An Abrupt End To The Clomid Road

So.. here I am in a "crash and burn" situation. What do you do when something you have been prescribed to help you have a baby and before the end of the first cycle, you hit a wall before you've even had a chance to see if it will work???

I started to take the Clomid on day two of my cycle, let me run down how it went for me:
* So on day one of the Fertility Treatment, there were no side effects - not even any of the frequently reported effects like hot flushes or mood swings.
* On day two, there was a slight tickle in my throat about an hour after taking it. I was having dinner - a home made curry - with my brother's family, so didn't really think much of it at the time.
* On day three now, I was on my own as Hubby was at work, and about an hour after taking the Clomid pill, I had a tightening in my throat, worse than the day before, a tightening in my chest, difficulty in breathing and I was wheezing. I called my Mother as I was a little bit panicky and she calmed me down while I had half a puff on an inhaler to open my airways and reduce the tightening in my chest and stood in the (very cold and rainy) doorway of the conservatory trying to get some fresh air to help me catch my breath. When I finished the call to my Mother, I texted two of my three Fertility Friends (I'd not had the chance to tell the third friend I had started the Fertility Drug treatment yet) and asked them to pray for me urgently.

OK, so this is obviously quite extreme...!

On the helpful information flyer which comes with the box of pills, the first "side effect" it states is "an allergic reaction to the Clomiphene symptoms include: swelling of the throat, difficulty breathing, tightening in the chest" etc... The recommendation for this is to stop taking the medication (too late because that one pill is already in my system and I can't get it out!!), and to speak to a doctor / go to the hospital as soon as possible. Having access to the inhaler helped, so I didn't bother going to the hospital - I would have done had I felt worse or if there was other stuff going on. I'm obviously NOT a doctor, so if you ever have a severe allergic reaction - SEEK MEDICAL ADVICE.

I called the Doctor and he advised me to stop taking the Clomid, and checked if I had any of the other symptoms, such as a rash. Fortunately, I didn't. He suggested I speak to the consultant directly, as he was unfamiliar with alternative Fertility Drugs to Clomid.

So I called the Consultant's office, and spoke with the lady on Reception - she was really lovely and asked if I was OK following the allergic reaction. She immediately booked me in to speak with the Consultant the next time he is in Clinic. So I have an appointment for next week.

It's really weird because I am so "Mrs Average" I never react to anything. So to have reacted to Clomid like this is a new thing for me. What happened to me is one of the things they list "just in case" - it's not one of the usual side affects of Clomid, unlike mood swings and hot flushes!

My concern, now, is two-fold, what affect will the three pills have on my body this cycle, if any?? And what alternative Fertility Drugs are there for me... it seemed as though EVERYONE in the forums and fertility chat rooms are on Clomid... and what affect will these alternatives have on me if I have already had an allergic reaction to the Clomid... do they contain the same ingredients? Do they do the same thing? Will my body have the same reaction?

Another cycle gone, another month passed... another opportunity for Bubba wasted??

My life is in God's hands.

Crisis of Faith!

The night before I was due to start taking the Fertility Treatment, I suddenly had a crisis of faith! I suddenly wondered if by taking this Fertility Drug Course I was somehow demonstrating a lack of faith in God. I mean, what Sarah or Hannah have taken them?? What God have fulfilled the promise He gave Abraham if Sarah had conceived with the help of medical intervention?? What am I saying to God by taking these pills??

I tried to talk to Hubby, but he wasn't really in the right frame of mind for a deep theological discussion at 1am. It is my decision, and he said he will support me, no matter what I decided to do.

Was my desire for a child bigger than my desire to be in God's will. I mean, what if I take them and nothing happens anyway? Have I wasted my time? Have I ingested these pills with their chemicals for no purpose?

As I tried to fall asleep, I listened to the Bible podcast - and the reading for that day was from James. James challenges his readers about faith and correlating works. Without works faith is dead. Am I demonstrating faith then by taking the pills? Is this the Lord's way of letting me know it is OK to take the Fertility Drug Treatment?

Sometimes it would be lovely if God would hold out a massive neon sign with flashing lights to say "This is the way you should go, walk in it"!!! But He doesn't. He allows us to listen to Him, and through the leading of the Holy Spirit to find that place of peace within His will. For me, I had already decided I didn't want to "play God" in my desire for Bubba, I wanted to leave thing in His hands, and all the pills will be doing is stimulating the eggs to develop more frequently so that they can travel out of the healthy tube rather than becoming stuck in the blocked tube. This isn't playing God. It's not like I am removing an egg and choosing a sperm for it to hook up with. I am allowing my body to be manipulated in the hope that God will grant me the desire of my heart.

When I woke up, I resolved to ask my colleague - she is one of the women God has placed around me to support me in my Journey for Bubba. Her response to me was:

I think God uses all sorts of things to answer our prayers – when the fertility drugs work, you won’t ring the drug company to thank them, will you! you’ll thank God (as will I!). God is the only One Who can create a baby – and sometimes He uses man’s scientific ability to do it.

So, when I arrived home from work, I opened the packaging and removed the first beige-coloured pill which may or may not enable me to release more eggs from the ovary. Whether it becomes fertilized or not, is still in the hands of the Lord - it is Him I continue to place my trust in. God won't be manipulated, even if my body can be! And if I don't conceive as a result of this course of Clomid, well I know that God is more than able to grant me Bubba when the time is right according to His plan for me and Hubby.

Fertility Drug Treatment

The prescription arrived in this morning's post. The next stage. The Fertility Drug Treatment. The reality has now become that if I want Bubba, I'm going to have to rely on chemical help because part of the wonderful system God created, for one reason or another, is not working to it's fullest potential. One side of my reproductive system is blocked, so the course of fertility drugs are meant to stimulate ovulation from the good side in order to give me a normal chance of conceiving, instead of the 50% chance I've had so far.

Holding this small box of pills in my hand is weird. It's hope twinged with the sadness that so far, Hubby and I have not been able to succeed naturally. So for the next six months, I have to take these pills. One a day between days 2 and 6 of each cycle - until the miracle of life happens for us.

Reading through the list of side-effects was pretty concerning though. There are more listed than on that sheet of paper I had received from the Consultant in the initial discussion about what my next step should be. From mood swings and allergic reactions. From blurred vision to increased pains as a result of the endometriosis worsening. From the risk of faints or fits, to skin conditions or speech problems. From the risk of multiple conception to more risk of an ectopic pregnancy (I'm already at risk of this because of the blocked Fallopian tube). I know that not every pregnancy is without it's own risk, but what if these pills - the chemicals I am putting into my system in the hope that more eggs are stimulated toward ovulation - what if these chemicals get into the eggs, and have an affect on my Bubba???

All the research I can find on the internet has show that the only affect Clomid  has had on women taking it in the hope of becoming pregnant was the increased risk of a multiple pregnancy - and none of these babies were adversely affected by the drug. There have been studies of women who took Clomid while they were pregnant (not sure why they would need to do that!), and this had a damaging affect on their baby. This means I personally will want to pay even more attention - as if that was possible - to my cycle and what is happening in my body. I don't want to cause any kind of damage to Bubba when he or she arrives, as a result of the fertility drug treatment I am taking.

I remotely "asked" an online doctor, you know like on those websites where you get the picture of a friendly Doctor or Nurse to whom you can send a question?? I asked if Clomid can affect a baby who is conceived as a result of taking Clomid... the Doctor's reply four minutes later was a simple, direct, straight-forward... "no".

Suddenly the enormity of what I am about to embark on hits me, and the longer the course progresses the less the likelihood of conceiving through the fertility drug treatment. That's the ironic thing! It's not a case of the more I take it, the more opportunity I have it will work. It scares me to think that this might not work, and I'd have subjected my body to this for nothing. It's hard enough knowing my body is not working as well as it should, but to know that even chemicals can't help - what a nightmare. I would have to move on to step 3 - surgery - which I really really do not want to do.

In an ideal world, I would have conceived naturally a long time a go, and would be about to pop my first pill, but this is the path the Lord has chosen for me, for whatever reason. As hard as it is to understand, I know that I know beyond any shadow of a doubt that He is with me, because His word promised that He would never leave me. So I commit this next stage to You Lord God - You who is the creator of all life - with or without help. I pray for protection over Bubba if he or she is conceived as a result of this course of Fertility treatment, that His hand will cover and protect the unborn child from harm from the chemicals, I pray against any birth defects or adverse damage which could seep into the egg/s being stimulated, and I pray that Bubba will develop into a healthy baby, and into a healthy child - with NO disorders, NO problems, NO birth defects in Jesus name. I pray Lord, that the chemicals I am about to put into my system would have NO side-effects on me either. I pray that I would not experience anything which is written on that list - no nothing Lord. I pray Your hand of protection over me, and over my relationship with Hubby. In Jesus name.

As the Pharmacist handed over the package containing my box of Clomid to me, she smiled at me and said, "I hope it works for you." This was a touching act from her. She could have ignored it, but she acknowledged what I was receiving and what I was going through. I found that really encouraging. If you, like me are about to embark on the next stage of your own fertility journey, I pray the Lord grants you success, as pray He will grant me success too. His timing is prefect, even when it doesn't seem like it.