Urge to Hug

One of the terms used to describe the feelings which accompany the infertility struggle, relates to our empty arms. The desire to hold someone, to hug and protect and cherish our own, is sometimes so strong, it is a physical representation of the ache in our hearts as a result of our empty womb.

Recently, the desire to hold my own baby has been so overwhelmingly strong, it's hard to explain, and even harder to tell anyone as the desire builds within. The fear of being told, "How do you know what you're missing, you've never had a baby." Or being told I'm just being silly, I think has silenced me on these occasions. The struggle of infertility just seems to be unrelenting and it is such a private emotional journey, to have someone try to diminish my feelings as foolish or silly would add to my sense of isolation on this path.

It feels like a huge drop in the depths of my stomach, my inner man, when I realise this is not going to happen. That I have no child to hold. No comfort to give. No reassurance to offer in the warmth of my arms. It is that sense of dread about the unmet desire which literally falls from my heart and buries itself in the depth of my spirit. 

Especially with all the glowing Facebook posts from proud parents photographing their child's first day at school/ big school etc.

This is part of the journey. A journey which has no light at the end...in fact, there doesn't even seem to be an end to it. And so, it's a case of hiding myself in my Heavenly Father's arms. Resting in the warmth if His embrace and allow Him to wipe away my tears. 

This is, of course, spiritually speaking. How nice it would be to find that comfort in reality too.

Father God, I thank You because You never belittle or minimise our feelings, or the way we allow the journey of infertility to affect us, even after all these years. Father, I pray that when the desire for a baby threatens to overwhelm, that You would overwhelm that sense of dread and hopelessness with Your shalom. In Jesus name I pray.

Dedication Invitation

Most people who know me, know that I spend a fair amount of time in Starbucks coffee shop, using it as my writing base, and my "second office" for anyone who wants to meet me. So it would come as no surprise that I have befriended some of the staff who work there. I think they take pity on me because I can literally sit there for hours! 

Anyway, it came as a huge surprise when I received an invitation to the dedication of the baby of one of the women who worked there (before she left to have her baby, that is). The invitation started, "We would like to invite close friends and family to join us in celebrating our baby girl..." For about three weeks, I wrestled this and wasn't sure they didn't mean to invite a different "Steph". And I usually try to avoid baby related stuff, if I can, because it's just another reminder of what I am missing in my own life. 

The week before the dedication, I messaged my Starbucks friend, actually, I thought had the date wrong and believed it was the next day, but I was able to ask her, "Did you actually mean to invite me?" To which she replied, "Steph, your faith and your relationship with God is so evident and I really admire it. When I was thinking about who to invite, because I wanted my daughter to have a Christian dedication, it felt wrong to not invite you. I knew that I needed to have you with us." 

Wow! 
So from chatting to her when she worked in my second office, from which she added me as a friend on Facebook, God has been using me in ways I had absolutely no idea about, to inspire and encourage her. We will never know how God uses us in the lives of people around us! She continued the conversation by asking about the Church I attend and ended up saying she wanted to come along one day. I really pray she does. Especially as since the dedication things have ended with the baby's father. She is an incredibly strong woman, (she told me a bit of her story during the conversation) and I pray she will find strength in God, and I pray she will know Jesus is there with her, supporting her and befriending her. 

The dedication service was beautiful. Although I think only me and just other people knew the last song, "My Jesus My Saviour", which was funny, because everyone seemed to know, "Shine Jesus Shine"! I literally didn't know anyone else at the celebration, so my friend had arranged for her mum to look out for me. I ended up helping out in the kitchen and that was probably the safest option for me, that trying  to talk to people I don't know about why I don't have any children! 

I thank God that He is able to use me in this way, and to have been considered to be a necessary addition to the Baby Dedication celebration.


Father I pray that my Starbucks friend will find You for herself, and that she would find comfort and a hope in Your Son, Yeshua. I also pray that her baby daughter will also come to faith in You for herself, and that she will be a strong light for You in these dark days, may she inspire her two older brothers and may she draw many to You. In Jesus name. 

This Too Shall Pass

Sometimes it can feel like the current situation we face is all we will ever know, but God would say to you, 

"Look, I am doing a new thing. 
We are walking through a tunnel together, I am right by your side, and haven't just left you to find your own way. This tunnel is not your final destination, I AM taking you from where you were, to where I need you to be and this current situation is a necessary part of our journey. 

I AM taking you from one degree of glory to another. But know this: This is NOT ALL I HAVE FOR YOU. THIS IS NOT YOUR FINAL DESTINATION. 

You might not understand where we are right now, you might not even be able to see the light at the other end we are heading towards, but turn your eyes to look at me, I AM your light and I will shine directly on where I want you to place your feet. 

Don't be afraid, child. I AM with you. Don't be afraid of the strength of darkness, for I have made you stronger. And when you step out into the new thing I have for you, you will know that it has all been for a purpose. 

Trust Me. Hold on to Me. As a car doesn't just stop in a tunnel, DON'T STOP. DON'T GIVE UP. Keep walking beside Me and I promise....this too shall pass."

1 Peter 1:6 "You rejoice in this greatly, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials.”

God Does Care....

There comes a point in every Christian woman's life when you realise you've being doing it alone for so long, you've actually been doing it alone.

Without God, I mean.

When circumstances: choices you made, choices made by other people, even the stuff we believe "God controls" which are beyond our comprehension, weighs heavily on our hearts, our minds, our basic understanding of life, I am convinced this can create a new kind of burn-out.

I have literally just finished watching a really cheesy 80's chick flick about Romy and Michelle's high school reunion. These two twenty-something women were so desperate for the old school "AGroup" to like them, they were prepared to hide who they really are, just to fit their perception of what the cool girls would see as "successful".

And yet, here I am, with my own idea of "success" so heavily damaged and on the precipice of never happening, that I have been trying to hide it from myself, and others, for so long, I have recently experienced emotional "crash and burn". Not because I was desperate for others to like me or anything.... But because the whole journey of infertility is not one I should be constantly "banging on about", I should just "deal with it" and carry on with whatever life God has set out for me. Oh this is the bit no one wants to talk about when we discuss the failure of the dream for children, for a family. The constantness of it. The fact that it never goes away. The fact that there are times it can still be so incredibly overwhelming, even after all this time. 

A couple of weekends ago it was the annual conference for work. On the last day, two women who are old enough to know better, made parting remarks to me like, "Hope it all goes well!" While smiling encouragingly, hand on their own bellies while looking across at mine. The curse of having problems like endometriosis and gluten intolerance creating a beautiful little balloon bump at the most inopportune moments, which falsifies the look you actually want and gives a very wrong impression!

That week, was the beginning of the crash. Not because of the things they said. No.... In a sad way within Church, this becomes the norm and one of the first things you learn to deal with. No, it was a culmination of the OTHER problems which rarely get discussed, including the toll infertility takes on your relationships. With yourself. With Hubby. With God.

And so now, two weeks later, while listening to Christy Nockles, I realise that I have been forced into carrying myself through this as a result of Hubby's withdrawal, and my subsequent withdrawal from God. By carrying myself, I actually mean dragging myself along the floor! 

Not only can infertility kill your dreams, it kills your sense of identity, your hope, your trust and faith in a God who genuinely cares, hears and has a future lined-up for you; and the relationship with a Hubby who has a son, and so can't relate to the pain of having no child of your own. And so the cycle spins round and round, loneliness, emptiness, broken dreams, broken promises, wondering what will be, wandering further away. 

And all this in secret!

No one must know! 

No one must see beyond the mask and appearance that we are doing ok, that we are trusting God, that our marriages are intact and our future is secure. 

The secret life we live in our heart and mind to which we stop inviting God to sit in with us, at least, we thought we had. There's only so much we can hide from God. There's only so much weight we can bear. There's only so much of a load we can carry in our own strength, until we break.

And then in His gentleness and mercy, He bends down His face to ours, wetting His cheek with our tears, scoops us up in His arms, and pours out His healing balm into the depths of our wounds, pouring His shalom into our anxious, troubled hearts, and lifts us out of the pit of despair, raising us up to stand once again in His strength, rather than our own, reminding us that we are not alone, He has never left us, and the battle is not ours to fight by ourselves. Even though it feels like it at times. Keep your eyes on Jesus.... He turns His face to yours, gazing into your pain and emptiness and will remain there with you for as long as it will take. He cares. He knows. He loves you. He is with you.

Swap Mornings

The other night, I was texting a friend of mine about a convenient time for us to call and speak to each other the next day about a project we are both involved in. When I say friend, he's not someone I know locally or meet up regularly, more as a result of Church projects we have both been involved in over the years; but he did buy a box of Krispy Kreme donuts and so was the start of our new beautiful friendship! 

So, the conversation went a bit like this:
Him: "You could call around 8:45am."
Me: "Hahahahaha!!! Seriously? No later slot??? #OffWork"
Him: "lightweight! I have 3 kids.... That's not early! 😅😅"
Me: " I don't have any excuses for losing out on a late start!!! Hahaha!!!"
Him: "So jealous!! ☺️"

I know he wouldn't change his situation just for the sake of a lie-in, he absolutely adores his kids, and even when he's doing stuff on stage, he will show off pictures and tell stories about them within his presentation. 

I, on the other-hand, would give up all the lie-ins for the joy of having a family....and I am, genuinely, "so jealous!!"

When Infertilty Gets Included!

I started reading a book by Carrie Lloyd who I could really identify with when she spoke recently at a youth workers conference I attended. I mean... This woman rocks! Anyone who wears heels to do her talk when everyone else is in trainers and flip flops is my kind of gal!

Her book, "The Virgin Monologues" is for women! Unashamedly so! And where most authors writing about the issues many women deal with can forget about those of us who can't have children, Carrie address it squarely among the rest of the "stuff" women deal with which can be thrown in our direction...allegedly to make us stronger!

Anyway, I want to share what she says with anyone and everyone!

"To the women who can't have children; to the women who've not yet met their Adam; to the women who 'had it all' and 'lost it all' too: please take your place in the world because we need you. There is something in you that no one else can do and you will be attacked by lies of inadequacy, lies of worthlessness to unremittingly ensure you don't go out and fight the good fight. Build up a fortress of love around yourself and towards others, stabbing the spirit of comparison as you walk upright.

Don't begrudge mothers of motherhood; and mothers, don't begrudge some who are destined for a purpose outside of children."

Carrie Lloyd, The Virgin Monologues; page 30-31

Encouragement In Random Places

A couple of months ago, I was invited to be interviewed for the Salvation Army's War Cry about my journey with infertility. I met with the girl conducting the interview and we had a good old chat.... I even somehow managed to not cry, although I think this is more to do the fact that I'd brought a packet of tissues with me. If I hadn't, guaranteed I would have burst into waterfalls while telling the story of my struggle.

Needless to say that once the article had been printed and sent to me, I completely forgot about it, kinda assuming that only Salvationists would read it... And I didn't think I knew any.

But then!
In my paid job, one of the roles I have is to organise the annual international conference. This year's event just finished on Sunday. So I was completely taken aback when a couple stopped me in my tracks, enroute to sorting out some minor crises, and told me that they had accidentally bought a copy of that ONE issue of War Cry which contained my interview....and they knew me because they happened to support and pray for the organisation I work with.

Wow!
Small world!

They were really encouraging actually. She had married him late in life, after his first wife had died (they were in their 70s) and so she had never had children of her own. She could relate to an extent with what I had shared, and thought it was a brave thing to have done, but so necessary as there are too many people who are going through the stuff of infertility but it NEVER gets spoken about.

They left me with the assurance that they would be praying for me, and had been since reading the interview.

So yeah, you never know how God is going to use the most random of situations to impact, enourage or inspire any of us! :-)


Father God, I thank You and praise You because although I may never know how the interview was received, I know from the one conversations have had about it, that people who have read it are being challenged, encouraged and may gain some insight into the life of a friend or loved one who is struggling to conceive. Father, I pray that if it is Your will for me to speak out about this more, I would never shy away from the vulnerability of being so open, so You can comfort and help someone else. In Jesus name.