I tried to talk to Hubby, but he wasn't really in the right frame of mind for a deep theological discussion at 1am. It is my decision, and he said he will support me, no matter what I decided to do.
Was my desire for a child bigger than my desire to be in God's will. I mean, what if I take them and nothing happens anyway? Have I wasted my time? Have I ingested these pills with their chemicals for no purpose?
As I tried to fall asleep, I listened to the Bible podcast - and the reading for that day was from James. James challenges his readers about faith and correlating works. Without works faith is dead. Am I demonstrating faith then by taking the pills? Is this the Lord's way of letting me know it is OK to take the Fertility Drug Treatment?
Sometimes it would be lovely if God would hold out a massive neon sign with flashing lights to say "This is the way you should go, walk in it"!!! But He doesn't. He allows us to listen to Him, and through the leading of the Holy Spirit to find that place of peace within His will. For me, I had already decided I didn't want to "play God" in my desire for Bubba, I wanted to leave thing in His hands, and all the pills will be doing is stimulating the eggs to develop more frequently so that they can travel out of the healthy tube rather than becoming stuck in the blocked tube. This isn't playing God. It's not like I am removing an egg and choosing a sperm for it to hook up with. I am allowing my body to be manipulated in the hope that God will grant me the desire of my heart.
When I woke up, I resolved to ask my colleague - she is one of the women God has placed around me to support me in my Journey for Bubba. Her response to me was:
So, when I arrived home from work, I opened the packaging and removed the first beige-coloured pill which may or may not enable me to release more eggs from the ovary. Whether it becomes fertilized or not, is still in the hands of the Lord - it is Him I continue to place my trust in. God won't be manipulated, even if my body can be! And if I don't conceive as a result of this course of Clomid, well I know that God is more than able to grant me Bubba when the time is right according to His plan for me and Hubby.