Walking Through The Grief

I'm supposed to be at Church, but I've come into hiding. I needed to take time out from crowds, from fixing the smile on my face and from trying to hold it all together. I needed to do as Jesus did and take off to be alone with the Father.

In doing so, I brought with me one of the 'infertility' books I have in the hope that somehow, I will understand what's happening in my head over the last few days. I turned to the first chapter on the healing section and this is within the first paragraph,

As our grief progresses, we are likely to experience damage to our significant relationships, our sense of self, our relationship with our heavenly Father, and even to our thought processes.

Well...that just about sums up the prayer I wrote in my journal before reading!! Sometimes, it's enough to know we're not alone in what we're going through, that someone, somewhere understands us and what we're experiencing. Because the worst ever feeling is thinking you're alone in this. And believe me, I have felt like that!

A few pages later, the authors say something which I'd never actually given myself the freedom to accept,
Expect a struggle within yourself.... Satan would love to see your struggle with infertility create a permanent separation between you and others. He is at war to accomplish that.

There are times when I have sensed the deep struggle within myself. The struggle between my desire to be Bubba's Mumma, and the reality of a life where this isn't yet the case. It is a war. I'm in a war, constantly, of being divided from God, Hubby, and others around me. Of being isolated, because in Ecclesiastes, the Bible speaks of there being safety and strength in numbers..."how can one..."

I remember preaching about how satan's plan is to divide and conquer the individual. Here I am, a year or so later, feeling the loneliness of fighting a battle in isolation... This is not God's will for any of us.

Don't let the enemy convince you that you're alone in your struggle...know that God is with you, and He will strengthen you each day. He knows your weaknesses and your failings, and He also has people He places around you to support and encourage you. Allow yourself the freedom to be open and vulnerable... You'll be allowing them to fulfill their God-given purpose in your life.

Oh how easy it is to write this, how much harder it is to allow ourselves to be weak with those who love us.

Father God, help me through the grief to find Your healing. Help me find You. In Jesus' name, remind me today how close You are in this walk through the pain and heartache, to me and to all those women who love You and need to know you're with them too.