What if I have a horrible pregnancy experience?? What if I don't enjoy being pregnant?? What if the idea of another being growing inside me is too alien for me?? What if I don't like my baby?? What if we don't bond?? What if I have a boy and I want a girl?? What if I have a girl and want a boy?? What if the baby doesn't like me?? What if I don't like my baby???????
All of this stemmed from an article I had read in one of the daily papers, about the number of women who find it difficult to bond with their babies. Apparently, Gwyneth Paltrow was one of these women who found it hard to bond with her second child, as a off-shoot of the postnatal depression she suffered. If someone who is an established mother like that can struggle, what hope for me?
Not only with the whole being pregnant thing, or the newborn thing, or the terrible-two's thing... just with the WHOLE thing! Suddenly Hubby and I become responsible for a whole nother person. How our child turns out in teenhood and adulthood is directly linked to how well or how badly we do with raising Bubba!! There is no second chance - what we do wrong will have an affect on Bubba, and what we do right - hopefully more often than the getting it wrong thing - can help Bubba to be a healthy, responsible adult.
Having an argument in front of our Bubba, for example, may be something which freaks them out and damages their memory of childhood, or teaches them a positive experience of communication. I'm sorry to say that on occasions Hubby and I have got it wrong - especially in front of my Stepson. Our fighting in front of him negatively affects his time with us and affects him as much as it does us. But we only have him once a fortnight. When Bubba arrives, we will be with our child 24/7, and so the arguing will be less controlled than it can be now.
The decisions Hubby and I take on a daily basis don't directly or indirectly affect my Stepson, but they do over the weekend he is with us. When Bubba arrives, daily decisions will need to encompass Bubba too.
Having a child is not a right of ours, just coz we love each other and are in a relationship or married. Having a child is a huge responsibility. It is a huge blessing, but it comes at a price... sacrifice on so many levels. And the responsibility of training a child up in the way he or she should go can be quite daunting - especially on this side of the future event.
At the time, I believe the Lord will lead, direct and guide us. This means Hubby and I need to be totally tuned into His voice. When we're not, we are in danger of messing up Bubba's life. In the meantime, my prayer is that when the time comes for Bubba to be conceived, He would bless me with a great pregnancy experience. One which I can treasure and enjoy, and even share with Hubby... Maybe one day with Bubba too.
In the meantime, I pray the fears which disturbed my sleep the other night will be handed over to Him, so I can rest in perfect peace.
