Abba's Arms

I'm glad that a time will come when we can run into the arms of our Heavenly Father. Because when that day arrives, I just want to run into His arms and cry out to Him, "Abba, why did it take so long? Why for some women does having a baby happen so quickly, so easily; but for others it takes so long and involves so much heartache and sorrow?"

I know that as He answers, He will wipe away my tears, heal the ache in my heart and remove the painful memory of each month's lost potential.  

The Faith Cycle

I don't know about you, but there are times when my faith-level seems to be a bit like my monthly cycle. I'm specifically talking about this Journey for Bubba, because for almost everything else, there seems to be a consistency in the level of faith I have - particularly when it comes to praying for others!

But like my monthly cycle - there are days when I am full of faith, and there are days when my faithful resolve has weakened somewhat. I may have noticed a pattern too.... Before ovulation - faith levels are up there in the heavens... around the due date of Aunt Flo's arrival - there is a sudden and dramatic dip... or plummet, depending on the symptoms I start to experience!

It's quite exhausting, actually, but this is the cycle my body and my spirit seem to have fallen into step with! The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak!

So with this in mind i was struck by this particular incident of healing in Matthew's account of Jesus' life:

Matthew 9: 28:29: ...And Jesus said to them, “Do you believe that I am able to do this?” They said to Him, “Yes, Lord.” Then He touched their eyes, saying, “According to your faith let it be to you.” 

If Jesus had asked me at the wrong time of the month this particular question, and healed me "according to my faith" ... ooeerr missus! That's quite a scary thought that Jesus would sometimes limit Himself to the faith of the person He is healing! I had a conversation with someone just yesterday who thought she had to have people to pray for her, in order to be healed by God, until I explained that it's not about the person praying, it's about the God who hears, answers and heals. 


I've always believed that, and yet here we have a journey of healing. Firstly, two blind blokes are following Jesus, asking Him to have mercy on them. Then when Jesus entered a particular house (don't know who's house it was, but they obviously had an open door policy!), these two blokes followed them in. This is quite an incredible thing to do... It can't have been easy for two blind guys to follow someone they couldn't see into unknown areas and entering into a house they had never been to before... and who knows how long they had been following Jesus? Matthew's account doesn't give us any indication of the length of time Jesus walked from one place to the other, it could have taken days, definitely hours... I went to Israel last year, and we went to the Galilee area where Jesus lived The region is mountainous... it's not a level footpath where the blind men would have been walking... it is rocky, dusty, had they been available, hiking boots with the little spikes would have been required as they'd have trekked through the cities of Galilee. 

Some of us may have been walking this type of Journey for Bubba in a spiritual sense. following Jesus wherever He leads us, sometimes our journeys are up and down... like a mountain. Crying out to Jesus in the hope He will hear us, "Have mercy on me, Jesus. Have mercy and hear the cries of my heart". 

To us, it would seem obvious what we need from the Lord. Just as it would seem obvious to those around that these two blind blokes would have a level of faith which says they believe Jesus is able to heal them, based on the fact that they had followed Him like this.

But Jesus asks them what would appear to be a superfluous question. He says, "Do you believe I am able to do this?" I'd be like, "Err... hello, isn't it obvious??? I can't see where I am going, but I followed you all this time... I saw and heard you raising that little girl to life when she was technically dead, I heard about that woman who touched your coat and was healed... do I believe you can do the same for me????"

But actually... Do I believe God is able to heal me. I don't have a problem with Him healing others... but do I believe He can bring healing in my body, in my situation??


And this is the question I leave us with... You may have following Jesus for years... you may not have been with Him for that long. You may have felt like your walk with Him has been rough and mountainous, rather than the smooth path you were hoping for - or believe you see others walking. You may have been crying out to God for most of your Journey, "Lord have mercy on me!" But now that Jesus turns His attention to you, and asks you "Do you believe that I am able to do this?" Be prepared to answer Him, for He may just respond, "according to your faith, let it be to you."


Father God, I believe You are able, I believe You are willing. But I know that there are times when I hold myself back because I think why would You for me, when there are so many others who have a greater need. Lord, I ask that you would increase my faith that You will, to match the understanding I have that You can. I pray that across this whole situation of others who are TTC, that You would increase faith, so we will be able to respond to Your question with great faith. Lord, I pray You would bring a consistency in how much I believe You can, and take me off the roller-coaster of up down faith which has followed my monthly cycle, bringing a level which will uphold me when times are tough. "Lord, I believe, help my unbelief" (Mark 9:24).

Lord, If You Are Willing...

Matthew 8:2-3 NLT Suddenly, a man with leprosy approached him and knelt before him. “Lord,” the man said, “if you are willing, you can heal me and make me clean.”Jesus reached out and touched him. “I am willing,” he said. “Be healed!” And instantly the leprosy disappeared.

I may not have leprosy, but I'd still like to say to Jesus, if You are willing, You can heal me. His Word tells us that if we ask anything in His name, we will receive. For me, right now as one cycle ends and a new one begins, I ask Him for healing in my body so that it can do what it's supposed to do... Bear a child!

Sometimes, it's hard to understand exactly what God's will is in this Journey For Bubba, and that clause if You are willing, is a bit cowardly really. Of course He is willing, He created a woman's body for children. Why would He not be willing if it's in His design from the outset! By adding in that clause it seems to offer a way out in the future... Should (please Lord let this never be so) I not conceive my Bubba.

The second part, You can heal me, is a very definite statement of faith. Jesus can heal me. He can heal my conception difficulties. He is God. He sustains life, so I know for sure He can heal me. When??? Well, that's the hard bit. Rarely do we get a time-frame from the Lord of when He will act on our behalf. Our proviso is just to rest in the knowledge that He will.

And therein lies the difficulty. Resting in the knowledge that God works all things out according to His will and purposes. I would have loved an 'and instantly' moment, such as this man enjoyed. It would have been easier to cope with. Until the time comes when I can announce I am healed, I stand in faith that Jesus has said "Be healed".

Facing Infertility Head-On - Next Step Decided

As much as I want to just bury my head in the sand in the hope that God will make it all go away, so I don't have to deal with "it", I've reached the place where I know He won't. I have to deal with "it". It won't just go away. Although I don't feel strong enough, I know that the Lord will be with Hubby and me EVERY step of the way. Because the last 17 months have shown me He has been with me already. He has comforted me during those moments when it's become too much to bear. 

"It". Infertility. 

The name for the difficulties women like me face, if we don't conceive within a certain length of time. 

When I last spoke with the Consultant, the week before Christmas, he left me with a decision to make about our next step. I've already outlined the three options which had been presented to me (click on the links to read more, if you want to know more):

• IVF
• Surgery to clear the blocked tube
• Fertility Drugs

The way he had presented the options to me, made it seem as though I would have to go through the surgery, in order for the drug treatment to work. But I really didn't feel comfortable about having surgery - especially if I don't need to have it. 

So with this in mind, I contacted my consultant to find out if it would be possible to have the fertility drugs first and then keep the surgery option as a back-up. I would rather not have had to make any decision at all, to be perfectly honest, but like I said, burying my head in the sand isn't an option anymore. I kinda did one of those "prayers" before hearing from the consultant that God would help me be at peace with the decision I made, but that if I could avoid the surgery, I would really appreciate it. 

It took a lot to just pray that, at New Year, I normally spend some time thanking God for the past year and praying for the year ahead, but this year, all I could bring myself to write in my journal was the fact I had nothing to say at that time. The desire for a child threatened to over-shadow my desire for a closer relationship with the Lord, no matter how many times I tell myself, "God is in control" or, "I trust God with every area of my life"!

I really appreciate that God loves me, and knows how to bring reassurance and peace into my heart, so when the consultant's secretary called me back with the answer I wanted to hear, I felt so at peace with the next step I would be taking. I don't have to have the surgery straight away, I can try a course of the fertility drug first. This is such a relief to me, as I know God heard my heart's desire to try to have Bubba in as natural a way as possible - having the surgery would have felt more like an invasive intervention than just taking a few pills... in my head it does!

So, the next step has been decided and confirmed. There is just one test outstanding before we can start the course, which is Hubby's department, not mine - for a change! And then the Journey For Bubba moves forward to the next step. Whatever the outcome, I know God is with me, upholding me and strengthening me at every point. I have no doubt there will be some tough heart-aches and tears while we are on this next step, but in the Lord, there will also be joy and laughter in this season. Finding the balance between faith and practical progress is tough sometimes, but honestly, I hope Bubba is conceived during this next phase, but if he or she isn't, "it is well with my soul".

I Believe You're My Healer

A few weeks ago, I was asked to sing the song "Healer" which Kari Jobe did a beautiful version of. It was at a women's conference following the testimony of a friend of mine who'd been healed from cancer after a visit from one of the Lord's servant during the night.

So right in the middle of the tests I've been having I sang, from my heart, with my hand on my belly, as if it was just me and Jesus:

"You hold my every moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through the fire
And heal all my disease

I trust in You
Lord I trust in You

I believe You're my Healer
I believe You are all I need
Oh yes You are, yes You are Lord
I believe You're my portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus You're all I need"

No matter what we face, we can be assured of Jesus's presence with us.
For hubby and I, knowing Jesus is right there walking us through our difficult journey, means we can say with confidence, "I trust in You Lord, You're all I need".