...a leper came and worshipped Him, saying, "Lord, if You are willing, You can make me clean."
I'm not likening my situation with leprosy, but the attitude of the one who approaches Jesus. When I come to Jesus and ask Him for healing, I know He can, "You can make me clean". This is the faith element which urges me to pray for my body to be healed so I can conceive a healthy Bubba, carry the baby to full term and receive the gift of a child. I know that I know God can heal my body. I have no doubt in this regard. After-all, He is Creator of life itself!
And I'm sure many of you would agree with this.
But, what I have just realised, is that like the leper who approaches Jesus, I am not sure if Jesus is willing to heal me: "Lord, if you are willing..."
There have been times when I pray for this one specific desire of my heart for Bubba, that I have become hesitant in my expectation that Jesus might be even willing to reach into my situation and touch my body with His hand of healing. This is different from doubt, doubt is the unbelief in Jesus' ability to heal. This is something else. I'm not sure what it is, but I know it's different.
Maybe this has arisen over the years of my unfulfilled dream for motherhood? Maybe it stems from how I perceive God sees me - after-all, we have all sinned and fallen short of His standard, from the beginning of creation? Maybe it stems from a sense of unworthiness and lack of confidence that I would be worthy of God being willing to answer this one particular prayer?
The leper would have received the message from society that he wasn't worth being a part of society. He was an outcast. He was unclean. He had to ring a bell to warn people if he was walking by. This may have caused him to approach Jesus with the sense of uncertainty that He was worth being touched by the Messiah. Not that I have received this same message.
But the fact remains... "Lord, if You are willing, I know You can heal me; but what I don't know, is if you actually want to."