Him for what was about to come.

On the 11th Dec 2006, I awoke with a pain in my back. It was around the time I would normally get up anyway, so I asked my Hubby if he would mind rubbing my back a little as we lay in bed. His warm hands soon eased the pain and he asked me if I was OK?  The pain was similar to the type of pain you would get on your period only intensified. I re-assured him that now the pain had gone I felt fine and we got up as usual. My Hubby soon left for work and I was in the flat alone. Normally I would get on with the housework, watch some telly and generally enjoy being pregnant, but today something was different. I was getting some strong Braxton Hicks (a normal part of pregnancy where muscles contract in preparation for labour) and I was really fidgety. I couldn't sit still and I couldn't seem to get comfy. I decided I had too much energy and needed to go for a walk! When I got back the Braxton Hicks were worse than ever and I still couldn't get comfy. It was at this point (around 1:30pm) when I decided to call the hospital and have a little chat, you know, get some advice etc. When I explained to the midwife what I was experiencing, she said to me “have you had a show?”

I said “no, I am only 34 and a bit weeks pregnant and I have a cerclage, so I won’t have a show and my waters probably won’t break either.”

To which the midwife calmly replied, “how soon can you come in?”

“I can’t come in right now as my husband has taken the car to work and I’m not getting on the bus, so I’ll be there around 6pm-ish. And I can’t stay long because I have to be at my father-in-law’s home for dinner this evening.” Was my response.

In the same lovely calming voice the midwife said, “you come in whenever you’re ready Mrs Gibson. We’ll be ready for you.”

I hung up, annoyed that the midwives seem to want you to come in for every little thing. All I wanted was a bit of advice! Hubby arrived home at 5:30pm to find me on the bed doing some interesting breathing to help me through the pain of the Braxton Hicks. I told him that the midwife at the hospital had asked me to come in, but we didn't have to go if it would mean upsetting his dad. My husband’s reply was, “you’re going to the hospital and I think we should take the overnight bag.”

Once at the hospital we were swiftly escorted to the Labour Ward, where I was hooked up to monitors and separated from my trousers and pants. I started my controlled breathing again as yet another Braxton Hicks appeared. The midwife watching the monitors said “Can you feel that?”

“Yes,” I replied “It feels like a period cramp – the breathing keeps the pain away.”

The midwife left the room and immediately came back with a doctor. Now I was getting annoyed. “Is this going to take much longer?” I said to the doctor, “ I've got dinner plans this evening”

The doctor looked at me and said “Mrs Gibson, you are in labour…”

“No I’m not!” I interrupted “It’s too soon for the baby to come and besides, this is just Braxton Hicks, it’s not enough pain for it to be labour!”

The doctor looked like he’d seen my type before, so he knew exactly how to deal with me.
“Mrs Gibson, cancel your dinner plans. You are not leaving this bed for at least 48 hours. You are in labour and yes it is too soon. We are now going to give you drugs to help slow the contractions and we are going to give your baby some steroids to help the lungs develop in time for delivery.”

I shut up after that. Hubby was on the mobile to the prayer chain and our family to let them know what was happening. I just watched in silence as people rushed about the room sticking things in my arms and my tummy. I didn't know it at the time, but I realise now that God simply took me to one side for a moment and allowed the situation to wash over me. I heard the doctor say that they wouldn't cut the stitch until baby had the full dose of steroids, to give it the best possible chance of survival. Survival? Really? Didn't they know that God was here? Didn't they know that everything was going to be alright? God’s peace was upon me and I knew everything would be OK.

God’s best move in that room was when it was time to cut the stitch  I had three doctors, three nurses and my Hubby pinning me down while a 4th doctor came at my nether regions with scissors. I remember trying to keep calm and still, but it was impossible. I had this overwhelming urge to fight and my best efforts were not enough to contain it. I called out to Abba and my flesh became calmer. I could still hear myself screaming, but I wasn't fighting anymore. I could hear my Hubby talking to me, but I couldn't hear what he was saying. I felt him stroke my hair and I saw him crying. God lifted something of me out of that situation, so I could take in what was happening, but also not feel like I was part of it. Throughout the whole experience I could hear myself screaming, but I don’t know why I was screaming because I felt very calm. To this day I still feel total peace when I think of this moment. Thank You Abba.

On the 15th December 2006 at 11:45pm, my baby boy – Toby James Gibson – was delivered by emergency c-section. He spent three long weeks in special care (which I believe was the time God was preparing me for) and we finally took him home on 3rd January 2007, two whole weeks before his actual due date.

I had never been so happy! I loved being pregnant, I loved the birth and hospital and having my son finally at home, but I couldn't help thinking “If only I’d have been a Christian sooner….” I could have prayed into everything and evangelised to the people in the hospital and they would be able to see God with their own eyes, as I had done. So my next “deal” with God was,
“If you let me have another, I’ll do it right this time!”

Within eight months of giving birth to Toby, I was pregnant again and this time I was going to do it right! As soon as I found out I was pregnant I declared anything I could think of over my child, the main items being that there would be no cerclage, I would have a natural birth and the pregnancy would last exactly 40 weeks!

Just as with Toby’s pregnancy, I was given a scan every week to check my cervix and every so often I would be told that they could see funnelling and I would need a cerclage. Whenever this happened I would go home, pray and stand firm on the declarations I had made over my unborn child. 

I also said to God that if the doctors said I needed something, I would do as the doctors asked. There was no way I was going to be “experimental” with my child’s life, so if the doctors said I needed a cerclage, I would have one. If God knew I didn't need a cerclage, then He would have to change the doctor’s mind in order not to have the cerclage. And that is exactly what God did – every time! On one occasion I even turned up with my overnight bag, expecting to have the surgery, only to find the doctors had changed their mind again, and all of a sudden I no longer needed a cerclage! How awesome is God? That He sees our hearts in such detail and cares for us in such an individual way. God saw my faith and moved the opinions of stubborn doctors (which in many ways is much harder to move than a mountain!)

My baby was born on her due date – exactly 40 weeks! 1st May 2008 at 10:45am – Zoey Ann Gibson – came into the world! It was amazing, but one of my declarations fell flat. I declared that I would have a natural birth this time, but Zoey was also c-section. God had been so amazing and I had seen Him move so many times in this pregnancy – why was the answer to this prayer “No”.

My husband was holding Zoey in his arms and the surgeon was about to close my tummy when he asked for the nurse to call my consultant and have them report directly to the operating theatre. My heart sank. My first thought was that they had found more tumours. I looked at my husband and he stroked my head. Then my consultant came in, holding the surgical mask over her face she peered into my yawning tummy. “I know why your periods are so painful now,” she said, “Your cervix has attached itself to your uterus. You would never have had a natural birth and I am not entirely sure how you managed to get pregnant in the first place!” The consultant went on to explain that this type of thing is not uncommon when surgery has taken place on the cervix and it would have happened when the cancer was first removed in 2005.
It suddenly became clear why God said “No!” to a natural birth. He wanted me to understand how much of a miracle these children really are! That only God could have made me pregnant! Twice! And in quick succession!

There were many more things that happened during these pregnancies and births – all conquered by prayer, persistence and faith in the promises of God. He is in control – He knows the beginning from the end – He also knows not only the perfect time for us to carry a child, but also the perfect time that He wants the child to be born. While we may feel spiritually, physically, emotionally, financially etc. ready to have a child, the time/place that is the most beneficial environment for the child to grow in (and to best reflect the glory of God), may be further down the road. While you await the arrival of your promise, the enemy will try and deceive you, he will try to make you hand over the promises God had given you. Stand firm! At every attempt – stand on your individual promise, given to you by God Himself. Claim that promise! Shout the truth loud and clear!

You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you, Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you.

2 Chronicles 20:17

Used Because of My Brokenness

You know that God is working things out in your heart when He gives you the strength in spite of your brokenness! It's not always easy to say to Him, here I am Lord, use me as You will, because you don't know what He will want you to do!!!

But I knew God gave me the strength I needed in Church recently, when a woman who is pregnant came to me and asked me to pray for her, as she was experiencing pain during her seventh week. Submitting to the leading of the Holy Spirit, I found I was able to pray, without crying!

It's funny how God takes our brokenness, and turns things around so that His light can shine through us. So no matter where you are at, I would encourage you to say of the Lord, "here I am, use me", then be amazed at how He chooses to work through you. Even in those situations you would never have chosen for yourself.

More Lessons From Scripture: Husbands and Wives

I love Hubby to pieces, but at the moment, he is struggling in his walk with the Lord, to the point where to even pray for me when I ask him, he doesn't feel he is in a place to do that. This makes it really difficult for me, as I read time-and-time again of Christian couples who prayed together and saw God answer their prayers for a child.

I totally believe that God wants this for Christian marriages. I fully believe that a Christ-centered marriage has a strength and a depth between a husband and wife, which other couples miss. And so for me to be in this situation - I have found this Journey for Bubba that much harder. All I would like, is for Hubby and I to pray together. 

This last Sunday, though, God spoke to me so clearly about this situation, that He has set at ease the stress and pressure I have been feeling in my heart. He is so awesome like that. For a while, because I have been praying for Hubby, and seeing only slight glimpses of the answer I desperately seek, it becomes easy to think that God isn't listening. But He sent two women to speak to me at Church - one had a vision of me seeing my prayers added to the bowl of incense which is poured out before the throne of the Lord, as described in Revelation 5:8: ...and golden bowls full of incense, which are the prayers of the saints, and Revelation 8:3-4: He was given much incense, that he should offer it with the prayers of all the saints upon the golden altar which was before the throne. And the smoke of the incense, with the prayers of the saints, ascended before God from the angel’s hand. The second lady spoke of how the Lord had placed a connection in her spirit to pray for me for breakthrough. She has offered to meet with me specifically to pray for the strongholds which are preventing the breakthrough I need, although she has no idea what these are. I immediately knew this was relating to Hubby, and also for my Journey for Bubba. 

But even before these two women spoke to me, God had already spoken His encouragement to me through my study of the women of the Bible who struggled to conceive. 

So keeping in mind the fact that I felt as though I don't have the prayerful support of Hubby, and have felt as though I was trying to stand strong and fight this battle alone... I started to remind God of how important husbands were to the "barren" women in the Bible (you know them ones when you try to tell God about His own story!):

• Sarah, as the woman married to Abraham, was told via her husband she would conceive - You, Lord, spoke to Abraham FIRST... she overheard You and laughed!
• Rebekkah conceived after her husband pleaded with You in prayer on her behalf. I don't know what she may or may not have said to him but You Lord, listened to her husband and she conceived.
• Then Elizabeth wasn't even privy to the conversation You had with her husband, Zachariah because he was in the Most Holy Place and then was struck dumb and couldn't relate any of what You, Lord, had told him! 

You see, God, do You see how important it is for the husband to be in the journey with his wife! Do You see what You have done through these marriages, because I do - I see exactly how important it is for the wife to have the spiritual support of her husband!!

Point made, rant over!!!!

The Lord, graciously and calmly, pointed me to Hannah:

• She spoke to the Lord DIRECTLY as she prayed ON HER OWN at the Temple. Elkanah was a Godly man, in that he made the annual pilgrimages to the Temple in Jerusalem when required, providing offering for himself and his family, but in response to Hannah's heart-cry, he gave her a very human - very manly - response, when he said to his wife "Am I not better to you than 10 sons" (1 Samuel:1:8). He didn't connect with her on a spiritual level, he didn't appear to have the same level of faith in God's healing power to pray and intercede on Hannah's behalf or to join Hannah when she went to the Temple to pray. Hannah had to deal with her anguish, her grief alone. She knew the only way to be heard, as she desired to have a child of her own, was to seek the Lord directly, which is when we read of the vow she made to God. She was alone in this moment. Yet the Lord was so close to her in that moment. 
• The other woman was Rachel. She was the wife of Jacob, who became the Father of twelve sons, the one whom the nation of Israel is named after. But at the time, she was barren, regardless of how much she tried to have a child, and she became human in her responses, saying to her husband, "give me a child or else I will die" (Genesis 30:1). We read of poor Rachel's plight as she watches her maid, her rival-wife-sister, her sister's maid all conceiving lots of wonderful healthy babies for her husband, Jacob. we can share her anguish as child 4, 5, 6, 8, 9, 10, 11 is born, and each time, she is still waiting, still childless, still barren. We don't know how Jacob supported his wife through this, we don't know if he interceded on her behalf. We know he got angry with her (Genesis 30:2), maybe felt helpless on her behalf? But we do know that Rachel prayed. Although we don't know the exact words she spoke, as with Hannah, we do know that God listened to HER, remembered HER and opened her womb (Genesis 30:22).

Point made, I was silenced!

There may be wives out there who don't have the full spiritual support of their husbands, not just temporarily, but on a permanent basis, as there are women who are married to non-Christian men. Be encouraged that God is as tuned in to your prayers, ad He is to the prayers of a Christian husband, or to the prayers of a husband and wife standing together in prayer. I would encourage you to ask the Lord to bring you a prayer partner who will pray with you for the child you long to conceive, because I know that there is strength in praying with someone, "...if two of you agree on earth, concerning anything they ask, it will be done for them by My Father in heaven" (Matthew 18:19). But don't lose heart that your prayers alone are in vain, because the Lord has promised to hear those who call on His name. And just as He heard the prayers of Rachel and Hannah - He hears your prayers too. Be encouraged, and don't give up. The journey isn't over yet, you are not barren, you are fruitful and one day, the Lord will bring to bear the fruit of your womb. The fruit of my womb.