Three days till Aunt Flo is due, and I actually tried to communicate with Hubby what I'm thinking. Not sure he really quite gets it though, as his immediate response was, "You can't keep torturing yourself each month". But at least I put it out there in the verbal stratosphere between Hubby and I.
I guess there is an element of truth in what he said though. Torture. What we mentally put ourselves through each month. It's not like a targeted torture, where we intend to hurt ourselves to the point of giving up information we want....or in the Journey for Bubba, forcing our bodies to give us the end result we want. But nevertheless there is an element of torture in what we try to push out of our consciousness, or try to ignore, or we literally focus all our attention on what we know we want but don't have.
I wonder how long the torture will continue for?
Hubby's other comment was, "You can't go on like this for the rest of your life"; but what if it never happens? What if Bubba never arrives... I will HAVE to "carry" this major failing of my body, for the rest of my life. And then, I guess, the torture takes on a different form? Doesn't it? As middle age gives way to old age, and dreams of motherhood die taking with them, dreams of grandmotherhood... then I will forever be tortured in the deepest solitude of my heart, perpetually reminded of what is missing.
No one ever told me about that when they (very rarely) told me about infertility.
Father God...You promised me a hope and a future. I can't see it right now. I can't see how it can happen if I never have Bubba. But I know You see the end and You know the plans you have for my life. When I feel afraid, when I feel tortured, please whisper to my heart how You see things, so even when I lose hope...I never lose faith. In Jesus name.