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Hi. Welcome to my "taboo" blog. My name is Steph, and when I first started this, I was still in my thirties. In 2017, I switch decades! I am a Christian, so underlying everything I do and say is the Word of God, and the foundational truths I have learnt over the years. This doesn't mean I'm perfect - I am human. It just means I recognise I need God's help to live this life and try to live out His way, as best I can. So that's me in a nutshell. Thanks for taking the time to read through my blog, I hope you draw strength, hope or encouragement from what you read.

Thursday, March 14, 2013

End of the Fertility Drug Road :-(

I don't know what it is about going to the Fertility Clinic, but there's like an overwhelming desire to make sure I'm fuzz free and smelling fabulous.... just in case I get examined! I think I was always brought up to make sure I was presentable when going to see the Doctor, but this is intensified 200 times over! Even when it isn't necessary!

I arrived at the Fertility Clinic for my "emergency" scheduled appointment following the allergic reaction to Clomid. They were running really late so I was really glad my Sis-in-law was with me. She'd brought my nephew along because he has tonsillitis at the moment, and sat on the floor drawing while me and my Sis-in-law chatted about what might happen.

Then my name was called and we three trundled in. The Consultant was a different one to the ones I have seen before - a woman... what a relief! Even if she didn't know my story, it was such a relief to be able to speak to a female consultant about fertility stuff, it made such a difference to me. It felt more "natural" in a weird girlie-chat-kind-of-a-way! And it made it slightly easier to hear as she dropped the bomb.

The ingredient in Clomid is the same ingredient in all other fertility meds. So based on the severe reaction I had, there's no point in putting me on any of the others.

The end of the Fertility Drug Treatment road...

She asked if I would consider IVF, but I told her I wasn't eligible for it because Hubby has a son from a previous relationship. I could see her face drop as she realised she was telling me the options open to me were VERY VERY limited now!

"That means the only option we have open to us, is that we will need to do a Laparoscopic Salpingostomy."

As she explained the process involved in the surgery, as she talked through the pre-op tests which will have to be done, and the 3 or 4 cuts they will have to make in my belly, all I could think of was the fact that this was the last-ditch attempt at man's intervention into my infertility journey. After the Laparoscopic Salpingostomy, the only way I will be able to conceive, the only time Bubba will come is when God decides - when He determines!

Humanity is kind of limited in that way!

The end of the Fertility Drug Treatment road... But NOT The end of my Journey for Bubba! 
It wasn't until later, when I was sat at home on my own (as Hubby is away) that I suddenly thought that maybe... just maybe... God is stripping away all the man-made options, in order to show Himself STRONG in my situation. After-all, He is the Creator of life - it is He who determines who we are to be and when we are to live in which generation. Personally, I'm not sure what difference  couple of years makes, but God knows the exact time He wants Bubba to live in. And I firmly believe that in stripping away all the Fertility Treatment options available to me, He is saying to me that He is fully in control of Bubba's life - before he or she even arrives.

Not that this made the news any easier to hear!
Not that this thought process didn't stop me from bursting into tears when I finished work and was safely at home!
Not that this revelation makes my Journey for Bubba easier to deal with!

Sometimes, I would love to have that audible conversation with God and ask Him exactly when He will allow Bubba into my life. Or to ask Him what the hold-up is. But I'm not like Moses in that respect where I can have face-to-face discussions. But I do know the Lord is upholding me in spite of the shutting of one door, and He will open the right door at the right time. This is trust. This is believe. This is my faith at this moment.

Father God, I know that You will form the inward parts of Bubba when You choose to cover Him in my womb. When that happens Hubby and I will praise You for Bubba will be fearfully, skillfully, perfectly and wonderfully made - Marvellous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well. Bubba's frame is not hidden from You, Your eyes behold him or her in his or her substance, the life You have planned for Bubba as yet being unwritten on earth, unformed in the physical, You have written every single day in Your book, all Bubba's days have been fashioned by You, even though they are not yet known. You have chosen Bubba to be a voice for You, for Your kingdom in the generation You have chosen him or her to live amongst. In Your time, You will open the door revealing Bubba to his daddy and me. And that my soul knows very well. My soul knows very well. 

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