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Hi. Welcome to my "taboo" blog. My name is Steph, and when I first started this, I was still in my thirties. In 2017, I switch decades! I am a Christian, so underlying everything I do and say is the Word of God, and the foundational truths I have learnt over the years. This doesn't mean I'm perfect - I am human. It just means I recognise I need God's help to live this life and try to live out His way, as best I can. So that's me in a nutshell. Thanks for taking the time to read through my blog, I hope you draw strength, hope or encouragement from what you read.

Friday, October 5, 2012

Oversensitivity to Insensitivity

So I had to go for my "Day 21" blood test a couple of days ago. The nurse who was taking it was running a bit late - I hate having a needle stabbed into my arm, so the longer I have to sit there and wait, the more tense I feel and the more sweaty my palms get! 1 minute became 2... 2 minutes became 5... 5 minutes became 10, till finally my name was called. I was glad Hubby had been next to me in the waiting room, as he is a calming influence - even if he doesn't understand my fear of having a blood test!

I went in and took my place in the big black chair with the extra "comfy" rest which the patient can lay her arm on when having blood extracted from their veins!! I handed her one of the thousands of forms and "blood test bags" I had received from the consultant who had ordered all these investigative procedures. It had on it the reason for the blood test "Day 21 - subfertility" scrawled across the notes section.

"Right then, do you want to roll your sleeve up for me?" the nurse asked.

Errrr... "No not really!" I replied, with a nervous chuckle!

"Have you had a blood tests before? You don't faint or anything do you?" she quizzed.

"No - I just don't like them" I said, laughing.

"No, not many people do" she smiled. "The other day, I had a baby come in here - you know when they have to have their jabs, it's hard to inject this tiny little foot with a great big needle. I always feel bad because they cry so much."

OK wow! Thanks for that nurse. No I "don't know" about bringing in a baby for their jabs - I don't have one which is why "sub-fertility" has been scribbled on that page I just handed to you. WOW! Talk about insensitive!

I then had a check in my spirit. She wasn't being insensitive - she was being chatty and may even have had a tough time with a baby that morning. When she was typing up my notes after taking the sample, she may have felt bad about what she had talked about with me when she read and copied into the computer what the test was for.

I felt the Lord was challenging me on the frustration I had initially felt at the nurse's conversation. Was I really annoyed??? Isn't it natural for a baby to be afraid of a needle while I - a grown woman in my thirties - should be able to handle the "sharp prick" in my arm. She was putting things into perspective - not trying to belittle my subfertility.

I can't assume people are being insensitive about the situation I am currently in. As there is no outlet to talk about it publicly most people won't have a clue what I am going through, and it is only natural for them to talk about babies and children and the like. Most of the time I am fine about it - but once a month, around the PMT time, my added fears about waiting for my monthly cycle can cause me to view things through somewhat negative glasses.

Waiting is always the hardest bit - no matter what we are waiting for, it is difficult to be patient during that waiting period. Maybe it's just me, but I find myself becoming a little more over-sensitive about my desire for a child than at any other time.  I find myself more easily upset at things people say, more likely to burst into tears, more likely to stare at pictures of babies on supermarket billboards or in magazines - wondering what my own would be like, more likely to reflect on what is missing in my life at the moment, whenever I see a baby in a TV programme / film I am watching.

Waiting for the onset (or hopefully not) of the period can be excruciating. This is one of those times when learning to "Set your mind on things above, not on the things of the earth" (Colossians 3:2) help me to focus not on what is not happening in my body, but on what I can achieve with the help of the Lord.

This may be a difficult aspect of my life, but in other areas - the Lord is blessing me mightily.