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Hi. Welcome to my "taboo" blog. My name is Steph, and when I first started this, I was still in my thirties. In 2017, I switch decades! I am a Christian, so underlying everything I do and say is the Word of God, and the foundational truths I have learnt over the years. This doesn't mean I'm perfect - I am human. It just means I recognise I need God's help to live this life and try to live out His way, as best I can. So that's me in a nutshell. Thanks for taking the time to read through my blog, I hope you draw strength, hope or encouragement from what you read.

Monday, March 2, 2015

It's Not Faith I Lack...

I posted the picture below on one of my social media pages which had been shared through infertility online, a page which had been set up to encourage women like me who are struggling with the battle for a baby. I removed the link to the name of the support group, because so many of the people I have links with have no idea of the battle I am in. Which is probably the same for many of us. There are only a select few friends who truly know what I and Hubby are dealing with.

It really hit home to me the fact that in life, some dreams will never come true. My dream of becoming a forensic psychologist as a young teenager amounted to nothing because I changed my mind as to what I wanted to be; and my dream to lead worship at Spring Harvest didn't happen when I moved churches, so stopped leading worship in my dad's Church.

But neither of these really cost anywhere near as much as the dream of motherhood. And the brokenness I feel at this particular heart desire which has not (yet??) been fulfilled. The idea of daring to dream a new dream seems as impossible to believe as my longing to be momma to my own bubba, maybe you can identify with this? And the closer I creep to 40 (the countdown to 2017 has started!) the further away my dream seems floats from me. 

So when I posted the image, a couple of friends who have no idea what I am going through, posted "encouraging" comments. Which I appreciate. I really do. 

But I had absolutely no idea how to respond when one of them posed the following question:
"...but don't you find the reward from God your father is much bigger n far better than you could of dreamt of?"

My immediate thought was, "No. Not always." But how can I put that without appearing to be lacking faith, or inviting lots of even more "encouraging" comments or Bible verses or whatever, which would be trying to combat my apparent lack of faith. Lack of faith is not what I suffer from. Grieving the dream of becoming a Mumma is what I suffer from. There is no simple, straightforward, catch-all verse or statement of faith and encouragement to help that because the pain of the emptiness and longing can't just be faithed away like that. 

So, I should just keep quiet, shouldn't I? Let others live peacefully in their "faith-bubble" where God seems to give better than they had originally dreamed, without my frustrations being allowed to waver their own hope and faith in God....Right???

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