Braver Than You Believe...

This being the National (In)Fertility Awareness week has led to some interesting conversations and experiences for me. The latest one at lunch time today, involves someone who doesn't know about my situation, but has probably worked it out. I mean - it's not difficult to work out, is it. I'm married, in my late 30s and childless!

So this guy is one of an army of volunteers who comes into the office where I work in order to help us accomplish the daily work we need to carry out. He will often pray for the team and arrive at the office with a word or encouragement he believes God has laid on his heart for each member of staff. I'm not always sure about the words of prophecy he gives, but the encouragement he brings is nice. 

Today, when there was a quiet moment and the rest of my colleagues were in various parts of the building, he spoke to me and said that he wasn't sure how relevant this was, but he felt God saying to him that I "was pregnant, or was to become pregnant."

I'm not. 

As #1in6, endometriosis has made what should be easy, a flippin difficult path. 

And as hubby and I are having problems - like, serious problems - the path is lonely and not even close to being productive. 

So, it doesn't even look likely to be a "soon-time" thing.

I try not to allow my "heart to harden" when I hear people saying these kinds of prophecy over me, because it is very easy to do. I would like to be as light-hearted as I once was, to freely accept when people tell me this. But pain and the long, hard, slog of this path have led me to be cautious. 

It's not because I don't have faith. 

It's become a matter of self-preservation. 

At least it will give me something to speak to my counsellor about later, when I meet for prayer ministry. Depression has led me to that place where self-preservation and faith have to somehow work themselves out in some kind of weird, harmonious, balance as I tread this path deeper into the unknown. Infertility - the path without a clear, definable end in sight. well there is, I guess... menopause. But I am a long way from that point. So for now, I have to try and find my way as best I can. 

Such is the journey of sub-fertility, as a woman after God's own heart. 

And as two different friends have reminded me, in a card and a wall-plaque they bought separately for me:

Time Travel?

Today in Church, we had a guest speaker, John Partington. He is the main leader of the AOG denomination our church is a part of, and I usually enjoy when he preaches. Not that I didn't today. But maybe because of what has been happening recently, I found it a lot more challenging today.

Today he spoke on nothing being impossible for God, and he used the example of Abraham and Sarah. When he was 99, Abraham had a visit from God to say, "Hey, Abraham, you're going to be a dad, even though Sara is 90 and you've not been able to have kids yet." Now as someone who has been TTC for a while, this is one of those "fall back" stories I like to go to... that if God can make it possible for Sarah in her 90's to have a baby, then it's not impossible for Him to create life in my 30-something body! Like seriously, I have 60 years on her!

But I know there are times in our journey when it doesn't seem like nothing is impossible, and I'm sure Sarah would have prayed and prayed and pleaded over those 90 years, to have reached the point where she thought, "This is just too difficult, even for God to do."

John said something like, "God always hears our prayers" and my internal dialogue replied to him, "Except when He doesn't" because let's be real there are times when anyone of us can feel that not quite everything is possible for God. It seems like we have flummoxed God with what we are asking Him for.... or maybe that our voice has become lost in the bigger problems of the world we live in. I can understand why Sarah laughed when she heard she was going to have a baby. Especially if she had gone through menopause and had forgotten about wanting to be a mother after all those years.... How long did women remain fertile for back in the day??? Especially as women married much younger then than we do today.

But, as I reflect on this, and it ties in significantly with the Woman to Woman conference I attended last weekend (read more here), I have to find peace in the conclusion, that in spite of how I feel about not having a Baby yet, in spite of how things look, in spite of how many times I pray, God is the only One I can really trust with my life and the road He has me on. I'm not dead yet, which means He still has a plan for my life. And although I feel as though He has forgotten about me, or isn't listening to me, or I have suddenly created this impossible scenario (for God?? Really?? Do I think I am THAT grandiose??? To create an impossibility for the Creator of the world, and of my little life???), that somewhere in it all, I can find peace that God is working things out around me. 

I love to ask questions, and one of the "silly" questions which often gets put "out there" is, "What superpower would you most like to have. I would love to travel through time. I would love to go back in time to the newly-wed Sarah who was watching her friends and sisters having children, and wrestling with why she wasn't having the baby she should be able to conceive, and reassure her, "Hey, Sarah, it's OK.... when you're 90, you're going to be a mum." But it probably wouldn't have been much comfort to the young 20 year old girl. She might have laughed then.... a woman in her nineties becoming a mother..... That's a tabloid headline!! In the same way, I'd also like to travel forward in my own life and find out what happens five years from now, ten years from now. Do I have children? Does God have something else planned?? Does it get any easier to handle???

But I can't travel through time, so I have to keep focussed on the One Who is above and beyond time, and know that whatever happens, He is right with me, reassuring me, and speaking His words of life into my heart. So maybe.... nothing is impossible for God, even changing my heart to line up with His plan for me.


Father God, I'm sorry for when I doubt You, or doubt what You say in Your Word. It's hard to believe when I sometimes expect You to answer my prayers in my way at my time. I don't mean to try to lead You, I need to allow You to lead me. Help me when I start to try to walk in front of You, but Lord.... help me when I am afraid to lean on You and know You are by my side, even if things don't seem to be going my way. In Jesus' name.

Putting My Faith in Your Plans

In the service this evening, at my Church,we sang a song which contains the lines,

"I put my life in Your hands I put my faith in Your plans"

When you reach the place when your empty womb and empty arms create such a deep longing and ache in your heart, where your dreams and heart-desire remains hidden from you - to stand and sing this line takes guts.

I don't mean that kind of blind singing which we often do just to follow the rest of the congregation. No. I mean to sing the words, knowing that you actually do mean them, even though it feels as though saying them rips something from your heart.

Is this what Jesus means by 'a sacrifice of praise'???

I can feel safe knowing my life is in God's hands. This is the safest place to be right now.

But the second bit is harder... Putting my faith in God's plans at the risk of my own plans and desires not being fulfilled. To really believe God has my best in His intentions. To allow faith to carry beyond the tears into His presence with boldness and security.

Father, help me to really know I can put my faith in Your plans, knowing that You will make all things right, according to what You are trying to do in me and through me. In Jesus' name.

Becoming Defensive

The thing is with hopelessness, is that it causes you to become defense. Well, that's what I have been finding, anyway.

Since learning that I am not able to have any kind of treatment to help me conceive, there's been a sense of denial within me. Not that I would ever verbalise what I think, but I can't help but become defensive. Like when someone said to me a few weeks ago, "You'd make a great mum", my thoughts were like, "No I wouldn't, I'd be terrible - I'm too selfish and hate mornings. No wonder I haven't been able to conceive." Or like when I was holding a friend's new born, and her step-dad said, "suits you", I was thinking, "Only because I can give her back, I couldn't do this all the time." Or when I see the stories on Jeremy Kyle where there are mothers who put themselves first, and don't like to make sacrifices for their children, I start to think, "I'd probably be exactly the same, which is why I've not been allowed to have a baby yet." Or when I'm out with friends who have to curtail their outing to get back to pick up the kids from school/relieve the babysitter/look after a poorly child, I start to think, "I'm so glad I haven't got to do that, I can just relax, maybe get another coffee. My life is at my pace, no one else's".

Maybe I'm the only one who thinks like this. Maybe I'm not.
I'm just gonna be real about how I feel! And as I've said before, this is not an easy journey.

Deep down, I know that none of the above is true, but it seems that my emotions have taken on this tack in order to try and make some sense of the situation. Or lack of a situation. Having studied Psychology up to a degree level, I know that these thoughts and reactions are actually just defense mechanisms my psyche has kicked in.

I don't like it, really.

But it's harder to go around pretending everything is OK when it isn't, and masking over my emotions altogether.

I don't want to beat myself up, or dismiss some of the kind things people say, but then I also can't linger in sadness and depression at the unfairness of this journey either! It's hard to know how to handle things, like the guy who said "suits you". He has no idea of the journey I'm on, so his remark to him was just a throw away comment, but in the past, when that has been said to me, it has caused me to break down and run to the toilet sobbing. I can understand, therefore, why my brain has worked out this defense mechanism in order to handle things like that.

I don't know if it's 'right' in God's eyes. I'm not sure what these thoughts 'say' to God, or how they affect my level of faith in this journey. I honestly don't. But can I beat myself up about that too?? For now, this is what has been decided on a subconscious level, and I hope that somehow, through it all, the Holy Spirit will move into the defensive thinking, and pour out His oil of comfort on the hurt and sadness I know has been building up inside over the last couple of years. If the defense system is destroying TRUE FAITH, then I pray that God will teach me a new way of handling things, from the subconscious level out.

Lord, If You Are Willing...?

I am reading through the Gospels in preparation for a teaching I will be giving on "The Attitude of Christ" at the end of the week. Even when we think we are reading the Bible with one purpose in mind, the Holy Spirit can speak to us about something we weren't expecting, which is what has happened! In case you can relate, let me share what has been whispered into my spirit.

Matthew 8:2
...a leper came and worshipped Him, saying, "Lord, if You are willing, You can make me clean."

I'm not likening my situation with leprosy, but the attitude of the one who approaches Jesus. When I come to Jesus and ask Him for healing, I know He can, "You can make me clean". This is the faith element which urges me to pray for my body to be healed so I can conceive a healthy Bubba, carry the baby to full term and receive the gift of a child. I know that I know God can heal my body. I have no doubt in this regard. After-all, He is Creator of life itself!

And I'm sure many of you would agree with this.

But, what I have just realised, is that like the leper who approaches Jesus, I am not sure if Jesus is willing to heal me: "Lord, if you are willing..."

There have been times when I pray for this one specific desire of my heart for Bubba, that I have become hesitant in my expectation that Jesus might be even willing to reach into my situation and touch my body with His hand of healing. This is different from doubt, doubt is the unbelief in Jesus' ability to heal. This is something else. I'm not sure what it is, but I know it's different.

Maybe this has arisen over the years of my unfulfilled dream for motherhood? Maybe it stems from how I perceive God sees me - after-all, we have all sinned and fallen short of His standard, from the beginning of creation? Maybe it stems from a sense of unworthiness and lack of confidence that I would be worthy of God being willing to answer this one particular prayer?

The leper would have received the message from society that he wasn't worth being a part of society. He was an outcast. He was unclean. He had to ring a bell to warn people if he was walking by. This may have caused him to approach Jesus with the sense of uncertainty that He was worth being touched by the Messiah. Not that I have received this same message.

But the fact remains... "Lord, if You are willing, I know You can heal me; but what I don't know, is if you actually want to."

Like a Slap in the Face

Don't you just hate it, when you're just doing life, minding your own business, when suddenly the grief of the struggle to conceive slaps you in the face... usually at the most awkward moments... or is it just me!

Hubby and I had taken my Stepson out for the day over the weekend. We thought it would be fun to visit a local farm attraction, and it was! We had so much fun together. But literally about an hour after lunch, I suddenly had this huge overwhelming desire to burst into tears. As I looked around me I was literally surrounded by families with babies and toddlers - some of the kids resembling so strongly their mum or dad. I looked at Hubby and his boy, and there is absolutely no denying they are father and son.

I wondered what my own Bubba would be like, whether he or she would resemble me physically or in character. I then wondered how much fun my Bubba would have and how I would be able to talk to my Bubba about the animals, and of how God created them. We could have petted them together, fed them together and done the things I saw mum's doing with their precious little ones. And what Hubby was doing with his son. I could have shared in a more intimate way, the excitement of my Bubba as a lovebird landed on his or her hand, the exuberance of whizzing down the bumpy slide, the joy at watching the meerkats playing together, the laughter as he or she tried to stroke one of the pesky chickens... as a step parent, I really felt outside the "family bond" which I was supposed to be a part of.

The impact of this came up so suddenly, without warning, without me actively thinking along those lines, and the accompanying grief was immense. Unexpected in the middle of a brilliant day trip. It was all I could do to hold back the tears, right there in the middle of muddy puddles, in my wellies, surrounded by all these families on the farm.

Hubby was brilliant. He sensed almost as soon as I was aware of my emotional state, what was happening within me. He didn't tell me to "pull myself together" or to "just enjoy the day for what it is" or to "forget about our struggles", he understood that this was suddenly a lot harder than it should have been as a day out together. He held me. He comforted me. He was there for me. He understood.

On the drive home, when Hubby and his son were asleep in the car (both in exactly the same position, head back, mouth open), I finally afforded myself the luxury of the tears which had built up so suddenly. They flowed like streams of grief down my cheeks, my heart ached with the emptiness of my empty arms, my broken body, my unfulfilled womb. The grief allowed to leave my heart, leave my soul and come out into the open. Sometimes, we need to allow ourselves to let it go.

This Journey for Bubba is hard work, and pretending otherwise is to deny the depths of the longing for our own child. Trusting God will work in my impossible situation doesn't mean there won' be times it hurts. Faith is believing God can and will work in this Journey, and until He does, I will work through the days like this when my mind gives me an unexpected slap in the face.

Crisis of Faith!

The night before I was due to start taking the Fertility Treatment, I suddenly had a crisis of faith! I suddenly wondered if by taking this Fertility Drug Course I was somehow demonstrating a lack of faith in God. I mean, what Sarah or Hannah have taken them?? What God have fulfilled the promise He gave Abraham if Sarah had conceived with the help of medical intervention?? What am I saying to God by taking these pills??

I tried to talk to Hubby, but he wasn't really in the right frame of mind for a deep theological discussion at 1am. It is my decision, and he said he will support me, no matter what I decided to do.

Was my desire for a child bigger than my desire to be in God's will. I mean, what if I take them and nothing happens anyway? Have I wasted my time? Have I ingested these pills with their chemicals for no purpose?

As I tried to fall asleep, I listened to the Bible podcast - and the reading for that day was from James. James challenges his readers about faith and correlating works. Without works faith is dead. Am I demonstrating faith then by taking the pills? Is this the Lord's way of letting me know it is OK to take the Fertility Drug Treatment?

Sometimes it would be lovely if God would hold out a massive neon sign with flashing lights to say "This is the way you should go, walk in it"!!! But He doesn't. He allows us to listen to Him, and through the leading of the Holy Spirit to find that place of peace within His will. For me, I had already decided I didn't want to "play God" in my desire for Bubba, I wanted to leave thing in His hands, and all the pills will be doing is stimulating the eggs to develop more frequently so that they can travel out of the healthy tube rather than becoming stuck in the blocked tube. This isn't playing God. It's not like I am removing an egg and choosing a sperm for it to hook up with. I am allowing my body to be manipulated in the hope that God will grant me the desire of my heart.

When I woke up, I resolved to ask my colleague - she is one of the women God has placed around me to support me in my Journey for Bubba. Her response to me was:

I think God uses all sorts of things to answer our prayers – when the fertility drugs work, you won’t ring the drug company to thank them, will you! you’ll thank God (as will I!). God is the only One Who can create a baby – and sometimes He uses man’s scientific ability to do it.

So, when I arrived home from work, I opened the packaging and removed the first beige-coloured pill which may or may not enable me to release more eggs from the ovary. Whether it becomes fertilized or not, is still in the hands of the Lord - it is Him I continue to place my trust in. God won't be manipulated, even if my body can be! And if I don't conceive as a result of this course of Clomid, well I know that God is more than able to grant me Bubba when the time is right according to His plan for me and Hubby.